Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  Shit. What the hell was he playing at?

  “Are you sleeping with him or something?” Alex asked, as I stared at Josh who was completely ignoring me, although I was standing there dumbstruck.

  He’d actually had the nerve to play dumb and act like he didn’t remember anything when in fact he remembered everything.

  Asshole.

  “No, definitely not. He’s not in his right mind,” I said to Alex, knowing I’d be having a chat with my roommate later. I was not happy with him.

  I hustled Alex out of the pub as soon as I could, eager to push Josh out of both of our heads.

  Once we were in my room, I forced myself to focus on Alex, and in seconds our clothes were off and we were on my bed kissing. It wasn’t more than a minute before both of us decided we couldn’t hold back anymore, but this time Alex treated me to his talented tongue, which was actually what he did best. And then I didn’t care if I didn’t get off during sex, because he made sure I got off multiple times before he even entered me.

  Afterward, he held me in his arms and kissed my neck lightly, and he didn’t fall asleep. I felt like I was in heaven.

  “I’ve missed this,” I said.

  My head was resting on his shoulder, and my eyes were closed. His hand was lightly stroking my bare lower stomach, just gently enough that it didn’t tickle.

  “Me too,” he said, and kissed my shoulder.

  I smiled at his gesture, and turned to face him, propping myself up on my elbow. He had a lazy smile on his face, as he leaned back against my pillows.

  “I have to tell you something,” I said then, feeling like I needed to come clean about my date with Nathan.

  I felt guilty for having a date to begin with, since Alex and I were back together, but I also felt like I couldn’t cancel on Nathan at that point. It would be rude.

  “What’s that?” Alex murmured as he gazed up at me in post-coital bliss.

  “I have a date on Saturday night,” I said quickly. “It’s with this guy I just met. He called and asked, and I felt bad, so I agreed to go out with him. It’s too late to cancel, so I’ll just go out with him and that’ll be it.”

  “That’s okay,” he said calmly, before he trailed his finger down my arm.

  Excuse me?

  I moved to sit up which knocked his hand away. “Um, what do you mean that’s okay?”

  He reached out to pull me back down so my head was resting on his chest and he could play with my hair. He didn’t seem to be able to keep his hands off of me during this now very critical conversation we were having. Normally I would have liked it, but now it was just confusing and annoying.

  “It’s okay if you date other guys,” he said casually. “I don’t mind.”

  I pulled away to look at him. “It’s okay?” I questioned, trying not to freak out.

  “Sure,” he said, running his hand through his hair. “I’m not looking for anything serious, so dating other people is cool.”

  “Oh,” I said, trying my hardest not to cry and give away the fact that I had read him completely wrong.

  Alex traced the line of my jaw from my ear to my chin. Then, he leaned up and kissed me gently, making me halfway forget what we’d been discussing.

  “I’m just not ready to get serious with anyone, Taylor. But let me tell you, if I see you in five years, I’m putting a ring on your finger.”

  Five years? What was that crap? Did he just want to whore around for the next five years, so he could feel comfortable about settling down? That was some bullshit.

  “Um, what does that mean exactly?” I questioned.

  “It means that I love being here with you, I love doing this, and you’re incredible,” he said. “We’re young. Why does everything have to be so serious?”

  Because, although I probably still act like it, I’m not all that young. And neither are you.

  I sighed audibly, really trying to keep my shit in check, because in my head I was imaging throwing random inanimate objects directly at Alex’s head.

  “Tay,” he cooed, “I’m not going anywhere. Let’s just have fun for right now. Me and you – you know?”

  Dammit, he was totally playing into the sweet spot I had for him.

  “Okay, Alex,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Let’s just have fun.”

  But you’d better treat me to that sweet tongue of yours on a very regular basis.

  Chapter 7

  The next night I went out for drinks with Casey but turned down her invitation to go dancing afterward. She was meeting up with her roommates, but I was tired, so I decided to head home, thinking I would have the house to myself. I was surprised to find Josh there but figured it was a great time to clear the air. We definitely had some things we needed to get out into the open.

  Outside his bedroom door, I knocked softly on the door frame. He was lying on his bed and looked up at the sound of my knock from whatever it was he was staring at on his laptop screen. His blue eyes appeared almost translucent in the light from the screen. They were hypnotizing, and I found myself wondering why I’d never paid attention to them before. He didn’t smile and didn’t say anything.

  “Can I come in?” I asked.

  “Sure,” he said, not adding any inflection to his voice.

  I was careful not to trip over his running shoes that he’d left in the middle of the floor. I perched myself on the edge of his bed, pulled my knees up to my chest and eyed him warily for a few minutes. He was back to reading something on his computer screen.

  “What are you looking at?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” he said, closing his laptop and setting it next to him on the bed. He looked at me for a few seconds. “I’m just sort of working on something, but it’s not ready yet.”

  “What is it?”

  “A business plan of sorts.”

  “Really? Does it have to do with the bar?”

  He smirked at me. “Maybe. I’ll show it to you when it’s done, get your opinion if that’s cool.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, absolutely. I’d be happy to help.”

  Maybe that’s what he’d been talking about when he’d talked about us having a partnership. Maybe he needed me to be his HR consultant. That would be cool, and it would give me something to do since I was sort of bored not having a job to go to every day.

  “By the way, how’s the job search going?” he asked then.

  I shrugged. “Not great.”

  I’d done one phone interview the day before, but the job hadn’t even been close to HR. It was more telemarketing, and I was not interested in selling vacations over the phone. And earlier in the week I’d talked to a woman about a job at a bank, but she basically told me I was overqualified and made too much money. I told her I was willing to start at the bottom and work my way up, but she didn’t seem to believe me. Other than that, I was out of options for the time being.

  “Well, I’m sure something will come up,” he said, and then he changed the subject. “So you’re sleeping with Alex now.”

  It wasn’t a question. He knew what we’d been doing in my room the night before.

  “Yes,” I said, knowing I couldn’t lie to him.

  He nodded once.

  “J, I don’t want to fight with you about this,” I said, almost pleading with him.

  “We’re not fighting,” he said, but his tone said otherwise. He sounded mad, or indifferent, or something in between the two.

  I raised my eyebrows and gave him a knowing look. “We didn’t talk for almost a week, and you were definitely not happy with me last night.”

  “Fine, we’re fighting,” he said flatly.

  “Well, I don’t want to anymore.”

  “Okay, then we’re not fighting anymore.”

  I shook my head and grinned at him as I poked him in the leg with my toe. “J, be serious. You’re mad at me for dating Alex.”

  “No,” he said, giving me a pointed look, “I’m disappointed in you for sleeping with Alex.”
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br />   I sighed. “Why? You’re doing the same with Kimmy.”

  “No, Kimmy is my girlfriend. It’s a little different. I’m not her friend with benefits.”

  I sucked in a breath. That was a low blow, even though it was true, but Josh didn’t know that.

  “Why would you assume that he isn’t my boyfriend?” I snapped, knowing it would sound better if I pretended like Alex and I were more than what Josh had called us – friends with benefits. It just sounded so cheap.

  “Because I saw him Tuesday night at Peabody’s, and he had his tongue down some other girl’s throat,” Josh said harshly, and his words nearly sent me reeling backward off the bed.

  He saw my reaction and immediately softened his expression. “I’m sorry, Tay. I don’t know what he’s been telling you, but he’s not monogamous at the moment, unless that was you in a black wig on Tuesday night.”

  I shook my head. It was definitely not me. I’d come home after class on Tuesday, but Alex had obviously gone out. I looked down at my knees, trying to process everything. I’d been waiting for him to call me that night, but he wasn’t even thinking about me.

  Josh sat up and crossed his legs, so he was sitting Indian-style, facing me. He reached out and put his hand on my ankle.

  “He’s not the guy you think he is,” he said, then. “You deserve so much better.”

  Geez, the look he was giving me was damn near leveling. And seeing it, I knew I should bring up the kiss, but for some reason, the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I was too wrapped around what was happening with Alex to add any more drama to my life. And I was hurt that Alex had been out with some other girl, kissing her and doing God knows what else.

  “I know,” I said quietly, not wanting to say it too loudly. It was a little embarrassing that I was playing into Alex’s FWB agenda, but I was too weak around him. “He actually told me last night that he’s not looking for anything serious.”

  I figured I needed to come clean with Josh about that, even if it did make me look like an idiot. It wasn’t like I could mask it anymore. Alex was obviously seeing other people.

  Josh nodded but didn’t say anything.

  “He told me he wasn’t ready to date me, but in five years, if he saw me, he was going to put a ring on my finger.”

  Josh laughed out loud. “Sorry,” he said, when he saw how his reaction had affected me. “He actually said that to you?”

  “Yeah, he did,” I said holding out hope that Alex was being sincere.

  Maybe he really just wanted to be single for a while before settling down. Maybe I could be okay with that. Maybe after spending some time with me, he would realize that I was really the girl he wanted, and he would want to commit to me. Maybe. Hopefully.

  “Tay, do you really believe that?” Josh asked, pulling me out of my fantasy.

  I didn’t answer him.

  “Don’t you think that it’s a little ironic that a twenty-nine year-old guy can’t seem to commit to anyone?”

  I looked pointedly at him. “You’re thirty-one, and you can’t commit,” I said and felt like I was slapping him in the face.

  “I have a girlfriend,” Josh said coldly.

  Who’s completely wrong for you.

  “She’s not ‘the one’, and you know it,” I said, knowing I was risking crossing the line that got me in trouble with him the last time we’d talked about Kimmy.

  “Yeah, well, sometimes we’re with the one we’re with, because ‘the one’ is not available,” he said, looking directly at me.

  And I knew that was when I needed to bring up the kiss.

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, as my heart started to pound, and I wondered what he was going to say.

  He opened his mouth, but then changed his mind and closed it. He looked out the window for a few seconds, but he wasn’t looking at anything outside. The two of us and his room were reflected back in the glass, and in that reflection I could see his eyes were on me. I caught his gaze. He looked sad all of a sudden.

  “J, what’s going on?” I asked, watching his reflection. He turned back to look at the real me.

  “Nothing, I don’t know what I’m saying. I obviously haven’t met the right girl yet,” he said, and then shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, but I could tell it was. His eyes told a different story. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it.

  “You will,” I said, simply because it sounded like the right thing to say. “You’ll end up with someone great. I know it.”

  He smiled. “I know.”

  I smiled back at him. It was the least I could do.

  “Well, I guess if Kimmy’s not the one, then she’ll do for now. Or maybe I should get a friend that I can benefit from,” he said, his tone instantly changing. “Want to ditch Ex and be my FWB? I’m probably better in bed than he is anyway.”

  Yeah, I had no doubt that was true.

  “Ha, ha,” I said instead as the black cloud that had settled over our conversation started to dissipate. We were back to flirting which was a comfortable place for us. “You are hilarious.” I kicked his leg with my foot.

  “Oh yeah? Is that how you want to play it?” he asked, grinning at me, so I kicked him again. “You are five years old, Taylor.”

  Then he reached forward and yanked my leg, pulling me down onto the bed where he proceeded to tickle me until I screamed for him to stop. He was laughing as much as I was when he collapsed opposite me on the bed. I sat up and pinched the skin above his knee, and he smiled lazily at me from where his head lay on his pillow. And just like that, our fight was over.

  “Okay, I’m going to bed,” I said, pulling myself up into a sitting position, knowing I was a giant chicken.

  If I truly wanted to clear the air, I needed to bring up the kiss, but I was too afraid to go there. I knew it would change everything, and I didn’t want things to change.

  Josh looked over at his alarm clock. “It’s only ten o’clock. Do you want to watch TV for a little bit?”

  I shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

  I’d missed hanging with him that week.

  He moved his laptop to his bedside table to make room for me and patted the space next to him. I moved to the top of his bed so I could lean against the pillows that he had propped up against the headboard.

  Josh turned on a rerun of The Office, and we laid together watching it and laughing at all the same parts. At one of the commercials, he flipped through the channels to see what else was on and came across a late HBO showing of The Shining which was one of my all-time favorite horror movies.

  It was right at the point where Jack goes into room 237 and sees the beautiful woman sitting by the bathtub. When she turns around, half of her skin is missing. I screamed when she turned, and tucked into Josh’s chest, even though I knew exactly what was going to happen.

  He laughed and put his arm around me, pulling me close. For the rest of the movie, as the creepy twins on tricycles said ‘Redrum, redrum, redrum’, when the blood poured out of the elevator, and when Jack tried to hack up his wife and son, I cowered into Josh’s chest and tried not to look. He just laughed at me the whole time.

  When the movie was finally over, I pulled away and let my whole body go slack as I stretched out. I hadn’t realized how stiff I’d been during the whole thing.

  “I thought you loved that movie?” he asked, looking over at me as the credits rolled.

  “I do,” I insisted. “It’s just freaking scary!”

  He laughed again. “I think it’s awesome.”

  “It is, but now I’m terrified to go back to my room,” I whined, knowing I was adding a touch of drama, just for effect, even though I really was scared to sleep alone.

  “Do you want to have a sleepover?” he asked sarcastically, but I knew he was serious.

  It wasn’t the first time we’d done it. I’d fallen asleep in his bed before, and he’d slept in mine. It wasn’t sexual at all, it was just sleeping.

  I looked up at him, gratef
ul that he’d asked and nodded slowly.

  He laughed again. “Okay, finish getting ready for bed and come back in here. I’ll protect you tonight.”

  “Thank you,” I said, smiling at him.

  I hurried back to my room, turning on every light along the way. I washed my face and brushed my teeth as quickly as I could before heading back to Josh’s room where I found him sitting up in bed reading a Stephen King novel. How on earth he could read a horror novel after watching a scary movie was beyond me, but that was Josh. He was fearless.

  I noticed how cute he looked in his glasses, since he’d taken his contacts out. Not wanting to think that, I crawled into bed and turned away from him. I was tired and would fall asleep quickly now that I knew I wasn’t in danger of being murdered in my sleep.

  “Is the light bothering you?” Josh asked, referring to the lamp he was using to read.

  I looked back at him. “Nope. You’re fine.”

  “I know,” he said in mock arrogance, and I turned to grin at him.

  He was smiling back at me.

  “Hey, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” he said, looking up from his book.

  I sighed. “I hate that I have to do this, mostly because I figured I’d be dating someone by this point, but I sort of RSVP’d to my cousin’s wedding in two weeks with a date, and I don’t have a date.”

  “You don’t want to take Alex?”

  I sighed. “My family hates him.”

  “See a pattern developing?” he asked, and I would have smacked him had it not been the truth.

  “I guess, but that’s not the point. The point is, I’m dateless, so I need a huge favor from you.”

  “You want me to be your date?”

  I nodded. “If you can get away. I’ll pay for your plane ticket and your hotel room. You won’t have to pay for anything, but you’d really be doing me a favor.”

  “Yeah, absolutely,” he answered without hesitation, and my heart melted just a little.