Bent

by HB Heinzer

  "I have to do this. You have no clue how many doors an opportunity like this can open for me," Julia said. The words were right but she couldn't muster the energy to put any emotion behind them. She didn't want to leave. She was only leaving because things would never be different. "I got the email from Krista right before I came up here. I'm damned lucky she's still willing to talk to me. And with Carly looking for a roommate, it's like all signs are pointing to this being the right thing for me to do."

  Julia asked Annie for a ride to the airport because she thought her best friend would understand why she was leaving. Micah had once again become an addiction to Julia and she needed to detox. No matter how many times they tried to explain their attraction as fate, she knew it wasn't anything that healthy. Instead of understanding, Annie was cold and angry on the way to the airport.

  "That's bullshit and you know it. I told you when you first got back to town that they'd been through a lot," she bristled, refusing to look at Julia. "I told you to be careful. Is this how you're careful? You're going to bail on them right after they started to let you in? Everything Micah has been doing has been for your benefit. He really thought you guys might have a second chance."

  There were always lines drawn in the sand when a relationship had problems. It was rare that a mutual friend could stand on that line very long before their allegiance to one side or the other became clear. It hurt more than a little that Julia could feel Annie walking away from her to stand on Micah's side of the line.

  Was there any way to make anyone understand? Did everyone think Julia should throw herself at the opportunity to be a mom and wife? Even if things weren't as complicated as they were with Micah, that's not a life she'd ever fully embraced.

  "It's not that simple and you know it," Julia spat. She was tired of listening to everyone in her life going on and on about how fragile Micah was and Annie was the unfortunate captive audience at the moment. "Do you have any clue how hard it is for me? I hate myself for falling for him again. It would be easier if I could have hated him forever, but I couldn't, even when I had the truth laid out for me. I didn't ask for him to have an amazing son. I didn't ask for him to have turned into this wonderful, considerate person."

  "And then, when I start to believe the fairy tales, I get pulled into a dark bathroom and warned to stay away from him," she rubbed her cheek, remembering the pain she felt that night. "And just for good measure, his ex decides to break into my house, looking for evidence of our affair," she created air quotes around the last word before continuing, "because she's certain I'm taking over a position in life she thinks she has some claim to."

  The dam in her heart was officially broken. If Annie wanted to be upset with her, she was going to do so knowing how Julia really felt. "Thanks to his crazy bitch ex, I went from living alone to living with someone I'd planned to hate for the rest of my life and his son in less than two weeks after coming home. He welcomed me to parenthood, Annie. Parenthood," she stressed each word of the statement.

  Julia had tried for almost two weeks to forget those words. She knew he didn't mean them in the literal sense but there was some truth in them. If she stayed with Micah, she would assume a parental role in Caleb's life. She wasn't sure she ever wanted to be a parent.

  "I'm not a parent. I don't want to be a parent right now," she admitted. "I'm sure as hell not ready to be the parent of a teenager." Julia was getting to the roots of her issues, "And if I do stay, will Karen ever leave me alone? Let's say for a minute that I do stick around and open my heart to Caleb, then what? You think she's going to be okay with that? Micah said she's in rehab and has made noises about wanting to see Caleb. She's obviously not planning to run away again... at least not right now."

  Annie shook her head in disgust, "So that means you're going to be the one running? That's really a crap thing to do, you know that? What happened to all that talk about being honest with one another? Have you talked to him about any of this? Does he know how you feel or did you just tell him you were leaving and that was it?"

  Mercifully, the airport came into view at that moment and Julia knew she'd soon be safely on the other side of the security gates. "Annie, don't get pissed about this. Not now. For all we know, I might get out there and decide it's not the right job for me. But I have to do this. I have to find out."

  Standing on the curb, Annie grabbed Julia for a quick hug, "I still think this is ridiculous, but I do love you. Be safe, call me when you get there." Tears welled up in Annie's eyes as if she secretly feared this was the start of another decade separated from her friend. "And please, promise me you'll think about this... if you run, she wins. You said you weren't going to let Karen's existence ruin your life, so don't. Don't give her the satisfaction of running you out of town."

  Her friend's words hung with Julia through the entire flight. How did everything get to be such a mess? She closed her eyes and tried to shut down her thoughts.

  Julia felt numb as she walked down 7th Avenue towards Times Square. It was one place she'd always wanted to visit, so she made it her first adventure in what she was certain was the world's loudest city. She felt like a salmon swimming upstream as she was jostled by the waves of tourists walking towards her. Just as she felt herself starting to unravel from the mix of emotions combined with anxiety caused by so much stimulation, Duffy Square came into view. The brilliant red staircase invited Julia to escape the frenzy below. From a perch directly above the TKTS Booth, she could watch the activity without worrying that she was going to be sucked into its current.

  For the first time since she boarded the plane, Julia turned on her cell phone. As soon as she saw that she had nine new messages, she knew that sitting in Duffy Square wasn't going to be nearly as relaxing as she had hoped.

  "Jules, I just got home and you're not here. Guess I'll see you when you get back."

  The next message was a bit more urgent sounding, "Where are you? Caleb said Annie picked him up from school today and brought him home. What's going on?"

  By the fourth message, tears were forming in Julia's pale eyes. She hated hearing the pain in his voice. "Baby, you need to call me. I don't know what's going on and Annie won't tell me. She said to call you. Where are you? Did I do something? Please, talk to me."

  Julia didn't put the phone to her ear as she deleted Micah's message and went on to the next. It came in one minute after Micah's message. She had a good idea of who the next message was from and she was certain it wasn't going to be pleasant. "You didn't tell him? What in the hell were you thinking?" Annie was nearly screaming into the phone. Julia didn't blame her and forced herself to listen to the rest of the message even though she wanted to delete it so she didn't have to face the tongue lashing she had coming. "This is a bunch of crap, you know that? I think you were selfish to leave. But to leave without telling Micah, that's just cold and heartless. I didn't tell him where you are, but if you don't call him, I will tell him. I don't want to see either one of you get hurt but you seem hell bent on making sure that both of you are crushed when this is done. You're an idiot. I love you."

  A half-hearted chuckle came out of Julia's mouth at her friend's parting words. Annie was brutally honest. There was no doubting every word of her message was sincere, the good and the bad.

  She missed the warmth of home. She missed knowing that people cared. And right about now, she couldn't figure out why anyone should care about her. She was hurting people. She was being selfish. She was running from her problems.

  Rather than run the risk of her phone ringing while she was trying to forget everything about Wisconsin, Julia turned off the phone and shoved it in the bottom of her frayed canvas messenger bag. Without any destination in mind, she descended the ruby staircase in search of something to eat. She needed some time to think about what she was going to say to Micah when she called him and she wanted to wait until she was back in the safety of her hotel room before facing what was certain to be the hardest conversation she'd had in years.

&
nbsp; Although she usually lived by the rule of never drinking alone, Julia found herself standing at the cash register in at a small liquor store with a bottle of tequila in hand. She was tempted to pull back the paper bag and drink it straight from the bottle as she walked back to the hotel. It was more concerns for her own safety than consideration for what is proper that kept her from cracking the lid on the bottle.

  She stared at the phone for several minutes after drinking a generous shot of tequila. Twice, she started to manually enter Micah's number before hitting the end button. Two shots later, she delayed again, this time in favor of finding something to eat. The bottle felt like her only friend. She knew it wouldn't be for long without something in her stomach to absorb the alcohol. A gyro from Halal Guys was certain to punish her later but it was worth every delicious bite as she ate.

  Just as Julia reached for her phone, finally having the liquid courage to enter all ten digits and hit send, the melody to Hard to Love by Lee Brice announced that she wouldn't have to make the call. Micah was calling her.

  "Hello?" she said weakly.

  "Jules, what the hell is going on?" Micah's voice cracked under a flurry of conflicting emotions. "Where are you?"

  She drew a long breath and poured a fifth shot. After tossing it back and coughing from the burn, she responded, "Um, I... I had a job interview. Well, I have one in the morning." It wasn't a lie, she was meeting with Krista first thing in the morning about a job. She was grasping for the words that would ease his mind until she knew what she wanted to do.

  "A job interview?" he scoffed, "You have a job interview tomorrow, but you're gone now. You didn't think to tell me about this job interview? I'm going to ask you again, what in the hell is going on?"

  Julia flinched at the sharpness in his tone. "I have--"

  He cut her off before she could finish, "Remember Julia, you are the one who said we had to be honest with one another if things were going to work out this time. So you might want to think before you speak."

  Julia had been trying to find a way to avoid telling him the truth. She wasn't ready to face the truth. She wasn't sure she knew what her truth was yet. If there was any part of her that wanted to go back to Wisconsin, she couldn't lie to Micah.

  "I needed some time to think," she whispered, "I don't want to talk about it right now, but I need time to think. When I'm there, things are too fast, too intense."

  Micah let out a loud sigh and Julia could imagine him running his fingers through his dark brown hair. "You scared the shit out of me, you know that? So, where are you?"

  Hearing the relief in his voice, she hesitated to answer this question. There were plenty of reasons he would be angry when he found out and not one reason she could think of that would make him happy. "Um... Midtown." She wrinkled her nose as she spoke.

  "Midtown? Midtown where?" he asked as if he knew but didn't want to admit it.

  She bit her lower lip, again not wanting to speak. "Manhattan."

  "What the--" he yelled. "You ran off to New York and didn't bother to tell me? Does this mean you're moving to New York? When did you plan on telling me?" He was furious.

  Shot number six didn't hurt nearly as much as the previous ones did. "Yes, I came to New York. No, I didn't tell you, only because this is something I need to do for me. I don't know what it means yet. And I would have talked to you, but again, this is something I'm doing for me." She stressed the last word, wanting him to understand that no matter what she was feeling, she couldn't make her decisions based on anyone else. She'd been doing that for thirty years and it hadn't worked out so well.

  "What happened?" he asked. His voice was strained. Her chest filled with pain knowing that she'd hurt him.

  This wasn't a conversation to have over the phone. She wasn't ready to be having it at all. If she stayed on the line with Micah, she knew she would cave. It would be easy to tell him it would all be okay and jump on a plane but she knew that wasn't what she needed to do.

  "Micah, I need this. I don't expect you to understand, but I've spent the past ten years following someone else around the country, living his dreams. I need to pay attention to my dreams for once." Shot number seven left her feeling light-headed almost immediately. "I love you. No matter what I decide to do, you have to know that..." her voice trailed off.

  The breathing coming through the phone was short and shallow. When Julia closed her eyes, she saw flashes of the agony on Micah's face the night he'd broken up with her in his car. This time, their shared hurt was her doing.

  It seemed like minutes passed with no words, "Julia, please don't do this." She couldn't be certain, but it sounded like Micah was crying. She hated herself for letting him into her life. If she'd stayed cold she wouldn't be hurting him.

  "I haven't made a decision yet," she said, hoping her words would stave his emotions. "Please, let me do this and we will talk when I get home."

  After another uncomfortable pause, Micah spoke. "I don't like the way this feels. Baby, I just got you back. I'm not ready to lose you again."

  "I didn't say you were going to lose me. I have to go..." Julia prayed that he'd just let her get off the phone before she had a meltdown.

  "Okay..." he whispered, "I love you." Without waiting for a response, Micah ended their call.

  The plush accommodations of Julia's hotel should have been a sanctuary from the storm. Instead, Julia felt like the walls were closing in on her. Against her better judgment, she sent Carly a text message:

  Hey, I'm in town. Ave of Americas. Go out?

  Within a minute, there was a response.

  I heard. Be there in 20.

  Knowing that Carly was up to speed on what was going on made Julia wish she hadn't sent the text message. Her only hope was that the one person she knew in New York that knew about Wisconsin wasn't fully committed to Team Micah. Julia needed someone in her corner for this fight.

  Julia rifled through the armoire for something suitable for wherever they might wind up. She decided on a pair of almost black skinny jeans, a eggplant silk tank top that showed off her sculpted shoulders and a pair of playful orange ALDO stilettos that gave her an extra four inches of height. She contemplated changing into a pair of ballet flats, knowing that she was dangerously close to completely drunk already, but decided to go with her original choice.

  Exactly twenty minutes and two large glasses of water later, Julia was standing in front of the Hilton when she saw Carly walking down the street. Even dressed in the best outfit she could find from the clothes she'd packed, Julia felt under-dressed. Carly was gorgeous in a simple black dress that barely reached the middle of her thighs and severe metallic heels. Her blond hair was streaked with multi-colored highlights and every lock was ironed perfectly straight.

  The women quickly ducked into a taxi and Carly rattled off an address. To make sure the cabbie knew she wasn't about to be scammed, she told him what streets would be the best to take at this time of night. There was a line forming outside the club but Carly managed to get past the muscle-bound bouncer at the door with a few words and a peck on the cheek.

  Inside the club, Julia found exactly what she needed. The music was thumping at a level that reverberated her insides and effectively shattered any attempt at thinking. Julia followed Carly to a sleek glass bar at the back of the room.

  The electronic beat pulsed through her body and she was soon moving easily with the beat. She looked over her shoulder when she felt hands resting on her hips and found a very tall, very attractive man with black hair and piercing gray eyes following her movements. She took a step back so she could feel his muscular thighs against her own. Julia realized that, at thirty years old, she had never danced with a stranger.

  When she felt Carly's grip tighten on her forearm, Julia was jerked back to reality. Apparently, Carly wasn't on Team Julia. She leaned in close, "Come on, let's find a seat." Even with her lips nearly touching Julia's ears, Carly had to shout to be heard over the music.

  Julia wiggle
d her fingers to the gray eyed man letting him know she was done dancing. When he tried to follow, she shook her head. "I thought we were dancing," Julia pouted as they found an open couch in a much quieter part of the club.

  "We will. But first, you're going to tell me what in the hell is going on," Carly explained. "Annie called me this afternoon. She's pissed. Said something about you flying out here and not telling Micah you were leaving. So, what gives?"

  Julia exhaled dramatically, "I didn't realize I needed to keep him apprised of my whereabouts," she said with mock propriety in her voice. Carly didn't say anything, she simply glared.

  "Look, I haven't even been back there for a month and people are trying to marry us off already. Of course, it doesn't help that he's still staying at my house. I've tried telling him that he should go back out to Gran's, but he says he won't until Karen tells him or the cops who she had grab me in the bathroom."

  In her drunken haze, Julia wondered if it bothered her that Micah and Caleb were still there or if she was more concerned that the day would come when they wouldn't be. If she didn't want them there, she wouldn't have agreed to let Micah buy a full-size bed for the spare room so Caleb would have a place to call his own. Would she? Damn, the back lounge was quiet enough that she could think.

  Julia stood to return to the dance floor and was immediately pulled back to her seat. "So, instead of talking to him, you're running? Do you realize that Caleb screamed at Annie all the way to her place? He wanted to talk to you and freaked when Annie said you weren't there."

  Carly leaned in close to Julia, her eyes fixed so tightly they could have been glued in place, "I know you're freaking out. I don't blame you. But he's changed. You need to let him show you that."

  At the mention of Caleb's name, Julia felt her stomach starting to roll. She tried to tell herself she was doing him a favor by leaving before he could become attached. He'd seemed sullen and annoyed by the fact that his father had practically moved them into her house. She hadn't realized that it was too late to spare him any pain.