by Ivory Quinn
“What do you think he would have done if you’d tried to fight him off?”
She frowned. “I don’t know.” She eventually said slowly. “The only time we ever had a row and I tried to push him off, he didn’t stop until I gave in and that’s when he was in a good mood. I honestly don’t know what he’d have done while his darkness was in charge.”
“So you were fired for something that he did, which you had no control over.” He clarified and she sighed.
“If you want to put it like that, yes. I wouldn’t have dared to try and stop him that night. He was in a dark, dark mood. It was the first time he hit me.”
“He hit you?” Cal’s eyebrows raised.
“Well sort of.” She blushed. “He made me ask for it first. It was that or something I really didn’t want to do.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
“Ashamed. Embarrassed. Frightened. Angry. Confused.” She shook her head. “He had this way of turning me on and then doing something I didn’t want so that the feelings were all mixed up and too hard to separate out. It was hard to refuse to do things when he forced me to ask for them in the first place.” Her shoulders slumped. “It sounds so much worse saying it out loud.”
“What do you mean?”
She knew he knew exactly what she meant, but he wanted her to work through it vocally. “At the time it was like he was just being wicked and playful. I genuinely didn’t realise how manipulative he was. I didn’t understand how he was tying me in knots. It’s not until you say it out loud to someone else that you realise how bad it was.” Her shoulders slumped. “It’s a hard feeling to explain. I imagine it’s a lot like being on drugs. When you’re high everything seems perfectly okay. It’s not until you come down that you realise all the crazy stupid stuff you’ve done.” She got up and paced around. “I mean...the first time he punished me I was lying there saying no and crying and he did it anyway. The next morning I somehow rationalised it away as being my fault because I let him do it.”
“Do you understand the difference between you and a submissive?” He asked gently and she rubbed the back of her neck.
“Sort of. A sub would have had some expectation of what was about to happen. They’d have understood a need for rules. A sub wants to be there...needs the pain or to be controlled to release something in them. I didn’t need it. I didn’t want it. I did it because I loved him.”
“That’s exactly the difference. A sub would have wanted to be there. A sub would have negotiated exact boundaries. You did it under a peculiar kind of duress.”
“That still doesn’t make it any easier to live with.” She felt the familiar nausea rising in her throat. “He made me come for him while he punished me. I can’t get my head around that. I feel like I was betrayed by my own body.”
“At the end of the day, you’re a biological organism.” He shrugged, watching her pace. “It’s simple really. You stimulate enough nerves and something’s going to blow. You can’t attach rational thought to it. Forced orgasm is a tool a lot of tops use.”
There was a knock on the door and Chloe came in with their tea. They both fell silent as she set out the cups and withdrew, and then Master Henway gestured to the chair again.
“I sense this topic is a little too intense for this morning. Let’s change the subject, shall we?”
“Sure.” She reluctantly sat down and picked up her mug, curling her hands around it for comfort.
“Tell me about your childhood.”
She shrugged. “It was just an ordinary childhood. Nothing special. We moved around a lot with my dad’s job, but I didn’t mind that so much. I was a good kid. I worked hard and didn’t get in trouble.”
“Did you move schools a lot?”
“Yeah.” She gave a rueful smile. “Always being the new kid sucks.”
“I can imagine.” He smiled back. “I guess there was a lot of pressure to try and fit in.”
“I tried at first, but after the fourth or fifth school I realised it wasn’t worth the effort.” She admitted. “What’s the point in trying to make nice and keep friends when you’re going to get yanked out of class and relocated after eight or nine months? It was easier just to get my head down and focus on the work.”
“That sounds lonely.”
“It was better than the alternative. Whoever said that it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all was talking utter bullshit.” Her smile was grim. “I stopped making friends. The heartache was too much to bear every time I left.”
“I have to say that neither option seems particularly happy.” He pointed out. “Loneliness or constant separations...they’re two sides of an unlucky coin. Were you ever bullied?”
“Yes.” Those memories were particularly painful. “Most of the time it was just small stuff, but there was one school I went to where they made my life a living hell.”
“And how did you deal with it?”
“I asked for help but it didn’t come. The teachers weren’t interested and my parents wrote to the school but the kids just got a telling off and they kept doing it. There was no punishment. In the end I just tried to rise above it and not let it get to me. I just ignored the stupid pranks and the name-calling until we got the call that we were moving again.”
“That must have been difficult. Kids can be very cruel.”
“It was.” She agreed. More difficult than she had ever cared to admit. She’d lost count of the number of times she’d hidden in the toilets or changing rooms, sobbing her heart out after some particularly cruel barb. It was no wonder she’d grown up to be so susceptible to Gabriel’s charm. She’d always been the outsider, the one that people made fun of. How could she not love this man who blazed his glory down on her? She was like the sunflower following the sun, turning its face to where the radiance was coming from. When you’re that starved of affection, you’ll take it wherever you can get it from.
“Did your parents give you any help other than writing to the school?” He interrupted her train of thought and she frowned.
“Not really. The thing with my parents was that they just wanted me to succeed. They were constantly on my back to study hard and work harder. They pored over my report cards like they were the oracle or something. I got grilled about every drop in grades.”
Again he seemed surprised. “Isn’t that a little harsh considering the constant school-switching?”
“As far as they were concerned, work is work. It doesn’t matter where you have to go and do it.”
“As an adult that’s an acceptable attitude, but don’t you think it was a little bit harsh for a child?” When she didn’t answer, he changed tack slightly. “After your parents died, did you feel like you still had to prove yourself? Is that why you put yourself through college and university?”
“I don’t know.” She answered honestly. “Maybe I just didn’t know how not to push myself. It’s all I’ve ever known.”
“Do you think that there was maybe an element of seeking approval in your relationship with Gabriel? He was a slightly older man and social caste has been an issue that has been raised a few times in these conversations. Do you think you looked up to him?”
“A little bit.” It grated on her to admit it. “At first it was because he seemed so glamorous and put together, but it didn’t take long before I came to respect his mind more than anything else about him. Whatever else he may have been, he was a fiercely intelligent man. There were times I felt his intellect dwarfed mine. You only had to listen to his song lyrics to know he was more well-read than the average man. I don’t suppose most people nowadays would even understand a reference to King Canute or the parting of the Red Sea, and they were basic stories we were read as kids.”
“He was a very intelligent man. You weren’t alone in respecting his mind.” Cal conceded, sipping his tea. “He was also a remarkably astute businessman and incredibly gifted musician. Probably one of the finest of our time. There is no shame in having looked up
to him.”
“But is that why I let him push me so far?” She asked, her stomach sinking and twisting into knots. “Was I so desperate to impress him, so desperate for his affection that I let him push me farther than I wanted to go?”
Cal gave her a gentle smile. “The only person that can really answer that is you.” He replied quietly. “Tell me why you think there is such a difference between what happened to you and what happened to Gabriel.”
“He didn’t have a choice about what happened to him.” She shrugged. “He was a child. I’m an adult. He warned me that he had issues and I still allowed him to do it.”
“Allow is an interesting word.” He shifted, letting his scrutiny fall square on her face. “Don’t you think that Gabriel could have told someone about what was happening? Don’t you think that at the age of fifteen he was old enough to leave school and go to the Police Station? Could he not have told a teacher? It could be argued that, in keeping it a secret, he was allowing it to continue. His refusal to open up is similar to your refusal to use your safe word.”
“He was a child!” She protested, blood rushing to her face as the bottom fell out of her stomach. “It’s different.”
“Given the way that he grew up, I’d say he was almost a man at fifteen.” Cal disagreed. “You should think about that. Anyway, I think we’ve talked enough for this morning. You have enough to be thinking about.” There was nothing she could say to that, so she nodded and finished her tea in silence while they waited for Blue to come and get her.
Chapter ten
The bronze giant appeared a short while later, smiling broadly. “Are you ready?” He asked Noelle and she nodded, feeling subdued after her conversation with Master Henway. Setting her cup aside, she thanked the older man and then followed Blue up to his room. “You seem quiet.” He commented, kicking the door closed behind them. “Heavy session?”
“Yeah.” She dropped her bag on the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. “I feel like everything I know about myself is a lie. He’s making me re-evaluate everything, right down to the way I was brought up.”
“If you want to know who you are, you have to understand where you came from.” Blue shrugged philosophically. “It’s not always an easy process. Come on, let’s get you in the bath and you can let it out.”
“I already had a shower this morning.” She said quietly, picking at a piece of lint on her sleeve.
“So? This isn’t about getting clean. It’s about ritual. It’s about being Noelle when you get into the bath and Red when you get out of it.”
“Oh.” That made a strange kind of sense. Obediently, she stripped and followed him through to the bathroom where the bath was already full with the same heady scent as before.
Sinking deep into the water, she closed her eyes and tried to process what had just happened. It hurt to look at her childhood in a less than rosy light, but it was almost entirely the precedent for Gabriel. She had been desperate to please, to fit in, to be liked. Her schools had made her that way. Hell, her parents had made her that way and, like Gabriel, they were dead so her anger at them was impotent. Worse, it made her feel guilty. They’d been dead for ten years. It seemed stupid to get angry at them now.
“Hey, let it go.” Blue slid into the water behind her. “You can think about it later. Right now I need your head in the game. Did you do your homework?”
“Some of it.” She let her head fall forward as he ran his hands over her shoulders, massaging some of the tension out of them. “I did all the reading up you asked me to, but I didn’t empty my underwear drawer.”
“Why not?”
“Because then I wouldn’t have had anything to wear today.” She pointed out. “I thought I’d do it after our shopping trip tomorrow.”
“If that’s the case, I’m going to have to come in and supervise.”
She gave him an unimpressed look over her shoulder. “I think I can manage emptying a drawer without supervision.”
“Maybe I just want to see how bad it is.” She didn’t have to turn around to know he was smiling.
“Whatever.” She changed the subject. “Anyway, this guy that’s coming in today, how bad is he? I read somewhere in all of that information last night that some people develop an addiction to the pain/pleasure response. Is he an addict?”
“Of sorts. He’s got it under control.”
“That sounds worrying.” She turned her head to look at him. “What do you mean it’s under control?”
“Some algolagniacs self-harm to get a high.” He explained. “Thomas needs to come here on a regular basis, but he doesn’t harm himself at home.”
“I can’t imagine what his world must be like.” Noelle shook her head. “It must be one of the most insidiously destructive conditions to have. You must lose all perspective on self-preservation.”
“Thomas is lucky in some ways.” Blue mused. “He lives in a city with a fairly active alternative lifestyle and he has the financial freedom to use it. Most algolagniacs aren’t so lucky. They have to rely on unhealthy relationships or self-harming. They have no control, no-one to set the boundaries for them.”
“I guess.” She still felt sad for him.
“He’s accepted who he is.” Blue sensed her mood and gave up on her shoulders, pulling her back into his chest and wrapping his arms and legs around her body. “Don’t feel bad for him, Red. He’s content in himself. It’s just the flip-side of the coin to your desires and someday you’ll accept what you are too.”
“What if I can’t?” She shuddered. “What if I never become comfortable with what I want to do?”
“You’ll find some way of living with it.” He rested his cheek against the top of her head. “You’ll never be another Gabriel. I won’t let you.”
“I hope not.” Feeling overwhelmed, she let silent tears roll fat and wet down her face.
“You really did have a difficult talk this morning, didn’t you?” He rocked her gently, sending the water rippling around them.
“It’s just...I took a long hard look at myself and realised I didn’t like what I saw.” Her tears mingled with the bathwater. “It’s not nice realising you’re a desperate creature that will do anything to please anyone. I feel weak and stupid and ashamed of myself. I hate who I am and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to change it.”
“You are.” He said confidently. “You survived, Red. You’re stronger than you think.” She just closed her eyes and let the tears continue to fall. They seeped out through her eyelids, a waterfall saturated with grief and doubt.
He let her cry for several minutes as he rocked her slowly in the water, but eventually he sighed. “You need to let it go for now, Red.” He exerted a gentle pressure around her body. “We can come back to it later, but we still have things to talk about before this session and I need you to open up.”
“Okay.” She took a few deep, shuddering breaths and pulled herself together. She could do this.
He gave her another minute or two to compose herself and then floated her into the water, turning her to face him. “You look like a panda.” He grinned. “Your mascara has all run.”
“Thanks for pointing that out.” She tried to force some cheer into her sarcasm. “You really know how to make a girl feel better.”
“Well yes, I do, but I don’t think I’ve got time to take you to bed right now.” He raised his hands, cascading water everywhere, and wiped the worst of the smudges away with his thumbs. “Maybe later.”
“Sex doesn’t fix everything.” She managed a genuine smile this time at his teasing and the water surged as he shrugged those massive shoulders.
“It breaks just as much as it fixes, but in this case it’s definitely a fix. You really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” He shook his head. “Even with panda eyes I’d still do you.”
“Well thanks for the resounding endorsement.” She snorted softly, rolling her eyes.
“You’re welcome.” He settled her comfortably in
his lap. “So...about these nightmares...what happens in them?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it.” Her smile faded away.
“You need to.” He replied firmly. “Thomas is the most extreme of my clients. Whatever it is, and I’m sure it’s not so bad, he’s probably the only one that’ll take it and get off on it. As long as it doesn’t involve permanent damage, you can get it out of your system.”
“I...” She shook her head. “I can’t, Blue.”
“Noelle can’t. Red can.” He lifted her chin so she was looking at him. “Let it go. Let your insecurities go. Right here, right now, you’re a badass bitch with domination on your mind. Get in the game.”
“I’m trying.” She flushed rosy under his direct gaze. “It’s just...I feel like a monster.”
“You need to own your monster.” He told her, something fierce beneath his words. “It’s part of you. Starving it only makes it more rabid. Feed it and it’ll settle down. Come on, Red. Tell me. I’m sure I’ve heard worse and probably done an awful lot worse.”
She faltered under his gaze. She’d trusted him to take away most of her fears already and whatever had happened yesterday had given her the first decent night’s sleep in months. Even if he did turn from her, nothing could take that away from her. “When Gabriel wanted to punish me, he...”
“Fucked you up the arse.” Blue filled in when she struggled to get the words out. “You told me yesterday.”
“I dream about doing it to him.” She admitted, staring down at the water between them. “In my nightmares, I walk into the playroom and he’s strapped down to the horse. He’s scared because he knows I’m angry and I’m going to hurt him. And while he’s watching me in the mirror, I put on...I put on...” the surface of the water trembled around her as she started shaking.
“A strap-on?” He guessed, and she nodded, swallowing thickly.
“A big black one. It’s scary as hell.” She shuddered. “I lube it up and then I just shove it into him.” She closed her eyes. “Oh my god...the noises he makes, Blue. Just...voiceless screaming. And I say such...awful ...things to him.” She cringed, waiting for some sort of disgust or revulsion, but instead she just started jiggling about. Risking a glance, she discovered he was shaking with silent laughter.