Mossbelly MacFearsome and the Dwarves of Doom

by Alex Gardiner

  ‘This clever human woman,’ said Moss, pointing at Lady Goodroom. He stepped back, put his hands on his hips and looked up at her admiringly. ‘She knew gorefiends could not resist an emission of intestinal gas – and one of such powerful magnificence – for they have fascination for all bodily functions.’

  ‘I didn’t...’ Lady Goodroom’s eyes blinked rapidly and her face grew even redder. ‘That is... I mean... I couldn’t help... I was... excited. My digestion is...’

  ‘Perfect!’ Moss grinned. ‘Your wind-breaking is a lion roaring in deep cavern. Magnificent!’

  Lady Goodroom gazed at the ground and shook her head; there was a slight smile on her face.

  Roger looked at the dwarf. ‘How did you get those weapons?’

  ‘My Queen placed weapons in the grass when she fell to her knees,’ said Moss. ‘That bubbling lickspiggot you saw was not my beloved Queen. What you saw was an act of great skill to outwit those fopdoodles.’ He laughed. ‘But I knew! And – she even pointed to the location of the axes, right in front of that waghalter’s wink-a-peeps. I, of course, also used my considerable acting talent to fool the gorefiends.’ He clapped his hands. ‘Now, let us get the hammer from the burning carriage area. We must follow the battle march. We still have the smallest of chances if we move with an abundance of speed.’ He looked at Lady Goodroom. ‘They will attack the nearest large town.’

  Lady Goodroom nodded. ‘That’ll be Perth.’

  Roger clenched his fists to stop his hands trembling. Perth was his home – where his mum and little sister were.

  The Jaguar car was still burning as Roger, Maddie, Moss and Lady Goodroom approached.

  ‘Maddie, dear,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Go and look in that truck over there. See if Barnstorm and Tobias left the keys in it. We’ll look for the hammer.’

  ‘OK,’ said Maddie, scampering over the heather towards the truck.

  ‘Where did you drop the hammer, Roger?’ asked Lady Goodroom, shielding her face from the heat.

  ‘I had it in my right hand,’ said Roger. ‘I was holding the car door open with my left and I let go of everything when the car rolled. But I’m fairly sure I saw it fall out.’ He looked at Lady Goodroom and then dropped his eyes. ‘I’m sorry I let it go. I thought I was going to die.’

  Lady Goodroom hugged Roger to her large bosom. ‘So did I, Roger. I thought I was going to die too. I was very frightened.’ She released him and held him at arm’s length. ‘Don’t tell anyone.’

  ‘I won’t.’ Roger nodded.

  ‘Come on, then,’ said Lady Goodroom, and she began searching the flattened grass where the car had rolled. ‘Let’s hope the hammer did fall out of the car.’

  Roger and Moss joined the search.

  ‘Oh, and Roger,’ said Lady Goodroom, pulling at broken heather. ‘Something else very important.’

  ‘What?’ asked Roger, looking up.

  ‘Don’t ever tell anyone that you saw my knickers, or what happened, you know.’ Lady Goodroom jerked her head. ‘Back there. Promise?’

  ‘I promise,’ said Roger, trying not to laugh.

  ‘Do not talk of knickers,’ said Moss. ‘We are interested in the location of the hammer, not knickers.’ He searched on, muttering to himself: ‘Undergarments are not for discussion when we are questing.’

  ‘Doors locked,’ said Maddie, arriving back. ‘Climbed up and looked in, but couldn’t see any keys. I could smash the window, but I don’t think they’re inside.’

  ‘No,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘It was a long shot.’

  Just then, a glint of something metallic in one of the bushes near the torn-off car door caught Roger’s eye. He slipped his hand into the bush and lifted out the hammer.

  ‘Got it!’ he shouted. He felt an enormous sense of relief.

  ‘Well done,’ said Lady Goodroom.

  ‘Yes, well done, Roger,’ said Moss, taking the hammer from Roger and examining it thoroughly before handing it back. ‘Now we follow the battle march and attempt to destroy the Doomstone Sword, again.’

  Lady Goodroom blew out her cheeks and sighed. ‘I’m not sure that I could walk that far, Captain. It looks pretty rough-going. Thought the truck would have been easier for us.’

  ‘We must go,’ said Moss. ‘We cannot end the quest to save human race. Once Perth is destroyed and human blood is spilled, there is no way to stop what follows.’

  ‘I know,’ said Lady Goodroom, pointing vaguely. ‘It is just that I’m a little too short of breath to walk over all that, never mind catch up with them.’

  ‘I’ll help you,’ said Maddie. ‘You can lean on me if you like.’

  ‘Thank you, dear,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Not sure that I’ll get very far, though.’

  ‘I’ve got an idea,’ said Roger.

  They all looked at Roger.

  ‘Why don’t we walk back to where we came in,’ continued Roger, ‘and take the road down to Fowlis Wester, then the main road. It’s not that far and it’s nearly all downhill and it’s not grass. Once we’re at the main road we could get a lift. If we’re very lucky we might be in Perth before the giants and dwarves.’

  Lady Goodroom and Moss MacFearsome looked at each other.

  ‘Yes,’ said Moss. ‘Good. We go, now.’

  ‘Clever Roger,’ said Maddie, and she punched him on the arm.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Roger, frowning and rubbing his arm.

  CHAPTER

  Twenty-one

  When they reached the road, Roger could see four children facing him beside the open gate. Four bikes were propped against the gateposts.

  ‘Hello, children,’ shouted Lady Goodroom. ‘Nice day.’

  There was no reply from the two boys and two girls.

  ‘Out for a cycle in the countryside on a lovely Sunday?’ yelled Lady Goodroom in an even louder voice. She glanced at her watch. ‘You’ll be going for lunch soon. I wonder if you would do us a small favour before you go?’

  The children did not speak. They stood absolutely still. Their eyes were wide and their faces were pale.

  ‘Well, this is nice,’ said Lady Goodroom, stopping in front of the children. ‘I’m Gwendolena. This is my friend, Moss. And this is Maddie, and Roger – they are children, like yourselves, well, maybe a little older.’

  ‘Can we borrow your bikes?’ Maddie asked quickly.

  The children did not move.

  ‘Can we, please, borrow your bikes?’ asked Roger. ‘We only need them for a short time. We’ll give them back.’

  The children did not speak. They just stood staring blankly at the sky.

  ‘Answer!’ snarled Moss.

  One of the girls slowly raised her hand and pointed. ‘Gi-gi-giants,’ she stuttered. ‘I saw giants.’

  ‘Drag-on-ons,’ said one boy, trembling. ‘I saw...’

  ‘Dwaffs!’ said the other, younger boy, smiling happily. ‘Millions and millions of dwaffs.’

  ‘What about dwarves?’ Moss stepped closer and gripped his axes.

  ‘I’ve wet my pants!’ shrieked the last girl, and she turned, ran down the path and vanished round the corner. The other children scampered after her.

  ‘Stupid, ugly human children,’ said Moss as he watched the last child disappear.

  ‘Why are you always calling us ugly?’ Roger spun round and glared at the dwarf. ‘We are not ugly. You are ugly.’

  ‘Ugly?’ Moss looked bewildered. ‘Us? You must be lunar. You are an ugly race with your smooth, bland outer skin. You lack character. You have nothing on your faces, just ugly plainness.’

  ‘Listen, you!’ shouted Roger. ‘I’ve had enough from a wizened little prune like you. Just shut up about us being ugly!’ He paused for a moment, and then shoved a finger furiously in the dwarf’s direction. ‘You can’t even explain things properly! And you talk gibberish most of the time. You say stupid words!’ Roger took a deep breath. ‘They were going to kill me back there! But you couldn�
��t help because of a stupid sword, with its stupid powers. You’re worse than us humans – much worse!’

  ‘Do not dare to call the Doomstone Sword stupid!’ snarled Moss, pointing a stubby finger back at Roger. ‘And you did not assist when I was buried under the castle roof!’

  ‘I tried,’ roared Roger. ‘And I saved you from getting an axe in your head, by stabbing Leatherhead in the leg!’

  ‘I pushed you to safety when the top of the room fell on you,’ bellowed Moss.

  ‘That’s enough!’ said Lady Goodroom, stepping between the shouting boy and dwarf. ‘From both of you. Again! Are you mad? We have a job to do. Stop this stupidity at once. Different is not ugly. It’s just different. Now, pick a bicycle and be quiet, or I’ll smack both your bottoms.’

  Glowering at each other, Roger and Moss picked out two bikes. Lady Goodroom chose the largest. Maddie took the last and moved over to stand beside Roger.

  ‘Oh, what a temper you’ve got, Roger,’ she whispered out of the corner of her mouth. She giggled. ‘Standing up to the dwarf champion! I’m going to call you Rog the Destroyer.’ She clasped her hands under her chin and fluttered her eyelashes. ‘My hero,’ she sighed.

  ‘Don’t call me Rog,’ said Roger, still angry but trying not to laugh. ‘My name is Roger. And I’m not getting any braver. He just gets me so mad, sometimes. And stop doing that, it’s not funny.’

  Maddie laughed. ‘Roger the Mad Warrior, then. But you’re still my hero.’

  ‘Maddie!’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Behave! Don’t tease Roger.’ She straddled her child-sized bike, with a little difficulty. ‘Right,’ she said, when all four were astride their bikes. ‘Moss, you go first, then Roger, then Maddie. Make sure you keep your brakes on down the steep part. When we get to the village we’ll leave the bicycles and walk the next bit. Off you go, Captain.’

  Moss took his feet off the ground and held them out to the side, away from the pedals. He moved forward, began to wobble, gained speed, wobbled again and began to head downhill.

  ‘Steer,’ screamed Lady Goodroom.

  ‘Watch the ditch!’ yelled Maddie.

  Moss’s front wheel dropped into the ditch at the side of the road. The bike swung up, throwing Moss out of the saddle, and spinning into the air. There was an anguished howl as he crashed through some bushes and disappeared.

  Roger, Maddie and Lady Goodroom dropped their bikes and ran down the road.

  ‘There he is,’ yelled Maddie, who was the first to arrive at the fallen bike. ‘In there.’

  ‘Captain!’ yelled Lady Goodroom. ‘Captain! Are you all right?’

  ‘Moss!’ shouted Roger. ‘Mossy!’

  Mossbelly MacFearsome was lying on his stomach in the middle of some bracken. He groaned, rolled on to his back and tried to sit up. His face was scratched, his clothing was torn and there was a small branch hanging from his beard.

  ‘What’s a prune?’ he asked, picking thorns out of his face and body. ‘Why did you call me a prune?’

  ‘It’s a plum with the juice squeezed out,’ said Roger, as he and Maddie clambered into the bushes and helped the dwarf to stand up.

  ‘Ah,’ said Moss, gingerly feeling his body and legs. ‘Then you are a plum.’ He stopped and pointed at Roger’s face. ‘A smooth shiny plum.’

  ‘Right,’ said Roger, and he paused before speaking again. ‘You can’t ride a bicycle, can you?’

  ‘No,’ said Moss.

  ‘You—’ said Lady Goodroom, standing on the road, watching. ‘You could have been killed. Why didn’t you say?’

  ‘If you can do the bi-cycle, I can do the bi-cycle.’ Moss shrugged off his helpers, walked back to his bike and picked it up.

  ‘No,’ said Roger, lifting his own bike. ‘Don’t be stupid. Come and sit behind me on the saddle. I’ll stand on the pedals and steer.’

  ‘I’ll do my own bi-cycle,’ said Moss.

  ‘Oh,’ said Lady Goodroom, ‘for goodness’ sake, stop this at once. Get on the back of Roger’s bike, now!’

  Moss dropped the bike and stood grumbling to himself, picking at things on his face and beard. He walked over and sat on the saddle of Roger’s bicycle. The bike creaked and the tyres flattened.

  ‘Hang on tight,’ said Roger, pushing hard on the pedals. The bike wobbled and then gathered speed as it moved downhill.

  Moss grabbed Roger round the waist and muttered: ‘Plum.’

  ‘Prune,’ said Roger, braking at the first corner.

  ‘Move along, children,’ said Lady Goodroom, as she and Maddie pedalled past them. Lady Goodroom’s legs were sticking out to the side and Roger could hear ominous groaning and rumbling noises as she swept past. He was unsure if the sounds were from the bike, or from Lady Goodroom.

  They arrived at Fowlis Wester and left the bicycles beside the red stone. Roger’s bike had a slightly bent front wheel and two flat tyres. Moss left four little piles of golden stones beside the three bikes.

  After a short walk they reached the main road running between Crieff and Perth.

  ‘Now all we need to do is get a lift,’ said Lady Goodroom. She looked up the road. ‘And here it comes now.’

  A bus was trundling along the road towards them, the sign on the front said PERTH. Lady Goodroom held out her hand and the bus slowed down.

  Just as the bus began to pull up, the driver leaned forward in his seat and stared out of his windscreen. There was an incredulous look on his face. He sat back again and the bus began to accelerate. Roger, Maddie and Moss shouted and waved, but the bus sped off.

  ‘What is the problem?’ said Moss furiously. ‘Why did that human not allow us to board his carriage? Is he dumpling-headed?’

  Roger turned to look at the dwarf. Moss’s face was covered in dried blood, his beard and hair looked like an explosion in an old mattress, and his clothes were torn. He was hopping about on the pavement waving an axe at the accelerating bus.

  ‘Put that away,’ said Roger, pointing at the weapon. ‘No one will stop if they see that. And hide yourself behind Lady Goodroom.’

  ‘Why?’ asked Moss.

  ‘Be quiet,’ said Lady Goodroom, stepping in front of Moss. ‘Here comes a car. Let me try again.’ She waved her thumb in the air.

  The car slowed – and then accelerated away as Moss’s head poked out from behind Lady Goodroom. More cars appeared. All did the same thing. As soon as the drivers saw Moss close up, they would quickly accelerate away.

  ‘It’s no use,’ said Lady Goodroom, pulling out a mobile phone. ‘I’m going to phone for a taxi.’

  A white van came into view. Lady Goodroom raised a hand and waggled her thumb half-heartedly. The van began to slow. The driver leaned forward and stared through the windscreen.

  Then the van stopped.

  The driver’s door opened and a thin man with tattooed arms jumped out and stood looking at them.

  ‘It’s that funny man,’ said Maddie quietly. ‘The one who brings our paper towels. He’s the one who smashed our fence.’

  ‘Hello there,’ said Wullie. ‘I was just on my way tae Auchterbolton Castle with a delivery. You’ll be needing extra after the do yesterday.’ He looked carefully at the four figures. ‘Are you needing a lift somewhere?’

  ‘Ah,’ said Moss. ‘It is a happy meeting to see you again, Wullie.’

  ‘Nice to see you again, wee man,’ said Wullie, walking forward and shaking hands with the dwarf.

  ‘Hello, Wullie,’ said Roger, smiling. ‘Nice to see you.’

  Wullie turned to Roger. ‘And you as well... ?’

  ‘Roger.’

  ‘Aye, Roger, right.’

  Wullie looked at Lady Goodroom. ‘Hello again, your mamship. I’ve got your delivery in the van? Special Sunday service for my special customer.’ He rubbed his hands together. ‘Eh, when I was at your games thingy yesterday, I met the boy and... what’s his name, the wee fella. He gave me some gold.’

  ‘How did you g
et that dent in the front of your van?’ asked Maddie, pointing. ‘Is that a bit of wood caught in the bumper?’

  ‘Eh... Oh...’ Wullie glanced back at his van and shrugged his shoulders. He held out his hand to Lady Goodroom. ‘Nice tae see you, your ladymam. Hope you’re keeping well?’

  Lady Goodroom shook hands with Wullie.

  ‘Would you have interest in more gold?’ asked Moss.

  ‘Ah surely would, wee man.’ Wullie let go of Lady Goodroom’s hand and looked at Moss. ‘You’re looking a bit rough, son. You’re all looking a bit rough. Ahem, what would I have tae do for some more gold?’

  ‘The human race is in the most grave danger,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Ogres have been awakened by a malignant gnome called Leatherhead Barnstorm. He has the Doomstone Sword and control of all the dwarves and ogres. He is marching on Perth. It will be destroyed. You’ve got to help us.’

  ‘Wullie,’ said Moss, ‘I am Mossbelly MacFearsome, Captain of the Royal Guard. If you do not aid us with transport, my Queen will wed another. Only the hammer the boy carries can defeat him. You must save my Queen from a fate worse than being consumed alive by a gundygut.’

  ‘Oh a-y-e,’ said Wullie very slowly, nodding in a knowing manner. ‘Righto. Mossybelly, eh? That’s a right... ehm, a right grand name, so it is.’

  ‘I think you owe us something,’ said Maddie, waggling a finger at the front of the van and doing a pretend whistle. ‘For a broken fence.’

  Wullie made a face at Maddie and then turned to Roger.

  Roger shrugged his shoulders. ‘There’s dragons and hundreds of singing dwarves and gorefiends and wizards and lots more.’

  ‘Will you help us, William?’ asked Lady Goodroom.

  ‘There will be great danger,’ said Moss. ‘Our lives could be ended. We could easily be killed dead to the ground.’

  Wullie looked at the anxious faces staring at him. He stroked his chin in an exaggerated manner, thought for a few seconds and then said: ‘Aye, nae bother. What do you want me tae do?’

  CHAPTER

  Twenty-two

  ‘So, let me see if I’ve got this straight,’ said Wullie, as they drove towards Perth. ‘I’ve to drive you through an army of dwarves and dragons and giants until I see a bad wee man with a big sword. Then the boy here, Roger, is going to break this sword and you’re all gonny give the ladymamship’s butler and the bad wee man an awfy doing?’