Notes from the Life of a Total Genius

by Stacey Matson

  theres 1 girl who i think is cool. her names Hayley and shes into art. shes hot, but shes pretty quiet. i think she has a bf tho. Shes always with this guy with died purple hair named dominic. Im 4ever cursed in love. just call me shakespear.

  Rob

  From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)

  To: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)

  Sent: October 19, 18:19

  Dear Robbie,

  Hayley sounds awesome. It sucks that she’s dating someone already. But you should have an edge, being the new, mysterious football player at the school. There’s no one here to date, either.

  On another topic, Kennedy got elected to the grad committee. She’s really excited. I think she’ll do a pretty good job of making it a good party. She’s already been coming into the Leg Breakers to get some candid photos of all the clubs for the year-end slideshow. Catie’s on the grad committee too. She’s as awful and mean as ever, so I try and avoid her at all costs. I can’t believe you used to like her last year! I hope that Hayley is a better human.

  My dad and I started fencing this week too. It sucks! It was all a bunch of footwork, and we practised going forwards and backwards for an hour, because in fencing you can ONLY go backwards and forwards. You can’t even turn your back on your opponent without losing a point. Not only that, but our fencing master (that’s what he calls himself) is this French dude named Didier (I call him Deeter), and all the commands and steps are in French. It’s really lame, and I asked him to do it in English, but he said that fencing is always in French. It sucks so much, but Dad said that we had to finish the beginner lessons, so I’m stuck until winter break. At least Dad seemed to hate it too. Hate brings families together!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Hey, Artie,

  Can you stop by my classroom today after school? Ms Kraleigh and I want to chat with you about your articles.

  Cheers!

  Mr. E.

  October 21st

  Dear RJ,

  I can’t believe it! I got called into a meeting today with the new principal and Mr. Everett to talk about my article about school IDs. Ms Kraleigh thought that it shouldn’t be printed, and she wanted to talk about respecting the school policies and the decisions made by those in authority. I told her straight up that I wasn’t being disrespectful, but that I thought her new policy was stupid. I couldn’t tell what Mr. Everett thought, but I figured he would take my side. After all, he said that I did a good job on my article. We even went over it on Friday together! He was silent through the whole thing, and just said that we would be working on our objectivity. I tried to explain to Ms Kraleigh that I used all the techniques I’d learned in English about writing a persuasive argument, and I figured that that would show her that I was a good student, but she didn’t care. Frankly, RJ, she should care. I’m not one who should be getting in trouble. It’s not like I’m smoking or skipping school. I bet I’m one of the most boring kids at Terry Fox (well, not more boring than April Rawlin; she is seriously dull). I barely have any friends. I don’t know if I’m madder about getting in trouble or what I got in trouble for. I’m the editor. Editors have opinions! That’s my job!!! What does she want? A newspaper full of lame articles about sports?

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Dear Hark,

  I started working on my play this weekend, and I wanted to get your opinion on where I started. I want to keep the dramatic tension really high for the whole thing. Can you give me some feedback or pointers on what I have so far?

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Draft Outline for Play Festival

  By Arthur Bean

  Scene One: Living Room

  Matt and Chelsey are fighting. They break up, and Matt leaves.

  Scene Two: On the Street

  Matt is sad, and on the street. He is confronted by a gang of six people. He thinks he’s going to be mugged, but instead, they kidnap him and take him to their secret lair.

  Scene Three: The Secret Lair

  It turns out the gang is actually a group of superheroes who need Matt, because Matt is inadvertently carrying a ring that makes him indestructible (it used to be his grandfather’s ring, but it’s been passed down through the generations). Matt tests out his new superpower, where the gang pretends to beat him up, and he is able to stop them. He learns that he needs to help them defeat The Great Evil, who is a demon who has risen to destroy humanity.

  Scene Four: The Training Room in the Secret Lair

  They train.

  Scene Five: The Demon Lair

  The team is ready, and they descend into the demon’s lair. The demon and his minions are there, and there’s an epic battle. Matt loses the ring during the fight, and he ends up in hand-to-hand combat with the demon, who doesn’t know Matt has lost the ring. Matt and The Great Evil both deliver killing blows at the same time, and both die. The gang that is left is relieved, and they return to the surface of earth victorious.

  Scene Six: The Living Room

  The gang goes to Matt and Chelsey’s house to share the sad news of Matt’s death. Chelsey is very sad, but accepts Matt’s grandfather’s ring. Then she says, “I will give this to our baby,” and rubs her stomach like she’s pregnant.

  The End

  Dear Arthur,

  Wow! This IS epic! I can tell that you thought a lot about completing the circle and have a defined conflict, like we talked about. Here’s something to consider: you told me about your experience in film; remember how different plays are. Major scene changes are a big problem for staging, and can interrupt the flow and the dramatic tension you’re trying to create. Think smaller, and think tighter. What story would you like to tell, and how can you tell it in one space? Consider how you could stage your play. Remember that we can’t have too many different sets backstage either; we’re all working together here to put on this festival! Creativity is going to be the key to world building!

  Otherwise, though, I want to see you develop this into a film script one day. It’s going to be amazing!

  Hark

  i got invited 2 a party tomorrow

  Oh. That’s cool. Are you going to go?

  ya, my mom said it was ok because i got a b on my English essay

  How did you get a B? You never

  get Bs.

  my true genius is shinning thru

  and my new tutor fixes everything 4 me. i think she has a crush on the zack attack.

  Or maybe that’s what she gets paid for.

  ya, maybe that too

  October 25th

  Dear RJ,

  It’s official. I’m being replaced. Robbie’s got his new football friends, and they even invited him to a party this weekend. This means I’ve got to make some new friends fast. I wonder if Ben is having a party. I should find out who is having a Halloween party. Maybe I should ask Ben to hang out one day. He’s in the Leg Breakers too and we make jokes that we both laugh at, so I know we have stuff in common. Or maybe Haruki. But he’s only in grade eight. I bet Kennedy is going to a party. I should ask her and then go. I don’t think you need to be actually invited to stuff. A party is a party, right?

  I wish I got invited to more stuff, RJ. No one ever invites me to parties. I know I’m not a geek, because nobody avoids me at school and they don’t make fun of me, but they don’t notice me, either. I’m told that you’re not supposed to care about what other people think, and I don’t, but I do want them to like me and be friends with me.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  The Trip

  By Arthur Bean

  Dennis Bruce was a high-powered businessman in the world of insider trading. He wore his Armani suit like a badge of honour, and carried his briefcase like a St. Bernard dog carrying medicine to sick people. People would see him and bam! They fell in love with him. He was the most popular insider trader New York had ever seen. He was a machine when it came to charming peop
le. He was literally a god on Wall Street. There was even a statue of him in front of his building, which never happens while you’re still alive.

  Anyway, Mr. Bruce was on his way to the airport to catch his flight to Paris. He had a meeting in the morning with all of the most important people in the world. He had to be there. His absence would be like a missing stitch in the middle of a cable-knit sweater. The whole thing would fall apart.

  But here was the thing about Mr. Bruce. He was a superstitious flyer. Mr. Bruce had a few rituals that had to be followed before getting on the plane. First, he had to zip his coat zipper seven times. Then he had to crack four walnuts with his nutcracker and eat them all at once. Since Mr. Bruce was allergic to nuts, he then had to stab himself with his EpiPen in the thigh. And of course, he had to have raspberry yogourt.

  Mr. Bruce was waiting in line for the Concord, which annoyed him. He never had to wait in line. He was in super executive first class; he should never have to wait! He was a bundle of anger and nerves, and was about to burst when he realized that he had forgotten his yogourt! Mr. Bruce jumped out of line, and ran as fast as he could down the airport. He stopped in the first gift kiosk he saw. “Do you have yogourt?” They didn’t. He swore at them, and tried the next store. They didn’t have any, either. He was getting frantic, like a ten-year-old girl waiting for boy band concert tickets to go on sale. Not only that, but they were announcing his name over the intercom; it was last call for his plane and they were going to leave without him. Mr. Bruce started crying. “I will DIE if I don’t get raspberry yogourt!” he screamed. He was a puddle on the floor of the airport. With that, a kind vendor came up to him. The vendor handed him a raspberry yogourt. Mr. Bruce sobbed in relief. He tried to pay the man $1000, but the vendor wouldn’t take any money. Mr. Bruce began his sprint back to Gate C to catch his plane.

  When he got there, there was no one left, and the doors to board were locked. He watched helplessly from the window as his plane taxied away. He zipped his zipper seven times while he clutched his yogourt. He watched the Concord zooming down the runway and lift into the air. BOOM! The plane exploded into a gazillion pieces.

  Arthur,

  Well done. Your understanding of irony is strong, and I appreciate that you used it twice in your story. You’ve demonstrated several examples of each literary device here to great effect and yet still maintained a strong plot. There is, however, one spot in your story where you’ve underlined a simile that is not a simile. See if you can find it!

  Ms Whitehead

  Dear Ms Whitehead,

  I would also like to note that I’m handing my story in two days early. I’m certain no one else in the class is as on top of assignment due dates as I am. I also want to say that I could have covered all of the literary devices in less than six sentences. Mr. Harker said that being brief is the soul of wit, which means my story would have been better if it were shorter.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  We actually got to use the real swords tonight.

  what were u using before? wrapping paper rolls?

  We weren’t using anything! It was all footwork.

  i thot u were quitting

  Not yet. Did you know the swords are electric? You have to plug them in to score any points.

  so the guy with the longest ex-tension cord wins?

  I don’t know, actually. We didn’t get to fight. Again. Seriously, I thought this could be fun, but it’s more like a sport. We just train all the time doing lunges and footwork. Deeter said that next week we’ll have our first bouts.

  whats that all a bout??

  A BOUT?!?!? HAHAHAHA i kill me.

  And you think I’m a dork. Do you know how many football puns I could make at your expense?

  im guessing you fumbled them?

  im on FIRE 2nite!

  JOGO: Costumes at Halloween

  By Arthur Bean

  Tomorrow is Halloween, and I want to put it out there that maybe we should all grow up and not wear costumes. I know some of you out there really love dressing up, but I think I speak for the majority when I say, “Enough already!”

  Costumes come and go. As kids, we dress up, we get candy. Then we get too old to actually be cute to adults anymore. We could still dress up, but you need a mask to cover your acne-covered face, so what’s the point? None of the kids’ costumes fit us anymore, and the adult ones look ridiculous. Face it, we’re done with costumes until our OWN kids are old enough to be embarrassed by the Mickey Mouse costume we pull out each year to hand out candy.

  So let’s be cool, guys. Let’s leave the Iron Man costumes in the closet for a few years. Feel like you’re missing a holiday? Arrival of Indentured Labourers Day is celebrated in Mauritius on November 2nd. We could celebrate that! But hey, that’s …

  Just One Guy’s Opinion.

  Hey, Artie,

  I’m totally opposed to your viewpoint (I’ve already got a killer costume from ComicCon), but then maybe you think I’m old enough to fit into your “geeky dad” category! On the flip side, I never did find someone to be the second half of my horse costume last year. I hope you don’t mind being the voice of the minority; Kennedy’s working on a really cool piece about Halloween costumes bringing out a person’s true spirit, so these two articles will make for an interesting edition of the Marathon this week!

  (On a different note, I never got your heart dissection analysis. Don’t forget to bring it to class on Monday!) (I was trying to come up with something heart related to joke about, but it was all in vein …)

  Cheers!

  Mr. E.

  From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)

  To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)

  Sent: October 30, 19:40

  Dear Kennedy,

  Are you going to any great Halloween parties? I’m totally torn about which one to go to!

  You probably thought I wouldn’t go to any parties because of my article, but I loved reading the draft of your article about Halloween costumes. It made a lot of sense. So now I’m back on board with Halloween. So let me know what you’re going to be up to, and maybe I’ll see you around this weekend!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  From: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)

  To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)

  Sent: October 31, 17:05

  Hey Arthur,

  Enjoy your parties! I don’t think I’m going to do anything tonight or this weekend. I never really heard about anything going on. It’s so stupid, but sometimes I think that I only get invited to things because Catie invites me. Maybe no one else likes me.

  I’m only kidding. Don’t mind me. I’m just annoyed because I didn’t make the senior volleyball team, and I just found out. So it’s probably good that I’m not going out this weekend. I’m going to stay home and wallow in candy and bad movies LOL!

  Kennedy :)

  From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)

  To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)

  Sent: October 31, 17:57

  Dear Kennedy,

  I would have made you captain of the team. I can’t believe you didn’t make it! Do you want me to write an article about the shady recruitment practices for the school sports teams? I bet there’s a lot of dirt to dig up!

  If you want some company, I could come hang out.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  October 31st

  Dear RJ,

  No response from Kennedy. What does that mean? Why didn’t she respond yet? Should I text her with the same stuff? I never text her, so that might be weird. But why didn’t she respond? I ALWAYS respond to emails.

  You know what? It’s fine. I don’t care. (Maybe if I write that enough it will become true.)

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  NOVEMBER

  From: Von Ipo (thenexteastwood@hotmail.com)

  To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmai
l.com)

  Sent: November 1, 18:03

  Hey, Artie!

  LOVED your article about costumes. I am in total agreement with you, man. I hate coming up with a costume every year.

  Anyways, I was wondering if you have Kennedy’s number. I wanted to text her and ask her to be in my play. I don’t know if she’ll do it, she might be too busy with grad committee. Actually, you know what? I’ll ask her at our meeting next week. I don’t know why more guys didn’t run for grad committee. I’m totally outnumbered there. Not that I mind. The chicks are so hot!

  What’s your play about? I’m thinking that mine will be about the illuminati, or maybe about terrorists. Maybe we could hang out and I could help you come up with a cool idea. Let me know. I’ve got hockey this weekend, but I’m around Sunday night.

  Von

  From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)

  To: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)

  Sent: November 4, 18:11

  Dear Robbie,

  I don’t know why I’m writing. I didn’t do anything this weekend. There’s nothing new happening here. How was your party?

  I’m supposed to do homework, but instead I was looking up fencing rules online. Did you know that there’s no slashing in fencing? Well, there actually is, but Deeter is only teaching us foil. There are three different types of fencing, and we only get to try the hardest one. It’s so much work, and foil fencing is so picky. You have to hit your opponent only in the chest for it to count for anything. Not only that, but my dad makes us take the bus to the gym because you have to pay for parking there, so then after we are definitely the smelliest guys on the bus. I hate smelling bad. It’s one of the top reasons that I don’t do sports.