The Christmas Cradle

by Linda Warren

  “No, it’s something, and I want to know what it is.”

  There was a moment of hesitation. “In all the time you’ve been here and all the times we’ve talked, not once have you mentioned the note.”

  She frowned. “What note?”

  “God.” His jaw clenched. “How could you write something like that and not even remember it?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He reached in his back pocket and took out his wallet. Flipping through it, he removed a piece of paper and handed it to her. She unfolded the worn sheet and quickly scanned the contents.

  “No.” She shook her head as each word pierced her. Her mother had done this, had left Colter this awful note. A cold shiver spread through her as all her bitter feelings toward Vanessa began to surface. But she knew, with everything in her, that her mother had done this because she loved her. Vanessa had wanted what she considered best for her daughter. She had done all the wrong things for the right reasons.

  She stared at the note, wishing her mother had known Colter the way she did, but those doors to the past had been irrevocably closed.

  Why had he kept this terrible note all these years? The answer came swiftly—because he thought she’d written it. And this was the reason he wouldn’t admit he felt anything for her. He couldn’t trust her feelings.

  “I didn’t write it,” she told him in a shaky voice. “Surely you know I never felt that way about you and never will.”

  “You…didn’t write it.”

  “No. I was crying so hard I couldn’t write a word. I planned to get in touch with you later—remember, I told you? I guess Mother decided to leave the note to ensure that you wouldn’t come after me.”

  For a moment his body went still, then he reached for the note, crushing it in his hand. “Another damn lie, another deception,” he said in anger.

  Marisa had to get away. So much pain, so much suffering, and it still wasn’t over. This last blow brought all her hopes and dreams crashing down around her. She couldn’t fight the inevitable anymore.

  “I was hoping that in time we could put the past behind us, but I can see that’s never going to happen. If you can believe I ever felt that way about you, then there’s no future for us.” She stood. It was too late. Nothing could help them now. She walked from the stall on heavy feet.

  He let her go.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Marisa.”

  She stopped. Had he called her name? No, she’d just imagined it. She told herself to keep walking. Tears stung her eyes and her stomach churned with a sick feeling, but her feet wouldn’t move.

  “Please don’t ever leave me again.”

  This time the voice was faint, but she heard it. His words were full of pain and entreaty and seemed to come from somewhere deep within him. Or was she hearing things? Still, she couldn’t walk away. Slowly she turned around. He stood, a solitary figure with his shoulders slightly hunched. Her heart contracted as she saw the tears glistening on his cheeks. She took a couple of steps toward him.

  “What are you saying?” she asked, her voice trembling.

  He gave a harsh laugh, a desolate sound that seem to echo between them. “I’m afraid,” he admitted. “Big, fearless Colter Kincaid is afraid. I’ve tamed wild horses, but I’m afraid of the emotions I feel for you. Help me, Marisa. Because everything I believed about you is lies. I don’t know what to think or feel anymore, but I’m certain of one thing. I’m tired of fighting you, I’m tired of fighting myself, but most of all, I’m tired of fighting all these emotions inside me.”

  “What emotions?” she asked, not daring to breathe.

  “I’ve tried to hate you, to forget about you, but I’ve never succeeded. Even when you came back and we learned the truth about Ellie’s birth, I still couldn’t accept you in my life. I told you our love was like ashes and could never be rekindled. That was just another lie to protect me from the way I knew I’d feel when you tired of that rodeo rider who’d fathered your child. When you left me for the second time.”

  She whimpered in protest, but he didn’t seem to hear as he continued. “So I tried to keep a distance between us because I knew I couldn’t survive you leaving me again.”

  She took a step closer to him. “I’ve never really left you.”

  “What?” His eyes centered on her face.

  “Eight years ago, my mother took me away, but you were always here—” she placed a hand over her breast “—in my heart, and you always will be. No one can take that from me—not even you.”

  “Marisa—”

  He blinked back tears, and she could see that the battle within him was raging, but this time, she was winning.

  “I need you,” he whispered.

  “I need you, too,” she whispered back, wanting to throw herself into his arms, but she couldn’t. He hadn’t said the words she wanted to hear, and she didn’t know if he ever would. “But needing isn’t loving,” she added. “And I need you to love and trust me. Without that we have nothing.”

  “I trust you with our child. Doesn’t that tell you how I feel?”

  “No, that only tells me how you feel about Ellie and me. I have to know how you feel about you and me.”

  He drew a ragged breath and placed a hand over his heart. “Even after all the times I’ve denied it, and all the times I’ve hurt you, this heart beats only with love for you.” They stared at each other for endless seconds, both absorbing the truth. Then, with a muffled exclamation, he reached for her, gathering her into his arms. “Can’t you feel how much I love you? My life has been so lonely and empty without you.”

  “I love you, too,” she said with a tremor in her voice. It seemed as if she’d waited forever to hear those words, and she gave a sigh of pure happiness. “Say it again.”

  “I love you,” he breathed against her face a moment before his lips covered hers, his arms molding her against the hardness of his body.

  Her lips softened voluntarily, her hands curling into his hair. At her submission, he deepened the kiss, his tongue probing, tasting the sweetness of her. The kiss went on and on. They didn’t seem to need to breathe. Their lips, tongues and hearts gave them the sustenance they needed.

  He rested his forehead against hers. “Now do you believe me?”

  Breathing heavily, she had trouble thinking above the hammering of her heart. But she knew with certainty that the wounds of the past had finally healed.

  “Yes,” she cried, her arms tight around his neck.

  “Marisa,” he groaned, gathering her closer. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. Even when I hated you, I loved you.”

  She touched his cheek gently and they swayed together like two drifting leaves in the wind. They stood for minutes just holding each other, both needing the comfort and reassurance that only touching could bring. Finally, Colter stared into her dark eyes, seeing all the love he would ever need.

  “God, I love you,” he murmured, kissing her deeply. “It feels so good to be able to say that.”

  “I know,” she said, realizing how hard it had been for him. Tilting her head, she looked at him with dreamy, love-filled eyes. “I wish you’d mentioned the note earlier.”

  “I was waiting for you to bring it up, and when you didn’t, I assumed you wanted to forget about it.”

  She tasted the tears on his face. “But you never forgot it. I’m so sorry for the pain that note caused you. In Mother’s eyes, you were wrong for me, and she stopped at nothing to keep us apart. I’ve had all this anger and bitterness inside me. I couldn’t understand how she could do that to me, how she could hurt me like that. But tonight with Ellie, for a brief moment, I got a glimpse into her motives. Everything she did, she did because she loved me. For my sanity, I have to believe that.”

  “You’re very forgiving” was all he said.

  She cradled his face in her hands, staring into his eyes. “When I was seventeen and I looked at you, I got this wonderful feeling inside. I’ve never
felt anything like it before or since. I felt it the day I met you again, although I didn’t want to admit it, and I feel it every time I look at you now. I can’t describe it, but I know it’s love and I know I’ll never feel it for any other man. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, more than anything in the world.”

  “Oh, Marisa.” He buried his face in the warmth of her neck.

  She understood that he’d opened his heart to her and allowed her to see his vulnerability, his uncertainty and fear. All his defenses were down, showing her just how much he trusted her. How much he loved her. That love flowed through her body.

  “I’m so happy.” Her fingers caressed his neck.

  Slowly, her lips replaced her fingers, her tongue gently stroking the pulsing nerve at the base of his throat. Urgently turning his head, his mouth captured hers with a mindless, burning need that left her limbs trembling, her senses spinning, and her body aching for the ecstasy that only he could give.

  Fighting for restraint, she drew back slightly, wanting to be sure. “Does this mean we’re going to be a family now?”

  He grabbed her hand and headed for the house.

  “Colter, where are we going?”

  “Shh.” He put a finger to his lips.

  She followed him to the house through the back door and to his study. “Colter?”

  “Shh,” he said again. “We don’t want to wake our daughter.”

  He closed the door, and Marisa stood transfixed, staring at an object in the corner. The Christmas Cradle was there, and for a moment she couldn’t believe her eyes. She blinked, but it was still there. She walked over and touched it lovingly. “Where did this come from?” she whispered.

  Colter was busy getting something out of a drawer and he swung to face her. “What? Oh, the cradle?”

  “Yes. Where did it come from?”

  He set something on the desk and came to her. “I bought it that day I met you in Dalton’s. I thought it was beautiful and would make a great gift for Jen. They delivered it to the office. I brought it home the other day and stored it in here.”

  “Do you know it’s called a Christmas Cradle?”

  He shook his head. “No. It just caught my eye. The saleslady wanted to explain, but I didn’t have time.”

  She pointed to the figures carved in the wood. “These depict The Twelve Days of Christmas and it’s all carved by a craftsman in Austin. His wife is from England and she sews the lovely bedding. See, the song starts here at the head of the cradle with a partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three French hens and so on. You can see the song depicted along the sides of the cradle and at the base. On the rockers are eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming.” She smiled mistily. Dalton’s orders one every year. The cradle takes a long time to carve and the craftsman only makes a few. See? It’s made from one block of wood and is unique in its design. I love just looking at it and I looked at it that very same day and—and…it was something I always had to do. Every year. I could almost see my baby in it. I could…”

  He slipped his arms around her waist from behind.

  “I was wondering that same day who would buy it.” She rested her head against his chest. “And you did. I would never have guessed. Jen will love it.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  She turned in his arms. “What do you mean?”

  “I’d never give that cradle to anyone but you. I can hear the love in your voice when you talk about it.”

  “No. You bought it for Jen.”

  “Not really,” he said. “I think I must’ve bought it for myself—call it fate or whatever. I don’t usually believe in those things, but subconsciously I must’ve sensed your interest in it. Becky told me Jen didn’t need it—she’s using Bart’s bassinet from when he was a baby. I bought it anyway.”

  “Oh, Colter.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He kissed her briefly and reached for something on the desk.

  Puzzled, she watched as he opened a small velvet box. Her heart skyrocketed as she stared at a diamond ring.

  “I was going to give this to you the day you left.” A wistfulness entered his voice. “Afterward, I planned to return it, but I never did. Later, I decided to keep it for Ellie. But now—” he looked deep into her eyes “—I think the woman I purchased it for should wear it.”

  “Oh, Colter, it’s beautiful!”

  He slid the ring onto her trembling finger, saying, “Marisa Preston, will you marry me?”

  “Yes, yes, yes.” She threw her arms around his neck.

  He kissed the side of her face and picked up a document on the desk, which he handed to her.

  It was Ellie’s birth certificate.

  Tears gathered in her eyes as she saw Ellie’s birth name. “You named her Marisa Ellen.”

  “Yes. I wanted her to have a small part of you. Later, I regretted that impulse and I never told Ellie. Tulley’s the only one who knows.”

  “I’m not sure what to say.”

  “Say you love me,” he said in a hoarse voice.

  Her eyes sparkled. “I love you, forever and always.”

  His arms tightened around her and he let his lips travel from her mouth, to her cheek, to her hair. “Oh God, Marisa, I love you so much it’s killing me. These last few days, every time you responded to me you seemed to hate yourself and me afterward.” She smoothed his dark hair and he breathed a kiss behind her ear. “When I saw you in Dalton’s, I was so angry. Then you came here to the ranch and the moment I saw you beside Ellie, I knew you weren’t out of my system.”

  “You were thrown from that horse and got hurt.” Her finger touched the quivering muscle in his jaw. “I don’t think I ever told you how sorry I was about that.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” he told her. “The first thing a rodeo rider learns is concentration, total concentration. Lose that for even a second and, well…you saw what happened.”

  His voice grew weaker and weaker as her lips touched his jaw. He turned his head, his mouth covering hers once again with a driving need. She reveled in the mastery of his kiss, her senses spinning, her body aching.

  “Marisa,” he groaned into her throat. “I want you so badly that I’m burning up with it.”

  “Me, too.” She left a trail of moist kisses from his jaw to his ear. His body quivered, and she slowly began to unbutton his shirt, then splayed her hands across his chest. She took his hand, then led him toward the hall.

  They ran up the stairs like two excited teenagers. As soon as the door closed, they were locked in each other’s arms. She clung to him, her blood raging like a river, sweeping her along with a passion her body remembered well.

  Within minutes, their clothes were a heap on the floor. Colter paused to slip off his boots and his jeans, his eyes lingering on the silken smoothness of her body. Her skin tingled at his dark gaze.

  “You’re more beautiful than ever,” he murmured, swinging her up into his arms and placing her on the bed. His fingers skimmed her heated flesh. “I’ve dreamed of this moment so many times, but the fantasy is nothing compared with the reality.”

  He pressed his lips to every inch of her skin. Tiny flames ignited in the pit of her stomach, but before the flames consumed her, she wanted to tell him.

  “Colter,” she managed to say between gasps of air.

  “Mmm?”

  He kissed one breast and then the other, and she forgot what was so important—but only for a second. “It’s…it’s been a long time.”

  “I know.” His tongue explored one rosy nipple, and all rational thought was fast leaving her.

  “No. I mean it’s really been a long time for me.” She spoke in a rush. “There…there hasn’t been anyone since you.”

  He raised his head, his eyes glazed. “My God, why not?”

  “After losing my baby, I lost interest in everything, including men. When I did start dating, I was careful not to let my emotions get involved. I
didn’t want to be hurt again.” She smiled tentatively. “I’m telling you this because in Vegas I neglected to tell you I was a virgin. I want everything to be right this time.”

  His eyes clouded for a second. “That means you’re not on the pill?”

  “No…”

  “I don’t have any condoms, and we should be adults about this. Responsible.”

  “We were the last time, and look what happened.”

  “I know, but…”

  She caressed his face. “I see this as a commitment to our life, our future.”

  “Then you wouldn’t mind another child?”

  “I’ve been given a beautiful cradle, so what do you think?”

  His sweet smile and loving kiss evoked a response deep within her. They made love to each other as they had years ago. Everything came just as naturally as it had before, but it was all so much better. Their responses were stronger, more ardent, because they knew all those secret little joys that brought each other pleasure. They gave of themselves without holding back. When the ecstasy came, it came with a fierce abandonment that left them both sated, content, wrapped in the arms of love.

  Later, his head lay possessively on her shoulder and her hand lazily stroked the muscles in his back.

  “Colter?”

  “Mmm?” His lips nuzzled the curve of her neck.

  “Merry Christmas.”

  He raised his head. “Ah, you’re the best Christmas gift I’ve ever been given.”

  She ran her fingers over the stubble that was beginning to show. “I’ve changed, haven’t I?”

  He rolled away, pushing up against the headboard, and pulled her into his arms. “The younger Marisa was insecure, afraid of a lot of things and dominated by her mother. I loved her anyway. The older Marisa’s independent, making it on her own and stronger than I ever thought she could be. When you learned about Ellie, I thought you’d fall apart, but you didn’t. And I loved you even more.”

  They shared a long deep kiss. “You gave up so much to raise our daughter,” she said. “You’re a very special father, Mr. Kincaid. I hope I can be as good a mother.”