by Petrova, Em
“I don’t want to,” I confess. “But I can’t make any promises. I want to but I’m still finding my feet here. I devoted five years to my marriage and look where it got me. I’m just not sure I can give much right now. I already take enough from you.”
“Take all you want. I don’t care.”
I smile softly. “I know. I’m not saying no to us. I just can’t offer much right now.”
It’s ridiculous really, one minute I’m declaring I’ll never get involved with a soldier again and here I am in Nick’s arms. I guess I’m hoping just a little more time with him and we’ll both get over it. We’ll realize it’s just attraction and chemistry, and it will be finished. But part of me wonders if we’re not just heading for heartache. I mean it when I say can’t offer much. I can’t get serious, not so soon after burying my husband and I don’t want to be married to a soldier again. I’m not sure I even want to date one. Nick seems to think he’ll never go to war, but what if that changes? And what if he gets frustrated because he can’t? And takes it out on me? I shake my head to myself. No, Nick would never be like Rob but that doesn’t mean things would be easy. I’m just not sure I can handle the whole military life again anyway. The moving, the losing friends and having to make new ones. All the bureaucratic bullshit that comes along with it. Someone else always dictating your life.
“Hey.” He cups my jaw. “I’ll take what I can get, Sienna, but just so you know, I will fight for us. I want there to be an ‘us’. I’m not going to make it easy on you.”
Now why does that idea thrill me so much?
I fidget in his hold, the intensity suddenly too much. “Come on, let’s get some food.”
I sense his reluctance as he releases me, but I appreciate that he does let me go. He lays back, arms behind his head as he watches me untangle myself from the sheets and walk to my closet to dig out my dressing gown. Nick looks insanely sexy against my purple sheets, his blonde hair tousled, chest completely on display for me. All those ripples practically beg for me to lick my tongue along them.
Self-consciously I shrug into my fluffy robe. “You coming?”
“I was just taking a moment to enjoy the view.” He flashes me a grin.
I roll my eyes and try not to simper under his attention. I can’t help it. Somehow he makes me feel so sensual and beautiful. Throwing my chin up, I stride out and pray he can’t see my embarrassment.
By the time I start inspecting my fridge, he’s by my side, sitting casually on a bar stool in only his jeans. He might have run his fingers through his hair but he still looks like a guy who’s just had a very good time. I grin as he watches me carefully.
“What?” he says, leaning back against the breakfast bar.
“You look…” I can’t believe I’m going to say this, “thoroughly fucked.”
He releases a sharp laugh at my coarse language. “Well you look… thoroughly loved.” I snap my gaze back to the fridge as he stands and comes to my side. “Your lips are rosy and puffy from my kisses. Your hair is messy. You smell…” he wraps his hands around my waist and I feel the heat of his palms even through the material of my robe as he presses his head into the side of my neck and inhales, “like sex. Sinful and gorgeous.”
“Nick, behave,” I scold playfully.
“You don’t make it easy.” He draws back. “This,” he skims a finger over my neck, “I don’t like. Does it hurt?”
“My neck?” I place a hand to it. God, I’d almost forgotten all about it. “It’s tender.”
Releasing me, he sits down again. “I should have taken you to the hospital not made love to you.”
Love? That word keeps coming up. I wish it wouldn’t. Even as my stomach twists in excitement, it sends a shudder of fear through me. Too much, too fast, constantly plays through my mind.
“I’m okay, honestly. It will probably hurt more in the morning.” I still keep my gaze on the contents of the fridge, though I’ve got no idea what I’m looking at or what I’m going to cook.
“Fainting is not okay. Maybe we should still get you checked over.”
“I didn’t faint because of what happened… well I did… but, look, I was just real scared.” I release the fridge door and face him.
The concern in his expression saddens me. I always secretly longed for Rob to show some kind of concern for me but he was so indifferent throughout most of our marriage. Now I’ve got someone who genuinely cares for me, I don’t know what to do with it. I gulp as I consider the fear I felt earlier. Guilt, sharp and strong, strikes me in the heart, makes me feel slightly nauseated. It must show on my face because he scowls.
“What’s going on, Sienna?”
Damn, am I that easy to read?
“Nothing… it’s just…” I’ve been longing to tell him for so long. No one knows what Rob did to me, how much he terrified me. Even Nick didn’t understand what had pushed me to finally think about leaving Rob. But he’s been so honest with me. His words to me earlier about how he felt about his job, his injury—they must have cost him. Nick is essentially the most honest guy I’ve ever met but even he doesn’t want to be seen as weak. Talking about his injury had to have been difficult. You see so many inspiring guys, who strive on past their injuries… you can’t be the one guy who complains about it.
I draw on my courage. If anyone deserves the truth, it’s Nick. He needs to know everything, to understand why I’m so damaged. Pressing my lips together, I shut the fridge and clasp my hands together.
“When that guy grabbed me, it brought back memories I’d rather forget.” I sigh. “You know I was going to leave Rob?” He nods, brow still furrowed. “He did something… and I knew I couldn’t stay anymore, that there was no point in trying.”
His eyes darken and I see his muscles bunch. “What did he do?” he asks tightly.
“He tried to strangle me,” I reply quietly as I stare at my hands.
“Shit,” he whispers.
“I don’t know exactly what I did to trigger it. He was drunk as usual. Maybe I argued back too much or whatever, but he wrapped his hands around my neck and squeezed real hard.” I shake my head and crush my hands tighter. “I thought I was going to die.”
I glance up to see him running his hands through his hair. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“He was your friend. And I felt… like a failure. I’d tried so hard and now I was giving up. Everyone says no one tries at marriage anymore. I used to look at people who had divorced and wonder why they didn’t work for it. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit I’d forced Rob over the edge.”
I’m still staring at the floor when he stands and his bare feet come into my vision. He tugs me into a fierce embrace, almost crushes me against that powerful torso.
“You should have told me.” He presses my head against his chest and the thump of his heart is loud and steady. I like listening to it. “You should have told me, babe,” he repeats. “It was never your fault. Never, understand?” He draws my face away from him and uses a finger to press my chin up. The vehemence in his voice surprises me.
I nod, unable to come up with a response.
“I scared you, didn’t I?”
I’m tempted to lie but I want to be honest with him and I think he can take it. Nick is the strongest man I know. “A little. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me but it brought back the memories.”
“Damn it.”
I expect him to pull back but instead he skims his lips across mine. His hands come up to cup either side of my head. It’s not a gentle hold but I feel secure, safe.
“I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but, fuck, if Rob was alive…”
“I know.” Of course I do. Honorable, chivalrous Nick. He never would have put up with it. Maybe that’s why I never told him. It wasn’t up to Nick to save me from my marriage. Though he’s saved me countless times since.
He drops his hands and drops a brief kiss to my forehead. “Come on, let’s sort something out to eat. I am starving.�
�
I giggle as his tummy grumbles on cue, pleased the mood has lightened, if only for a while. We’ve got a lot of things to address, including the fact that I was nearly killed over a drug stash I know nothing about.
***
Nick clears away the plates from the breakfast bar and I observe. He has a flannel shirt on now but he looks no less gorgeous for it. Slightly open at the neck, I have a good view of the tanned skin beneath. My fingers tingle at the memory of touching it.
“Thanks for a great meal,” he says as he loads the dishwasher.
“Hey, you did half of it.” I try not to smile at the memory. Cooking with Nick was certainly an experience. He’s not the best of chefs but I enjoyed it. I’ve never cooked with a man before and though he got under my feet, we still created a mean steak and homemade fries with salad.
He eyes me under his brow as he finishes filling the dishwasher. “I chopped some vegetables. Not exactly ‘cooking.’”
“Well I appreciated the help.”
“Liar.”
“Okay, I enjoyed you helping!” I hold up my hands. “Even if you did get in the way a little and burn the steaks just a tad.”
He wipes his hand on a towel and saunters over to stand in front of me. He towers over me, giving me time to trace the outline of his muscles testing the seams of his shirt. My body pulses as a flutter of need dances through me. I can’t believe I want him again already.
“Give me a barbeque over an oven any day.” His voice is light but when I meet his gaze I see the same need reflected.
It’s getting dangerous. I need to get my head straight. Figure out what’s going on with Nick and all the strange things that have been happening to me. Lusting after him is not going to help. I stare at the countertop.
“The guy who attacked me said he’d take pleasure in killing me,” I say quietly.
Nick takes a step back and sinks onto the bar stool. The whimsical mood has gone but there’s only so long I can revel in whatever the hell this is between us. I’m forgetting about real life and I need the distance.
“If you don’t return the drugs,” he says simply.
“Yeah, I’m guessing so, but, shit, Nick, I’ve no idea what’s going on. I don’t have any drugs and I certainly never found any when I moved out. Surely if Rob had some hidden away somewhere, I’d have found them?”
“You would think so.” He rubs the back of his neck. “It must be a big stash if they’re resorting to threatening you and breaking and entering.”
“Exactly.” I throw my hands in the air. “I think I’d know if I was sitting on top of a load of drugs.”
“I don’t know. I can’t see Rob keeping them at the house. He was pretty keen on keeping you and the rest of his life separate.”
“So what am I to do? Just hope they believe me and leave me alone. The guy said this guy—Big John… no, Johnson—was going to be pissed if I didn’t hand the stash over.” I shake my head. “I don’t even know who that is.”
That’s almost the worst thing. Dealing with the unknown. Is it just some small time criminal or someone bigger? A mob boss or something? This kind of stuff is so far removed from my life, I just have no idea how to cope with it.
“I’ll ask around.” Nick grabs my hand and holds it tight. “We’ll figure this out, Sienna. I swear.” He stands and casts a worried look over me. “I’m going to pop back to base. I’ve got work stuff to deal with but I won’t be long. Don’t open the door to anyone.”
“I’m not stupid,” I grumble.
“I know you’re not. Just… just be careful, okay? Don’t go out and keep the door locked.” His thumb comes under my chin. “I mean it. If something happened to you…”
He doesn’t say anything more. He doesn’t have to. I feel the same. I don’t want to but I do. Which makes it all the more hard. Nick drops a light kiss across my lips and goes to get his sneakers. I watch his easy movements as he slips them on. Even with his injury there’s no awkwardness to his actions. A totally confident man. I envy him really. He knows what he wants and goes for it. I wish I knew what I want. I had it all planned out. Move on, become an independent woman. Maybe one day risk a relationship again. If I missed out on having a family, then so be it. That was the price to pay for protecting myself, though my heart hurts at the thought.
Heat pervades my cheeks as he glances at me and I know instantly what he wants right now.
Me.
“Lock the door behind me.”
I nod and wrap my arms around myself. A chill sweeps through me as the desire in his eyes dims, replaced with a stark look of worry. I stop myself from running to him and flinging my arms around his neck and begging him to stay. It’s better that he goes for a while and I can get to thinking.
With one more look, he’s gone and I get up and lock the door carefully. My apartment feels empty and cold without him. Once I’d made the decision to divorce Rob, I looked forward to my own space, to not having to tip toe around for fear of pissing him off and being on the end of one of his moods. Though he only hurt me the once, I hated arguing with him. He usually froze me out and pretended I didn’t exist if I did something wrong. Even when Nick had been angry, he didn’t do that. He argued it out, put across his point honestly. I can deal with that much better than I can deal with the taciturn way Rob would treat me.
I go into my bedroom and pick up my discarded top and jeans still covered in wine and throw them in the washing machine in the kitchen. How weird that the terrifying events of today are now clouded with heated memories of Nick peeling my clothes from me.
Pouring myself a drink and slumping on the couch, I try to peel back the layers of steamy visions to recall the incident with the skinhead. I need to figure out what the hell they want or I’ll never get my life back. I can’t believe even in death Rob is causing me hassle. I hate that I feel guilty when I curse him for creating so many problems for me. He’s dead and it was his fault but I shouldn’t be angry with a dead man. After all, he paid the ultimate price for his behavior.
And I guess I still question if there wasn’t more I could have done. Some kind of intervention. But Rob never exposed me to that side of his life. The drinking, the affairs and apparently the drug dealing. He kept us separate. It was like he wanted me in this little bubble. His perfect wife. When I wasn’t perfect, I might as well have not existed. Had it not been for the gossipy nature of many military wives, I may have remained in ignorance about the other women. Somehow, that was the least painful part of my marriage. I could cope with not being wanted sexually—well, maybe not cope—but it didn’t hurt as much as the indifference toward me as a person. It was the loneliness that really got to me.
And now I’m alone again. Why have I fought so hard for this? Would it be so bad to have Nick in my life? But of course I’d still have to deal with the isolation that being a military spouse creates. I blow out a breath and take a sip of my juice. Perhaps once we’ve burned our way through the chemistry between us, we’ll go our separate ways. I don’t want to lose Nick as a friend but I can’t bear the thought of not touching him again. I doubt I can fight that. I’m screwed either way really. Either I fight my need for him and never experience our amazing sex again or I give in and risk heartache.
I glance at the box still sitting in the corner of the room. Rob’s stuff. I still haven’t sorted it. I still haven’t sorted out a lot of things in my life. I suspect I’m moving too quickly which is why I’m so confused. Add that to the fact shit just got crazy and it’s no wonder my mental state is so messed up. Why Nick wants a part of this is beyond me.
I put my juice on the coffee table and kneel next to the box. Maybe I’ll find some kind of clue as to where Rob’s been hiding the drugs so I can get these guys off my back. I don’t even know what I’ll do if I find the stash. Hand it over to the cops I guess and pray these drug dealers don’t kill me for it. My stomach twists as my neck throbs in remembrance.
A tremor sweeps through me and my eyes grow hea
vy suddenly. I jump up and snatch my cell from the kitchen side. Although I feel guilty, I am definitely calling in sick for a few days. I’ve had enough excitement to last me a life time and I don’t want to risk these guys getting hold of me at work. I shudder as the chill increases. Damn, as much as I want my independence, I’ve got to admit, I am terrified without Nick.
Chapter Seven
Nick
I wake feeling odd and remember who’s sleeping next to me, and whose bed I’m in. I’m not sure why she let me sleep with her again. I didn’t expect it. I was bracing myself for another argument. I was waiting for regret. Thank God, she didn’t express any. Though she’s still wary, I think. Damn, I can’t believe Rob messed her up so bad. Why did I never step in? If I’d have known he tried to hurt her, I’d have killed him myself. I was so concerned about not interfering. If I had torn her marriage apart, would it have been for my own reasons or for her benefit? I could never be sure I wasn’t acting selfishly and I was so weak still. What could I offer her? Oh and don’t forget my stupid misguided loyalty to Rob… Yeah, I’m an idiot.
I roll over and study her—just look at her. She’s lying on her side, one arm tucked under her pillow. There’s a smudge of mascara or something under her eye from where she didn’t take off her make-up last night and her lips are still puffy from my kisses. She’s snoring slightly and it makes me grin. It’s a light snore, kinda cute. Maybe that’s just me… I’m sure as hell totally lost when it comes to this woman.
We made love again last night. Yeah, I’m damned sure it’s love-making now. We went way past sex yesterday. It was slow and sensual and then fast and frantic, and one of those kind of soul joining moments that makes your heart ache. Geez, now I sound like a fucking poet. But then I’ve always been soft in the head when it comes to Sienna.
My stomach twists slightly as I consider where to go from here. I need to protect this woman but how can I protect her from the unknown? I’ve never even seen this guy who attacked her. I’ve seen the evidence though. I curl my fist at my side as I let my gaze follow the little bruises visible on her neck. It’s astonishing how strong Sienna is. She just fought off a guy intent on killing her and she’s still going. She seems to think she’s weak but how many other people would pick themselves up after shit like she’s been through and be so giving? Sienna gives and gives, at work and in her personal life. Sex with her is incredible. She’s so open, each reaction is so genuine. I’ll admit all those noises and facial expressions as I drive into her are pretty flattering to a guy’s ego.