by Erin Osborne
I’m not sure how much more time has passed since the blackness begins to recede again. There’s still a hand holding mine and I immediately hope that it’s Shadow sitting here with me. But that isn’t possible with the rift between us. He probably doesn’t even know that I’m here. I know that I’m in the hospital and that the beeping noise is a heart monitor. It’s the only clue that I’m lying in a hospital bed right now.
Instead of trying to move my body, I go for opening my eyes. Only one of them will open, and thankfully the room is dark so that I don’t have the glare of the lights hurting my weak eye right now. Looking around as much as I can, I see that I’m definitely in one of the private rooms at the hospital. There’s a dark head lying next to me on the edge of the bed. The hand holding mine is large and rough, rings lacing some of the fingers. As I let my sight adjust, I notice that it’s Shadow in the room with me. My heart rate speeds up as I move my fingers. What I really want to do is run my fingers through his long hair.
“Renee? You’re awake?” I hear Shadow ask, his voice sleep filled and husky as he picks his head up and looks at me.
“I am. I’m so sore,” I moan, looking down the bed for the first time and seeing that both of my legs are bandaged and that’s why I couldn’t feel any movement when I tried to wake up before.
“I know you are baby. Do you want me to get the doctor to give you somethin’?” he asks, starting to stand up.
“No, please stay. Water?” I ask, needing something to wet my dry throat.
Shadow gets the water pitcher and fills a cup with a straw already in it for me. He holds the cup and lets me take a few small sips before setting it down on the stand next to him. For a few minutes we do nothing but look at one another. I know I don’t give second chances to explain and I never let a guy back in once that door is closed, but have I made a mistake when it comes to Shadow? Can I let him back in and see where we go from here? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I intend to give it some serious thought.
“Where’s Dylan?” I ask, my son becoming my main concern, breaking whatever moment Shadow and I were having.
“He’s home with your sister. She’s keepin’ him occupied, but he wants you,” Shadow answers as the door opens and Liz walks in.
“You’re up,” she says, rushing to my bedside. “How do you feel?”
Looking at her, we burst out laughing. This is the go-to when a patient wakes up and we know that more than likely the person is feeling like shit. I’m not different and this is what I needed to break the tension that was filling the air. I sober and try to sit up a little higher in the bed before Liz uses the controls to raise the head of the bed.
“I feel like shit, but we both know that’s the case. Things are starting to come back as far as what happened though,” I tell her and Shadow as images filter through my mind about the accident.
“What happened?” Shadow asks, sitting back down in the chair and moving closer to the side of my bed.
“I was going home like any other day. There was an old lady walking across the road and I went to slow down so I didn’t hit her. Instead of slowing down, my foot went all the way to the floor, and it felt like the speed of the car went up. I’m not sure how my breaks weren’t working since I just had the car in for routing maintenance, or why the throttle would stick. Anyway, the lady stopped and stared at me careening straight toward her. So, I turned the wheel to the left so I would miss her. With no breaks, I couldn’t get the car back under control before I hit the tree and almost flipped over. I don’t know how I didn’t die in that crash,” I say, feeling the emotions overtake me as I recount the events of the accident as best as I can remember.
I look between Liz and Shadow. Liz is standing next to me with her mouth hanging open and a shocked expression on her face. There’s tears forming in her eyes and I know she’s on the verge of an emotional break-down. Her husband was killed in a car accident not long after we started working here. This has to bring back memories for her and that wasn’t what I wanted to do. Shadow is sitting up ramrod straight in the chair next to me. He’s shaking with emotion and I know he wants to be beating the shit out of something right now. Shadow’s angry, scared, and there’s regret clearly showing on his face. There may not be any tears in his eyes, but I can see that he’s affected more than he wants to let on. They should try being the one that lived through the shit. Talk about an eye-opener.
“Look, I’m okay. Well, I will be eventually. I know what I’m going to have to do considering my legs are both in casts and I can feel the pain tormenting my body. So, Liz please tell me what’s wrong so I can get a better idea of what I have to do to get back to work,” I say, knowing that I need to turn the attention off of what I just said about the crash. Hearing all my injuries might not be the best way to do that, but it is what it is.
Liz goes on to list all the injuries and I can’t believe that there’s not more. I’m going to end up having to go to physical therapy for a long time before I can even think about coming back to work. I don’t even know how this is going to work with taking care of Dylan. He’s a very active three-year-old and wants to be on the go constantly. While I’m recovering I won’t be able to keep up with him. Melissa is only here for another few days before she has to go home. She got a job and needs to head back to start living her life again instead of taking care of Dylan and me. I can’t keep her here to help me. I’ll have to figure something out while I’m still in the hospital.
“Liz, do you know how long I’m going to be in the hospital. My sister has to go home soon and I need to make arrangements for Dylan,” I say, looking at her and avoiding eye contact with Shadow.
“Hun, you’re going to be here for a while. You can’t walk and will have to go to rehab for your legs. I don’t know how long that’s going to take. You’ll have to talk to Dr. Anderson when she comes in,” Liz answers, telling me who the orthopedic surgeon I’ll be dealing with is.
“Where is she? I want to talk to her,” I say, wanting to figure out a way that I can go home and be with my son. I don’t care what it takes at this point to make that happen.
“I’ll go get her and have her come see you,” Liz says, leaving the room to just Shadow and me again.
“Baby, you know that you’re goin’ to have to do what the doctors say. Let’s see what she says and we’ll try to figure out a way to get you home, yeah?” Shadow says, leaning in closer as my eyes fill with tears of frustration. He wipes away a tear that leaves my eye and starts to weave its way down my cheek.
“Why are you here, Shadow? What’s in this for you?” I ask, wanting to know what’s going on once and for all with him.
“I’m here because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. And you need someone that’s goin’ to be able to take care of you. Melissa has been takin’ care of Dylan, so I’m here with you. No matter what’s goin’ on between us, I wasn’t about to have you wake up in a hospital room all alone,” he says like it’s the most normal answer in the world. Then, he grabs my hand again and rubs his thumb back and forth over the back of my hand.
“Well, I’m awake now and I’m sure you have things to get busy doing. Thank you for being here Shadow. I’ll see you around,” I say, turning my head so he can’t see the misery in my eyes.
“Nope. Not gettin’ rid of me like that babe. I’m here for the long haul and I’m goin’ to make sure Dylan and you are taken care of so you can go home. If that means I stay with you, then I guess you’ll have to deal with it. Now, let’s see what the doctor has to say before we make any other plans. Okay?” he says, like we’re together and he’s going to take the burden off my shoulders.
I nod my head because I know that it’s no good fighting him. Shadow will do what he wants to do. Even if that’s taking over my life; taking over Dylan’s life. My main thought is that he’s going to come back into his life and Dylan will get even more attached to him only for Shadow to disappear when he realizes that I don’t know if I can give him w
hat he wants. I’ll be damned if Dylan is hurt because of this situation. Looks like I’ll be having a conversation with Shadow once we know what’s going on.
Before I can say anything else on the subject, the door to the room opens and Liz is followed in by Dr. Anderson. This is the moment I’m both dreading and waiting for. I can’t be away from Dylan for the amount of time I’ll have to spend in a rehab center. But, I don’t necessarily want to be at the mercy of Shadow either. It’s a damn catch twenty-two. Anyway, I turn my full attention to the doctor I’ve worked with a few times in the emergency room.
“Dr. Anderson, how are you today?” I ask, wincing at my professional tone when I’m her patient now.
“I’m good Renee. I would ask how you were doing, but I’m sure I can guess,” she says looking at my chart before turning her attention to me. “Now, Liz says you want to find out about going home. I don’t recommend it, but I know you have a small son at home and that changes the situation a little bit. First question I’m going to ask is will you have help at home? Then I want to know if you’ll be able to make it to your rehab appointments so that you we can get you back up and walking sooner rather than later?”
“Well, my sister has to go back home. She’s the one that’s been helping me. But, I’ll be fine if I can have a wheel chair or something,” I say, avoiding the man that’s sitting next to me and dominating the room even when he’s doing nothing. “As far as getting to appointments, I’ll make sure that I am there no matter what I have to do.”
“Excuse me,” Shadow says, finally sticking his nose in the conversation. “I’ll be at her house with her, but the wheel chair is a good idea. And, I’ll make sure that I have a way to take her to all of her appointments. When are you thinkin’ she can get out of here?”
“She’s going to need to stay a few more days before we’re comfortable enough to send her home. I’d say that by Friday at the latest she’ll be able to break free,” Dr. Anderson says, standing at the end of the bed and making sure that she’s looking back and forth between Shadow and me.
I nod my head and realize that I’m not going to be getting out of here anytime soon. Yeah, it’s only a few days, but when you have a small child, that’s a lot of time that I’m going to be away from him. Hell, I’ve already been away from him more than he’s used to. I can’t begin to imagine the thoughts that are running through his mind at where I am. We’ve never been separated since the day I had him other than when I’m at work. I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t see Dr. Anderson and Liz leave the room. The only thing that breaks me out of my head is when Shadow puts his phone in front of my face and I see my sister’s name on the screen.
“Hello?” she answers as a video screen pulls up. “Renee, oh my God! I’ve been here with Dylan and haven’t seen you for myself yet. He knows that you’ve been hurt and are at the hospital. Sis, he’s been asking a lot of questions. Will you see him?”
“Yeah,” I say, letting the tears flow from my eyes at the knowledge that I’m about to see Dylan.
“Mamma! I see you!” Dylan’s excited voice comes through the phone as his image comes into focus. “You got boo-boos mamma. Are you otay?”
“Yeah buddy, I’m doing a lot better now. What have you been doing?” I ask, wanting to get the focus off of me.
Dylan takes my sister’s phone and takes off toward the living room. I can see that he’s playing with his blocks and a smile fills my face at the excitement in his little voice as he tells me all about crashing a new car through the wooden blocks. Shadow is laughing softly next to me so he doesn’t interrupt my conversation with Dylan, but my son doesn’t miss anything.
“Mamma, who’s there with you?” he asks and I know that I’m not going to get out of telling him that Shadow is here right now.
“Shadow’s here,” I answer simply.
“My friend? He’s really there?” Dylan asks, jumping up and down for joy.
I turn the phone so that he can see Shadow sitting next to me in the chair. The two talk as I lay back against the pillows and listen to them. Thankfully he doesn’t tell Dylan that he’ll be coming home with me. That’s something that still has to be decided and I don’t want to disappoint the little guy before it’s necessary. Dylan is chatting away with Shadow as I feel myself beginning to fade again. So, I let him finish their conversation before he turns the phone back to me.
“Buddy, I’m getting really sleepy again. I love you and I miss you so much!” I tell him, sitting up a little without wincing in pain for him to see. “I’ll talk to you soon okay?”
“Otay mamma. I loves you!” he says, before running back into my sister who’s in the kitchen.
“Renee, I’ll bring him up to see you tomorrow. Call me when you get up?” she asks, standing up and heading toward the living room to sit on the couch.
“Yeah. Thank you sis, for everything,” I say, leaning back and not bothering to hide the pain I feel. “I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
We hang up and I hand the phone back to Shadow. He’s looking at me with a look I don’t recognize on his face. I can’t think too much about it as I close my eyes and begin to drift away. These pain meds are kicking my ass and I won’t be taking them once I head home. I’ll have to remember to talk to Dr. Anderson about it before I leave here. I want to be able to see my son and act like I’m there with him, not be sleeping all the time. Before I can think too much more, the blackness drags me under and I fall into a fitful sleep.
Chapter Two
Shadow
THE LAST THREE DAYS HAVE BEEN THE best and worst. Watching Renee struggle with pain from trying to do even the simplest tasks has been the hard part. She sprained her dominate hand so it’s hard for her to eat or do much of anything; more awkward than anything really. As far as her legs go, it’s hard for her to move period. She’s got almost no mobility right now and I know that it’s frustrating the hell out of her. I can see it in her eyes and the way tears fill them on a regular basis. But, today she gets to go home and can have a little bit of freedom. There won’t be nurses coming in constantly to check on her and she might get a little more rest. When she sleeps here, it never lasts and I know she’s restless as I can hear her moving all night long.
Melissa is coming in today so that she can help her get dressed and washed up a little bit. I’m not trying to take it that far yet. Besides, she’s leaving tomorrow afternoon so I’m going to have to start helping her wash up and stuff for a while. It’s no hardship on my part, trust me. I just don’t want to push her away before I have a chance to get my foot back in the door all the way. So, for now, I’ll go to the house and hang out with Dylan. She’s leery about me being around her son again, I can tell that Renee doesn’t necessarily want me there. To a degree I understand her apprehension, but we need to get her over whatever fear she’s got so we can move past it.
“Shadow, you realize that I don’t need you at my house every day and night, right?” Renee asks, sitting up a little easier in the hospital bed.
“You do need someone there. So, when I have to work or go on club business, one of the girls will be with you. Dylan needs someone to help him, and right now you need the help too. That help will be coming from me. What are you so worried about?” I ask, needing to get this part of our conversation out of the way now.
“It’s on me, but Dylan is already attached to you. He asks about you every single day. I don’t want you coming back around only to leave again when you realize that we’re not what you’re looking for,” she says, taking her gaze from me down to the floor.
“I’m in it for the long haul, babe. You just have to realize that. We’re goin’ to talk some shit through in a few days. Right now, I want you to focus on gettin’ home and seein’ your son. When everythin’ is back into a somewhat normal routine, you and I will have our talk. I’m not leavin’ Dylan, or you, behind. He’ll see me so much that he’ll get sick of me bein’ around,” I tell her, lifting her chin up so she can see that
I’m telling the truth.
“I want to go home, so I’ll accept your help Shadow. Just please don’t expect more out of me this time. I can’t do that again,” she tells me, tilting her chin up in defiance.
“I’ll see you when you get there. I’m goin’ to head out so I’m there with Dylan while Melissa comes to help you. I’ll see ya soon,” I tell her as I lean down and kiss the top of her head before walking out of her room.
Walking out to my bike, my mind fills with all the things I’m going to need from the clubhouse and what I’m going to do with Dylan and Renee while I’m there. It’s going to be a fight to prove anything to her, but I’m willing to put the work in. In the meantime, I’m going to have to figure out ways to keep Dylan occupied so that Renee can rest and not try to do too much too soon. I can already see that being a huge source of fights for us.
As I pull up to Renee’s house, Dylan comes running out the door. I quickly shut my bike off and throw my leg over so I can brace before his little body hits mine. The force of his running and excitement almost throw me off balance, but I just manage to catch myself. Dylan wraps his arms around me and won’t let go. So, I stand up, holding him close to me, while I walk up the short sidewalk to the porch. Melissa is standing there, looking at us with the look of awe on her face.
“Melissa,” I grunt while walking by and through the door.
“I’ve never seen him do that with anyone,” she says, following behind us and closing the door. “He’s been waiting ever since I told him his friend Shadow was coming to hang out with him today.”
“That right little man?” I ask, sitting on the couch and shifting him around until he’s facing me.
Dylan nods his head and wraps his little arms tighter around me. It’s like he’s afraid I’m going to disappear if he lets go. It’s in this moment I finally understand what Renee was talking about in the hospital. No matter what happens between us, Dylan will never again suffer our decisions. I’ll do whatever I have to in order to stay in his life from here on out. I plan on being a part of it every single day, but if Renee wants out and won’t let me back in then I’ll have to find a way to spend time with him on a regular basis.