Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  “Thank you, Josh,” I said, hugging him around his middle.

  “Anything for you, Swift,” he said sweetly.

  I breathed out a huge sigh of relief, feeling like a weight had been lifted from my chest. The wedding thing had been bugging me for a while.

  “Goodnight Tay,” Josh whispered, as I rolled back over onto my side.

  “Night Josh.”

  I closed my eyes and drifted off into what I hoped would be a dreamless sleep. The last thing I needed was to imagine myself being chased through a maze by an axe-wielding Jack Nicholson.

  Chapter 8

  Josh walked into my room when he got home from the gym on Sunday and flopped down on my bed next to where my research for a paper was laying.

  “Hey,” he said, as he turned on his side to look up at me.

  “Hi,” I said, not taking my eyes off of my laptop. I only had a few pages left to go.

  “How was your date with Mr. Abercrombie last night?”

  I shrugged. “It was fine, but there wasn’t a lot of chemistry.”

  “That sucks,” he said, but I wasn’t sure I believed him.

  He hadn’t been very excited to hear that I had a date with Nathan in the first place, so it made sense. For some reason he hadn’t liked him from the get-go.

  “So did you just have a burning desire to ask me about my date, or did you want something else?” I asked, knowing I sounded snippy, but I was on a deadline.

  “I wanted to see if you wanted to grab drinks and dinner tonight. Kimmy’s going out with friends, so I’m flying solo. Want to be my date? Please say yes, because if you don’t, I will be faced with a very lonely night.”

  “Aww, you poor, unloved guy,” I teased.

  “I know,” he said, chuckling as he looked up at me. “No, really, I was hoping we could do something. I’ve missed you.”

  He sounded slightly down again, but that time, I didn’t think he was kidding.

  “Okay, fine. Just let me finish this paper, and I’m all yours.

  “I wish,” he said, as he hauled himself off my bed and turned back to grin at me.

  I just shook my head at him, wondering if he was joking.

  “J, can I ask you something,” I called after him, sensing a golden opportunity. I needed to finally bite the bullet.

  “What’s up?” he asked, pausing in my doorway.

  “Can you, um, can you come back over here?”

  He walked back over to my bed, and I found myself watching him more closely than I ever had before. He settled back down next to me with his head against my pillows and looked over at me.

  “Do you like me?” I blurted out, knowing there was no other way to do it.

  He looked confused for a second. “Define ‘like’,” he finally said.

  I gave him an exasperated look. He knew what I meant. Was he just buying time?

  “I mean, do you like me as in like me, as in you want me to be your girlfriend.” I eyed him carefully, waiting to see his expression.

  He laughed a short, semi-humorless laugh. “What on earth made you ask me that?” he asked, and I suddenly felt very stupid. It was time to lay all my cards on the table.

  “Well,” I began, “you told me you loved me, and you kissed me.”

  His eyes went wide as saucers. “I did? When?”

  And then I got really confused. Did he really not remember? Or was he lying?

  I kept my expression serious. “The night you were really drunk, after we got home from Champps – the night you asked me to be your partner.”

  There was no way he could deny that. He’d outright admitted that he remembered that part of the night the week before.

  But he still looked utterly baffled. “I remember asking you that, but I thought I passed out right after.”

  “You did, but not before you told me you loved me and you kissed me.”

  “I kissed you? For real?” he asked, seemingly trying to wrap his head around the idea.

  I had a really hard time believing that he didn’t remember, but he seemed so genuine.

  “Yeah, you did.”

  “Shit, Tay. I’m sorry,” he said, as he raked his hand back through his hair. I could tell he was visibly disturbed by what he was processing. “I had no idea. I must have been really, really drunk to do something like that.”

  “Yeah, you were.”

  He looked guilty as he raked his hand back through his hair again, leaving it sticking up at odd angles. “Shit. I’m really sorry. I honestly didn’t mean to do that.”

  “So did you mean what you said?”

  “About loving you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I mean, yeah, sure, I love you. You know that. But, man, I can’t believe I kissed you.” He looked utterly appalled by what I’d revealed to him. “Was it at least a good kiss?”

  “Do you want the truth?” I asked, not knowing if I should tell him or not.

  “Yeah.”

  “It was kind of wet and sloppy,” I said, grimacing slightly at the crestfallen look on his face. “I’m sorry, but you were really drunk. I’m sure you’re a great kisser normally.”

  “I am,” he insisted. “I told you that before.”

  I raised an eyebrow at him.

  “I am,” he said again with more fire in his eyes.

  “I believe you,” I said non-convincingly, as I set my laptop to the side and stretched my arms above my head.

  “No, you don’t,” Josh said, suddenly tackling me, as he pinned my arms above my head and hovered over me. “Give me another chance.”

  He puckered up his lips in an exaggerated sort of way and closed his eyes.

  “Eww, get off me,” I said, pressing my hands against his chest and pushing, but he didn’t budge.

  “Come on, Tay, kiss me. Pleeease,” he begged, as he opened his eyes. “Or at least tell me you believe me – and mean it this time.”

  “Okay, okay, I believe you,” I relented, laughing as he loomed above me. “Quite honestly, it was better than our first kiss, but it wasn’t anything to write home about.”

  Josh smirked down at me and settled on my right side as he released my hands.

  “Did you know you were my first kiss?” I asked him then, not sure why I suddenly felt compelled to share something I’d kept a secret for so many years.

  “I was?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I had the biggest crush on you back then,” I said, shaking my head at the memory. “But you wanted nothing to do with me.”

  “You were just a kid,” he said softly as he swept my hair back from my face.

  “I’m not a kid anymore,” I said, as my eyes locked with his, not sure what angle I was playing. I was sort of losing focus, getting wrapped up in what was right in front of me, and it was unsettling at the same time as it was thrilling.

  But it was then that Josh’s phone started to ring in his pocket, and we were both jerked back to the present. He sat up, pulled it from his pocket and stared at the screen for a few seconds before hitting ‘accept’ and putting the phone to his ear.

  “Hey,” he said quickly. “Yeah. I know.” He looked down at me and blinked a few times, then he out a big sigh. “Hang on a second.”

  He pulled the phone away from his ear and pressed the button to mute it. He smiled at me, but it wasn’t his full grin, so I was suddenly worried that something was wrong.

  “Everything okay?”

  He nodded once. “I’m just going to take this in my room, but let’s go all out tonight, huh?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Just look pretty and girlie, and I’ll show you a good time,” he said, winking at me as he left my room.

  I knew he was trying to mask whatever it was that was suddenly bothering him, and I wasn’t sure why.

  * * *

  An hour later, I had changed into a light blue strapless fit and flare dress and silver heels and was just about ready. Josh appeared in the doorway to my bathroom as I was glamming up my
make-up. I pulled my mascara wand back from my eye and appraised him, a full grin spreading across my face as I took in the dapper man I saw before me.

  “Hello, Neal Caffrey,” I said, referencing my favorite character from White Collar, who Josh knew I lusted after on a regular basis.

  He smirked and tipped his dark gray fedora in my direction, in an oh-so-cool gesture, as I whistled at him.

  He looked good. He’d paired his hat with a dark gray suit and a tie. I didn’t even know he owned a suit. I’d never seen him wearing one aside from his dad’s funeral, and he’d burned that one in the backyard the day after the burial.

  “This is hot, right?” he questioned, and I wondered if he’d looked in the mirror. Had he, he would have seen an incredibly good-looking guy with sparkling blue eyes staring back at him. How could he not have realized he looked hot? I’d never seen him look so good.

  “Kimmy’s going to be pissed you wasted all that hotness on me,” I said, returning to the mirror, but not before I saw a cloud pass over his face.

  Something was up with them. I could just tell. I knew it had been her on the phone earlier, and I wondered what she’d done.

  “Tonight is all about you, Ms. Ellison,” he said, recovering quickly and masking whatever he was dealing with.

  “Oh, it is?” I asked, glancing over at him to find him leaning against the door frame, watching me carefully as I applied my lip gloss.

  “Absolutely. I figure we’ll start with drinks at the pub, if you’re okay with that. Then we’ll head over to Bern’s for dinner, an–”

  “Bern’s?” I spluttered, not sure I’d heard him correctly. Bern’s Steakhouse was the nicest steak restaurant in Tampa.

  “Yes, Bern’s,” Josh said coolly. “Where I will be paying, so don’t even try to argue with me.”

  “Josh!” I protested.

  He put his hand up. “No, I’m doing this. You’ve had a rough couple of weeks, and I know you have finals coming up, so I want to do something nice for you. Let me.”

  He eyed me pointedly, so I just shook my head and shrugged. “Fine, but I’m buying the drinks beforehand.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “At the pub that I manage, where I never charge you for anything?”

  I laughed. “Yes,” I said definitively.

  He smiled at me. “Okay, you got it. But I’m buying dinner and the wine and the dessert that I will force-feed you if I have to since I know you never eat dessert.”

  I couldn’t help but return his smile, but a part of me suddenly got sad. The night he’d planned was exactly the kind of night I wished Alex wanted to share with me. It was great to hang out with Josh, but he was just a friend. It sucked that Alex couldn’t come to his senses and see how great things could be between us.

  Then I decided I couldn’t think about Alex. I couldn’t let him get to me, and I needed to push him out of my mind and just enjoy a fun night with my roommate.

  “Give me five minutes,” I told Josh. “Then we can go.”

  * * *

  That night, after drinking martinis, since Josh insisted we had to given how dressed up we were, we drove to Bern’s for what was quite possibly the best meal of my life. And I realized when Josh got up to go to the bathroom before he paid the check, that it was the best night out I’d had in a long time. Josh and I laughed and talked and joked, and it was so simple and easy that I never once thought about Alex – that is until I saw him walk into the restaurant with a blond on his arm, and my heart sank to the floor.

  I’d dated him for two years – two years! And he’d never taken me anywhere as nice as Bern’s. And now he was taking some girl, who he definitely wasn’t serious with, out for a meal that would cost as much as his electric bill. And all I got were drinks at Josh’s pub and some appetizers – oh and mediocre sex. That was some bullshit.

  I thought seriously about confronting him and was just about to rise out of my chair when Josh returned to the table.

  “What’s going on?” he asked, settling down across from me.

  I looked over at him and jerked my thumb in Alex’s direction, fully pouting at that point. “Look who’s here with someone who isn’t me,” I said, not bothering to follow Josh’s gaze to again see the girl with huge tits sitting across from Alex wearing a low cut dress. Whore.

  “Oh,” Josh said, a mix of surprise and sudden anger in his tone.

  I let out a long sigh. “Can we just go?” I asked, sinking further down into my chair.

  “Yeah, sure,” he said, signaling our waiter.

  The five minutes it took to pay the check and wait for the waiter to bring back the copy of the receipt for Josh to sign were some of the longest, most agonizing minutes of my life. I simultaneously prayed that Alex wouldn’t see me, but at the same time I hoped he would see me, think I was on a date with Josh, get jealous, and profess his love for me. He didn’t, and Josh and I left without Alex ever noticing us.

  “Home?” I asked, as the valet brought Josh’s jeep around.

  “No,” Josh said, as if going home was the craziest suggestion he’d ever heard. “Absolutely not.”

  “Come on, J. I’m tired. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for days.”

  “No,” he said again, but it was softer that time. Then he threaded his arms around my waist and pulled me back against his chest. “Swift, you’re better than him, okay? I know you can’t see that now, but you are amazing, and if Alex Brockman can’t see that, then he’s blind.”

  I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes, not because what Josh was saying was so sweet, because it was, but I also knew that he was right. Alex was blind. He didn’t see anything I wanted or needed him to see, and it just sucked.

  “I just want him to like me,” I said simply, knowing Josh could decipher what I meant.

  Sure, Alex wanted to sleep with me and spend time with me, but I wanted more. I wanted him to fall in love with me and choose me, but I knew in my heart that would never happen.

  “I know,” Josh said softly, as he squeezed me against his chest once and then released me.

  The valet parked the jeep and Josh switched places with him, and we started driving. I had no idea where we were going, but at that point, I didn’t quite care. I just leaned my head against the window and fought the urge to cry. In the span of ten minutes, Alex had unknowingly ruined the fantastic night I’d been having, and I sort of hated him for it.

  * * *

  “How much do you love me?” Josh asked, as he spun me around in front of him.

  “You are my favorite person in the world, Josh Nolan,” I yelled over the loud music at The Blue Martini and took another sip of my cocktail, spilling some of it on the floor and not caring in the least.

  Josh just grinned in triumph. He’d been trying to cheer me up for the two hours straight, and it hadn’t been working, but then all of a sudden, it was like I was over all the bullshit with Alex. It might have been the Long Island Ice Teas Josh was plying me with, but it didn’t matter. I was cured! So I jumped up, grabbed his arm and pulled him out to dance with me, and we’d been doing just that for an hour.

  I felt light and happy again and was having so much fun, and it was all because of him.

  “Well, you are my favorite person in the world, Taylor Ellison,” Josh said, as he yanked my arm to pull me back. Once I was flush against his body, he let his hand run down my back to settle at the base of my spine.

  “I am?!” I asked excitedly.

  “You are. Thank you for humoring me and getting dressed up and coming out tonight.”

  I grinned. “You got all dressed up. I couldn’t not humor you,” I said, taking his fedora off of his head and plunking it down on mine.

  “It looks ten times better on you than it did on me,” he said softly, his eyes never breaking my gaze.

  “That’s because I look ten times better than you,” I said haughtily.

  “Aww,” Josh said, clutching his chest in mock hurt. “That’s mean.”

  I
let my shoulders sag. “Okay, fine. You’re adorable,” I said and kissed him on the cheek.

  Then I grabbed his hand and started to drag him off the dance floor.

  “Where are we going, Swift?”

  I stopped walking and turned around to face him. “My feet are killing me, and all I can think about is curling up on one of those big couches at O’Donnell’s and taking my shoes off. I think I’d also like an Anchor Steam.”

  “Oh yeah? Well, bad news, O’Donnell’s closes in fifteen minutes.”

  I smiled. “Good thing I know the guy who has a set of keys.”

  “Oh, and you think he’s going to let you hang out after hours, drink free beer, and cuddle up on his couch?”

  I nodded. “I know he will, because he’s going cuddle up with me.”

  Josh looked amused. “Yeah, okay, sure. I guess we could do that.”

  “Of course we can,” I said, dragging his hand again. “I’m jobless, and you have the best job ever, so we can sleep in tomorrow when all the other corporate losers have to go to work.”

  “I thought you liked being a corporate loser,” Josh said when we emerged outside.

  “I would rather not talk about my current situation and lack of prospects in the career department, thank you very much,” I said, not wanting to kill the amazing buzz I had going. “Unless you want to hire me to be your HR consultant in your new business endeavor, because that idea certainly intrigued me. I’m not going to lie, and I am pretty hard up for work, so I’ll do just about anything, even if you don’t pay me.”

  “Interesting,” was all he said, so I looked back and him and crossed my eyes.

  He laughed out loud and put his arm around me as we walked.

  * * *

  “What is up with Kimmy?” I asked unceremoniously when Josh returned to the couch with my second beer, a plate of jalapeño poppers, nachos, and chicken fingers.

  We were late night snacking, and since we were finally alone after the bartenders, servers, and Brad had left a few minutes earlier, I was curled up on one end of the brown leather overstuffed couch in the back of the bar with my shoes off.

  “What do you mean?” Josh asked warily, as he settled down at the opposite end of the couch and took a long sip of his beer.