The Witch Within

by Iva Kenaz

  Not only those who are, but those who were.

  If they can’t find the heavenly portal, open it for them.

  Follow your mission and shine a light into the darkness

  And draw the secret alphabet on their foreheads.”

  The giant female faces fall quiet and the atmosphere grows tense. We are all waiting for something, something that I don't understand. The woman who looks like me approaches me and says:

  “I am you and you are me.

  Can you see?

  Can you finally see me?”

  I get afraid and push her away with my hand so that she can’t come any closer, and then I awake. The skies have cleared up and I see the full moon in all its glory. I enthuse over the unique moment in time. It feels as though I was meant to come here at this time of the year, when the moon meets the shape of the entrance and shines down on me, through me, within me. I tilt my head up, yearning to understand the symbols. My eyes linger on the largest symbol painted in the middle of the ceiling.

  And it dawns on me then – this is the key to all the other letters in the secret alphabet! And as I come to that realisation, I recall precisely what the female faces in the skies were whispering:

  “Menaz

  The free will of choices, choices in our own hands.

  The free will of man equals the power of man.

  Uruz

  The healer of the dead and the living

  Heals one’s way of feeling and thinking.

  Fehu

  The guardian of wealth, harvest and property

  The one that you need to thrive properly.

  Ansuz

  The gifts of Mother Nature, the soil, the ground.

  The gifts that we need to comprehend within our hearts.

  Gebo

  Stand with your feet on the ground, hands to the skies.

  Let the powers of earth and heavens merge at last.

  Wend

  The inner joy, the child within your heart.

  The endlessly curious one, the true seeker of light.

  Isa

  I am you and you are me.

  The endless circle of I’s in the cycle of life.

  I'm on your side when you're on mine.

  Perthro

  Be strong in your life and in the changes it shows

  For they might be necessary for your own growth

  Remember the perpetual chain of our hands

  For we can pull you up if you pull us up as well.

  Hagalaz

  Dance in the wheel of life, you have nothing to fear

  Because all ill passes in the rhythm of the spin.

  Sowilo

  Sun, our father and mother, the guard and the guide

  Without them we would not know how to shine.

  Tyr

  Behold the warrior within.

  And know that if you're in need

  We will help you find the key.

  Here we come, can you hear?

  Hear us marching through the fields.

  You have the power and so do we

  But sometimes it is hard to see

  When we are blinded by fear.

  Raidho

  There are various roads, but only a few are worth the fight.

  Focus on the right ones and you will find truth in your heart.

  May it lead you astray, hold your ground

  And then eventually you will be found.

  Kenaz

  Embrace the power that shines so bright

  The princess within you and her fellow knight.

  We may all shine through the dark night.

  Torches we are and for torches we fight.

  Jera

  Creative powers that twist and turn in the motion of ceaseless wheels.

  Create and be created, be created to create, for creation equals true peace.

  Eihwaz

  Thunder that awakes you even from the deepest sleep.

  Awake and behold that we are still here!

  Naudhiz

  Balance your life, balance yourself,

  There are two sides of oneness in men.

  Honour your wife and honour your man.

  Become one with one another and with yourselves.

  For to marry each other means to marry yourself.

  Thurisaz

  Listen child, listen very carefully.

  See within, hear within and think within.

  Break all curses with Thurisaz inscribed within.

  Othala

  Ease the shackles, for they are just in your mind.

  Unfetter yourself, experience the eternity of time.

  Dagaz

  A new sun rises after each night.

  Peer outside of your inner cave

  Look into the bright new day.

  The more stones you pile up, the less sun comes your way.

  Dream your dreams, but also remember how to wake.

  Ingwaz

  Please wake up, dear sister, wake up to see

  That we are all mirrors of each other’s dreams.

  Behold the truth when you tend to hate or judge.

  Do not fear darkness, for even there you may find light.

  We were all born to be the mirrors of the stars, the moons and the suns.

  Children of the heavens and the earth, the sacred day and the sacred night.

  ALGÍZ

  Embrace Algíz within to reunite our lost souls

  Make them open that hole in their ceilings

  For all that they think they know is deceiving

  There is no going down without going up

  And even at the lowest bottom of your soul

  You may eventually find a rope.

  *

  I stayed in the higher level of the cave for a few days, but as soon as the wolf got better and walked away, I climbed back down. I was glad that he survived, what scared me though was the possibility that he might be back, perhaps even with the whole pack. And so I decided to take some food supplies and other necessities and move to the safe temple above.

  I can’t tell how long I have been hiding up here. It feels like time has ceased to exist. I fall into strange deliriums from time to time and have had so many realistic dreams. Sometimes I can’t tell whether I'm sleeping or daydreaming. I live completely within myself, within my mind. If I died, I would probably not even notice, for it often feels as if the real me already hovers above the ground, while my body rests below.

  I've dreamed of the ancient Germanic tribes who approached these lands, deciding on places that they shall call home. They settled by the river streams, lakes and ponds. Water was probably an important element to them, because I've seen them praying to it. But they also prayed to various gods and goddesses whose names were strangely familiar to me.

  These human-like divinities often manifest in my dreams or visions that feel so real. They possess such wisdom and kindness. Sometimes I feel as though they are my parents, spiritual parents who would never let me down, never banish me or renounce their love. The goddesses have variously shaped moons imprinted on their foreheads and the gods have suns. They move in the motion of colourful lights that never disclose their true features. But each time these gods and goddesses leave, the mysterious, and most probably never to be answered question sneaks back to me:

  “But where is THE God?”

  The other dream I had featured a group of women in this cave. They were all dressed in long capes, their shoes, hair and wrists were decorated with almost transparent shiny strings, adorned with colourful bead-like stones. It resembled spider webs with trapped flies on top. Painted symbols, mainly the moon, the sun and the stars, decorated their foreheads and arms. They prayed together, holding hands, and then they danced around the well. For a while it felt like I was dancing with them. We were chanting the sacred syllables again and again, absorbing the light of the moon that fed us, comforted us
, and most probably also enlightened us, for I have never felt such pure joy in my life.

  We also danced in the daylight, absorbing the warmth and comfort of the sun that shone onto and into us, soothing our bones, our blood, our spirits and souls. In the cheery motions I then recognised the woman from the first dream I dreamt here, the one who looks like me, but has sparkling green eyes and raven black hair. Her beauty dazzled me but scared me at the same time. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to move closer to her, although she was reaching out her hand to me.

  “Don’t be afraid. I’m back. Receive yourself. Let us not part again.”

  I refused her hand and so she dropped it down eventually. Then I heard her say:

  “Don’t let the sleeping minds fool your senses.

  For they will keep standing in the way

  Not perceiving that the sky is just a veil.

  Sunshine reflects in the Moon

  Just like the divine light reflects inside of you.

  We all have the power to shine and spark through the dark.

  Remember it; store these words in your body, soul and heart,

  Because just like the moon; we are the reflection of the sun.”

  Her words were confusing to me. I have always thought the moon has a light of its own and honestly, I don't understand how the sun could reflect off it. Perhaps it’s similar to the question of God. It simply can’t be understood, although in some way the answer has already reached my mind. The last vision that the sacred temple granted me was a sad one.

  I saw brave ancient warriors in battle on the grounds that later became the marshes by the forest I have been hiding in.

  Their enemies descended from the Cursed Mount and on top of the menacing peak I detected a figure in a long black gown, gazing down at the scene. Then a shrill voice spread over the horrid scene:

  “Damn you, damn all of you, men!

  You cause nothing but hell!

  May you dwell here even after you die!

  May you abandon your wives!

  May you be my slaves again!

  When our kin rises from the grave!”

  The battle continued nevertheless, but then the raven-haired woman emerged from the forest. She pointed her palms towards the figure on the formidable Cursed Mount, as if she was trying to stop her somehow. But soon after she was crushed to the ground by the impact of an invisible force and remained still, with no more power to fight. The dream made me cry, it seemed to have reached the bottom of my heart and it made me think that, in fact, I was travelling in the ceaseless web of time.

  Chapter 7 – Invitation

  I have slowly been recovering from the long deep winter sleep and feel the need to get back on my feet and walk the earth again. The snow has melted and washed away the blood of the young wolf. I don’t think he will be back any time soon. I know the pack dwells in the mountains during the springs and summers and he must have joined them, unless he has become an outcast, like me. As I squat by the stream to finally enjoy a sip of fresh water, instead of melted ice and snow, I see a thick cloud of smoke coming from the Cursed Mount. Whoever lives up there must have moved in quite recently, or I simply failed to notice that I have company. Who could seek a home on top of that God forsaken mount? I'm not eager to find out. Although I have found shelter in these so-called Cursed Lands, I have always feared that peak.

  I let the water flow into my wrought iron bowl and observe how the sun’s rays dance over the surface. They seem to make the incised symbols move. I take a generous gulp and indulge in the freshness. The water tastes almost sweet, as if it already contained the scent of the upcoming spring. Then I behold the raven-haired woman, whom I have started to call Algíz, beside me. She’s not a phantom to me anymore, she actually seems strangely real. I’ve gotten used to her presence, because since my inner mind aligned with my cautious one, she comes to me from time to time. However, I tend to dislike her company, for she usually just stares at me. I can’t comprehend why she manifests when the rest of my ancestors, including my grandmother, have been covered up by a cloud of mystery since the time of dreams and visions ended for me. I’ve decided not to question my sanity. I don’t mind whether I'm going mad from the loneliness or not. I think I agree with what Algíz said - that I have just woken up from a very long sleep and I might finally start to see, properly.

  I drink some more stream water and Algíz meanwhile points at the two birches opposite us. I notice that they are intertwined into one of the symbolic shapes, or rather, one of the secret alphabet letters.

  Ingwaz.

  It makes me think of a void and I feel the thrill of fear when I contemplate it. What if I'm about to face a void, or have I already passed through it?

  When I take a closer look at the tree, I detect that there are many letters of the secret alphabet already inherent in the bark and in the branches. It's truly amazing how nature repeats the same patterns over and over again. Circles and crosses, crosses and circles, and the perpetual variety of this utmost simplicity. I lie on the grass, although it’s soaking wet, as I simply crave a connection to the ground these days. I let the sun fill me with light and comfort, and the thought of God again takes a hold of my mind.

  I turn to Algíz, who is still by my side, and hope that perhaps she has something to say at last, but she just moves her finger to her lips and I notice how the two shapes merge into one - a cross. Then she blinks at me and disappears.

  I turn back to the sun and close my eyes, wondering if I will see something through the veil of my eyelids. Nothing but the single point of light, the centre that expands and withdraws as though it is breathing. Slightly disappointed, I turn to face the forest, when an idea crosses my mind. Perhaps the sun resembles God. One can never look directly into the glory for too long, and he might blind himself if he tried. Maybe one can only see God with an inner sight, or maybe it's all right if I don’t know who or what God is. After all, there are so many wonders to explore.

  *

  I went mushroom picking today and found a generous amount of bolets and shaggy parasols. Then, as I idly wondered about, I sensed Daniel’s presence again. His sneaky steps approached from behind, I turned and saw him standing there, his hungry eyes popping out of his invisible greyish face. He looked like a spider lurking in the dark, but I resisted becoming a fly trapped in his slimy poison. And so I snarled at him:

  “Go! Get the hell out of here! This is my home, you hear?”

  I have learned that such a persistent anger aimed towards him is the only thing that keeps him away, because he seems to be attracted to my fear. This time he turned to me before vanishing, as if he was saying goodbye. I got the feeling he wouldn’t come back, at least not for a while. I think I stopped feeding my hate and I might have even forgiven him in some way. Now, as I have made a fire and am about to pierce the first shaggy parasol with a branch, a small ball of light pops out, as if escaping the stinging impact. I try to focus on the odd vision more precisely and notice that it actually resembles a small creature, a fragile one with a hat similar to the top of the mushroom. Soon I behold there are more of them around and they assemble by the blackberry bushes. Could it be that they are mushroom gnomes? Before the thought leaves my mind, one of them looks at me, as if he has read my mind. His face is wrinkly and cute, but he says nothing and then follows the group that has disappeared into the bushes. How strange, I would never have thought that such beings could exist beyond the fairy tale realms. I suppose that more surprises like these are awaiting me.

  I start to roast the mushrooms and keep my mind open to their possible presages. After all, they were quite precise last time. Each bite is precious to me and as I'm chewing, I become aware of how much power I'm receiving. And then I hear them speak:

  “We live in the mushrooms, we live in the trees

  We live in the moss and beneath the seas.

  You're welcome to see us for we may be of use

  When the horse
s gallop and send warning to the roots

  And the unliving/undead warriors march to the woods.

  Be aware for she is near

  And plays with the power we all fear.”

  “Who is?!”

  They say nothing more. I wonder who they mean. Instinctively, I peer toward the Cursed Mount and see a minuscule figure standing at its peak.

  *

  I'm resting on the stone bed underneath two woollen blankets, yet my teeth are chattering. The nights are still chilly, although the days already resemble the new birth of life. I think tomorrow I will be ready to take a longer walk and explore the more remote areas of this forest. I have been hiding here behind the wall of blackberries all winter long, it has been far too long. With the thought of tomorrow’s journey, I doze off...

  This time I'm aware that I'm dreaming, even though the dream seems terribly real. I'm tied to a tree, like I used to be when my captors needed to get rid of me. I can feel Daniel’s hands all over my body, although he is not there. I fight the invisible power in despair, trying to chase away those freezing cold hands. I feel sick to my stomach as he reaches my thigh and then; Nathaniel manifests in front of me and it is him now touching me. His hand is warm and I feel no shame or repulsion, I yearn for him as he does for me. He leans closer and presses his lips on mine, while his hand starts moving higher and higher up my thigh until I…

  Awake, enthused by the sudden thrill. It takes me some time to digest the strange dream. Never in my life have I experienced such excitement, particularly in my lower belly. It still tickles with the explosion of warmth. I touch it and feel the elevating yet unpleasant pressure, as though something is being repressed in there, but I don’t know what it is or how to free it.

  But one thing I know for sure. If Nathaniel came through that entrance hole right now, I would yield, completely.

  *

  Walking through the forest, I admire the chirpy bird songs that fill the air, and inhale the fresh sweetness that evaporates from the fertile grounds. As I silently admire the beauty of creation coming back to life, I get the feeling that I'm not alone. It's not an animal presence I sense, it’s human. During the few months of solitude my mind has become clearer and my senses have intensified. I also catch the scent of fire and follow it. Soon, I spot a small clearing ahead of me and a well-established fire pit. Nathaniel?!