Wizarding for Beginners

by Elys Dolan

  “It’s obviously the best of plans, but finding the perfect animal has proved tricky.

  “I even tried putting Miriam in a wig.

  “Every time we made the dangerous journey to the secret spot, my animal was rejected.

  “Then one day, when I was passing a simple farmhouse, I saw THE ONE!

  “But of course, Albrecht, you escaped before I could take you to the secret spot. For many years, I searched for you, but you were always one step ahead.”

  “I am a fast-paced, dynamic go-getter,” mused Albrecht.

  “Shut up, this is my flashback!” said Terrence. “It was your foolishness, your stupid friendship, that finally gave you away!

  “The only question was, how would I trap such a tricky goat as you? I’d learned that if I tried to capture you again you’d only evade me. So, I would have to make you come to the Guild of your own free will. What better way than to lure you here to save your animal friends! You could never resist playing the big clever hero, Albrecht. Now, the wand is in sight and all I need is for you to shut up, come with me, and do as you’re told.”

  CHAPTER 16

  Dave was not coping well with the idea that Albrecht had been kidnapped.

  “What am I supposed to do without Albrecht? I’ve never adventured alone! How am I going to defeat an evil wizard who’s obsessed with power and hairstyles and rescue my trusty steed all at the same time?! We don’t even know where this ‘secret spot’ Terrence is heading for is.” Dave went back to breathing into the paper bag.

  “I’m going to help,” said Brian. “There’s no way I’m letting that bully Terrence get the wand. He’ll make this place even worse and make even more rules! They’ll all be Terrence Rules like ‘everyone has to compliment Terrence’s beard,' or ‘everyone must wear a T-shirt with Terrence’s face on it,’ or ‘everyone has to let Barry eat them.’ NO WAY. We’ve done a pretty good job of adventuring together so far. I never thought I’d win a Magic Ball match.”

  Dave looked up from the bag. “Yes, I suppose we have made a pretty good team, and I have already learned a lot of things about adventuring from Albrecht. If he’s taught me anything, we should probably strike an adventurous pose, stride into the face of danger, and think about whether we can use this in our autobiographies or not.”

  Dave stood up, puffed himself up, strode forward, and then slipped straight over onto his bottom.

  “Owie,” said Dave.

  Brian looked down at him. “I don’t want to bring the mood down or anything, but I’m not sure I want to write an autobiography… hang on, what was that you slipped on, Dave?”

  Dave looked at the floor and noticed a puddle of something sticky. A trail of it went all the way to the door. He sniffed it.

  “It smells like forest fruits and glossy shine. It’s shampoo! Albrecht must have left us a trail to follow. He’s so clever.”

  CHAPTER 17

  Deep in the cellars of the Guild of Wizards, Terrence had reached the passageway to the secret spot. Albrecht was not making things easy for him, though. “I will not go down there, you bearded oaf!”

  Sometimes, thought Albrecht wistfully, all you needed was a little help from your friends.Dave would do the wunderbar job of slowing the wizard down. He’d talk to Terrence about all his dummkopf feelings for hours, until Terrence was all sniffly, crying. Maybe Albrecht could do this, too! He’d seen Dave have lots of chitchats with people who he thought were über-boring. He would ask questions and pretend to be interested. Just like Dave.

  Albrecht cleared his throat and shouted back to Terrence, “So, er, is not the weather so nice Herr Wizard, and why do you want to be the MOST POWERFUL AND POPULAR WIZARD EVER, anyway? Only foolish people chase power.” Albrecht stopped himself because he thought Dave probably wouldn’t start by calling him an idiot.

  It was quiet for a moment, and then he heard Terrence say, “Oh well! Really? The animals almost never want to know about how brilliant I am! I knew you were different, goat. I’m just trying to get the respect I deserve. I have always been a gifted wizard. I always obeyed the rules and did things by the book, but even as a boy no one recognized my brilliance.

  “But I don’t like these memories, because it makes me feel weird inside! I was totally right anyway, and those idiots just couldn’t see it. I needed someone who really understood me, who could recognize my genius and do as they’re told. That’s when I invented the talking spell and created Miriam.”

  “And we’ve been super best friends ever since!” shouted Miriam.

  “Shut up, Miriam!” said Terrence. “But one rabbit isn’t enough. When I get the wand and all its power, everyone will finally see how awesome I am!”

  Albrecht rolled his eyes. Getting Terrence to talk was working, but he’d never heard such nonsense in his life. He couldn’t do this listening anymore; he had to tell this wizard exactly what he thought.

  “Any goat knows you get respect by earning it, not by being a DUMMKOPF!”

  “WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!? Right, I’m not being patient with you any more, goat! Barry, you headbutt him through this hole even if it ruins his hairstyle. We’re going to the Magic Mirror!”

  CHAPTER 18

  Dave and Brian had followed the shampoo trail as fast as they could, so they weren’t far behind.

  “Somehow I get the feeling this might be the way in,” said Brian.

  “Wizards aren’t very good at secrets, are they?” said Dave.

  “Rule 3,546 says that everything must be properly labeled.”

  “Of course. Just in case they haven’t signposted the whole journey, I’m just going to check the dungeon map. There’s one in the back of the book.”

  “Well, that wasn’t encouraging,” said Dave. “Actually, it’s rather terrifying. What even is a ‘Super Big Killer Worm’?!”

  Dave put his head through the hole. It was incredibly dark and smelled old, musty, and damp, rather like he imagined a Super Big Killer Worm must smell.

  Brian popped her head in alongside Dave. “It’s only a worm. They don’t even have legs. Shall we go through together?”

  Dave and Brian made their way down through the passageway as it wound deeper and deeper below the Guild of Wizards.

  Dave kicked something over in the dark, and it made a clonking sound all the way down the passage.

  “WAH! MONSTER!?” said Brian.

  “No no, it’s just me, don’t worry!” Dave reached down and picked something up. “Hair spray! They must have come this way.”

  Dave stumbled a little in his surprise.

  “WAH! MONSTER!” said Brian.

  “No, don’t worry,” said Dave, “just me again.”

  “NO! Look, Dave, really!” said Brian. “A MONSTER!”

  CHAPTER 19

  There had been many times since Albrecht went missing that Dave had wished he’d been there, but if there was any time that you needed a slightly mad goat adventurer with no regard for his own safety by your side, it was when there was a huge monster running toward you.

  Albrecht wasn’t here, though. This time, Dave would just have to be his own Albrecht.

  “I shall defeat this monster with my incredible magic, and then tell everyone about it! Just like Albrecht,” said Dave.

  “See,” said Dave, “everyone loves flowers.”

  The monster gave the flowers a big sniff. “How did you know? My name is Pansy, and tulips are almost kind of like pansies, so this is sooo special! I’m sorry I was a little cranky just then. That mean man who’s always coming down here just came through with some animals. He made his tiger fight me and now I’m all owie.”

  Pansy showed Dave a scratch on her massive paw. “People are often so mean to me, just because I’m a huge, terrifying monster. It really hurts my feelings.”

  Dave patted Pansy on a huge claw. “Well, you’re not alone now,” said Dave. “How did you come to be down here?”

  Pansy brightened up a bit. “A long time ago, I owed a wizard with re
ally nice hair a favor, so I said I’d guard the place where his snazzy wand is kept. I don’t think I’m doing a good job though. Every time that Terrence comes down here he sets his big kitty on me.”

  “If it’s not rude to ask,” said Dave, “why are you scared of a tiger? You’re a huge monster.”

  “There’s this magic mirror in the next cave that keeps saying hurtful things about my hair even when I brush it. It’s so bad for my self-esteem! I just don’t have the self-confidence to defend myself. They always get past me. I feel like the worst monster ever. You are the first person to be nice to me in centuries, Mr. little green wizard! I wish I could leave these caves, but I can’t because I made a promise and monsters never break their promises.”

  “You can stick with us so you won’t be lonely,” said Brian. “Frankly, it’s just exciting to find another girl in the Guild of Wizards, even if you do have massive teeth and are covered in fur.”

  “But I don’t want to go anywhere near that kitty, or it will scratch me again.”

  Dave thought about this. “Oh well, he’s probably quite upset, too. That man you mentioned, Terrence, stole the tiger from his home, and put a spell on him to make him talk. I imagine he must miss his family. I think he needs a friend, someone to give him a compliment or a bubble bath or a nice big hug to make him feel better.”

  The monster looked shocked. “So the kitty has an owie too? Owie feelings! When I see that kitty I’m going to hug him so hard it’ll squeeze all the owie out.”

  Pansy grabbed Dave and Brian by the hand and pulled them away. The three of them set off along the passage toward a dim light up ahead.

  CHAPTER 20

  At the secret spot, things didn’t look good for Albrecht.

  Terrence wasn’t having a great time, either.

  “Oh. My. Godness. Terrence!” the Magic Mirror rolled its eyes. “That look is sooo last year. When will you do something new with your beard? I hope no one sees us together. So embarrassing.”

  “Quiet, Mirror!” said Terrence. “If I wasn’t totally sure of my own awesomeness, that could really hurt my feelings. Anyway, I’ve got someone so glossy to show you that you’ll be left speechless.”

  “The only thing that leaves me speechless is Miriam’s terrible split ends.”

  “But I’ve really been making an effort with my shampooing!” Miriam hopped off, looking hurt.

  Terrence ignored this and went over to where Albrecht was strung up.

  “Now Albrecht, stand in front of that mirror, say the magic words, and get me the wand, NOW!?”

  Albrecht was trying to look dignified, which is tricky for a goat who’s tied upside down by their hooves. “I will never let you have the wand. My glossiness should only be used for good!”

  “Oh, but Albrecht I think you will,” said Terrence. “You see that concoction bubbling away below you, that is my very own ‘Shut Your Face’ potion. It’s made in the opposite way to the talking spell, so whoever it touches will lose the power of speech. If you don’t do as you’re told, I’ll dip you in it, and you know what that means, Albrecht?”

  “This is an outrage!” said Albrecht. “I am one of the kingdom’s finest public speakers!”

  “It means you’d have no more adventures, you wouldn’t tell any more stories, you’d never tell anyone else what to do, and you wouldn’t be able to talk to your stupid friends. You’ll just go ‘BAH!’ for the rest of your life!”

  “Mein Gott, you do not mean…”

  “Yes, that’s right Albrecht, you’d be…”

  “Suspense is just so passé!” interrupted the Mirror. “Could this BE any more boring. Get on with it.”

  “Calm down, I’m getting there!” said Terrence. “Albrecht, you would be… A NORMAL GOAT!”

  Albrecht’s eyes widened. “I will not be bullied by you, Terrence. You might think the wand will make you über-powerful and so popular, but you will always be the same wizard bully.”

  Dave had been watching everything from behind a rock. If Albrecht couldn’t talk, he would never able to give Dave advice again. They would never have a chat, Albrecht would never be able to tell his stories. Dave couldn’t let this happen.

  Before Brian could catch hold of him, Dave leaped out of his hiding place and sprinted over to Albrecht.

  “That takes care of your silly little green friend,” said Terrence. “Don’t eat him Barry, this is so handy!

  “Albrecht, if you won’t save your own voice, maybe you’ll save your friend’s. Get me the wand or I’ll dunk this Dave in the potion and he’ll never speak another word!”

  That was too much for Albrecht. It was one thing to sacrifice himself in a noble and supercool way, but not Dave. He’d never hear Dave ask anyone clever questions again, say nice things to people, or tell Albrecht how super amazing he was. He could not let that happen.

  “You are a worthy foe, Herr Wizard,” said Albrecht. “Cut me down and I shall do as you say.”

  Albrecht stepped up to the Mirror and said the magic words: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the glossiest of them all?

  “I mean, obviously it is me, but I thought I should ask.”

  “NOOOOO,” shouted Dave.

  CHAPTER 21

  “So shiny, so healthy, so GLOSSY!” shrieked the Mirror. “Do you condition? Who cuts your hair? Have you thought about modeling? Yes, take the wand. Take it!”

  “I cut my own hair, and ja, I have thought about modeling. I was once a well-respected catalogue hoof model,” said Albrecht.

  “Enough!” yelled Terrence, snatching the wand away from Albrecht. “This is MY moment!”

  Brian was worried. She had stayed exactly where she was, hidden behind the rocks. With Dave and Albrecht captured, and Terrence with the wand, she was going to have to do something. How she was going to save the day with only an emotionally fragile monster and the ability to make porridge on her side, she wasn’t entirely sure. Hang on, maybe an emotional monster might be just the thing…

  Brian looked over at the monster, who had been hiding her eyes since she got scared when she caught a glimpse of Terrence. “Pansy, look! That nice kitty is over there. Now’s your chance to hug him all better.”

  Pansy looked up, caught sight of Barry, and began pounding across the cave. “I’m coming, mean kitty! Pansy will hug all your owie away!”

  While Terrence was trying to free his tiger from the overly friendly clutches of Pansy, Brian saw her moment. She crept out from behind her rock and tiptoed over to help Albrecht untie Dave.

  “Hello, Brian,” whispered Albrecht. “I am using my most secret voice because I see you are sneaking. During my time as a ninja I used to sneak all…”

  “Albrecht, I’ve missed your stories, but now we really need to get that wand off Terrence,” said Dave. “Thanks for helping, Brian, but hurry!”

  “There is still time for manners, Dave!” said Albrecht. “Brian, I must introduce you to my new friend. Compliment Mirror, meet Brian, Brian meet Mirror.”

  The Mirror, who until now had been gazing adoringly at Albrecht, caught sight of Brian. “Oh, what do we have here? That beard just looks so fake. I know a bad wig when I see one. BAD HAIR ALERT! BAD HAIR ALERT!” rang out through the cave.

  Before any of them could shush the Mirror, it became obvious that Brian had been spotted.

  There was only one thing, Dave thought, that could stand up to the wand.

  “Brian! You must use the porridge. Use the POWER OF PORRIDGE!”

  “I can’t! It’s porridge, Dave,” said Brian, “not some incredible, powerful spell. I’m just not that kind of wizard!”

  “You’ve done some amazing things while we’ve been adventuring, and some of them even involved porridge,” said Dave. “I believe in you and I believe in breakfast. DO IT!”

  “Enough of this emotional rubbish,” said Terrence. “First new rule I’m going to make is NO MORE BRIANS!”

  Terrence raised his wand to blast Brian, but she reacted just in
time.

  Soon a fight was underway. A fight quite unlike anything the Guild of Wizards had seen before.

  But there was one thing Brian hadn’t counted on—Miriam!

  CHAPTER 22

  “Brian! Brian was hit!” Dave shouted across the cave. “BRIAN! Are you alive?!”

  Brian was surprised to find that she was alive. Something wasn’t right, though. She felt around and discovered she still had all her arms, legs, fingers, and even her nose. Then, Brian looked in the Mirror.

  It took a while for Albrecht to stop the Mirror from screaming.

  “WHAT!” said Terrence. “This wand should have blown that pathetic Brian and her breakfast foods into a million pieces. What sort of rubbish 'all powerful' wand is this?!” Terrence chucked the wand to the floor and began to stomp on it.

  “Is that what it does?” said Dave. ““This amazing, legendary wand that we’ve been fussing over all day gives you BAD HAIR?”

  “Even I am underwhelmed, and I really didn’t want the irresponsible wizard idiot to have unrivaled power,” said Albrecht.

  “What were you expecting? The Wizard Fabilo was obsessed with perfect hair. For him, what power could be more dangerous?” said Brian. “Do you think I can comb this out?”

  Dave was hit with a sudden realization.

  “Brian, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think your beard has melted.”

  Terrence looked up.