Finding My Way

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Well then, by all means, let me unwrap my present.”

  Chapter 18

  In all my years at Beaumont High, I’ve never attended a party at the Appleton house. From what I’ve heard, they’re legendary. Candy Appleton is the youngest of four. Her older brothers are all off at college and have maybe even graduated by now. Growing up, the stories that have been told would put the stories in Playboy to shame. Most were told to me as a form of punishment. If you end up at their house you can kiss – insert whatever my prized possession is at the time - goodbye. I stayed away, mostly for fear that something would happen and I’d lose my scholarship. It also doesn’t help that Josie doesn’t like Candy, but I don’t like Nick and that doesn’t seem to stop Josie from talking to him.

  Candy graduated with me a few short hours ago and while most of our classmates are still with their family, her house is bustling with action. I have a feeling it’s not just our classmates that are here. If her older brothers are home, it means the booze will be plenty and I for one, am eager to tie one on. It’ll be interesting to see whom I run into tonight and how much they’ve changed after a year or two in college. Maybe they can shed some light on the way I’m feeling.

  I meander through her house, nodding at people I know. Bodies are pressed against each other; some are dancing and others are getting to know each other without talking. As I look around I notice that the people here aren’t my usual crowd. Only a few of my teammates are here, everybody else are people I’ve known for years, but haven’t really hung out with. Looking at them now, it makes me wonder why that was. I shake my head, knowing exactly why – Sterling. If it weren’t for Mason, I’d have no friends. Who the hell would want to be my friend anyway? I have nothing to offer them. You can’t party at my house or even come over. Why would anyone want to be friends with that kind of loser?

  When I think about it, they don’t. Sure people are saying hi, they’ll talk to me and hang around me and according to some popularity vote with the yearbook, I’m the most popular guy in school, but I have no friends. I have Josie, Mason and Katelyn. That’s it.

  I stand against the wall with a beer in my hand. I’m people watching. Looking to see how everyone interacts. Nick is in the corner talking to a brunette. Maybe that’s his Josie replacement. Short of actually kicking his ass, I’ve threatened him one too many times. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he stays away from my girl, but apparently it is. He can’t seem to get it through his head that she’s mine. It’s not like we just started dating or we’re just having some type of fling. Two plus years together ought to stand for something. Nick claims he just wants to be her friend, but I’m not buying it.

  I walk outside and check out the Appletons’ yard. Their set up is party central with a built in pool, pool house and trees offering privacy. I can only imagine what goes on back here. Rumor has it that Candy is a sure thing. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been interested in her. I set my sights on one girl and she was receptive. I don’t regret spending all my high school years with her. Every single moment has been worth it.

  The wind blows, but doesn’t cool down the air. Earlier today a storm rolled through making it impossible for us to have graduation outside. Instead, they packed us into the gym like sardines and forgot to turn on the air conditioner. It was stifling up on the stage with the bright lights shining down on us. I wanted to drop down behind the stage and leave. No one would’ve missed me, except for Josie.

  Garbage cans are strategically placed every few feet, making the clean-up easy. I take a long pull of my beer and toss the empty bottle into the nearest can. I have no excuse not to get drunk tonight. I just had my last monumental high school occasion and my parents couldn’t be bothered to show up. To add to that my girlfriend is out with her family for what was deemed “Preston” only time. I think that’s what pisses me off the most, not being invited. I was just thinking about asking Mr. Preston if I can stay with them when I come home on breaks, but clearly this was a “you’re not welcome” memo.

  I find a cooler and pull out another beer. The cold liquid does nothing to ease my anger. I’m pissed about graduation and everything that happened after. Josie and I weren’t able to sit together because the seating was done in alphabetical order, but I could see Josie from where I was. When her name was called, I stood and whistled, clapping loudly for her. She did the same for me and just like that we were free. Four years of high school and it was over with the calling of your name.

  After all the pomp and circumstance was over, I found Josie outside with her family. Flashes of a fun-filled night sitting around a table with her parents, aunt, uncle and cousins ran through my mind. This was going to be the best night even if we’re doing the mundane family thing. We’d be together and that’s all that matters. Except that’s not what happened. Mr. Preston, while apologetic, informed me in a roundabout way that this was a family event.

  I walk around aimlessly. I could stop and talk but I don’t want to answer the questions asking where Josie is. We’ve never not attended a party together and I can only imagine what this looks like. Honestly, I don’t care right now. Why didn’t she speak up and invite me? It’s not like we’ve just started dating.

  “Hey Liam,” the voice startles me, coming from behind. I turn and see Candy sitting on her bench swing with one of her legs tucked underneath her. A cooler rests by her other foot with a beer in her hand. It’s crazy to think her parents are okay with this.

  “Candy,” I say, cordially. We aren’t friends, but we used to be back in middle school. We just grew up and went in different directions.

  “Wanna sit? It can get claustrophobic in there.” She nods toward her house. I turn and look as if I need confirmation.

  Against my better judgment I sit down next to her. She doesn’t move or adjust the way she’s sitting, so her knee is resting against my thigh. We sit without talking, and drink. I don’t know if it’s five or six beers that I share with her, but they’re starting to pile up in front of us. The buzz is working, it’s numbing my anger.

  “Where’s your ball and chain?”

  I chuckle, not at what Candy calls Josie, but the fact that Josie isn’t here. I shake my head and start to peel off the label on my bottle. “Don’t know, family shit.”

  “Aren’t you guys all but married now?”

  “Nah, that’s Mason and Katelyn.”

  Candy laughs. “Yeah I heard he proposed the other day. What’d she say?”

  “Same thing she’s been saying for a year, yes, but not yet.”

  “Do you think they’ll get married?”

  I look at Candy and see hopelessness. I see a girl who just wants to be loved, but went about it the wrong way. “Yeah, they’ll get married and have a shit ton of kids.”

  We grow silent again. It’s peaceful aside from the music and noise coming from the people in her pool. I watch Candy from the corner of my eye. Her leg swings back and forth, but she’s too tiny to move us. It’s me moving the swing, keeping us going. Candy fumbles with something from her pocket and I watch as she takes out a cigarette and lights it. She blows smoke into the night sky, closing her eyes while she does it.

  “Want some?”

  “No thanks,” I reply.

  She hands it to me anyway. The brown stick burns a sweet smelling fragrance into the air. I’m intrigued to try it, but know I shouldn’t.

  “Go on, it won’t hurt you,” she says, closer than she should be. I bring the cigarette to my lips and inhale. Immediately, I start coughing, but Candy doesn’t laugh. She takes it from me.

  “Like this,” she says, smiling. She shows me how to inhale and exhale properly. Honestly it makes me feel like a bit of a dweeb not knowing the basics. Candy leans forward, one of her hands rests on my shoulder and the other holds the cigarette to my lips. I know I should move away, but I’m enticed.

  I purse my lips and let the cigarette rest inside, inhaling until my lungs are burning. She pulls it away, but not before
I hear a gasp. I look up and see Josie standing a few feet away from us, shaking her head.

  “Josie,” I gasp, though another coughing fit, but it’s too late. She’s gone.

  Chapter 19

  Josie runs from Candy’s yard before I can really comprehend what’s going on. I stand, knocking Candy away from me. Her cigarette falls onto my shoe. I kick it off, frustrated that I allowed myself to get into this situation.

  “Well that was unlucky,” Candy says as she bends down to pick up her cigarette.

  “You have no idea,” I mutter. “I have to go,” I look at Candy. She half smiles and nods before looking down at her hands. I don’t know why I feel the need to tell her, but I do.

  “You know, Liam, I’ve known you for a long time and even though we haven’t been friends, I do care about you. It’s hard to believe, I know,” she chuckles, taking a deep breath and continues. “I made one mistake in high school and that was being with the wrong guy. My classmates gave me a reputation that I didn’t earn. It’s funny how everyone knows that you and Josie have sex, but she’s not labeled a whore. I’ve been with one guy and I am.”

  “What’s your point?”

  Candy shakes her head. “I guess I don’t have one. I don’t know. I just wish things were different.”

  I stand next to Candy and let her last few words soak in. She doesn’t know how much those words hit home for me. Every day I wish things were different and hate that I can’t change anything. It’s too late. My path has been laid out for me for years and my girl is right there behind me, pushing me along. Why? Because she doesn’t know any better. Because it’s what I told her I wanted and I can’t seem to find the words to tell her that I want something different. How do I know if I want something different or just want out of Beaumont?

  “I know what you mean. Listen I gotta go. We’ve never fought before and…“ I look at her and try to grin, but can’t.

  “See ya later, Liam Westbury.”

  I nod and walk down the same path Josie just took when she ran out of here. I stuff my hands deep into my pockets and walk past my truck. I’m in no shape to drive and I need to think about what I’m going to say to Josie to explain what she saw. Thoughts of breaking up creep into my mind. Was today a sign that she’s ready to end things? I don’t want to think about that, but the truth of the matter is it could happen. I’m leaving for school sooner than she’ll have to check into her dorm. I thought about asking her to go with me, but nixed the idea when I signed with the University of Texas using Katelyn as an excuse. I shouldn’t care about Katelyn’s feelings, but mine and Josie’s. Everything with us is changing and there’s no stopping it so maybe breaking up is the next step. I want to marry her though. At least I think I do. I see her in my future, by my side.

  What if she doesn’t see me in her future?

  I stop and bend over. My hands are clutching my head as I scream loudly into the night air. I hate having so much doubt in my life. I’m eighteen, everything should be simple. I should be happy and relieved that I’m done with high school, but I’m not. I want to start over. I want to go back and tell Sterling that football isn’t everything. I want to tell him that I want to have football and music… I place my hands on my knees and breathe in and out, trying to catch my breath. Music - I don’t know where that came from. I haven’t touched my guitar in months. Not since that fateful day in my room. I should’ve told Josie about what I was doing then maybe her reaction would’ve been better. But I kept the secret. Just like I’m keeping the secret that I don’t want to play football anymore.

  I will though because it’s what’s expected of me and God forbid I let anyone down.

  Josie’s house is dark and has never felt more unwelcoming than it does now. I stagger to her window, drunker then I’d hope to be by the time I arrived. My hands try to lift the windowpane, but it doesn’t budge. I try again with the same results. She’s locked me out. I rest my head against the cold glass and sigh. I could scream and yell, but right now I really just want to cry for what I’ve done to her tonight.

  “Josie,” I say loud enough for her to hear me. My knuckle taps on her window. The annoying ping grates my nerves. She’s never done this to me before. I haven’t either. “Josie please open the window.” Tap… tap… tap. “Josie, please.”

  “Go away, Liam.”

  I straighten and cup my hands trying to see in through her blinds. “Josie come on, let me explain.”

  I wait and listen for any movement, but hear nothing. She’s not coming to the window and that pisses me off. I knock a little harder on her window. “Josie, open up and talk to me.”

  “Go home, Liam.”

  “I don’t have a home, Josie. Come on babe, open your window before someone wakes up.” As upset as I am with Mr. Preston, I don’t want him waking up to hear us talking. “Baby, come on.”

  Her blinds spring up and facing me is one angry Josie with make-up running down her face. She’s been crying and I don’t blame her but she’s reading too much into what she saw earlier. If she’d just talk to me, she’d understand.

  Josie raises her window and leans out. I don’t move, holding my spot against the side of her house. “Go home, Liam. I don’t want you here.”

  “What?” I choke out.

  “Leave.” She points out toward the road. I follow her arm, shaking my head. I reach forward and try to touch her before she pulls back. “Don’t touch me.”

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” I’m angry and drunk, not a good combination. “Get out here and talk to me because if I leave, I’m not coming back. Is that what you want?”

  My words make her pause. She looks at me briefly before stepping back into her room. I hear her door open and close and can only assume she’s on her way out here. With my luck today she’s gone and gotten her father to come out and kick my ass. Maybe that’s what I need, my ass kicked.

  Josie comes around the corner, dressed in her stupid tiny shorts and one of my t-shirts. In this moment I don’t care that she’s mad, I want to drag her ass behind the tree and do things to her that will make her dig her nails into my back.

  She stomps toward me, her finger poking me in the chest. She continues to do this until we’re closer to the aforementioned tree and almost far enough from the house where her parents won’t hear us clearly.

  “You don’t get to come over here drunk and demanding shit from me Liam Westbury. I don’t know who the hell you think you are, but I’m done with whatever is going on in your head.”

  I put my hands back into my pocket and bite the inside of cheek. “You’re done, huh?”

  “I will be.”

  I nod. “I see and why’s that?”

  Josie crosses her arms, which does nothing for my resolve. “I saw you with Candy.”

  “You didn’t see shit, Josie. You saw us sitting on her fucking bench talking. That’s it.”

  “You were smoking.”

  I throw my hands up. “Oh man, you better call Sterling and tell him Beaumont’s golden boy was smoking. Better sound the sirens because Liam Westbury is going off the deep end here. I had my reasons for doing that tonight.”

  “Oh yeah, like what?” She challenges. I shake my head and step away from her, only for her to step back in front of me so I can see her.

  “Never mind. I’m going.”

  “Don’t you dare leave,” she cries, pulling on my arm. “You were cheating on me.”

  “The fuck I was,” I roar. “I’ve never even looked at another girl, unlike you and your touchy-feely bullshit with Ashford.” Josie drops her hands and steps back. I laugh to myself and groan. “You don’t think I see you in the hallway but I do. I see you touch his arm when you’re talking to him. I see the way you smile at him.”

  “He’s a friend,” she says, quietly.

  “Yeah well so is Candy, so there, we’re even.”

  “Is that what this was? Are you trying to get even with me because of Nick?”

  “No, Josie. I
’m trying to numb the fucking pain of not having anyone in my life that gives a shit. My parents didn’t even show up for my own fucking graduation, and when I thought I’d be with you, your father tells me I’m not welcome. So I did what I needed to do and if that means I went the Appleton’s to get drunk so be it, and I happened to smoke with Candy, so fucking what? After today, who really gives a God damn shit how I feel or what I do?” I realize I’m yelling and pointing at her and I don’t like that. We’ve never been down this path before and it’s not someplace I want to be with her. I put my hands back in my pockets and turn away from her.

  “I do,” she whispers, weakly. She reaches for me, but I shy away. I don’t want her to touch me out of pity and that’s exactly what she’s doing. Earlier, she should’ve pitied me, spoke up to her father, but she didn’t.

  “It doesn’t matter anymore, Josie.”

  “Of course it does.”

  I shake my head and wish I were back on that swing getting drunk with Candy because she didn’t care about anything. She just wanted someone to drink with.

  “I’ll see ya around.” Only after I say those words do I understand the magnitude behind them. I don’t wait for her response. I walk away. Nothing good is going to come from talking to her tonight or even tomorrow.

  Chapter 20

  There’s only been one other time in my life, well the life I’ve shared with Josie, that I’ve gone longer than two days without talking to her. Those days were unavoidable since I was with Sterling touring colleges. But at night, I’d sneak out and call her and just say hi so I could hear her voice. But as I lay here now, with my arms behind my head and staring at the ceiling she painted, I can’t bring myself to call her or even muster enough courage to get out of bed to go to her.

  I’m a dick, an ass, a piece of shit boyfriend. I’m whatever names I can conjure up in my head to describe the feelings I’m having about myself. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong about what happened the other night. I do know that I’m confused. I’m hurt and angry and I’m counting the days until my feet land on campus so I can put Beaumont behind me. Graduation wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and by the end of the night, everything was nothing but a fucking blur. Worst of all, my girl and I walked away from each other not speaking.