The Christmas Cradle

by Linda Warren

  Ellie ran back to Marisa and sat on her lap. Colter got the remote and clicked it on, then returned to his seat by Marisa.

  Soon images flashed on the screen and Marisa caught her breath. There was Colter, a younger Colter, the man she’d known, and he was holding a baby wrapped in a pink blanket.

  “I’d like to introduce Ellen Kincaid.” Colter’s voice came from the TV. “I named her after my mother, but I think I’ll call her Ellie. With that angel face, she looks like an Ellie to me.” The camera zoomed in on the precious little face. Ellie was asleep, and her features were perfect—bow mouth, pert nose and blond hair with a pink ribbon in it. Marisa’s arms ached to hold that baby. Instead she hugged the little girl in her arms.

  “There’s Tulley, Aunt Becky and Aunt Jen.” Ellie pointed out the people hovering around the newborn. “There’s Brodie and Tripp and a friend of Daddy’s.”

  It was Shannon Wells—the woman Colter had married, the woman who had taken her place. She wondered about that relationship, but she didn’t have time to speculate on it as she watched her child.

  She was mesmerized by the videos. Her baby grew right before her eyes; she heard the first gurgles. She saw her smile, roll over, rock on all fours and then crawl. Ellie pulled herself up on furniture and took tottering steps toward Colter. He was there to catch her when she fell, just like he’d been since the day she was born.

  Marisa didn’t even realize she was crying until Colter thrust a wad of tissues into her hands. She wiped at her eyes, unable to take them from the screen. Dada was Ellie’s first word and she said it over and over, trailing behind Colter. Every birthday, holiday and special occasion was there for Marisa to see, and her heart broke a little more at each one she’d missed.

  Tulley made sandwiches for lunch, and they continued to watch Ellie’s life. There were so many videos, but Marisa never grew tired of them. She needed to see them all, and Ellie was excited to show her everything.

  Marisa lost track of the time. She was enthralled with the wonderful gift she’d been given—the gift of her daughter’s life. They ate supper around the TV, and her eyes didn’t move from the screen as Ellie got ready for her first day of school. In the video Colter was trying to reassure her, but it was clear that Colter was the one who was nervous, not Ellie. Later she saw Ellie lose her first tooth and wake up to find money from the tooth fairy under her pillow. The last video was of this past Thanksgiving with the Kincaid family; she could clearly see that Ellie was the center of attention in a loving home.

  The screen went blank; the videos were over and Ellie was asleep in her arms.

  She looked at Colter. “What time is it?”

  “Almost midnight.” He stood. “Let me take Ellie. I’ll put her to bed.”

  “No.” Her arms tightened around the child. “Please, let me do it.”

  “Okay.” As he stepped back, Marisa rose to her feet with Ellie and carried her to her room. Colter pulled the covers back and she gently laid her down. Ellie still had her pajamas on.

  “Should we change her pajamas?” Marisa asked.

  “No, she’s fine.” He tucked her in.

  Ellie squirmed. “Daddy?”

  “Yes, angelface?”

  “Gotta…gotta give you kisses,” she mumbled.

  He bent down to kiss her, and Marisa wondered if Ellie would ever need her the way she needed her father. Anger threatened to overwhelm her—anger at her mother, her father, at what had been taken from her—but those were emotions that could destroy her. She wouldn’t let them. She had too much to be happy about and that was what she’d concentrate on.

  “Mommy,” Ellie whimpered, and hearing that one word made all the grief and rage disappear.

  “I’m right here, baby,” she answered, kissing her softly. She rearranged the covers around her, and Sooner jumped on the bed. “’Night,” she whispered as she and Colter left the room.

  In the hallway she asked Colter, “Do you mind if I stay the night? I’d like to be here when she wakes up.”

  “No,” he replied. “It’ll save me answering a million questions in the morning.”

  She wanted to hug or touch him, but she didn’t. “Thank you,” she said instead.

  “You can use Becky’s room. Take whatever clothes you need.”

  “Thank you,” she said again. “And thanks for explaining everything to Ellie.”

  He nodded and she could feel a tension building between them, an unbearable tension that neither knew how to end.

  He turned toward his room, then swung back. “Tulley said your friend Cari called. He told her you were watching videos of Ellie and she said not to disturb you. She asked if you were okay, so you might want to give her a call.”

  “I will, thanks.”

  “Good night.”

  “’Night,” she called as he walked down the hall.

  She hurried upstairs to Becky’s room and picked up the phone. It was twelve-fifteen, but since it was a Saturday, Cari was probably still awake.

  “Cari, it’s me,” Marisa said when she answered.

  “Marisa, are you okay? What’s going on?”

  She told her about Ellie and what they’d done that day.

  “Wow. So you’re spending the night?”

  “Yes, and I don’t want ever to leave my daughter.”

  “Maybe Colter will let you stay there for a while.”

  “I don’t know.” She hesitated. “He’s been very kind under the circumstances, but I can feel the distance he keeps between us. I’m not sure I want it any other way.”

  “Marisa, you’re kidding yourself,” Cari said. “You’ve been in love with him ever since I’ve known you. You can’t just turn off that kind of love.”

  She drew a jagged breath. “But that kind of love hurts, and I don’t want to experience it again. All I want is my daughter.”

  “Are you saying you’re going to try and get custody of Ellie?”

  “God, no. I’d never do that to Ellie or Colter. But I intend to be a part of her life.”

  “Well, Marisa, you may not have noticed, but they come as a package deal.”

  “Yes,” she mumbled, suddenly feeling tired. She had to ask Cari a question, though. “Where did you find the Santa with the white suit and beard who talked to Ellie?”

  There was a slight pause. “I didn’t hire anyone like that.”

  “Sure you did. He came to your office and spoke with Ellie.”

  “Oh, good. I’m glad he finally made it. I rushed all over the place and never could find the Santa who was scheduled that day. They said he was taking a break, and I told everyone to send him to my office, so I guess he got the message.”

  “Cari, this man was round, with red cheeks and his long hair and beard were white and obviously real.”

  “I didn’t hire anyone who looked remotely like that.”

  “Did you tell Santa about Ellie or me?”

  “No. I never had a chance to speak with him, but as I said, I left messages all over the place.”

  “That’s so weird,” Marisa mused. “He knew Ellie had taken a cab to Dalton’s and he also knew my name.”

  “Maybe it was Santa Claus,” Cari teased.

  “At this point I’d believe just about anything—the toy shop, flying reindeer, the works.”

  Cari laughed. “I’ll ask around to see if anyone’s seen this man.”

  “Please do. I’m very curious now, since he told Ellie she’d have a mother by Christmas.” She paused, then asked, “Do you know where Reed is?”

  “He checked into a hotel.” Cari gave her the number.

  “I’ll call him tomorrow.”

  “Marisa, are you okay?”

  “No, I’m not.” She didn’t lie. “I’m worried and scared, yet I feel a strength I’ve never felt before. I’m not sure about the future, but one thing I do know—I will not let go of my daughter again.”

  Another long pause. “Your father’s called several times.”

  �
�Please, Cari, I can’t talk about them. I’ll call you later. Bye.”

  Overpowering feelings returned in full force. “No,” she said aloud to stop the turmoil inside her. She wouldn’t think about them today—not today, when she had all these wonderful new memories of Ellie.

  She took a quick shower and found an oversize T-shirt to sleep in. The lonely bed wasn’t all that appealing. She was too far away from Ellie…and Colter. She grabbed a terry-cloth robe and went downstairs, intending to sleep with Ellie. That was the only way she’d get any rest tonight.

  As she walked down the hall, she noticed Colter’s light was on, and without thinking, went toward his room. He was sitting on the side of the bed, his face in his hands, his shoulders stooped, as if the weight of the world had crashed down upon him. In that moment, she realized how all of this had affected him. She had broken his heart once before and now she was doing it again by disrupting everything he’d built with Ellie. She wasn’t sure how to make any of this right—there probably wasn’t a way—but she had to talk to him.

  “Colter.”

  His head jerked up. “I thought you were in bed.”

  “I came down to sleep with Ellie.”

  “She has a twin bed,” he told her.

  “Doesn’t matter. I just need to be near her.” Her eyes held his. “You do understand that, don’t you?”

  “Yes, Marisa, I understand that.” His voice was cool, belying those words.

  She sat on the bed beside him. “Could we talk?”

  “Sure.” He moved a space away from her, which didn’t escape her notice.

  “I feel as if I should apologize, but I’m not sure for what. Maybe for being young, stupid and gullible.”

  “Do you regret what happened between us?”

  “No,” she admitted in a strangled voice. “I just regret what happened afterward.”

  “But that wasn’t your fault.”

  She linked her fingers. “It was. Don’t you see? I was looking for freedom…and excitement. I found all of that with you, and I never considered any consequences. And later when I discovered I was pregnant, I was too scared and weak to stand up to my mother. I let her make all the decisions for me, just like she always had.” There, she’d said the words that had tormented her during the long hours of the previous night.

  “You didn’t sign the adoption papers,” he reminded her. “That took strength.”

  “But look what happened. I kept thinking I heard Ellie crying, and yet I believed everything I was told. If I’d just—”

  “Marisa, you can’t live your life on ifs. It happened, and we can’t go back and change a thing. We have to move forward.”

  “I know, but I just feel so responsible, so helpless.”

  “Don’t you think I’ve been feeling the same way? I lay awake last night wondering how I could’ve let this happen. I was old enough—and experienced enough—to think about the consequences, but when I was with you all rational thought went right out of my head. Placing blame isn’t going to help either of us, though.”

  It wasn’t that she wanted to place blame. She just had to voice these feelings that were clamoring inside her—and she had to know how he really felt about her.

  “What comes next?” she asked. “For us, I mean.”

  “What do you expect me to tell you?”

  “The truth,” she said.

  “I don’t want to hurt you. You’ve been hurt enough.”

  His poignant words touched her, and for a moment she hesitated. Maybe she should let him keep his feelings to himself, but she couldn’t. They had to be honest with each other to get through this.

  “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself,” she told him with more confidence than she felt.

  He glanced at her. “You’ve changed in so many ways.”

  “Yes,” she agreed.

  “But I can’t help wondering if maybe everything worked out for the best.”

  Color drained from her face. “How can you say that?”

  “I don’t mean about Ellie,” he hastened to explain. “You and she will never get back those lost years. I’m talking about you and me.”

  “What about us?” she asked, suspecting she wouldn’t really like the answer.

  “I don’t think we were ever meant to be together.”

  To Marisa each word was like a blow.

  “Looking back, can you honestly see yourself traveling the country in a small trailer? The rodeo life was stressful for you. The animals frightened you, and you were uncomfortable with the crowds, the injuries, the day-to-day existence. Within a month, the gypsy lifestyle would’ve gotten to you and you would’ve gone back to New York, to your mother.”

  The truth of his words lay between them, and as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t deny what he’d said. “Maybe,” she had to admit. “I was so young, so out of touch with reality, but I…I really loved you.”

  “You were seventeen years old. You knew nothing about love. I was the first man you’d ever slept with.”

  “Does that diminish my feelings?”

  “No, of course not, but—”

  “I was unsure about a lot of things back then, but not of that. I loved you.”

  He swallowed. “I loved you more than I’ll ever love anyone again.”

  “So what happened to all that love?”

  He took a deep breath. “It’s like ashes after a fire. It’s too late to revive the flames.”

  She gripped her fingers until they were numb. “I probably would’ve made you a terrible wife anyway.” She’d meant to be lighthearted, but the words came out sounding hurt.

  “We’ll never know, will we?” was his only reply.

  “No,” she said, feeling an acute pain for losing more than seven years of her daughter’s life.

  “We’re two totally different people. In certain ways, you’re still that young girl whose life is so completely unlike mine.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Your life is the city, your career, your family. My life is here on this ranch, tending to my horses, looking after my daughter. My idea of a good time is saddling up and camping out under the stars. Your idea of a good time is going to New York—shopping, dining out and spending the evening at the opera.”

  She remembered telling him how much she loved the opera, and she did love New York. But that was so many years ago, a lifetime ago, and it wasn’t who she was today.

  “I’m not that same girl.” She tightened the belt of her robe. “I’m estranged from my family and I have a nine-to-five job. I can’t even remember the last time I went to the opera.”

  His eyes clung to hers. “Yes, you’ve changed—you’ve matured, but…” His voice trailed off, leaving them with visions of a life they were never going to share.

  “Did you love Shannon?” The words emerged before she could stop them. He and Shannon shared the same kind of life, the same interests, but their marriage had failed, and she was curious—very curious.

  He got up and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Not the way I loved you.”

  “Then why did you marry her?”

  For a second, she thought he wasn’t going to answer, then his words came.

  “After you left, I tried to lose your memory in a bottle. I took risks I shouldn’t have and got several cracked ribs and a broken collarbone. Tulley talked until he was blue in the face, but I wasn’t listening. I was set on a course of self-destruction. Shannon made me her own personal cause, and eventually I started to listen to her. I saw her differently than I had in all the years I’d known her. She was an attractive, caring woman. I knew she wanted us to have a future, but I couldn’t do that until I got you out of my system.”

  He sucked air into his lungs. “Neither one of us was prepared for the shock of finding out about Ellie. Shannon said it didn’t matter—that she wanted to try and be Ellie’s mother. Try was the operative word. Ellie was my baby and I wanted to do everything for her and, in truth, I never really gave Shannon much o
f a chance. I regret that, but after a few months we both knew the marriage was over. She returned to Wyoming, then filed for divorce. She continued to ride the circuit and I stayed in Texas to raise my daughter.”

  “I see,” she murmured, staring down at her white knuckles. So much heartache and pain, and a little girl caught in the middle.

  “I apologize for kissing you earlier. I was entirely out of line.”

  Her eyes flew to his.

  “As much as we might want to, we can’t rekindle feelings from the past. Those ashes have been scattered to hell and back, and there’s nothing left. Right now our concern is Ellie and her future, and that should be our total focus. She’s at the age where she needs her mother.”

  Tears stung her eyes. She willed herself not to cry. He was only echoing her feelings. Then why did his words hurt so much?

  “She’s out of school for the holidays, and it’s only seven days before Christmas, so why don’t you plan on spending that time with her.”

  Her pulse quickened. “You mean stay here?”

  “Yes. I think it’s what Ellie needs.”

  “I need it, too,” she said, getting to her feet. Still, she had the impression that it was the last thing Colter wanted. She wasn’t questioning his reasons, though.

  “You can use Becky’s room. She won’t be here for the holidays. In her off time, she’s helping our sister Jennifer, who’s having a difficult pregnancy.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate that, but I have a job with Madame Hélèna and I’ll have to check with her about my schedule.”

  His lips thinned. “When you can fit Ellie into your schedule, let me know.”

  He began to walk past her and she grabbed his arm. All the years of being manipulated and controlled came down to this moment, and strength born from the lessons learned surged through her.

  “How dare you!” she said fiercely. “Everything else has been taken away from me, but you’re not taking my pride. Madame Hélèna was gracious enough to give me a job when no one else would. Out of respect, I feel I owe her an explanation. On Monday I plan to tell her about Ellie and I’m hoping she’ll give me the time I need. If not, I’ll have to quit. My daughter comes first.”