Mossbelly MacFearsome and the Dwarves of Doom

by Alex Gardiner

  ‘Ehm, more or less,’ said Lady Goodroom, trying to manoeuvre her arms into a more comfortable position. ‘They shot my husband, you know.’

  ‘Aye,’ said Wullie grimly, throwing the van round a corner. ‘So you said. I like his lordmanship, hope he’s all right.’ He gave a little laugh and shook his head. ‘You’ve got me as daft as you lot.’ He glanced down at Moss. ‘And how about you, Mossyman? You’re from the underground, you say. Is there lots of gold there?’

  ‘Gold is not an important issue,’ said Moss. ‘My Queen Gwri and the human race are only things to be thought about.’

  ‘Maybe for you, Mossyman,’ said Wullie. ‘But I could fair do with some gold before they take you away and lock you up.’

  ‘Wullie,’ growled Moss. ‘It is not fadoodle I tell you. All I say is true.’

  ‘Aye, right,’ said Wullie, glancing at Roger, who was wedged between Moss and the handbrake. ‘And how about you, son? You’re going to attack a dwarf nutjob who’s surrounded by dozens of wild wee men and giants and flying beasties?’

  ‘I’ll help him,’ said Maddie, stuck tight between her aunt and Moss.

  Roger was silent for a few seconds. ‘When you put it like that, it doesn’t sound like a very good plan, does it?’

  ‘No, no,’ said Wullie quickly. ‘It’s a great plan! One of the best plans I’ve ever heard. You’re all as mad as mince. But it’s a great plan! If there’s gold, I love your plan.’ He banged the steering wheel hard with his hands. ‘Wullie saves the world. What a laugh. Wait till ah tell the weans.’

  As they reached the bypass overlooking Perth, Lady Goodroom pointed to the side of the road. ‘Now, stop here. I don’t see anything yet. I think we’ve got here first.’

  Wullie pulled in and stopped on the hard shoulder. He turned and looked at Lady Goodroom.

  ‘Take us to the other side of the road,’ said Lady Goodroom, waving circles in the air with a finger. ‘We want to look down towards Perth, see what’s happening there. And if we are first we can see them coming down the hills on the other side.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ asked Wullie. ‘There’s an awfy lot of traffic about.’

  Lady Goodroom leaned round and shook her head at Wullie. Roger could see her chins were still moving after her head had stopped. ‘My good man, we are about to see giants and dragons on this road any second now. Do not worry about some traffic.’

  ‘Oh aye, right, missus,’ said Wullie, laughing. ‘Ah forgot about the giants and dragons.’ He put the gear lever into first and then pressed the indicator for a right turn.

  The van pulled out, crossed the two lanes and swung round. An articulated lorry thundered past, horn blaring.

  ‘There,’ said Wullie, pulling on the handbrake. ‘That you happy now?’

  ‘No,’ said Lady Goodroom, looking very pale.

  ‘Phew-eee,’ said Maddie.

  ‘Whistling toadstools,’ muttered Moss.

  ‘Could you not have looked first?’ asked Roger.

  ‘Ah did!’ said Wullie. ‘You were in nae danger. Well, maybe just a wee bitty. Anyway, tell me, Mossyman, where do you get your gold from? It’s a great trick.’

  ‘It is not trickery,’ said Moss. ‘All dwarves can, if they wish, change stone to gold. It is a thing of great simplicity. All you have to do is—’

  Suddenly the sky went dark.

  ‘What in the name—’ Wullie stopped talking as an enormous dragon glided down and landed on the carriageway. It flapped its wings several times, then settled and looked around. Fire trickled from the sides of its massive jaws and dripped on to the road.

  ‘Oooh,’ moaned Wullie. ‘I thought you were all raving nutcases. I was only after the gold.’

  ‘Don’t move,’ hissed Moss. ‘Turn the power off. It’s scouting for targets.’

  ‘It’s awfy big,’ said Wullie, as he switched off the engine and tried to hide behind the steering wheel.

  ‘That one wasn’t with them when they left Fowlis Wester,’ Roger whispered, sliding lower in his seat.

  ‘No,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘It’s new. They’re gathering as they march. Oh, and look at that.’ She pointed to the hills. Several ogres were coming into view. They were striding down, their massive feet slamming into the earth, smashing hedges and fences and kicking over stone walls. Behind them marched the dwarf army with Leatherhead Barnstorm and Queen Gwri at the front.

  ‘Actually, Ah need tae go,’ said Wullie, undoing his seat belt. ‘Ah’ve tae see the dentist – today! All day! He’s taking my teeth oot.’

  ‘Good, Wullie!’ said Moss. ‘Humorous bantering is a sign of a true warrior.’

  ‘I’m no joking, ya wee bam-pot,’ said Wullie.

  ‘Look!’ Maddie raised her hand and pointed.

  A small car was coming along the carriageway. It screeched to a halt and smoke poured from its tyres as it reversed at speed. The dragon’s head turned and its eyes glittered, then the dragon lifted its head and breathed out a pillar of flame. The car, tyres still squealing and paint blistering on the bonnet, shot back and crashed into another car. The driver’s door in the small car opened and a man got out. He ran across the road and threw himself over the crash barrier into a drainage ditch. Two men got out of the second car, scampered over the road and jumped into the same ditch.

  More cars drove up, some tried to reverse and some tried to turn. The panicking motorists crashed into each other, blocking the road.

  As the first of the ogres arrived on the dual carriageway, the great dragon flapped its wings and took off, flying towards a nearby football stadium. It circled the stadium, then swooped down. Fire shot out of the dragon’s mouth and the stadium building erupted in flames. The dragon circled again, as if inspecting its work, and then flew back and landed beside an ogre, who patted and tickled it under its chin.

  People were coming out of the houses around the burning stadium. They ran about shouting and pointing at the giant ogres and dwarf army gathering in the fields and on the road.

  The dwarves were lining up now in tight parade-ground squares. Ogres moved into the spaces between the squares, while dwarf wizards were positioning themselves beyond the outer squares. They were shouting and waving their arms in the air.

  ‘Spells,’ said Moss. ‘The Indestructabubble is forming. The dragons are flying to a safe height. We must move!’

  Dragons flew over the dwarf army and climbed at colossal speed before disappearing into the clouds.

  ‘What’s a—?’ Roger started.

  ‘Wullie!’ yelled Moss. ‘Move your carriage forward at once! At a fast pace, but slowly. We must be under the Indestructabubble, or we die. Go!’

  Wullie started his van, muttering to himself. ‘Go fast, slowly. What’s that about?’

  A deep rumble of thunder shook Wullie’s van as it crept along the road. Rain began to splash against the windscreen and rattle on the roof. Black clouds tumbled across the sky, then lightning flickered briefly, and moments later a louder peal of thunder boomed overhead.

  ‘Go further, Wullie, quickly!’ shouted Moss, waving a hand in a forward motion while peering through the windscreen. ‘The bubble is closing!’

  ‘I can’t see anything,’ said Roger, staring through the same windscreen.

  ‘Use your wink-a-peeps!’ Moss pointed a finger. ‘There!’

  Roger squinted hard. Then he saw it. A massive translucent bubble was forming in the sky. The top of the bubble was already there and the sides were rapidly falling towards the ground. Any moment now, the bubble would close up.

  ‘Go!’ shrieked Moss.

  The van sped forward, faster and faster. It slipped under the bubble just a second before the sides completed their descent and thumped into the ground.

  ‘Halt your carriage!’ Moss slapped a hand on the instrument panel. ‘Now!’

  Wullie stamped on the brake pedal, and the van skidded to a halt. He pulled on the handbrake. ‘Can you no’ mak
e up yer mind—’

  Thunder boomed overhead and the sky lit up as lightning bolts streaked down.

  Everyone in the van, except Moss, ducked.

  ‘Fear not,’ shouted Moss, as thunder rolled across the sky. ‘We are safely inside the Indestructabubble. Just!’

  ‘Oh my!’ Wullie gripped the steering wheel tightly. ‘What in the name o’ the... What’s happening?’

  ‘The war,’ said Moss. ‘It begins.’

  CHAPTER

  Twenty-three

  Thunder hammered Roger’s eardrums. A bolt of lightning hurtled down directly above the dwarves. It hit the top of the Indestructabubble, showering sparks into the air and cascading down the sides.

  ‘Ooooh...’ said Wullie. ‘Would you look at that?’ He reached to switch off the engine, but Moss slapped his hand away.

  The dwarves were unharmed. The massive, transparent half-bubble was covering the dwarf army and the surrounding area.

  Moss looked around. ‘Sound judgment, we are safe here. But keep the combustion engine on.’

  ‘Safe?’ Wullie glared at Moss, and then pointed through the windscreen. ‘Are you mad? Have you seen what’s out there?’

  ‘How can that be?’ gasped Roger. ‘How can that keep out lightning?’

  ‘It stops everything,’ said Moss. He jumped down from the seat. ‘Nothing can penetrate the Indestructabubble.’

  Another massive bolt of lightning lit the sky and huge sparks tumbled down the outside of the bubble.

  ‘No-o,’ moaned Wullie again. ‘This canny be happening.’

  ‘It is happening,’ said Moss, gesticulating at the scene outside. ‘Soon the lightning will be controlled by the wizards and they will be aiming it at the place of Perth.’

  Even as Moss spoke, the lightning began to move away from the Indestructabubble towards houses near the burning football stadium. Great explosions of earth marked its progress. The air was bending and shimmering as if being pushed by an invisible force.

  ‘What is that?’ Maddie’s voice was almost drowned by a thunderous explosion.

  ‘Waves of stopping power,’ shouted Moss. ‘From the bubble. Can stop anything: combustion carriages, flying machines, projectile firing weapons. Nothing can penetrate.’

  ‘What’s it made of?’ asked Roger, roaring to be heard.

  ‘The main thing—’

  ‘Never mind what it’s made of!’ Maddie screamed, hands covering her ears. ‘What are they going to do next?’

  The dwarf turned and looked at Maddie. ‘When lightning has destroyed everything in its path, the Indestructabubble is removed. Dwarves and ogres will attack under Leatherhead’s orders. The only thing that can halt the commencement of slaughter is the hammer in Roger’s possession.’

  Roger rubbed his face with both hands. ‘How... how do we get to the sword?’

  ‘We need to get closer to Leatherhead Barnstorm,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Drive forward, William. We’ll surprise them. Fast as you can!’

  ‘Just haud on a minute,’ said Wullie. ‘It’s been nice to see you all...’ He opened the van door. ‘But I’ve also got to see the doctor today, my chest, it’s awfy bad.’ He coughed a couple of times and started to get out of the van.

  ‘You...’ said Moss, chortling into his beard. ‘I love how you companionably banter at time of certain death. Should I survive and you’re slaughtered dead to the ground, I’ll see that the Wullie wife and weans have an abundance of golden stones.’

  Wullie sat back in his seat and closed the door. ‘Golden stones, eh?’ He put the gear lever into first. ‘Abundance? That’s an awfy lot, isn’t it? Well, ah’m no feeling that bad. I think I’m feeling better. I think I’ve shrugged it off.’ He fastened his seat belt, stepped on the gas and floored it.

  As the van shot forward, Roger took the hammer out of his pocket and held it tightly.

  The van gathered speed.

  ‘Make horn noise, Wullie,’ said Moss, slapping his hands on the front panel. ‘All make noise. Switch on the speaking-box, and use your shouting voices.’

  The van began to race along the carriageway. The windows were wound down. Everyone began screaming and shouting as loudly as they could. Wullie pressed the horn and switched on the radio.

  The van reached the first square of dwarves and swept past the startled faces. Ahead, Leatherhead Barnstorm and Tobias Undercut turned to face the noise. Queen Gwri was standing at the head of her army.

  ‘Aim there!’ bellowed Moss, jumping up and down on the floor of the van. ‘Strike there!’ He leaned forward and struck the fascia panel with both fists.

  ‘No bother, wee man!’ yelled Wullie, hunched over the steering wheel. ‘But watch the damage. That’s my living you’re punching.’

  Leatherhead Barnstorm raised the Doomstone Sword and pointed it at the van. A beam of brilliant white light shot out of the sword.

  ‘I canny see!’ Wullie yelled, shielding his eyes with one hand and slamming on the brakes.

  The van skidded right. It flew sideways and hit the safety barrier. Air bags exploded and Roger was thrown against Lady Goodroom, his nose squishing into her armpit. Moss flew forward and smashed head first through the windscreen.

  ‘That’s bad,’ said Wullie, from behind a deflating air bag. ‘The wee fella wisnae wearing a seat belt.’

  CHAPTER

  Twenty-four

  ‘Where did he go?’ Roger asked, staring through the space where the windscreen had been. ‘Do you think he’s... ?’ His voice trembled.

  ‘I’m no sure,’ said Wullie, releasing his seat belt and struggling out from behind the air bag. ‘I’ll have a look.’ He opened his door and jumped out of the van. Lady Goodroom, Maddie and Roger climbed out the other side. They were immediately surrounded by spear-wielding gorefiends.

  Roger could see Queen Gwri standing beside her army. Her face was completely blank, her eyes staring off into the distance. Leatherhead and Tobias, talking furiously to each other, were striding towards the prisoners.

  Queen Gwri’s head twitched. She caught Roger’s eye and gave him just the beginning of a smile, then quickly looked away again.

  Roger hooked the hammer into his trouser belt and pulled his jumper over it. It was ready, just in case.

  ‘Wait, gorefiends!’ yelled Leatherhead Barnstorm, the Doomstone Sword on his shoulder. ‘Do not kill them yet.’ He looked back at Queen Gwri. ‘They should already be dead! There is treachery here. I will have the truth of this before they die.’

  ‘The Queen betrayed you,’ said Tobias Undercut, as they reached the prisoners. ‘That is the only explanation.’ He hunched his massive shoulders and glowered menacingly.

  Lady Goodroom stepped towards her former butler and stared into his eyes. She turned her head and body slightly to the right, and then swung a punch at the butler’s face. Tobias staggered back, holding his nose. He tripped over his feet and crashed to the ground.

  ‘Betrayed?’ screamed Lady Goodroom, launching herself at the figure on the ground. ‘You shot my husband!’

  There was a noise like an over-inflated beach ball bursting as Tobias took the full weight of Lady Goodroom landing on him. They lay together for a few moments, wobbling precariously, then Tobias grabbed Lady Goodroom and flung her to one side. He stood up, face scarlet and nose bleeding. Roaring, he swung his arms across his body and stamped his feet.

  Maddie ran to her aunt. ‘Are you all right?’

  Wullie stepped forward and placed himself between the raging butler and Lady Goodroom.

  ‘Eh, just haud on,’ said Wullie, sticking out his chin. ‘Where I come from, you’re no allowed tae hurt lassies.’

  ‘Get out of my way,’ snarled Tobias Undercut, and he swung his right arm in a vicious sweeping blow at Wullie’s head.

  Wullie ducked under the punch, caught the butler’s wrist and pushed his other hand hard against the elbow now facing him. Tobias spun round, hit the crash barrier and
catapulted over it.

  ‘Well done, William!’ said Lady Goodroom, as Maddie helped her to stand. ‘Where did you learn to do that?’

  ‘Oh, I was in the army, mam,’ said Wullie. ‘Learned a lot about—’

  There was a roar as Tobias climbed back over the barrier. ‘You’re a dead man!’ he screamed, swinging his arms in the air like a demented gorilla.

  ‘Oh, fancy yerself, do you?’ Wullie raised his fists and started to shuffle his feet.

  ‘Careful, William,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘He used to be a—’

  Wullie danced forward and unleashed a flurry of blows. None of the punches seemed to have the slightest effect on Tobias.

  ‘Had enough, eh?’ Wullie danced from side to side, pummelling the big man’s head and body.

  Tobias grunted and swung his right fist in a wide circle, smashing through Wullie’s raised arms, hitting him on the chest. Wullie flew backwards, scattering a line of dwarves as he crashed to the ground.

  Two dwarves grabbed Wullie under the arms and lifted him to his feet. ‘Hit him with a rock,’ muttered one of the dwarves. ‘It’s the only chance you have.’

  ‘Use a big rock,’ said the other dwarf, wiping at dirt on Wullie’s trousers.

  ‘Ah don’t need nothing, just watch this,’ said Wullie, fists up, bobbing and weaving again.

  Leatherhead Barnstorm walked forward and swung the Doomstone Sword. The flat of the blade struck Wullie across the head and he collapsed without making a sound.

  ‘Enough!’ bellowed Leatherhead, turning from the unconscious man to Lady Goodroom, Maddie and Roger. ‘You’ll all have the sleep of death now.’ He waved the sword. ‘Ogres, to me! Wizards, remove the Indestructabubble!’

  Ogres began moving on to the carriageway. The dwarves, with Queen Gwri, remained standing where they were, staring straight ahead. Dwarf wizards scurried about chanting and waving wands. The Indestructabubble blinked off.