The Witch Within

by Iva Kenaz

  I'm surprised how thrilled I get when the vision comes to me. I approach the fire, and to my disappointment, I spot a female figure. I only see her back, since she is covered in a dark cape. She warms her hands over the flames and then freezes. She has sensed my presence too, I can tell.

  I hide behind one of the thick ash trees and watch her. She looks my way and her lips curl into a faint smile. It seems as though she silently summons me to accompany her. I discard my doubts and pass the trees.

  “Hello stranger.”

  She greets me, not at all surprised. As I approach, I observe that her eyes are coal black, her hair rather short and greyish blond. She has sharp features and I’m guessing she could be around forty years old. Her clothes are shabby and have ostensibly been altered too many times. She’s also wearing a belt with three daggers hanging from it. That makes me suspicious.

  “Who are you?” I ask her, not trying to cover up my distrust.

  “Someone like you, I suppose.”

  She squats and clears the nearest vicinity for me so that I can join her.

  “Have a seat if you like.”

  I do move closer, but retain the already established distance between us.

  “I know how you feel. I used to be as distrustful. But then I met more women like myself and realised that we, the outcasts, the so-called witches or the devil brides, are like sisters joined in the same common misapprehension. That is why we should stick together.”

  She locks her blazing eyes with mine and I notice how intense they are, almost mad. My first impression of this woman is not very good. I remain alert; however, I also let her say what she must.

  “There are twelve of us. The youngest one has just turned fifteen and the oldest has reached eighty five. We live up there on the Cursed Mount. It’s getting better, we have gotten used to the solitude. Each of us had something to contribute, so we’ve managed to gather up lots of goods and food. We have made the cave up there liveable.

  We have all suffered, but decided to forget and start a new life. Life, where we are our own masters and where men can’t hold us down, tame us to be their slaves. Some of us know how to fight, some know how to heal and others are good at survival techniques. We all contribute to our society somehow and so far have managed to establish a peaceful settlement.

  We have also been trying to heal our hearts from the grief and strife that we have experienced. We have simply learned to survive with what nature grants us, but most importantly, we have learned to be ourselves on that mount.”

  Their way of living soothes my torn soul. She has proven to me that things can improve if one tries. Perhaps these women are to be trusted; after all, their destiny is similar to mine.

  “Aren’t you afraid of what the legends say though?”

  “What do they say?”

  “That nobody could ever really live up there, that it’s inhospitable.”

  “Oh. Well, it is hospitable. I can tell you that there is nothing frightening about that place either. Not even wolves seek shelter up there, they dwell in the more remote, higher peaks.”

  She pauses for a while and peers at me.

  “You can come for a visit if you like?”

  Although I'm tempted, my distrust perseveres. Something tells me that it would not be wise to join them. I spot her smiling again.

  “I’m Edana. What’s your name?”

  I decide not to answer and to remain dubious.

  “You must have spent many days alone out here... it must be hard for you, never talking to anyone? But I believe you will warm up eventually. We are all very keen to get to know you. If you decide to visit us, you will receive a truly warm welcome.”

  That makes me alert.

  “You all? But how would the others know that I live here? I haven’t stumbled upon any of you before.”

  She answers with another inquisitive question.

  “Where do you live?”

  I can’t bring myself to tell her and so I use her technique instead.

  “Why do you care?”

  She smiles again.

  “I know, we hardly know each other, but still, I hope that we will be friends. We have managed in our group of twelve, but we could use a thirteenth companion.”

  “Thank you, but I prefer solitude.”

  I can tell that she is not very pleased with my reaction.

  “If you ever feel like you could use some company, you're very welcome to visit our camp.”

  “Why do you trust me? You don’t know me.”

  She is obviously amused by my reaction, for she lets out a hoarse laugh.

  “Oh Talitha, I know more about you than you think!”

  Then I spot the big mole on her neck.

  *

  Since meeting Edana, I have been curious about the Cursed Mount. From the second level of my cave I have a better view of the peak and often catch myself trying to find the best way to get up there. But whenever I think of actually going, I postpone it and so I wait, and wait, in my solitude, occasionally visited by Algíz, who tends to join me when I watch the starry sky, the patterns and symbols under the secret disguise. She usually keeps quiet and speaks only when necessary and only when asked. I have also decided to repaint the symbols in the cave. Algíz advised me to use a mixture of my menstrual blood and water, and led my hand while chanting the names of each shape. She told me that when the time comes and I finally accept her, I will know all of the chants by heart.

  Chapter 8 – Cursed Mount

  The sun has veiled the forest in a blissful heat wave. Each day something new is being born, revealing its greatest potential. I marvel over the beauty as I amble through the forest. Eventually, I take my worn-out shoes off and walk barefoot over the lush green moss and enjoy the grandeur of the blooming trees. The bumblebees’ buzz has interrupted the singing of the birds, and I behold the spring flowers, white and blue. They cling to one another, leading their quiet dialogues as they rise to bathe in the sun rays.

  I pass my favourite ash tree grove and feel the immense thrill of the magnificent old beings. When I listen cautiously, it sounds like they are sighing in the sweet rapture of delight. I lay myself over their massive roots and inhale the elevating smell of the white florets. Even when I close my eyes, I see the intense green they radiate. I acquire more and more knowledge from these lands. They make me comprehend that everything, everything around me, is alive and spirited. There are so many intricate worlds and these latent realms become more apparent during this time of the year. I desire to find the connection to these lands, to truly become one with this splendid web of life.

  I walk all the way to the river which separates this side of the forest from the one further on the east. Although the water is still quite cool, I decide to take a swim. My body needs to cleanse off all the piled up dirt and sweat. I let go of all my clothes and jump into the cold water. I move swiftly to warm up and remember to breathe properly so that I don’t get caught up in the shock of the chill. After a moment of peaceful swimming, the previously calm stream starts flowing more rapidly. I panic when I realise that my cave is south and the stream moves me toward the north and so I frantically crash through the waves and reach the shore.

  At that moment I behold Algíz floating above the river, laughing at me. I read her mind and understand what she implies. I dive into the water again and let the stream take me. Eventually I calm down and swim along with it. Soon, I detect that I can reach the bottom with my feet and so I stand and let the waves crash into me as they unmercifully struggle forward. I watch the sun with my eyes closed and absorb its heat. I can hear the river singing. It sings in its own language, incomprehensible and distant to my ears, yet the core of the melody seems somehow familiar.

  When I open my eyes, I notice the sparks of light on the water surface, the endless variety of little stars. They remain on the spot despite the stream that tries to carry them onward.

  Then, to my surprise, v
arious faces emerge from the depths of the water. It reminds me of the faces in the clouds that I have seen in my dream, when I was introduced to Algíz for the first time. I ask the faces, in my mind; why are they are here and who they are.

  “If one loves a place so much and wishes to stay behind

  He might decide to protect it, even in the afterlife.

  But the faces from your dream?

  Soon you will see.”

  When I reach the shore, a trodden steep path comes into the view. I look at the daunting mount above me and realise that I'm right below the Cursed Mount. Its presence is magnetic. The forested labyrinth woos me into its untamed kingdom and my head spins when I try to focus on the top. I become aware that the Mount has its own strong persona and the ancient spirit that possesses it, whispers to me in a deep mysterious tone:

  “Talitha....Talitha...

  Do not be afraid

  I’m showing you the way

  Do not hesitate

  Your life will never be the same again.”

  I'm pulled in, but my fear keeps my feet stuck to the ground.

  “Talitha....Talitha....

  I have been waiting for you...”

  I shake off the overpowering voice in my head and run off to the place where I left my clothes. I don't dare to look back at that God-forsaken mount, I decide that I shall keep my distance and never let it tempt me again. My pace slows as I struggle to make my way back home. Life and all its magnificence does not tend to amaze me now. The child-like excitement seems to have vanished with the bleak mood that has taken over me since I stumbled upon the path to the Cursed Mount.

  I linger before I enter my haven, the familiar surroundings of the cave. I know that it is safe there, but I also wish I could explore the enigma of these lands some more. I catch myself wishing that I could undergo a real adventure. The vital power of new beginnings that has begun with the first scent of spring now awakes in me as well. Perhaps it's time to let go of the fear which imprisons me in my temple of solitude. The women up there can’t be dangerous. They must be nice if they have managed to establish such a harmonic unity. I pull myself together and decide to go to the mount.

  *

  The way to the top is rocky and the forest here is dim and quiet. The melodies of life’s diversity vanished as soon as I passed the old ruins, which most probably used to be part of the ancient village. Algíz is not by my side and neither is the voice of this mount that lured me to come here. Maybe I shouldn’t have decided on this, God knows what awaits me on the peak. I keep my pace slow, dubious, and confused by my scattered mind, when the sound of fast running shatters the tense quiet. I can’t tell whether it was an animal or a person. I linger before I set off again. Then, in a dazing hurry, someone dashes out of the bushes next to me and falls to the ground. A young girl. She could be fourteen or fifteen years-old, slender, tall, dark haired. She gets up instantly and sets off without noticing me. I remain standing on the spot, still in shock, when another woman darts out and crashes into me. I stagger and finally fall. She looks worried and as soon as she catches her breath, she says:

  “I’m sorry.”

  The young girl starts giggling. They seem to have been just playing, chasing each other I suppose. The woman next to me could be around thirty years old, much thinner than the girl, almost too thin I think. She has a small pointed nose, her eyes are grey and her reddish hair tied up in a roguish knot. Her head bends towards me on her emaciated neck as she helps me stand up.

  “Talitha?”

  I’m even more baffled.

  “Yes? Hello.”

  All of a sudden she hugs me, as though we were old friends. I freeze, still as a rock, taken aback by her warm-heartedness.

  “We were hoping you’d come! My name is Otama and this is Rita.”

  The young girl catches up with us.

  “Is this the sorceress?”

  Even more bemused now, I turn to the older woman with an unspoken question in my eyes. She puts up an affable smile.

  “Let’s take Talitha to our camp, Rita.”

  Rita grabs my hand and starts pulling me forward. I finally recover a bit and manage to shake off the awkward bashfulness. It's easy to get used to the two, for their company is naturally friendly. I come to the conclusion that these women are not to be feared and allow myself to speak.

  “What were you doing before?”

  “Just fooling around, Rita tends to provoke me a lot these days.”

  Rita pokes me in a friendly way.

  “You came at the right time, Talitha. Edana has finally found the magical mushrooms that I long to try since I have learned about their miraculous power. We have prepared a feast for tonight!”

  I like that they are also interested in mushrooms. These women and I have more in common than I thought.

  After a long difficult hike we finally reach the small camp that the twelve women built by the ancient cave. The dominant fire ring is surrounded by four tall pillars made of tree trunks that have been inscribed with symbols, similar to those in my cave, only the ones that are supposed to be facing up are facing down. There are many carved wood blocks as well, and other wood and rock-like seats around the fire, and variously sized wrought iron pots, bowls and spoons, and piles of branches and bark. The cave is different to mine, the stone is darker and the entrance stretches up, pointing sharply to the symbol carved above. The shape is authentic to the one above my cave, but it's facing down.

  Otama guides me, explaining in a quiet, secretive tone:

  “Edana told us that her ancestors used to inhabit this cave. It’s sacred to her way beyond measure. She said she has found guidance since she entered these walls.”

  Rita summons us to the cave and so we follow her, although if it was up to me, I wouldn't dare, for I have a hunch that something dreadful awaits me there.

  I behold a group of ten women seated around a big stone table. They are withdrawn, silently holding hands. Edana is the only one standing and the natural respect she radiates, and her concentrated stone-like face, makes me wonder whether she in fact conducts this strange contemplation, prayer or perhaps some kind of a ritual.

  There are twelve simple stone-like beds along the walls, similar to the one in my cave, only they are covered with a generous layer of hay acting as blankets. The cave truly has a very strange atmosphere; it is dark, chilly and seems barren in some way, although many people live here.

  Far back in the dim nooks, in the recess of the humid wall, I behold an altar-like shape. It’s empty, yet I feel that a latent presence dwells there. It has a magnetic pull and for a while it feels as if it is tempting me to come over. I would not give in to the lure though, because I sense that something repulsive and ill possesses it. I get scared. The void. It is near, I feel. Edana abruptly breaks the silence.

  “Talitha! What a nice surprise!”

  All the women instantly recover and scrutinise me. I become too self-aware and thus also anxious. I don’t like this cave and I don’t like these gaping faces. There is something perturbing about all this. I start to feel weak in my knees. My hands harden. Discomfort spreads all over my body. I must go outside otherwise I'm certain I will faint. And so I dash out, inhale the fresh air. As I exhale, I start to shake. I sit on the grass and cling to a nearby birch for support. It welcomes me in its comforting arms, calm, majestic and strong. My limbs feel heavy and I start to shake even more now. It’s uncontrollable, way beyond my power. Although I can’t perceive why, every part of me seems to have utterly disagreed with that cave and what lingers inside. I gaze at my hands, it feels as if they aren’t part of me anymore, they feel hard like stones. And as I keep my eyes focused on my skin, I start to comprehend the convoluted shapes it shows.

  I detect the secret alphabet letters among the web of crossing lines and curves. The symbols seem to be inherent in every part of it. For some inexplicable reason, this realisation actually calms me down, and as I focus on th
ose token marks on my body, my hands ease and become part of me again. Only now I notice that the women have assembled at my side and hover over me like birds that search through the ground. My distrust perseveres even after some of the faces smile at me. Edana touches my forehead with an amiable concern.

  “Are you all right, Talitha?”

  I dread telling them the truth, for it might offend them, and so I remain quiet.

  “You must be overwhelmed. You’ve become too used to being alone and suddenly there are so many people around you. Do not worry, just take your time and get used to us. Whenever you feel ready and comfortable, you may come and join us.”

  Edana squeezes my hand encouragingly and summons the women to their duties. Rita lingers, but finally leaves as well. I remain sitting on the ground and as I continue breathing deeply, I finally find myself adapting to the new environment. I wonder why such an uncomfortable weakness has overpowered me. Was Edana right? Am I really in shock because of the human company? I move closer to the birch trunk and settle down, seating myself in the safe, comfortable space. Then I start to observe the bustle around me. Some of the women are preparing the fire, others food. Edana and Otama meanwhile discuss something, and Rita has been talking to a woman that I haven't noticed before – she is the oldest of the group, she could be around eighty to ninety years-old and she wears a dark rag over her eyes. I suppose that she is blind.

  I take an interest in a young woman who keeps to herself, like me. She is sullen, lost in her own world. Her eyes are wide open and she rocks herself back and forth, as if lulling herself to sleep. I can’t tell whether she is mad or in some sort of a trance, but she makes me both curious and nervous. I tilt my head up to the various tree crowns above me. Some of the branches have been decorated with ribbons. A festive night. I wonder why and what they are about to celebrate. Could it be just the fact that they are going to eat the magical mushrooms?