Bent

by HB Heinzer

  Unable to settle herself, Julia quickly made her way to the nearest exit. Once outside, she ungracefully leaned against the wall and allowed herself to be sick. She sent a text message to Carly, letting her know she had to leave because she wasn't feeling well and flagged down a cab.

  Julia felt completely sober as she rode back to the hotel. It was a trick of the night air and stress but it gave her a clear head. As much as she wanted to chase her own dreams, she realized it was too late blindly leap. She needed to think about what it was doing to the people she loved.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Julia's alarm shrieking in the morning didn't wake her, it simply let her know it was time to pry herself from the downy cave she'd created on the bed. After tossing and turning until after three, she had considered using the remaining tequila to knock herself out but thought better of it. It was bad enough that she was going to a job interview after a sleepless night, she didn't need to be suffering the effects of a hangover as well.

  The city was alive when she walked through the revolving door at the front of the hotel. Yesterday, the noise had been jarring but today the commotion was starting to feel comfortable. She could see herself getting dressed every morning and being part of the masses heading to countless high-rise office buildings.

  As she walked the ten blocks to Krista's small office, Julia realized that she hadn't mentioned anything about her need for self-discovery when Carly confronted her at the club. She'd focused solely on the reasons she couldn't stay in Brooklyn with Micah. She wondered what that meant but quickly dismissed the thoughts. She needed to focus on her discussion with Krista.

  There was something captivating about the offices of K3 Public Relations. Thick shelving and contemporary artwork broke the stark white walls. Unlike most offices Julia had been in, the flooring was a rich maple hardwood. Everything about the suite screamed sophistication.

  "Oh, my God, you're really here," Krista shrieked as she came around the corner. "I know you said you were coming but part of me was waiting for you to call and say you changed your mind. Come on back to my office. Do you want some coffee?" Julia really hated perky morning people. She accepted Krista's offer, hoping it would ease the headache that was setting in.

  Krista introduced Julia to some of the associates who had come in early, explaining that everyone works as a team and they were preparing for a major trade show. She snaked between a desk and cubicle walls that were being assembled and into a small office along the front wall.

  Krista dominated the first twenty minutes of the conversation. Julia rubbed her temples, wondering if Krista's shrill voice or the effects of the tequila were causing her head to pulsate. She quickly noticed that Krista was speaking to her in very specific terms, as if she had already handpicked contracts for Julia to take the lead on rather than giving her an abstract view of the job duties.

  After asking the typical questions regarding compensation, benefits and vacation time, Julia turned her attention to the projects Krista was proposing. She was mildly irritated at Krista's presumptuous demeanor but she was also intrigued.

  Krista was interested in capitalizing on Julia's knowledge of social media and her experience with the music industry to build those branches of the business. Krista informed her there were two musicians they were currently courting and she was certain they would be a lock if Julia was on-board. In addition, she would be tasked with staying on top of the latest trends in social media to make sure all clients were taken care of in that avenue. In exchange, Julia was offered more money than she'd made at any other job in her life. It was an exciting proposition.

  By ten o'clock, Julia was back in her hotel room changing into jeans paired with a lightweight sweater and walking shoes. She shoved a pad of paper and two pens into her messenger bag and turned left out of the hotel lobby to Central Park. She'd never been but she figured it might be the one place in the city where she could get some fresh air while escaping the noise.

  Her heart dropped when the opening chords of Hard to Love played from the cell phone in the front pocket of her bag. She debated letting the call go voicemail but couldn't stop herself from answering. "Hello?"

  "Hey. I know you said we'd talk when you get home, but I can't wait that long," Micah's voice was low and she could hear voices in the background. "Please, talk to me." His voice cracked as he pleaded.

  Before her knees gave out from under her, Julia sat on the first bench she came to. She hated the desperation she heard in Micah's voice. "I can't. And before you get mad at me, I need you to know that it's not because I don't want to talk to you. I just don't know what to say yet."

  "I just... I guess I don't understand," he said. His truck roared to life and she wondered where he was going in the middle of the day. "I know everything was crazy here and I know that my situations didn't help that. I'm not ready to give up this time." He spoke quickly, as if to get out everything he had to say before Julia could respond. "I screwed up when I pushed you away. I was a stupid, immature ass and I will regret that forever. But now, I know what it's like to live without you and I don't want to do it again."

  Julia wiped a tear from her cheek. Micah was saying all the right words to make her want to go home. And that, she knew, was her addiction speaking. "Micah, you have to understand, this isn't about you," she sighed, "This is about me. I should have told you about the offer and I'm sorry I didn't. But if I had talked to you, you would have convinced me to stay there."

  The truck stopped but she didn't hear the door close, so she knew he was sitting in the truck somewhere. "Would it have been so awful if I told you I didn't want you to go?" He sighed heavily, "You're right, I would have told you I don't want you to move. I love you and I like waking up next to you in the morning. I like coming home to you in the evening..." he started to say something else, but stopped.

  "Yes," Julia snipped, "It would have been awful having you tell me to stay. I don't think you understand what my life has been like. Josh was a great guy but I spent ten years as his wife, always moving where he needed to for work. I followed him around like a lost little puppy and forgot about everything I ever wanted to do. Do you want me to be your puppy?" It took every ounce of energy she had to stand up to Micah this way. Suddenly, she was glad they were talking on the phone. It would have been far too easy to get lost in his sleepy, dark eyes and bend to his wishes.

  Micah cleared his throat, "I'm not Josh. I don't know anything about that because I wasn't there and you never talk about it. Just like you never told me how much you gave up. I didn't know you were thinking about leaving. Dammit Jules, I wish you had trusted me enough to talk to me."

  "I trust you, Micah," she breathed, "I don't trust myself."

  "Look, I should have waited to call you," Micah said, "I have to go into the school right now. Will you answer if I call you back in about an hour?"

  Julia swallowed, trying to ignore the concern she felt washing over her. If Micah was at the school, that meant something was going on with Caleb. "Is everything okay?"

  "No, nothing's okay." She could hear the anger and frustration in his tone, "Look, I really have to get in there. Will you answer when I call back?"

  "Yes," she croaked. Her mouth was dry and the she couldn't get the words out. "And Micah, I do love you." As soon as the words came out, she regretted that the only times she had said the words she knew he wanted to hear were over the phone when everything between them was in limbo.

  "I'll call you after I figure out what's going on here," Micah rushed. "Just promise me you won't make any decisions until we talk more?"

  "I won't." She didn't know why but she couldn't make a decision until she knew what was going on with Caleb. She didn't want to love him but she was powerless to stop the feelings from growing. He was the biggest wildcard in her life.

  Emotionally drained, Julia abandoned her plans to make a list of pros and cons to her new job. Instead, she turned back to the entrance of the park and headed back to the hotel. She fell
onto the bed as soon as she was in her room. This time, there were no tears, only sleep.

  The sun was setting outside her window when she opened her eyes. She frantically rummaged through her messenger bag looking for her phone. She ignored the three new messages and immediately called Micah. She swallowed hard as the phone rang.

  "You promised you'd answer when I called." His satiny tone was cold and flat.

  "I'm sorry, I fell asleep and didn't hear it ring," she said sheepishly. "I would have answered if I heard it. I just... I didn't get much sleep last night and I nodded off while I was waiting."

  "I can understand that. I didn't sleep at all last night. Your bed is cold without you in it," he said without quite as much bitterness.

  "You stayed at my place?" She was shocked at his admission. They hadn't talked about it yesterday and she assumed he'd go back to Gran's without having anyone at the house to protect.

  "I hope that's okay," he said, "I wanted to be close to you and Caleb prefers the guest bed to his bed at the farm. We'll head back out there after dinner."

  "No, stay," she said softly, "I meant what I said earlier. Everything that's going on has to do with me. Just me. If you guys want to stay there, you're more than welcome."

  Julia wished there was a way to avoid the awkward silence. Eventually, Micah spoke up, "Do you really think it's just about you? Is it really just about you?"

  It wasn't and they both knew it. "Like I said, everything there is so damned intense." At The Oasis, Julia had told Micah he needed to tell her the full truth. She took a deep breath as she prepared to give him the same.

  "When I came home, it was never supposed to be permanent. I told Annie I'd stay at the house while it was remodeled since most people don't want to rent a construction zone. I was going to use that time to ease myself into living on my own and figure out where I wanted to go next. But then, you came along and it was so easy to jump back into what we used to have..." she hesitated before continuing.

  Bile rose from her stomach as she thought back to reunion weekend. "And then everything with Karen... you all but moved in a week after I did. I managed to stay single for one week. Seriously, is that healthy?"

  "So, is that what this is really about?" Micah asked, sounding wounded.

  Forgetting that he was a thousand miles away, Julia shook her head.

  "Baby? Are you there?"

  "Sorry. No, that's not all it's about. Look, I meant what I said earlier. I spent my entire marriage doing what Josh wanted to do, moving all over for his job with each promotion. I need to prove to myself that I am capable of doing what I want to do." If she'd been eavesdropping on someone else having this conversation, she would be rolling her eyes. Did she really think giving up on the one man who could make her feel completely happy was the best answer?

  "By the time I realized how much I had given up, I didn't know who I was anymore," she mumbled. "I lost myself. Moving back to Wisconsin was supposed to be about figuring out who I am for once in my life. I need to just be Julia. Not Adam's sister, not Josh's wife, not Micah's girlfriend. Just Julia." It felt good to get everything off her chest. "I need this for me. Can you understand that?"

  Silence.

  "Micah?" she moved closer to the window in case there was a problem with their connection. "Will you say something?"

  "I'm thinking," he said. "So, you really think you need to do this? That there's no other way?"

  Julia bit her lip. "Yes and yes." She could hear him popping his knuckles, something he did when he was trying to make a decision.

  "I'm not going to be happy about it, but if you really think you have to go, I'll support your decision. It'll kill me to watch you go, but I'll do it." Karen was wrong. Micah was capable of being selfless. He wasn't trying to talk Julia out of moving, he was willing to let her go if it would make her happy.

  The tears Julia had been waiting on earlier in the day worked their way to the surface. "I need to talk to Krista and ask her some questions about the job. I know it's not fair to you but it was what I planned on doing before we started talking again." Her chest heaved as she sobbed, "I have spent thirty years having someone else take care of me. I need to know that I'm capable of doing it on my own." She was being selfish and she knew it. "I'm not saying it will be forever, but for now..."

  She started crying harder when she heard Caleb ask a question in the background. Even though he wasn't her son, Julia felt like she was no better than Karen or her own mother. She was making decisions without respect to the needs of a child. Hearing his voice reminded her to ask about Micah's trip to the school. "Hey, what happened today?"

  "With?" Micah seemed distant after Julia finished explaining why she was seriously considering the New York job.

  "Caleb," she said. "Why were you at the school?"

  A low grumble came through the phone, "He got in a fight. He's going to be going to work with me tomorrow because they suspended him."

  Julia bit her lip, considering whether or not to ask anything else. Other than a couple of incidents, everyone praised Caleb as being a great kid so it made no sense that he was getting into a fight now. "Did he say why?"

  "No, but I think it's pretty obvious." His accusatory tone stung. "Look, I have to get him something to eat. I'm going to start working on the inside at night, if that's okay with you. That way, if you decide you're staying out there, we can get everything done quickly so I can be done with this place."

  "Yeah, that's fine." Resignation filled the air between them. Neither would say it, but both of them knew Julia's mind was made up. Julia buried her face in the pillows once they disconnected the call. If she was doing what she needed to do, why did it hurt so much?

  Chapter Fourteen

  Julia wound up taking the job in New York, leaving Micah and Caleb in Brooklyn trying to move on with their lives. Micah had expected her to come back to Wisconsin for her things. She hadn't. He kept waiting for Julia to tell him there wasn't room in her life for him and his son. She didn't. If Micah could somehow forget that Julia was a thousand miles away, it would be easy to convince himself they were living a normal life.

  By the second week of November, the first floor renovations were complete. Sitting in the dining area after dinner, Micah looked into the kitchen with its new appliances and cupboards, remembering how much Julia hated the original kitchen. He wished she was there to enjoy the handiwork she had inspired. Just as it did every night at eight-thirty, Austin by Blake Shelton filled the room.

  "Hey, baby. I was just thinking about you," he said in his best 'I'm trying to be sexy' voice.

  Julia chuckled. He missed that sound. He missed the way her body seemed to vibrate when she laughed in his arms. "You were, huh?"

  "I'm still breathing, so yeah, I was thinking about you," he said, happy no one was in the room to hear him being such a sap.

  "Yeah, yeah. So hey, I have a question for you..." she paused, "Is my house going to be a mess when I come home in a couple of weeks?"

  Micah's heart jumped as his mind registered what she had just said. "You're coming home? Baby, if you're coming home, I'll pull all the guys off the job we're finishing so the house is perfect by tomorrow night."

  The sigh he heard made his heart drop, "I'm not coming home, coming home. But we're closed from Wednesday through Thanksgiving weekend. Since I won't have to work, I thought it'd be nice to fly out. I miss you guys."

  As much as he was looking forward to seeing her, it was going to be hard to say goodbye again. "Oh, I see." He felt like a lovesick fool, thinking that she'd come running back to him.

  "Hey, I thought you'd be happy that I'm coming back. I know it's not what you want, but it's what I can do right now," she sighed.

  He was trying to make their long distance relationship work, to show her that he respected her obsessive need to become self-reliant. He hated every minute of it. If Micah had his way, she'd move back home and he would do everything possible to help her build a business locally. When they ha
d first started talking again, that was the project she was working on and he admired her ambition. If it was his choice, he'd rather build his own business, even if it was in a smaller market, than build a business for someone else.

  "I know, Jules. And I am looking forward to seeing you. It's seeing you leave again that I don't want to deal with." If there was an upside to maintaining a relationship that relied so completely on technology, it was that they were communicating better than they ever had in the past. Micah had never been one to share everything he felt but knowing it was the only way to show Julia how much he cherished her, he made the effort.

  "Hey, what if I ask Krista about taking off Monday and Tuesday of that week too? Then, I can come home a week from Friday on the late night and stay through the Monday morning after Thanksgiving. If she'll let me work a half day that day, I can get back in time to come in at noon." Julia rambled as she worked out the details of her trip.

  "You're seriously asking me that? I will gladly take every minute I can with you," he said sweetly. He wanted to add that he'd much rather she tell Krista to get bent and buy a one-way ticket, but he bit his tongue. Julia had turned icy towards him when he offered to buy her a ticket home the first time she complained about her new job. He wasn't going to make that mistake again, especially when he was so close to being able to hold her in his arms again.

  Over an hour later, Julia was yawning into the phone and Micah heard the quiet but high pitch squeak she let out any time she was stretching. As much as he didn't want to, he told her it was time to go to bed. Just as he did every night, he stayed on the phone while she changed and brushed her teeth. Once she was nestled into her bed, they would whisper goodnight and profess their love for one another. They never said goodbye at the end of the call. Those were words they had promised to never say to one another again.