Notes from the Life of a Total Genius

by Stacey Matson

  How was your Halloween party? There weren’t any parties at all this year. It’s always that way when Halloween is on a weekday. Was Hayley there? Did you talk to her?

  Did your team make the football provincials? It’d be cool if you got to come up to Calgary with your team. I would even come to your game. I could interview you too, because I need someone with football knowledge for a story I want to write. It isn’t really about football. It’s about a group of girl cheerleaders who kill the school quarterback.

  See? This is how bored I am. I’m writing stories where you are the protagonist. Talk about desperate!!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Assignment: Novel Study — Dystopian Fiction

  Calling all Hunger Games fans! Our group novel study will focus on the dystopian genre.

  You have a choice: you can read The Chrysalids by John Wickham, How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff, or House of the Scorpion by Nancy Farmer. I don’t want to hear any complaints: I’ve chosen these books based on the reading surveys you filled in last week! Each novel’s specifics will give us a lot to discuss in class, so I expect you to actively participate in class debates.

  The setting of a dystopian novels often focuses on a utopian vision for society, a vision that has gone wrong.

  In a paragraph or two, describe what utopia is to you, and reflect upon how that could become a dystopia.

  Due: November 12

  Did you guys get today off too? It’s so weird to be off on a Monday.

  ya we’re off but im meeting some of the guys to practice cuz our playoff game is sat

  Cool! I bet you’ll win.

  i dout it the other teams relly good

  Maybe my dad will want to drive down and we can watch it. It’s not like I’m doing anything this weekend!

  ya if u want

  What else is new? School here kind of sucks. The new principal hates me. I’ve decided to hate her on principle. Ha! Get it?

  Maybe I’ll go to a movie. Have you seen anything recently?

  Oh yeah. And Catie started dating Jeff Wong but then she kissed his stepbrother and Jeff saw it and he dumped her. So she’s pretending to be heartbroken and running out of class crying all the time. I think she’s just found a way to get out of French.

  No response?

  I guess you already went to practice.

  I’m basically talking to myself then.

  Well, then, I say, Arthur, old chap, you are a smashing gent.

  (I was probably a British gentleman in a past life.)

  Well, I have to go too. I’ll let you know if we can come down for the weekend!

  Assignment: My Utopia

  By Arthur Bean

  My idea of utopia is a world where everyone gets a chance to express their opinion without getting shot down by those in charge; this would be number one. I think that school would only happen four days a week, and no one would be super poor or super rich. In my utopia, there would be libraries without late fines. I would also get rid of bedbugs, because they creep me out; my old next-door neighbour Nicole got bedbugs in her suitcase while she was travelling, and then they infested her house and she got bitten everywhere; it was so gross that I didn’t want to sit down anywhere when we went to visit her. Since I’m getting rid of things, I would get rid of mosquitoes too; I don’t see the point of keeping them around. And fruit flies; they can go too.

  I was going to say that there would be no death in my utopia, but that’s crazy and definitely one way to make the world a dystopia; in fact, I thought of so many things that would make the world better, but I looked up utopia in the dictionary and it said that it actually means “no place,” so it can never really exist; I think that’s why my utopia is a dystopia. It just gets people’s hopes up that life will be perfect, and I can say with total certainty that that’s just not true.

  Arthur,

  I’m pleased to see that you took some extra time to research the word. On the whole, you start off strong, looking at global qualities, rights and freedoms, but you take a wrong turn when you focus on minor qualities like bedbugs. The story about your neighbour is unnecessary, and it doesn’t add to your argument. Remember to stay focused on the task at hand, and to develop your ideas with more insight and reflection on why those things would make for a better world.

  Also, I appreciate that you are practising your use of the semi-colon, but remember that it isn’t always the best type of punctuation to use. A good writer uses a variety of sentence lengths to keep the reader engaged. There’s nothing wrong with having short sentences!

  November 16th

  Dear RJ,

  I had asked Dad if we could go to Lethbridge for the weekend to see Robbie play football, but we couldn’t because he had signed up for a silent meditation practice. Like he needs to practise being silent. The guy barely talks as it is! So instead, I am stuck at home, AGAIN. I complained, but Dad said that I should go out and do something. I reminded him that generally fourteen-year-olds don’t hang around outside by themselves, and not only that, it’s windy and rainy and minus a thousand outside. So he convinced me to go to the movies by myself.

  WORST IDEA EVER. Dad said that it would be fine and that no one would know because the movie theatre was dark. But as soon as I walked in, Kennedy and Catie were there, right in front of me in line! I thought about pretending not to see them, but as soon as Kennedy turned around, I couldn’t very well ignore her. She asked who I was there with, and I couldn’t think of someone fast enough, so I said that I was there with my cousin Luke. Then she got all excited, and said that she had never met Luke and asked if we wanted to sit with them. I said that we probably weren’t going to see the same movie. So she asked what movie. And the only options at the matinee were the new Avengers movie, some kind of weird biopic about a guy from Denmark and an old people’s romantic comedy starring a bunch of eighty-year-olds reliving their youth on a bus tour (remind me, RJ, to only make good movies when I’m famous). Kennedy looked confused, so I said, “We’re going to the old people movie.”

  She laughed and asked me why, and I couldn’t come up with anything good, so I repeated a line that my mom used to say all the time. “Because I love Diane Keaton,” I said. “She’s underappreciated as an actor, but she’s got the chops.”

  RJ, I don’t even know what that means! I was so nervous. Catie gave me a look like I was the loserest (not a word, I know) person ever. And then I had to buy my ticket while they were standing beside me, so I got two tickets to the old person movie. And then Kennedy asked if Luke was in the bathroom since I was buying two tickets, so I had to say yes. So there we were, the three of us, waiting in the lobby for a guy who was never going to show up. After ten minutes, Catie lost it and said that they were going to miss the previews, and I said, “Luke must have diarrhea,” and Kennedy looked totally disgusted, but said, “I hope he’s okay.” I’m sure that Catie didn’t believe me though. She has a sixth sense for that kind of thing. So they left, and then I was going to sneak into the Avengers after the previews and grab a seat, but I looked in and it was totally sold out. I had nothing to do for two hours until my dad came to get me, so I ended up watching the stupid old-person movie anyway. Diane Keaton sure can cry on cue.

  All this to say that I just spent double the price on a movie I didn’t want to see, and Kennedy thinks that my family is either imaginary or suffering from disgusting stomach problems and that I have the same taste in movies as a grandmother. Really great, Arthur. That’s the way to make an impression. I knew I should have stayed home.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  November 18th

  Dear RJ,

  We went to fencing tonight, and I didn’t even complain because there are only three sessions left. But, RJ, there were new people at fencing tonight! And not lame fifty-year-olds, either, but real people! These two girls who are both in grade nine. One of them even goes to my school! I’ve seen Camille (or I guess she goes by Millie? I neve
r knew that) around, but we’ve never really talked. And her friend Joie (she pronounces it Joey) is in the French school, but she’s not French, she’s Vietnamese (and apparently a lot of Vietnamese people speak French; who knew?). They said that they normally fence on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and that I should join their class because it’s way more fun. They are a bit weird in a kind of crazy way, and I didn’t really get most of their jokes, but they were nice to me.

  Do you think that means that they both like me? I hope not. I don’t want to ruin their friendship. But if one of them was going to like me, I hope it’s Millie. Then Kennedy would see us together and get really jealous. Anyway, having them at fencing made the class way more fun. They really get into the theatrics of the bouts, and I think they’re actually pretty good fencers too, which makes sense; they’ve been fencing for four years! It was so much better tonight having people to joke around with, RJ. Plus they made fun of Deeter to his face and he just laughed it off. So maybe fencing isn’t so bad.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  JOGO: Phones at Lunch

  By Arthur Bean

  The Terry Fox Jr. High administration has come down with another bizarre rule: no cell phones in the lunch room. Ms Kraleigh has decreed that the school is a place of learning and that cell phones being used during lunch promote cyber-bullying and lessen social interactions. Apparently, our phones are to stay in our lockers during school hours. Sure, I’ll give it to her that cell phones in class shouldn’t be allowed. Just because you can look something up doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t learn it in the first place. But extending the no phones policy to the lunch break? Why? I don’t see what the harm in having cell phones for an hour of the day could be. What if we have friends in other cities who are dying to know how we did on that tricky Math quiz? Or what if a fight breaks out about which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle carried which weapon, and the only way to make peace is to look it up? Worse yet, I don’t think Ms Kraleigh is looking at the darker side of this debate: What would happen if we ever have an emergency in the school? Leaving cell phones in our lockers does us no good. That’s why the majority of us have cell phones, isn’t it? In fact, lunch is when we are most at risk! More than 10,000 children end up in the emergency room each year because they choked on something, and 17% of these incidents are on hot dogs alone! You know how I know this? I LOOKED IT UP ON MY PHONE. But hey, that’s …

  Just One Guy’s Opinion.

  Hey, Artie,

  We need to chat about taking on Ms Kraleigh and the school administration in such an aggressive manner, before your piece is final. I appreciate that you are putting some thought into your editorials, but you need to work on the tone of them. I’m not saying that I want you to feel like a “phoney,” but let’s chat about how we can get your thoughts across in a calmer, more objective manner.

  Cheers!

  Mr. E.

  I’ve tried calling you a couple of times this week. Did you guys win?

  sorry man. been busy. didnt win, but we will next yr!

  Oh that sucks. It’s a good thing that we didn’t come down to watch then.

  ya i guess, u missed a cool party tho. my whole school was there, even hayley

  Did you talk to her?

  ya, shes cool. she thinks i should get a job so i can have freedom

  Freedom from what? You’re not in jail. You’re in Lethbridge.

  same diffrence dude. plus if i start working now, i can get a car next summer

  Then you can visit and drive me places! I fully support this car idea. I’ll start thinking about places you can apply. Do you want me to write your resumé?

  ya sure. make sure i sound awesome

  not that thats hard, cuz im pretty much perfect hahaha

  From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)

  To: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)

  Sent: November 24, 14:52

  Dear Robbie,

  I started working on a resumé for you and I looked up a bunch of ideas on the Internet, but you have to have had jobs for all the resumés I saw. Did you ever volunteer for anything? I thought you could put our movie on there, since it’s probably the biggest thing you’ve ever committed to before. And you need references, like old bosses and stuff. I figured you could use me as one of your references, since I know you so well, and I’m a pretty trustworthy guy.

  Have you thought about what kind of job you want to get? I figured you’d want something with art or football involved. The comic book shop in the mall is hiring for Christmas right now. Maybe you could move back and work there!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  From: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)

  To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)

  Sent: November 24, 17:09

  dude u didnt have to write it now. i thot i would get a job with an application form. and i only can work during the summer. my mom doesnt want me working and failing school.

  but ill be back during xmas break. calebs not coming back at all. he met some girl and now hes “in love”. he doesnt want to leave durring the break. dad is mad. (haha, im such a poet). i dont even know who would want to date caleb! she must be so desperat!

  rob

  Dear Hark,

  Here’s my play for the Leg Breakers festival. I took your advice and made sure that the cast was small, and that there was only one setting. I tried to keep the tension really high too, so let me know if it’s too tense. I wanted to make it tense but funny. I just watched Lethal Weapon with my dad, and I wanted it to be kind of like that, but still really different and more interesting at the end. Do you ever watch really old movies? I generally don’t like old movies, but this one was pretty good.

  I can’t wait to hear what you think! I really hope you like it!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  I, Spy

  A Play in One Act

  By Arthur Bean

  Characters:

  7 spies (1 is the captain, and two have to look alike)

  Setting: A secret location, inside a locked room

  (The captain is in the room, setting up the chairs and looking through secret documents. His cell phone rings.)

  Captain: Hello? … Yes, sir? … I’m about to find out, sir? … I’ve called them to a meeting? … I’m certain we will find him? … Yes, sir. Him or her? … Him or her … I’ll report back soon. (He hangs up, and smiles mysteriously.)

  (There is a knock at the door. The captain goes over, punches in a key code and the door opens. There are two spies at the door. They salute.)

  Captain: Put down your guns and fake IDs on this table and state your name and spy number. (They both put down their guns and badges.)

  Spy One: My name is Serpentine, number 58008. I think I should keep my gun. It has high-tech laser pointers attached, which are helpful for finding enemies, but also great when called upon to do a powerpoint presentation.

  Spy Two: My name is Rat-ical, number 007. My gun is actually four guns in one. I got it from the Swiss Army. It also has nail clippers!

  Captain: No guns on your person. I don’t care if they are Swiss. I am Captain Subtle. Sit down—there are three more spies coming.

  Serpentine: Sir? Can you tell us a little about why we’re here? Fill in the back story a little? Rat-ical has a very bad short-term memory.

  Captain: Right. I forgot that Rat-ical was involved in the memory serum debacle. Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to overthrow the newest dictator here in Canada in 2033. As the resistance, we’ve been successful on two of our four missions. But if we lose this fifth mission, it’s all over and we’ll all be executed … (He is interrupted by two more spies entering the room, laughing at a joke between them.)

  Captain (yelling): Excuse me—what are you doing?

  Spy Three (turns to Spy Four): Who’s he? (Points to Captain.)

  Spy Four (aside): Can you be a bit more subtle?

 
Captain: No he can’t. Because I am Captain Subtle, you fools. Put your weapons down and sit—you’re late.

  (Spy Three takes his gun out and tries to put it on the table; his gun is so big with many attachments that he fumbles with it for a while, then ends up just putting it on the floor. Spy Four pretends to put his gun down, but actually puts his gun back inside his jacket when no one is looking. It sticks out, but he pulls the jacket overtop of the gun to camouflage it. They both sit down.)

  Serpentine (to Spy Three and Four): Who are you?

  Spy Three: I’m Pink Panther and he is Mauve Maverick.

  Spy Four: No—I’m Pink Panther and HE is Mauve Maverick.

  Spy Three: You said I could be Pink Panther!

  Spy Four: No—you wanted to be Mauve Maverick because you like the movie Top Gun.

  Captain: ENOUGH! We have a mission to accomplish! (There is silence.) Good. Now, as I was saying, six spies have been chosen to carry out our fifth and final mission. But I fear that one of us is a mole!