The Boyfriend Experiment

by Sean Ashcroft

  There wasn’t quite enough room on the table for two pizza boxes, so Gabriel was busy clearing the piles of papers off of it and onto even bigger piles on the floor, one-handed, as he held the pizza boxes in the other.

  Reid would have stepped in to help, but it was too mesmerizing to watch. Gabriel had one-handed clearing down to an art.

  He probably did a lot of it.

  “Uh, volume-wise? Yeah, pretty much. I’m a big guy. I use up a lot of calories just… existing, so…”

  Gabriel smiled wryly at that. “Well, I’m okay with being on the short side. It means I fit inside a space shuttle.”

  Gabriel finally managed to clear enough space on the table, setting the pizza boxes down and then flopping onto the couch.

  “Yeah?” Reid asked, following Gabriel and sitting down next to him.

  “Five-ten is the maximum standing height. We considered increasing it to an even six feet for this model, but the increase in cost meant it was more efficient to just leave tall people on Earth.”

  “Hey!” Reid objected. “You’d leave me behind?”

  Gabriel leaned forward to open the pizza boxes, taking a slice of the one with everything on it. “Not if I was leaving forever. If I was going on another shuttle trip, you wouldn’t fit. I’d be back.”

  “You’d take me with you if you were leaving forever?” Reid asked, his voice softer than he meant it to be. The thought of that made his throat catch, his heart clenching tight.

  “I don’t think I’d leave forever right now,” Gabriel said.

  Reid wasn’t sure whether he was relieved or disappointed.

  The idea of being that important to someone made every atom he had sing. He wanted to be the kind of person someone else wanted to spend the rest of their life with, even if there was no way of escaping him.

  He wanted to be loved that much.

  And while it was too soon with Gabriel, the possibility that it could happen one day was all he needed.

  It wouldn’t have been the worst thing, being stuck on a spaceship with Gabriel. There were no homophobes in space.

  Reid paused to consider that. There probably were, right now, but Gabriel wouldn’t get on a ship with them in the first place. Definitely not now that he’d had his first taste of it.

  “I’m not done with Earth yet,” Gabriel said. “I’ve barely experienced any of it, or any of… life, in general, at all. I want more. Leaving forever would feel too much like giving up.”

  “So for all your talk of generational ships…”

  “I’d build it. I wouldn’t volunteer to go. Not right now. Maybe when I’m eighty and I want to be really sure the launch goes okay.”

  Reid laughed at that.

  He wasn’t disappointed, not really.

  Space was cool and everything, and having a boyfriend who’d been there was awesome, but he liked this planet. For all its faults, it was home.

  Knowing that he’d be sharing it with Gabriel for the foreseeable future was a relief.

  “So you don’t hate everyone on the planet based on yesterday?” he asked.

  Gabriel sighed, sitting back. “I’m sorry, again, for running away. I just… that’s never happened to me before. I mean, I’ve had my fair share of bullying, but that was different. I don’t know why.”

  “Because they were attacking your feelings instead of, like, your shoes. Feelings are the most you thing you have. It cuts deep.”

  Gabriel raised an eyebrow.

  “I’ve had a lot of time to think about why it still hurts,” Reid said.

  “I understand the whole gay neighborhood thing, now,” Gabriel responded after a moment. “It’s not going to suddenly stop, is it? I mean, that’s just gonna… keep happening.”

  “We got unlucky. It doesn’t happen every single time I go out or anything, but I can’t lie to you. It never entirely stops. Or at least, I’ve never heard anyone say it does.”

  “Why would it?” Gabriel said. “It’s not like growing out of having a nose too big for your face.”

  “Your nose is the perfect size for your face,” Reid said, confused. All of Gabriel’s features were in proportion. If he shaved and maybe got a haircut, he would have been outright handsome.

  Reid liked him just the way he was, though.

  “It is now,” Gabriel responded, taking another slice of pizza. “Is there pineapple on this?”

  “You just ate an entire slice and you’re asking now?” Reid stared at him.

  Gabriel stuck his tongue out, taking a bite without bothering to check again. “I would’ve expected that to be gross, but it’s actually pretty good.”

  Reid grabbed his own slice of pizza, quickly realizing that if he didn’t get in fast, he’d have to fight Gabriel over it. At the rate he was eating, he could easily eat a whole pizza.

  Obviously, saying he couldn’t had been bullshit. That… was also very Gabriel-like, so Reid couldn’t really be mad about it.

  He just wanted Gabriel to be happy, and near him.

  “It’s okay if you’re not ready to be out,” Reid said.

  He hated that Gabriel had been scared back into the closet the moment he’d put a toe outside it. If he could do anything to fix that, he wouldn’t have hesitated.

  But what Gabriel probably needed was time. Time to build up a thicker skin, to get used to the idea that some people were going to be uncomfortable with his existence, and that a small fraction of them wouldn’t be afraid to say so.

  That was the price of being out.

  The price of not being out, though… Gabriel knew that. Reid was sure he understood the loneliness, the sense of living half a life.

  Some people chose that over the pain—sometimes literal—of being out. And that was okay, too.

  Reid wasn’t entirely sure how long he could handle being with someone who wasn’t ready to be out, but that didn’t mean pushing Gabriel was the right thing to do.

  No matter how much he wanted to be with someone he could hold hands with on the street sometimes.

  “I’m not,” Gabriel said. “And I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Reid chewed on his pizza.

  It was okay if Gabriel needed time.

  He’d be the worst boyfriend ever if he couldn’t give him that.

  “We started out hanging out together, just the two of us, and we can keep doing that. If you want?”

  Reid really, really hoped Gabriel was okay with that. He didn’t want to lose him entirely. That would have broken his heart.

  “I want,” Gabriel said between mouthfuls. “I wasn’t sure if you would, though.”

  “Hey, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to see you anymore,” Reid said. “You got anything on tomorrow?”

  Gabriel shook his head, licking grease off his fingers as he reached for the cheese pizza instead.

  That shouldn’t have been nearly as cute as it was.

  “Good. You won’t mind if I stay over, then.”

  Gabriel’s whole face lit up, a grin spreading across it. “I won’t mind at all,” he said.

  That was a start.

  It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “You look miserable,” Alice said, putting a muffin and a cup of coffee down at Gabriel’s elbow. “I thought this might cheer you up.”

  Gabriel smiled a small, wry smile, but accepted the cup of coffee eagerly.

  He couldn’t stop thinking about Reid, and about how he was sailing dangerously close to ruining his chances with him.

  But on the other hand, he couldn’t stop thinking about the fear he’d felt on Thursday night.

  Leaving the atmosphere hadn’t been half as scary as that, and Reid had stated outright that it was an incredibly mild version of what could have happened.

  How would he cope with it if it was ever worse?

  “Do people ever harass you?” Gabriel asked, looking up at her.

  Alice raised an eyebrow. “I’m a black woman in
a STEM field. What do you think?”

  Gabriel blushed, looking down at his muffin. “Right, dumb question,” he said.

  It didn’t really come as a surprise that Alice was tougher than he was. She had a lot more reason to be. He’d seen the way other men treated women they worked with, and he suddenly wished now that he’d been brave enough to speak up on their behalf more often.

  He was going to fix that. If he wanted the world to treat him better, he needed to give something back.

  Reid would have been proud of that kind of thinking.

  “I’m guessing you were asking for a reason, and not just because you’ve decided to become my knight in shining armor,” Alice said. “Don’t do that.”

  “I won’t,” Gabriel promised. “But… if you need someone male to get someone else male to back off… I’ll try. I can’t promise I won’t come back worse off than before, but…”

  “I appreciate the offer. So why are you asking?” Alice asked again, obviously not about to accept a change of subject.

  Gabriel sighed. He needed someone to tell the story to, and other than Reid, Alice was the only person he knew who might understand.

  “I… okay, so, I went on a date with the cute physical therapist, and that was great and everything, right up until… look, a group of teenage boys laughed at us and I panicked. I know that’s ridiculous.”

  “It’s not ridiculous,” Alice said immediately.

  Gabriel blinked at her. It wasn’t?

  “It’s not?”

  “Dude, why do you think the concept of being in the closet even exists?” she asked. “Shit gets intense when you leave it. Anything from weird looks or the feeling that maybe people aren’t giving you opportunities to being yelled at in the street. Or worse. I’m not trying to scare you, but your fear is justified. What did your date say?”

  Reid had said basically that, though not in as many words.

  The difference was that Reid was invested in getting to be with Gabriel, and Alice wasn’t.

  Gabriel didn’t think for a second that Reid had played it down to convince him it wasn’t that bad—he was fairly sure Reid had just gotten used to it, accepted it as part of his everyday life.

  The thought of that made Gabriel’s stomach clench. It wasn’t normal. The fact that he’d freaked out proved that.

  Reid shouldn’t have had to be that jaded. It hurt to think he was.

  It hurt to think Alice had enough experience to know this, too.

  “Do you think you’ve lost opportunities?” Gabriel asked.

  That had been his original fear. The first thing that had come to his mind after he got over the excitement of finally feeling at peace with himself had been that it’d close a lot of doors.

  “Yeah, I do,” Alice said, her tone firm. Like she was stating a fact.

  Gabriel had no reason to doubt her.

  “But you’re asking the wrong question. The question is: did I really want those opportunities if they’d knock me back because of who I fundamentally am? I lose opportunities for being a woman or for being black all the time. Hell, I think I was passed over for a job once because I was from California. And if that’s enough to disqualify me? I don’t want it, anyway. I’m not huge on the whole working with assholes thing.”

  She was right. Gabriel knew, in the pit of his stomach, that she was right. That he was only afraid of this because he’d never really had to face it before.

  The fear was still there, though.

  This was why he’d never come out earlier. Barely allowed himself to think that maybe he was attracted to men.

  Because he knew what it would cost him.

  And he wasn’t sure he was ready to wear that cost.

  “What if I’m not willing to find out who’s an asshole and who’s not?” Gabriel asked.

  Alice shrugged. “Totally an option. If staying in the closet is better and easier for you, that’s okay. Nobody has to come out. But I think you know that it’s hard to stay in, too. You miss out on a lot.”

  Gabriel did know.

  If he wasn’t willing to come out, he’d miss out on Reid.

  The thought made him feel sick.

  “Yeah, that’s… that’s kind of what I’m realizing,” Gabriel said.

  “If your new boyfriend is pressuring you to be out, that’s not right,” Alice said. “He shouldn’t do that.”

  Gabriel shook his head. “He’s not. We talked about it, but… he deserves better than a coward.”

  “You’re not a coward. Don’t think that. This is scary stuff, and neither option is perfect. You have to decide what will make you happiest.”

  Gabriel snorted. “Simple as that, huh?”

  “I never said it was easy.” Alice shrugged. “But it is that simple. Being out or not is about you, and no one else. You have to come to it on your own terms.”

  “You’re very good at this,” Gabriel said.

  Alice smiled at him. “We’ve gotta stick together, right?”

  “Right,” Gabriel agreed.

  It was good to have a friend who understood his problem and could offer solid advice. He’d have to think of something nice to do for her, to show he appreciated the help.

  He just wished he knew what the hell to do about everything else.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “How’s the wine?” Reid asked, flipping bacon over in the frying pan he had going. If he and Gabriel were going to hang out together regularly, some of their meals needed to be home-cooked.

  That didn’t mean he was giving up bacon, though. No pasta dish was complete without it.

  It killed him to go light on the garlic, but he did want to kiss Gabriel later. Sacrifices had to be made.

  “My knowledge of wine hasn’t improved since last time,” Gabriel said. “But it’s very drinkable.”

  Reid chuckled. “That's the important thing. I figure we can learn wines together.”

  “House training me already?” Gabriel asked. “I knew seeing my apartment would freak you out.”

  “I’m not freaking out,” Reid argued. “I just want to share nice things with you.”

  “Ooh, careful,” Gabriel said. “This is starting to sound borderline romantic.”

  Reid raised an eyebrow, removing the bacon from the pan and turning the heat low before dumping the pasta he’d drained a moment ago into it, adding his garlic, herb, and olive oil mixture to the whole thing.

  “I’m making dinner right in front of you while you sip wine and tell me about your day, and that’s only borderline romantic?” he asked. “I don’t know how to get any more romantic than this.”

  Gabriel laughed, twirling his wine glass by the stem. “I’ll accept that this is a little romantic. I’m enjoying it, anyway.”

  “Good,” Reid said, hissing as he crumbled the still-hot bacon and tossed it into the pan with the pasta, turning the noodles to coat them.

  Cooking for himself was boring and always felt like a chore, but cooking for someone else—someone he really liked—made it a lot more fun. Reid didn’t hate cooking, exactly, but it was nice to have someone else to share with.

  Gabriel, specifically. It was nice to share with Gabriel.

  “So how was your day?” Gabriel asked as Reid slid one of the plates over to him.

  He’d thought about moving them both to the dining table, but eating at the counter was nice. Comfortable.

  It felt like something they could do all the time. Like maybe they could just have this, sink into it like a warm bath.

  He could practically reach out and touch it. Reid couldn’t remember feeling quite this way about anyone before.

  Terrifying as it was, it was also kinda nice. Feeling connected to someone like this made him feel warm all over, excited whenever he got a chance to be around Gabriel.

  He was happy. Genuinely happy, in a way he hadn’t been in a long time.

  Gabriel felt like a missing piece in his life.

  “Well…”

  Reid h
esitated.

  He wanted to tell Gabriel his good news, but he was worried that he’d take it the wrong way.

  “Don’t leave me in suspense,” Gabriel said around his first mouthful of pasta. “This is good.”

  “Thanks,” Reid said. “I, uh… turns out I won an award? For, uh, social impact.” He scratched the back of his neck, waiting for a reaction.

  Gabriel looked up at him, his fork halfway to his mouth. “You’re saying a positive thing in a tone that makes me think you’re conflicted about it,” he said.

  That was exactly what Reid was doing, because it was exactly how he felt.

  Firstly, he wasn’t sure he deserved it. Secondly, he wasn’t sure how to approach the subject of the award dinner with Gabriel.

  He hated the idea of going alone and he’d always taken a date in previous years, and before now he’d only ever been going as a guest.

  Gabriel was the only date he would have felt comfortable taking, but…

  “There’s a whole… thing. A night. A dinner… thing. Suits and ties,” he rambled, hoping Gabriel would figure it out and drop the subject.

  “Oh,” Gabriel said, twirling pasta around his fork. “The kind of thing where you bring a plus-one.”

  “Yeah,” Reid admitted, looking down at the countertop, wiping at an imaginary spot on it. “It’s really no big deal, I didn’t want you to feel…”

  “Like I was leaving you alone again,” Gabriel finished for him.

  That wasn’t the way Reid would have phrased it, but now that Gabriel had put it that way, he couldn’t think how to correct him.

  It was selfish to want Gabriel to just make a decision and come with him, and he knew that, and that was why he didn’t really want to talk about it.

  Reid just wished Gabriel wanted to come. Even if he understood why he didn’t. Even if it was unfair.

  The whole thing was making him feel like an asshole. An award he didn’t deserve and a boyfriend he couldn’t accept for who he was, despite the fact that there wasn’t anything wrong with him at all.

  It made his stomach hurt.

  “That’s not what I was going to say,” Reid responded, not wanting Gabriel to feel like he was disappointed.