Until Today

by Pam Fluttert

  I walk toward Sarah. “Sarah—”

  “No! You stay away from me.” Sarah points at me, backing out the door. “You’re making Amy leave.” She turns and runs toward the bush.

  A dead weight settles inside me at the thought of never seeing Amy again and handling another episode with Dad because Sarah has disappeared for the second time in a week. Why did she have to show up now?

  “Bye, Kat. If I see Sarah I’ll talk to her. I just need to get out of here.”

  “I’m sorry, Amy.” I’m not even sure if she hears my whisper at first, but then she pauses on her way to the door, and we stare at each other for a moment. It looks as if she is about to say something, but then she leaves.

  I struggle to comprehend that I’m losing Amy. Thanks to him!

  She walks away from me, in the same direction Sarah disappeared into the bush. I sink to the floor, drawing my knees to my chest and cover my face with my hands. The journal falls beside me.

  Amy was like a second mother, spending time with me, taking me places, and being here for me to confide in when I felt uncomfortable going to my own mother. Now she’s gone.

  If I were a stronger person, this wouldn’t be happening. I would never have let him touch me.

  I sit like this for a long time, my legs stiffening, but unable to move.

  “Hello, Kitty Kat.”

  I freeze at the sound of his voice.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I grip strands of my hair, fighting the urge to look at him. I can feel his cold eyes staring through me. I know he’s probably standing there, arms crossed over his chest with a smirk on his face. Flames of impatience and anger usually spark in his eyes when his voice takes on this tone. I’ve seen that look a thousand times.

  Did he see Amy leave? Is that why he’s angry?

  “Wh-what…do you want, Greg?” My hands are still covering my head, hiding me as if I were a frightened puppy. I struggle with the urge to scream at him. Don’t do it, Kat. He’d be furious. Just sit here and maybe he’ll go away. Go away, Greg. Go away. I rock back and forth in rhythm with the words going through my head.

  “Tsk, tsk, tsk, Kat. You know what I want and you haven’t been cooperating.” Greg’s voice slips into the soft, coaxing mode that he uses when he wants something.

  Please just leave me alone. Leave.

  His steps signal my doom as he approaches, and I’m nauseated by the familiar smell of his cologne. It’s quiet except the sound of our heavy breathing. I peek under my arms and see him looking into the corner. Picking up Amy’s ring up from the floor, he stares at it, turning it in his fingers.

  I push up against the wall as much as I can and hide my head deeper within the shelter of my arms. His steps come closer, heavy and determined, and he touches my arm. My skin crawls and a lump lodges in my throat, choking any protests.

  “Where’s my wife?” Greg’s voice is soft and soothing, as if coaxing a baby to sleep.

  “I…I don’t know.” I rock, trying to break contact with him.

  His grip tightens, preventing my rocking. “Don’t lie to me, Kitty Kat. You know I don’t like that. What is her ring doing here?” His voice grows louder and angrier with every word.

  Silence falls between us.

  “I stopped to drop some papers off, but nobody answered the door. And now, I come down here and find this. Where’s Amy, Kat? Tell me now!” He shakes my arm in frustration.

  I remain silent, my head still on my knees, my fingers tangled in my hair, trying to keep my face down and hidden. I’m shaking like a leaf from the force of his anger. Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything.

  “What did you tell her?”

  I jump and wince when he squeezes my arm hard and jerks it away from my head, causing me to pull out the strands of hair that were wrapped around my fingers. My heart pounds and my body tenses until my muscles burn.

  Greg yanks me so violently to my feet that pain shoots all the way to my shoulder. He grips my chin and tips my head up to look at him. Power radiates from this towering, red-faced beast standing in front of me, dwarfing me. The cold clubhouse wall at my back has me trapped.

  “N-n-n-nothing.”

  He lets go of my chin and clenches my other arm to lift me so I dangle above the ground. “Don’t lie to me,” he says, emphasizing each word. “You know what happens when you’re disobedient, Kitty Kat.”

  Please, no. I shake uncontrollably.

  Greg smirks, thinking he’s won. “That’s my girl. Now, tell me what you said to Amy.”

  Resentment boils through my veins. I hate him. A red haze forms before my eyes. I hate his smirk. I hate his tone of voice. I hate his hands. I hate his power and his ability to control everything. My fists clench at my sides, itching to make contact with his face so I can scratch his eyes out.

  Greg drops me, leaving me to struggle for balance.

  “It doesn’t matter. She’s always going to take my word over yours. I’m the perfect husband; she’d have no reason to believe anything you’d say to her.”

  Do I detect uncertainty in his voice?

  “She depends on me and needs me.” Greg starts to sound more confident once again, as he slips the ring in his pocket. “I’ll find Amy and fix whatever you told her. I’m always fixing your messes, Kat.” Greg touches my arms again, this time lightly rubbing his fingers up and down. I’m thankful for the cool weather and the bulky sweatshirt I’m wearing.

  “Right now, I think you owe me an apology, Kitty Kat.” Greg’s voice turns soft and husky. This is the voice I hate the most. This is the voice that haunts my dreams.

  Greg moves his hand to caress my cheek. “Come on, I don’t like to stay mad at you.” His hands are behind me, pressing up and down my body, pushing me closer to him. His breath on my cheek becomes heavier, sending waves of revulsion through me.

  I look away, trying to find the courage to put an end to this, but I can feel myself regressing into the disobedient little girl inside, prepared to take my punishment.

  My eyes dart around the clubhouse, searching for a focal point to distract myself from his hands. This was the only place I could come and escape from Greg – a place he’d never been in – until today. As if he hasn’t stolen enough from me, now he’s stolen my only haven.

  I struggle to block his musky scent by studying the signatures on the wooden table. I spy my journal out of the corner of my eye, a blinding reminder of everything that this man has put me through.

  Resentment flashes again. I remember Amy’s tears and the horrible emptiness I felt when she said she would probably never return. And then there’s Scott. He didn’t blame me for this. He said he would stand by me and always be there – and I promised never to let Greg touch me again.

  Scott trusted me and supported me, and I made him a promise. I made myself a promise!

  I shiver when Greg lifts my shirt and touches my skin, exposing me to the cool air in the clubhouse. Can I stop him?

  “No, stop!” I push against Greg’s chest. It’s like trying to budge a mountain.

  Greg ignores my plea and my shove. He’s so arrogant and sure that he can control everyone in his life.

  No more! He’s not going to control me anymore!

  With a burst of adrenaline, I draw in a huge breath and push at Greg’s chest, knocking us both off balance. I scramble away from the wall, toward the door of the clubhouse.

  Greg recovers quicker than I thought he would and grabs my arm.

  “Come on, Kat…please.”

  For once, I feel no guilt. I don’t owe him a thing.

  “No. I don’t want you to touch me.”

  “Okay, Kat. You’re upset. It’s okay. I even forgive you for whatever you told Amy. I know I can fix it for you.”

  Shaking my head, I try to pull
away, but he still has a hold on me.

  “Come here.” Greg’s voice is more firm now, but I continue to pull away. In desperation, I sink my fingernails into his arm.

  “You little—” Greg explodes, his face turning red.

  We both freeze when my dad shouts Greg’s name. I can see Dad through the clubhouse door, standing on the lawn, shading his eyes from the sun.

  For the very first time I can see a flicker of uncertainty in Greg’s eyes.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Greg’s uncertainty stokes my courage, replacing the cold emptiness that has been my constant companion. It chases away my fear. It dawns on me that I have the upper hand.

  “Down here, Dad.” My eyes remain fixed on Greg.

  “Kat, is Greg with you? His car is in the driveway.”

  Greg’s eyes narrow in silent warning. He wants me to tell Dad that he’s not in here. Squaring my shoulders, I stand tall; I will not lie for him anymore.

  I smile at Greg, enjoying the freedom from his control. But when I turn to leave the clubhouse, my arm is wrenched back. My head jerks violently, and my teeth snap together. Greg’s fingers are like a band of steel around my arm. He thrusts me behind him, and leaves the clubhouse, without looking back.

  From the window, I watch Dad walk down to meet Greg and clap him on the shoulder. Their voices drift toward me.

  “What were you doing down here?”

  “I was just chatting with Kat. I stopped by to drop off the papers.”

  “The trip was a success?” Dad turns with Greg to walk toward the house.

  Forcing my feet to move, I follow them.

  “It was. I have the information in my car. I’ll get it.” Greg glances over his shoulder, narrowing his eyes when he sees me following. Turning back to Dad, he says, “Better yet, let’s go for a drink to celebrate.”

  “No, that’s okay. You’ve been gone a few days. Leave the papers with me, and go home to Amy. ”

  “She’s not there,” I blurt out, without thinking.

  Dad looks back at me.

  “Was her car in the driveway when you got home?” I ask Dad, ignoring Greg’s glare.

  “No. Why?”

  “She was here to say—”

  Greg steps in front of Dad, blocking our eye contact. “Come on, David, let’s get that drink. I’ll track Amy down later. I have a lot to tell you, and I’d rather finish our business before going home.”

  Dad turns to walk to the house with Greg. Am I ready to tell him? Watching Dad walk away with Greg is hard to swallow. The frustration of defeat overwhelms me; I can’t do this in front of Greg.

  This is your only chance. Snap out of it! Don’t blow it!

  The image of Amy leaving fuels me. Greg has ruined so many lives, hurt so many people. I want him to suffer. I want him to hurt so much more than all the suffering he has caused.

  A shout draws our attention to the corner of the house as Scott barrels around the corner, shouting my name over and over. We all stand, shocked, until it suddenly dawns on me that this can’t be good. I step forward and yell at him to stop, but I’m too late.

  “You son of a—” Scott’s outburst is cut off as he launches through the air and tackles Greg to the ground.

  Greg recovers quickly and throws Scott off. Dad grabs Scott from behind and holds him as he scrambles to get up and attack again.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Dad yells, jerking Scott back as he lunges again.

  This can’t be happening. Please make this stop. Please let this all be a dream.

  Mom steps through the patio doors. “What’s going on? I heard shouting.” She shivers in the cool air, rubbing her hands up and down her arms. “David, why are you holding onto Scott?”

  I glance from Mom to Dad. Will they believe me? What if I never feel this strong again? I have to say something before Scott does.

  I shake my head back and forth. No! No, no, no, no, this can’t be happening!

  “Kat, what is it? What’s going on here?” My mom leaves the porch and hurries across the backyard. I look around and realize they are all staring at me. I must have cried out loud.

  Greg recovers faster than I do. “I’m sure this is a big misunderstanding. David, why don’t we…”

  “No!” Scott yells and jerks toward him again, but Dad manages to hold on to him. “You know damn well there’s no misunderstanding. You’re sick. You belong—”

  This is your only chance. Take control. I’m tired of being afraid and thinking I’m the bad one. I’m tired of being his victim. I’m tired of not fighting for myself.

  “Scott, stop it. Stop it, now. This is my decision!” I stare into his blazing eyes until he stops struggling. Dad’s arms relax, but he doesn’t let go.

  “Kat, what’s this all about?” Dad demands to know.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see Greg turn toward me. I can feel the anger radiate from him, even from where I stand. I focus on Dad and Scott, my heart beating furiously.

  “Amy is gone.” Did I just say that? “She couldn’t stand to see him again.” I point to Greg. The words tumble from my mouth.

  Mom gasps, and Dad stares at me, as if trying to decide whether he should believe me or not.

  “Do you know what she’s talking about?” he turns toward Greg.

  Greg chuckles and shrugs. “No idea, David. I talked to Amy on my cell just before I got here.”

  He did not talk to Amy. Amy was here, and Greg was looking for her. It’s just one more nasty, disgusting lie to add to the pile that he started when I was a child.

  “Kat, why would you say something like that?” Mom stares at me with shocked eyes.

  Scott begins to struggle again, glaring at Greg. “You snake!”

  My worst fear crashes down on me – my parents take Greg’s word over mine. I would expect this from Dad, but I had always hoped Mom would stand by me.

  My head buzzes and I try to fight all the second thoughts warring inside me. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want him to win. I want my parents to love me.

  “He’s lying.” I point toward Greg, unable to control the words tumbling out. “He’s been lying for years. Amy found out, and that’s why she left.”

  “Kat, that’s enough.” My father’s authoritative voice seems to waver slightly.

  I pace back and forth. “No, it’s not enough. He’s lying to you. He lies to me. He told me that I have to prove I love him…and that he loves me…and that I’m his special girl.”

  I stop pacing and plead with my eyes, desperate for my parents to understand and forgive me. Dad releases Scott abruptly. Scott stumbles from straining against the grip that suddenly isn’t there anymore.

  “He told me that I was a good girl if I did it, and that nobody would love me if I told. He told me it was my fault. He lied when he said that it’s okay for him to touch me. I was younger than Sarah is now that first time. I believed everything.”

  I choke on my sobs, no longer able to continue. I’m so tired. I collapse to my knees, covering my face with my hands. The emotions I’ve been holding in for so long pour out, like poison flowing from an open wound. A high-pitched screech escapes, releasing the pain and frustration that has been building for years.

  The echo of my scream dies away, and I raise my head to the tense silence surrounding us. Mom’s eyes are wide with shock. Dad’s mouth is open, his fists clenched at his sides. Greg is standing with his eyes closed. His smirk is gone.

  We are all frozen in time – statues – until Dad grabs Greg’s shirt collar.

  “You son of a bitch, what did you do to my daughter? What’s she talking about?”

  “Come on, David. I’d never do anything to hurt her. Your family is my family, remember?”

  “No,
my family is my family!” Dad’s face is red and his eyes bulge.

  Mom rushes over and pulls his arm. “David, let him go.”

  Dad glares at Mom. “Get back, Maria.” He uses his free hand to push her behind him. Scott takes her by the arm and moves her farther away from Dad and Greg.

  “Where the hell did you touch my daughter? What did you do?”

  “Oh, get real, David. Look at her. She’s a kid. What would I want with a kid when I have Amy? She’s lying.” Greg looks at me, a sneer on his lips. “She’s had a crush on me. I haven’t said anything because I thought I could handle it myself. She has even been trying to blackmail me. Amy knows all this. Let go and we’ll talk about it. We can work it out and get Kat the help she needs.”

  I draw in a deep breath and wait for Dad’s inevitable look of condemnation. Mentally I prepare for Dad’s response, sure that he will turn on me for saying such horrible things about his best friend. How will I ever face him again if he believes Greg’s lies?

  Fight for yourself, Kat. Take control.

  Releasing my breath, I rise from my knees and walk toward Greg and my father.

  My steps falter for a moment when Scott walks toward me, but I manage to keep going. Scott reaches for my hand. His silent show of support stokes my determination.

  I hold his hand but look toward my father and stare directly into his eyes. “If you think I’d lie about something like this, you don’t know me, and I’m not your daughter.”

  Dad gazes at me in stunned silence.

  Chapter Twenty

  Greg’s shirt collar is still gathered in Dad’s fist, but both of them seem frozen.

  “Daddy,” I finally whisper, unable to stand his silence any longer. I can hear Mom sobbing behind me. A tear falls from my father’s eye – something I’ve never seen before – and trickles down his stubbled cheek. I almost expect it to disappear into the recesses of my imagination.

  As if sensing how much trouble he may be in, Greg struggles against Dad’s hold on his shirt. The rest happens so fast, I can’t even say who threw the first punch. Within seconds, Dad and Greg are engulfed in a vicious struggle, the sound of their grunts and punches ringing through the air.