Wizarding for Beginners

by Elys Dolan

  “Oh no, we’d never tell on you!” said Dave.

  “Albrecht is no snitch!’ added Albrecht.

  “Yes, thanks, Albrecht,” said Dave. “Anyway, we’re here to save all the talking animals!”

  Mabel perked up. “Save us? Leave the Guild? I’ve read about spas that have mud baths in Terrence’s beauty magazines, and I’d love to go one day!”

  So, Mabel tried to explain where Terrence had kept her when she was first captured. “I’m not entirely sure where the rooms are. I only got out of there because one day Terrence had a tantrum and kicked me out the window.

  “Luckily, I landed in the Guild’s duck pond, swam back to the building, and another wizard plonked me in the dining hall thinking I must be the junior wizard’s chair. I’ve been here ever since, eating leftovers and putting up with Brian’s bony bottom!”

  “Hey!” said Brian.

  “Terrence’s rooms must be up very high, in the attics right above the duck pond. When he wasn’t threatening to make me into a bacon sandwich, he’d mutter about needing more talking animals for his ‘evil plan’ so he could become the most powerful and popular wizard ever. He also bought a lot of shampoo.”

  “Terrence shouldn’t be able to push people around, kick them out of windows, and feed them to mean kitties!” said Dave. “And his table manners are just awful. We have to DO SOMETHING! It’s just so mean.”

  The other wizards lost interest in their badger soup and started to pay attention to Dave’s rant.

  “But Dave the Pretty All Right, he’s the Senior Wizard,” said Clive. “We can’t disobey him. It’s against the rules! There’s nothing more important than rules, obviously.”

  This speech had started to get away from Dave a little. “Well, err, the rules are… wrong! We need to unite! If we all stick together and work as a team we can defeat that bully Terrence. I know we can do it! Wizards, ARE YOU WITH ME!?”

  CHAPTER 9

  “Err, no,” said Arnold, “we’re not with you because it’s 10:17 p.m., and Rule 52,406 says we have to be in bed by half past.”

  Dave was disappointed. He thought the speech had been very inspiring. “But Brian! We could really change things!”

  “I tried standing up to him, Dave, and I got eaten by a tiger,” said Brian. “And I suppose they are the rules, even if I don’t like them. I’ll never be an excellent wizard if I disobey and get kicked out of the Guild.”

  “Don’t worry, mein Dave,” said Albrecht, “we’ve all had our disappointing revolutions.

  “Anyway, I can defeat Terrence singled hoofed!”

  “No, Albrecht! We work best when we work together!” said Dave. “For example, I remembered to pack our pajamas.”

  * * *

  Dave and Albrecht were immediately given bedrooms because in the Guild of Wizards bedtime straight after dinner is required.

  “I really wanted to share a room with you Albrecht,” said Dave. “Instead, I have to share with the strange guy who keeps pulling coins from behind people’s ears.”

  “It does not matter, for we shall not sleep!” hissed Albrecht. “If you insist on us working together, we shall meet in the corridor at midnight to search for the animals! It shall be very sneaky, secret, and kind of like a slumber party.”

  So Dave and Albrecht passed the time in their rooms until midnight. Neither of them enjoyed it much.

  CHAPTER 10

  At 11:30 p.m., Albrecht decided that patience was for dummköpfe, so he snuck out of his room. As Albrecht peered into the dark corridor, he caught sight of something odd.

  “What is this small hoppity hop?” thought Albrecht. “Its fluffy, white hintern suggests to me that it is a clue! I shall pursue.”

  Albrecht trotted off into the shadows after it. He rounded a corner and came face-to-face with a little fuzzy bunny rabbit.

  “Albrecht shall help them of course!” Albrecht struck his most heroic pose. “I made a promise!” But what about Dave? There was no time to go back for him and this could be his only chance to save the animals. Albrecht would have to go alone.

  “I will have this wrapped up by breakfast and Dave will be so impressed. Now, you must lead me to Terrence’s rooms, schnell! And I alone will rescue my friends…”

  Albrecht never got the chance to finish because from behind him in the gloomy corridor he heard a voice say, “Hello, Albrecht, old friend.”

  And then, before Albrecht could catch his breath, everything went dark.

  CHAPTER 11

  At exactly midnight, Dave snuck out of his room to meet Albrecht. He was distracted by Wizard Brian, who was quietly tiptoeing toward the bathroom. But not just any bathroom—the cobweb-covered, barely used ladies' bathroom! In a place where girls are not allowed, that’s very odd. Dave had to investigate.

  Dave silently shuffled into the ladies' bathroom… Wait a second! Wizard Brian is… A GIRL!

  Dave gave a little hiccup of surprise and stumbled over. Brian spun round.

  “You! Dave the Pretty All Right! If you ever tell anyone what you’ve seen, I’ll… I’ll… saw you in half, or pull something really nasty out of my hat, or turn you into a frog, or something! I’m a serious wizard you know.”

  “Brian! I don’t care if you’re a girl, a boy, or a three-headed hippo! It doesn’t matter, and of course, I won’t tell anyone. I’m very good at secrets. Look! I’m not even really a wizard.”

  Dave took off his own beard and gave his chin a good scratch.

  “Oh, wow, you’re a real-life dragon?!” said Brian. “Dragons are shorter than I expected.”

  “Yes, and you’re more of a girl than I expected, but surprises are fun, aren’t they?”

  “Is it true about all the riddles and gold and village eating?”

  “Some dragons are into that stuff. I’m more of an adventurer now because of my friend Albrecht, who’s my mentor, spirit guide, trusty steed, and also a goat.”

  “That explains a lot. I thought he smelled goaty,” said Brian.

  Dave nodded. “Brian, can I ask, why do you want to be a wizard so badly that you have to pretend to be a boy and wear an itchy beard?”

  Brian began to explain. “Well, I used to be called Belinda, but to be honest I prefer Brian now.”

  “So, I set off for the Guild of Wizards that very night. I would learn all the spells, make all the potions, and become the best wizard ever! Even if I had to live a lie, it would be worth it. Things aren’t going according to my plan, though. I’ve been trying my best to learn from the books, but the other wizards are all very jealous and won’t share their tricks. Terrence is the worst! He’s a bully, always trying to trip me up in the halls and getting his fox to file law suits against me. And the rules! There’s so many here that they get in the way of learning anything. I’m sick of sitting on Mabel at dinner… but there’s something else.”

  Brian looked down at her feet, ashamed.

  “What is it?” said Dave. “Don’t worry, you can tell me. I’m very open-minded. My best friend is a pungent goat after all.”

  “I’m… I’m not really a very good wizard. There’s only one trick I can do, and it’s not real magic like card tricks or making coins appear. It’s kind of weird and icky.”

  “I can’t even do the flower trick right, so any magic will impress me,” said Dave.

  Blushing, Brian reached out and touched the sink, and with a “SPLURGE!” the sink was no more.

  “Porridge!” thought Dave. “Well, that’s… different.”

  But then, Dave was not exactly a standard wizard himself, so he was not about to judge Brian.

  “Don’t worry, Brian,” said Dave. “You shouldn’t be ashamed. In fact, it’s pretty great! Porridge is my favorite breakfast. I’ll try and help you become the best wizard ever. Maybe in return you could help me, too?”

  Dave explained about the talking animals, Terrence the Terrible, and Albrecht. Wait a minute, where was Albrecht?!

  CHAPTER 12

  “Stop ri
ght there, gentlemen!”

  Brian and Dave froze.

  “Oh, great, that’s Terrence’s lawyer,” said Brian.

  “At least it’s not Barry again, he’s much worse,” said Dave.

  “You wizards are out of bed after lights out, which is a flagrant violation of Rule 783. Show them, Andrew!”

  Reginald’s assistant, who was already armed with the rule book, opened it and presented a page to Dave and Brian.

  Being out of bed after lights out is punishable by explusion from the Guild and no breakfast!

  “Don’t think breakfast will be a problem for us,” Dave said and gave Brian a nudge.

  “Breakfast isn’t the thing I’m worried about, DAVE!” said Brian.

  “Okay, okay. Hang on.”

  Dave got out his copy of Wizarding for Beginners and flicked through it until he found the rules section.

  “Aha!” said Dave. “Look, there's an exception to that rule!

  Unless it’s for a really good reason.

  “We’re trying to rescue some animal friends of mine!” said Dave. “That’s a really good reason.”

  “I see,” said Reginald, narrowing his eyes. “Andrew! Go to subclause 236!”

  Really good reasons only include needing the bathroom, midnight snacks, and fire alarms.

  “Darn!” said Brian. “We should have said we needed the bathroom.”

  “Wait! I’ve read the chapter on rules three times, Mr. Fox. There’s a sub-subclause about this!” Dave went to a page right at the back of the book.

  All Wizard disputes can be settled by the outcome of the Guild’s traditional sport.

  “So be it!” said Reginald. “Andrew, wake up the Guild, it’s time to play Magic Ball!”

  CHAPTER 13

  “I don’t understand why the Guild’s solution to being out of bed in the middle of the night is to get everyone else out of bed to play Magic Ball,” said Brian.

  “It does sound like nonsense,” said Dave. “Where’s Albrecht when you need him? He would know what Magic Ball is, for sure. He knows everything.”

  “Have a look in your book,” said Brian.

  “It actually sounds like fun,” said Dave. “Albrecht would love the uniforms and competitiveness. Why don’t you like it?”

  Brian looked at her shoes. “I can only turn the ball into one thing.”

  “Oh, yes, of course,” said Dave.

  Brian looked across the pitch and saw Clive give the ball a warm-up whack and turn it into a lobster. Arnold returned it, and with a POOF it became a lawn mower.

  “Dave, the other team is made up of the Guild’s best players. Clive is surprisingly gifted with a mallet. How can we win this? I can only make porridge, and you can’t even do magic.”

  “Apart from the flowers trick!”

  “I’m not sure flowers will help. Plus, we’re one player short.”

  Just at that moment, someone came jogging across the field.

  The Librarian began some warm-up stretches.

  “Thanks, very kind sir, but, um, are you wearing any clothes under all that beard?” said Dave.

  “The rules don’t say anything about clothes! Plus, I have only just got out of bed,” said the Librarian as he bent over to touch his toes.

  The Librarian squinted at Dave. “You remind me of someone, Dave the Pretty All Right…”

  “Maybe you know my Aunt Maud! She’s a Librarian, too,” said Dave.

  “Oh, yes, old Maudie!” said the Librarian. “I met her at a conference way back.”

  “I won’t ask why a wizard has a dragon for an auntie,” he said with a wink.

  Before Dave could really think about that or ask which way to hold his mallet, the first whistle blew and the game began. They made a strong start.

  “Good game, chaps!” said the Librarian. “Now Reginald, you have to let these two young wizards go. We won fair and square, and it’s the rules after all.”

  From under his coating of porridge, Reginald bristled. “Well, I never… I can’t really… this is a… FINE! You win! Oh my good gracious, I’ve never been let down by the rules before! I didn’t become a lawyer to just let people… ANDREW! Get me a latte!”

  At this, Reginald flounced off the pitch, his assistant trailing behind him.

  “I can’t believe it!” said Brian. “I’ve never even hit the ball before in a Magic Ball match! What a team we are, Dave! Dave?”

  Dave was frowning off toward the edge of the pitch.

  “Something’s not right, Brian. It’s not like Albrecht to miss out on a victory celebration, especially when there’s a chance to wave a trophy around. I’ve got a really bad feeling.”

  The Librarian put a hand on Dave’s shoulder. “Can I lend a hand, Dave the Pretty All Right? Anything to help a Magic Ball teammate.”

  Dave told him everything about the kidnapped animals, Albrecht, and Terrence.

  “I know where that Terrence hides out. I have to deliver library fines to his rooms all the time! He keeps taking out books about hairdressing and bringing them back VERY late. Hang on, I’ll draw you a map.”

  CHAPTER 14

  Brian and Dave burst into Terrence’s rooms. But Terrence was nowhere to be seen. And neither was Albrecht.

  Dave was distraught. “If Albrecht’s not here, where could he be? Usually he’s very easy to find because of all the shouting and people running the other way! This can’t be good.”

  All the animals started talking at once.

  “WAIT!” Brian stepped into the middle of the room. “One at a time, please! Frog guy with the crown, where is Terrence and have you seen Albrecht?”

  Gilbert hopped forward. “Terrence was here earlier, going on about how he had finally found an animal with a coat glossy enough to complete his spell so that he can become the most powerful and popular wizard ever.”

  “I think I know what Terrence was talking about.” Brian grabbed the book out of Dave’s hand. “I’ve read about this before, while I was kind of studying but mainly looking for a way to make my hair less frizzy. Look at this!”

  Dave had turned a very pale shade of green. “Oh, my, now I understand. Terrence wants to be the ‘Best and Most Popular Wizard Ever,’ and he thinks the wand will make him that. He needs someone really, REALLY glossy to get it. But who could be so glossy that they… oh no.”

  CHAPTER 15

  While all this had been happening, Albrecht was being carried around in a sack with an awful lot of hair products. Naturally, it wasn’t the first time he’d been in a sack. He once had to disguise himself as potatoes to sneak aboard a ship bound for the tropics. For some reason, though, he had a really bad feeling about this, and it wasn’t because of the shampoo bottle sticking into his hintern.

  Dave! If only Dave were here. He could tell Dave all his sack stories and fun facts, they’d escape in some daring way he’d devise, and maybe Dave would even do something useful. Sacks just aren’t any fun without Dave. Also, he was so squished up he starting to lose the feeling in his hooves.

  “For my dear friends, I must prevail!” Albrecht cried, and gave the sack an experimental kick.

  Albrecht was tipped out of the sack onto a damp cellar floor. He looked up and saw exactly what he didn’t want to see.

  Albrecht spotted the rabbit from the corridor. “Kleiner hare! That wizard is most evil. We must run before it is too late!”

  The rabbit hopped down. “You don’t understand goaty man. It was all a very clever plan from wonderful Terrence to trap you. I’m Miriam, Terrence’s first and best talking animal, occasional toupee, and very best friend!”

  “We’re not friends!” said Terrence. “We’re work colleagues, at best. Actually, I’m more like your boss.”

  Miriam looked hurt. “But what about all those years we spent together when I was your only friend?”

  “Miriam! SHUT UP!” Terrence looked at Albrecht. “She knows nothing. I’m very popular and fun to be around.”

  “I do not care tha
t a dummkopf like you has no friends! I, on the other hand, had many close friends and acquaintances until you stole them. What are you doing with those animals? I demand you free them immediately!”

  Terrence gave him a particularly smug grin. “Oh Albrecht, you glossy fool! I don’t want those dull and disheveled animals. It’s YOU who I need.”

  Terrence began to stare wistfully into the middle distance.

  “Mein Gott, I feel a flashback coming,” said Albrecht.

  Terrence shushed him and began his story. “For years, I’ve been trying to claim the wand so I could be the BEST WIZARD EVER EVER EVER. Finally, I would be respected and, most of all, POPULAR! Only one thing stands in my way…

  “… The Magic Mirror!

  “To get the wand, a worthy wizard must stand before the Mirror in the secret spot and say the magic words. If the Mirror judges you to have the finest hair, to be the ‘The Glossiest of Them All,’ it will give you the wand.

  “The only problem is the Mirror is super judgy and kind of a jerk. It was really mean about me!

  “But, then, I had the most ingenious of ideas. If I was not glossy enough, then I’d find someone who was. What could be glossier than an animal with luscious fur or shiny scales? I was already the very best at the talking spell. There’s no animal I can’t make talk, even very stupid ones! I would get the glossy animals to say the magic words for me, and then I’d claim the wand for myself!