The Space Between

by Michelle L. Teichman

  “Sorry.” She rushed toward her and pulled the door open wide. “Come in.” Sarah stepped over the threshold warily. Harper didn’t blame her after that greeting. “She’s just pissed because she broke up with Todd again today. Don’t worry about it.”

  Sarah bit her lip and began to undo the laces of her black Sorels. Her mother and father were in the next room, and she wanted to rush Sarah up the stairs. She hopped impatiently from one foot to the other. Why did Sarah’s boots have, like, a hundred laces on them?

  “Harper.” Her father’s deep voice boomed from the door of his study. “Who’s your friend?”

  It wasn’t like her father to take an interest in her. Bronte followed him out of the room and stood beside him. What the hell was going on? Her father’s stern expression made staying quiet not an option.

  “This is Sarah.”

  Her father ran a hand through his still thick, dark hair. “Isn’t it a little late to be having a friend over? Bronte says you have exams coming up after the holidays. Don’t you think you should be preparing for them?”

  Harper was grateful she already had their lie in place. “We’re studying for biology together. Sarah’s my lab partner.” Her father looked at Bronte, who shrugged.

  “Cal, I’m not finished talking to you.”

  Harper cringed at the ire in her mother’s voice. Her father turned back into the study, and Bronte huffed before tromping up the stairs.

  Harper assessed Sarah’s expression to see how much damage had been done by her family. Of course they chose that day to be around. She hadn’t seen either of her parents in over a week. Also, what the hell was up with Bronte? She never acted like that when Alexis or Melissa came over. Had she actually been trying to tell on her to their parents?

  “Maybe I should go.” Sarah stopped unlacing her boots.

  “No, come on. Let’s just go up to my room.”

  Upstairs, Harper leaned against the closed door of her bedroom and let out a sigh of relief.

  “So, is that normal?” Sarah asked, obviously uncomfortable. Without understanding the reason, Harper suddenly wanted to cry. Just the way Sarah asked the question intimated that she certainly didn’t think it was normal. She’d been to Sarah’s house before and seen her around her family, and yeah, they were a little over the top with the Christian stuff, but at least Harper could tell that they loved each other. Unfortunately, what her own family had just displayed was normal…for them.

  “Can we not talk about it?” Harper asked.

  “We don’t have to,” Sarah quickly agreed, and Harper was thankful for the kindness. “It feels weird, being back here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Sarah pointed to the bed. “This was where…you know.”

  Harper was confused for a moment before she realized the implication. “Oh, yeah.” She smiled. “This was where you told me I was the prettiest girl you’d ever seen.”

  Sarah’s eyes widened. “That’s not what I meant.”

  Harper laughed easily, the warm, comforting feeling of just being around Sarah beginning to wash over her body and relax her. “No? This is also where I first told you I liked you.”

  “I remember that.”

  “I meant it. Not the way you took it, but I meant it,” she said bravely.

  “I didn’t know how you meant it.”

  “I meant it in the way that I wanted to kiss you, but I was too afraid to.”

  Sarah blushed at her words.

  “And Sarah?”

  “Mmm-hmm?” the sound barely escaped her throat.

  “I want to kiss you now, too.”

  Sarah smiled, and suddenly Harper didn’t care that her family had humiliated her downstairs, or that a moment ago she’d felt like a total loser. Now, all she saw was Sarah, and she leaned forward and captured those dark lips. Sarah’s black lipstick always had a funny taste to it, but she didn’t care about that either. Underneath it, she found Sarah’s warmth, and it moved through her when their lips connected.

  Her stomach summersaulted when Sarah’s tongue pushed against her lips, and unlike when Tyler did it, she opened her mouth. Sarah’s tongue stroked hers gently, bringing all of the passion she felt into the movement. Harper wrapped her arms around Sarah, and pulled her closer. Sarah didn’t refuse her. She came as close as she could, and their mouths pushed together so hard, it would have been painful if it didn’t feel so good.

  That aching in her core had returned, and when Sarah slid her tongue deep into her mouth, wetness surged between her legs. It was almost too much for Harper. She wanted more of Sarah than her mouth could access. Slowly, she pushed her toward the bed. When the backs of Sarah’s legs hit, she used her hand to apply gentle pressure to Sarah’s shoulder, never breaking the kiss as she slowly eased Sarah down onto her bed. She didn’t waste any time climbing over her when Sarah slid back, giving them access to more of the mattress beneath them.

  Once Sarah’s head found her pillow, Harper crawled over her completely, and slowly allowed her weight to fall onto Sarah’s body. Harper wasn’t sure if it was Sarah’s moan or her own that she heard when their bodies came together, but nothing had ever felt so good. The need between her legs was agonizing, and she ground her hips into Sarah as she continued to kiss her, her tongue refusing to give up its exploration of Sarah’s mouth. Sarah’s hips moved against her, joining the rhythm of her own. This was what it felt like to want, to crave something so badly it hurt.

  “Harper,” Sarah whispered, gasping for breath. “What are you doing to me?” Sarah’s eyes were dark, and Harper drowned in the depths of her desire.

  Her answer was another smoldering kiss. Her mouth and heart and body were on fire as she melted into Sarah, taking all that she offered and wanting so much more. She lost herself in that kiss, in the taste of her mouth, in the feel of her body. She could go on kissing her forever and never tire of it.

  When Sarah’s hand landed on her side and began to travel up and down between her hips and ribs, she moaned at the contact, and Sarah swallowed it in her kiss. She put some of her weight onto her arm, and used her free hand to cup the back of Sarah’s neck, pulling her harder into the kiss. Sarah matched the pressure of her lips, and Harper allowed her hand to travel slowly down her neck to her shoulder, then down the length of her side until she squeezed the dip of her hip. Sarah groaned, and the sound reverberated between Harper’s legs.

  She knew she should stop her hand as it began to trace more of Sarah’s body, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t ebb the excitement as she let her hand travel down to Sarah’s thigh, then upward between her legs. Never had she felt like this while kissing before, and not having gone past shy touches over their clothing, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do next, only that the throbbing between her legs had become more adamant.

  Sarah broke their contact again. While she caught her breath, Harper planted long, soft kisses along the length of her jaw until she reached her neck. She sucked lightly, and Sarah’s breath hitched. She continued to kiss until the lobe of Sarah’s ear hit her lips, and she pulled it into her mouth.

  “Harper,” Sarah panted, sitting up abruptly. “Harper, please, we have to stop.”

  It took a moment for Harper to come back from where she’d been. Everything seemed to fade before it snapped into focus. She sat back and crossed her legs, moving a little away from Sarah, understanding that she needed some space. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I just…” Sarah used her hands to tuck strands of her blonde hair behind her ears. “I never knew anything could feel like that.”

  “Neither did I.”

  Sarah tilted her head, biting her lip, and Harper wanted so badly to kiss her again. “Does it not feel like that when you’re with Tyler?”

  “Sarah, no.” Harper shook her head vehemently. “It’s nothing like it is with you.”

  Sarah scrunched up her nose, and it was possibly the cutest thing she had ever seen. “Really?”

  Harper reached for
ward and took her hand. God, how could just holding someone’s hand feel so good? “I’ve never felt like this. Not with Tyler. Not with anybody.”

  Sarah’s eyes melted into warm puddles of blue.

  “I always wondered why Bronte and my friends were so crazy about the guys they were with. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Now I know that nothing was wrong. I was just waiting for you.”

  Sarah squeezed her hand. “I know exactly what you mean.”

  “I’m still dating your brother though,” Harper said.

  Sarah lowered her gaze. “I know.”

  “Sarah, I don’t want to.”

  “W-what do you mean?” The colour drained from her face.

  “I want to break things off with Tyler. I don’t want to be with him when I’m thinking about you.”

  “You can’t break up with him.”

  “Why not?”

  “What if people start to suspect something? What if Ty finds out? He wouldn’t understand why we were hanging out if you two broke up. What if he tells my parents?” She shook her head violently. “They’d kill me.”

  “They wouldn’t kill you.”

  Sarah pulled her hand back, crossing her arms around herself protectively. “It’s too risky. People can’t find out about this.”

  “We don’t even know what this is.”

  “Harper, we can’t. We just can’t. Why do we need to say anything if we don’t even know what this is?”

  Harper wanted to argue, but what could she say? What Sarah was saying made sense. As much as she was willing to explore the inexplicable feelings that she had for Sarah, she wasn’t exactly ready to walk through the halls holding her hand. She knew what some people said about girls who liked girls, but then, when had she really cared what people said? Because you’ve never had to. Bronte’s always made it so easy for you, but she wouldn’t if she knew.

  Bronte’s reaction to Sarah at the door told her all she needed to know about how her sister felt about her. If Bronte knew that it was Sarah, not her brother, who really stirred her desire, she would turn her back on her.

  Who would you be then? She pictured the reaction of her friends and a sickening, sinking hole opened up in her stomach. She’d lose everything. Her popularity. Her reputation. Bronte’s love. Maybe Sarah was right. Maybe keeping whatever this was a secret was for the best.

  “Okay,” Harper agreed, but she was ashamed of herself even as she said the word. She was a coward. Deep down, she knew what this was, and lying to herself or to Sarah about her feelings wasn’t going to quell them.

  “I…” Sarah began, then let her voice trail off before she cleared her throat. “I’m scared of this, Harper. I don’t know what it all means. I’m scared of how I feel about you.”

  Harper took her in her arms, pulling her in tight. “If this is too much, Sarah, if you need time, I’ll understand,” she said, even though the words hurt to say.

  Sarah’s body shook against her. If she prayed, she would have prayed then and there for God to give Sarah strength.

  “The only thing I’m more afraid of than how I feel about you, is not feeling this way anymore.”

  “It’s okay,” she whispered into her hair, and Sarah’s arms tightened around her neck. “We’ll figure it out together.” Her own voice shook, and tears stung her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” Sarah whispered. “I just need time.” She pulled Harper tighter, and Harper allowed herself to get lost in her warmth, willing the tears not to fall.

  She was taking advantage of Sarah’s kindness, and she couldn’t stay in her arms forever. She pulled back. The embrace had been comforting in so many ways, and she furtively hoped that it would not be the last one she’d know from Sarah.

  Harper swallowed and steadied her voice. “I won’t break up with him.” Sarah might be right. Maybe people wouldn’t understand. She wasn’t even sure that she understood the gravitational pull she felt toward Sarah.

  “I should get going.” Sarah turned and got off the bed, and Harper had a bad feeling that she didn’t want to meet her eyes.

  “Hey.” She touched her arm, forcing her to look back. “I’m going to miss you when I’m away.”

  Sarah’s features softened, but her expression looked pained. “I’m going to miss you too, Harper. That’s what I’m worried about.”

  “Why does that worry you?”

  “Because now that I’ve found this, found you, I’m worried that I won’t be able to go back to the way it was before. I’m worried that something is going to happen, and I won’t be able to let you go.”

  Harper pulled her back by her sleeve, and left one soft kiss on her mouth, whispering against it, “Then don’t.”

  CHAPTER 18

  For the first time in Sarah’s life, the holiday break was miserable. Usually, she delighted in being out of school, away from bullies, and at home with her parents. Christmas had always been a crafty time of year, but instead of coming up with projects to decorate the Sunday school classroom, Sarah obsessed over Harper. She missed seeing her in class. Missed the surreptitious glances and smiles that went along with their conversations. Missed the flirting. The only comfort in having Harper away was knowing that wherever she was, Tyler couldn’t be with her either.

  He had been acting like a first-class baby since she’d left on vacation, and she found herself rolling her eyes whenever he spoke of how the holidays were dragging. They both wanted class to start up again, and they both wanted it for the same reason. When she was around Tyler, what she had been doing with Harper didn’t feel as good. Tyler had developed real feelings for Harper too. She wasn’t just another girl he was trying to get with. One of them was going to be crushed by all of this. The right thing would be to stop what she was doing with Harper. She loved Tyler, and she didn’t want to betray her brother, but betraying her heart was even harder.

  Sarah had started this journey, and she couldn’t force herself to veer from the course. Wherever this thing with Harper was taking her, she plunged ahead, unable to deny herself the feelings that overtook her when she was around Harper. It was as if all the badness, all the ugliness of the world faded away in Harper’s company. Being in her presence reminded Sarah of that time of day when the sun was just starting to set in the west, and it bathed the world in a golden glow, making everything appear better, brighter, warmer.

  She had anticipated that she might miss Harper while she was away, but she could not have imagined the extent of it. Harper’s absence left a hole inside of her that hadn’t been there before, or maybe she’d just gotten used to it. Then Harper had entered her life and filled it with her light. With Harper away, the days seemed longer, colder.

  Unable to message Harper because she had no cell phone and no social media accounts, and her e-mail address was monitored by her parents, she wrote Harper a letter. After days of trying to get her feelings onto canvasses, she realized that it was the words she needed to expel from her soul, so she took out a pen and paper, and bled her heart onto the page.

  I know you won’t get this for a few days, but there are some things I want to tell you. First, it’s boring here without you. I never thought I’d miss school, but I do because you’re in it. I even miss biology. I don’t want to say too much in a letter, because I don’t know who might find it, but I need to tell you that I can’t stop thinking about you. I keep thinking I see you places. I even thought I saw you in church on Christmas, if you can imagine. I don’t know what’s happening between us, but the more time that goes by, the more I don’t want it to end. I know this isn’t something either of us was looking for. I know I wasn’t. I never expected to feel anything like this for anybody, especially…you know. But I wanted you to know that it means everything to me.

  Okay, I’m gonna go now. I can’t wait until you get back, and I really hope you haven’t changed your mind about me, because right now, I think that would kill me. When I’m with you, it’s like you become the whole world, and I’m just happy to
be in it with you. I don’t know what that means, and I know no one can ever know about this, but sometimes I wish we could tell the world. Is that crazy? It probably is. I know we can’t, but sometimes I wish we could.

  Anyway, get back soon so that I can stop writing you these lame letters and see you again. I hope you had fun with your family. See you soon.

  She carefully folded the note and used a red pencil crayon to leave a heart on the outside. She left no signature, not even her initials, but hoped that Harper would recognize who it was from. She hadn’t said enough for anyone to know who the note was to or from if anyone found it. She had wanted to write more, but daren’t. There were some things she just couldn’t put on paper, and others she couldn’t bring herself to admit inside her own heart, let alone out loud.

  * * *

  On their first day back at school, Sarah waited for Harper by their lockers. She hadn’t heard from her in two agonizing weeks. The school had sent out their new itineraries over the holidays, and she wouldn’t have homeroom with Harper anymore. When she failed to show at their lockers, Sarah went to Harper’s and stuffed the note between the slits of the painted blue metal. As soon as it fell inside, her heart dropped with it. What if Harper changed her mind while she was away? What if she realized what they were doing was wrong and crazy? What if she’d spent the entire holiday thinking about how much she missed Tyler, and not her? She would have given anything then to know the combination to Harper’s locker.

  She stepped up on her tiptoes, trying to see inside the slats. Maybe it hadn’t fallen all the way. Maybe she could still somehow grab it out.

  “Am I being robbed?”

  The sound of Harper’s voice made Sarah’s body go numb.

  “Harper,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “You’re back.”

  “I’m back.” Harper’s lazy smile was on her lips. She’d missed Harper even more than she thought. “How were your holidays?”

  Harper’s skin was glowing. She was the picture of health and perfection. How had she managed to become even a small part of Harper’s world?