Three Summers

by S. J. Sylvis

  He has one hand holding mine above my head and the other is slowly trailing down to my panties. His lips are distracting me as they, too, follow his hands, leaving small kisses everywhere he touches. I can feel myself start to build up, and he hasn’t even really starting doing anything. Once his hand reaches my panties, he pulls them aside and not even a second later I feel his warm mouth on my middle. I arch my back instantly and choke out a quiet moan, well aware that my parents are sleeping two rooms away from mine.

  Rowen licks and sucks and laps me up until I’m on the verge of coming apart. My toes are starting to curl, my insides turning to lava; he is slowly undoing every single part of me. He finally lets go of my other hand and I’m thankful because I’m eager. I’m eager to feel him inside me; I’m eager to feel that passion from the both of us.

  I sit up quickly and start to undo his belt; I’m proud at how fast my fingers move to get his pants off. Once they’re thrown on the floor, he’s only left in his boxers but I don’t waste a single minute. I push my fingers inside and strip him down, so he’s completely bare. I take in his length, and swell inside. The second I touch my palm to him, it’s like I’ve found my happy place again. His skin is so familiar as I stroke it, just like I used to. He’s already stiff as a board but the second my hand moves faster, he gets even harder. Watching his head tip back from pleasure almost rips me to pieces; not able to take much longer, I let go and pull my panties off so we’re completely bare on top of one another.

  I don’t even have time to argue about whether this is what I want. I know if I give in and listen to the pesky devil on my shoulder, she’ll tell me to stop before I give myself fully to him again, but I shut her up the second I pull Rowen’s body on top of my mine.

  “Are you sure about this?” He asks, and I nod my head quickly.

  “Are you still on the pill?” He whispers and I nod my head again, unable to speak. He mummers a “Thank God” and starts to inch himself into me.

  When we were younger, it always took time, we had to go slow, my tiny body not ready for his, but now… no. Now, I’m slicker than a damn slipping slide on a mid-summer day. Once Rowen is in all the way, whispering sweet nothings in my ear the entire time, my body soaks him in. He gives me a slow thrust and then replaces it with a hard one, slamming into me over and over again. He’s breathing deeply and mine mimics his. If it were possible for sparks to literally be flying from two people, they would be right now. They’d be coiled in between our bodies, sparking with each thrust like metal on metal. He rocks into me as one bare hand grips my leg and the other clutches my hair. His lips land on mine and our kiss is urgent and demanding.

  “Sadie. Look at me,” he demands in a strained voice. He pulls himself up on his hands and looks down at me, long eyelashes reaching almost up to his eyebrows. We stare at one another as he pulls out and jams into me again. Not able to take in his eyes, the way they’re speaking to me in a completely different language, I let out a barely audible moan.

  “I love you, Sadie.” He groans, and I completely come undone. I come apart in every way possible; and he follows suit, landing on top of me, chest rising with each beat of his heart. The second the ecstasy wears off, I know I’m in trouble because he just took my entire heart, scars and all.

  Twenty-Five

  When Rowen rolls off me, we lay there for a long time, evening out our rushed breathing. I can tell he’s looking at me, but I won’t meet his gaze. Instead, I crawl over to him and lay my head on his bare chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat… probably for the last time.

  He speaks, but it’s in a deep whisper, brushing the loose strands of hair around my ear, “Remember last summer when I said there wasn’t such a thing as bad luck or good luck? There’s just luck?”

  I nod my head against his chest, feeling his coiled hair scratch my chin. “Well, I think the entire last three years were good luck. Want to know why?” I nod my head again. “Because every single thing that happened in the last three years, led us straight to this moment. And let me tell you, that was a once in a lifetime moment we just had, Sadie.”

  I don’t say anything; I just lean over and kiss the skin that lays over his heart. He tightens his hold on me and runs his fingers through my hair for the next hour. I pretend I’m asleep so he doesn’t say anything else. Anything else that’ll make me change my mind on what I’m going to do the very second he leaves.

  Rowen slowly crawls out of my bed hours before the sun is set to rise. He carefully slips his jeans back on, careful not to make any noise. I lay perfectly still, not opening my eyes. Not even when he leans down to kiss my cheek and tell me he loves me, which only makes the hole in my stomach grow larger. I hear him slip out my window, and the second I hear it shut, the tears fall. They cascade down the sides of my face, soaking my pillow. I bury my face in my blankets, which are heavy with his scent, and that only makes me cry harder.

  I may be rash in my decision to pack all my bags and head back to college two weeks early, but I have to. I have two choices: I can stay with Rowen, finish out the summer, and go back to college, hoping things stay the same. Hoping he doesn’t leave me again, because that would no doubt destroy me. Or, I can go back to school tomorrow morning and run. It’s no secret that I’ve fallen madly in love with him… deeper than ever but if I give him the chance to leave me, again… it will literally kill me. So, I’ll do the killing for him. It’ll be safer this way. I’ll take my heart back and I’ll stomp on it myself. I won’t let him to do the stomping, because it won’t be stomping. It’ll be epically smooshing—leaving me with absolutely nothing but a wilted, trampled on, dying heart.

  When Rowen and I were younger, our love was simple. It was puppy-love. That doesn’t make it any less of a love that we have now, but it wasn’t this… sacred. Our love back then wasn’t this raw and life-changing. We were young; we had a love-at-first-sight type of love. Now, we have the Romeo and Juliet type of love… the kind that will kill you in the end.

  When I text Rowen at six a.m. to meet me in front of the high school, before his practice starts, he sends me an “okay,” followed by a question mark. I throw on my jean shorts, an old ACDC shirt, and my white tennis shoes. I grab the three bags I packed, write my parents a tiny yet remorseful note saying I’d explain later, and drag myself to my little Ford to set out for the high school.

  For the entire drive, the little devil and angel on my shoulder argue back and forth. The devil, pleased that I’m breaking my own heart instead of allowing Rowen to do it, again… and the angel, who is crying her pure, crystal blue tears, telling me I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. But the sight of Rowen, standing in his black workout pants and a loose t-shirt, shuts them both up. I have a frog in my throat that I keep pushing down further and further.

  When I step out of the car, he rounds the front and takes in my face. He can tell I’ve been crying, no doubt.

  “Sadie, what’s wrong?” he asks, concerned. I take a deep breath and look out at the horizon, the sun barely peeking over the hills. It’s a strange sight. There’s the beautiful, bright sun about to unleash her yellow hue on the world, and then right above that, is the sharp contrast of the dark, deep night sky.

  I choke, “I can’t do this.” And if Rowen’s expression is portraying that he’s surprised, I wouldn’t know, because I can’t look. I want to look. I want to memorize every tiny feature he has, just so my heart can hold onto something.

  “What do you mean?” he questions, confused.

  “I mean, I can’t do this. Us.”

  It takes a few moments before he speaks again. “Why?” I cringe at his strained voice.

  “I just can’t, Rowen. I can’t move past what happened three years ago. I can’t move on. It’s just… ” I pause and swallow the frog again. “It’s just better this way.” My voice is no longer a normal tone, it’s barely a whisper and I’m afraid he can tell just how much this is killing me. It’s better this way, Sadie, I tell myself.

 
; “Was this your grand plan? To make me fall in love with you all over again and then what? Leave me like I left you?” A jab strikes my heart.

  “If I wanted to do that, I’d just leave without telling you goodbye.” I meet his face and it’s etched with pain. Good, maybe he’ll just hate me and make this easier.

  “That’s bullshit. This is bullshit! You know that we belong together… ” He is mad. Hurt and mad. He clenches his jaw so tightly I can see the muscles ticking.

  “Rowen, this is what I want.”

  “No!” he yells, running his hands through his hair frantically. “Goddamnit, you know this isn’t right. You and I, we belong together. Despite the past.”

  I say nothing, because I have no idea what to say. For a second, I rethink my decision. Maybe I should just take a chance, maybe things won’t end up like before. Maybe he’ll stay with me forever, but…

  Maybe he won’t. Suddenly all those memories and feelings I’ve been ignoring all summer come crashing into my mind like a thousand bats escaping a cave. The hurt, the loneliness, the heartbreak.

  “Last summer, you said that I held the chess pieces. Well, this is what I’m doing with them. We don’t belong together.” I say, stronger than before, standing perfectly tall.

  “NO! I’m taking them back. This isn’t what you’re doing with them!” he yells again, and I almost flinch.

  “You can’t just take them back, Rowen. This is what I want. Move on, be with someone who can fully be with you without having this ugly, wicked past always looming over them.”

  “I don’t want anyone else, Sadie.” I can literally hear my heart ripping in half. I have to leave now, or else I won’t. The pain in his voice ricochets throughout my body and I honestly want to plug my ears. This is better, you’re saving yourself. Go!

  I turn to leave, but his hand on my arms pulls me back. I shut my eyes quickly and turn around to face him again.

  He whispers, tilting my head up with his hand. My eyes meet his and I know he can see right through me. “Is this really what you want? Will this make you happy? Being without me?”

  I look at his eyes, his lips, his strong nose, his broad jawline—memorizing every single detail, then I muster up, “Yes.” And his fingers leave my arm. He backs up, never leaving my gaze. I take the opportunity to jump in my car, and I mouth “I’m sorry” to him before taking off down the road, faster than ever.

  I get the courage to peek in my rearview mirror and see him, standing there, looking completely defeated. His one arm is hanging loosely by his side and his other is at the bridge of his nose. The sun is casting a perfect glow behind him, almost outlining his body. I have to turn my gaze away, before I turn my car back around. Before I even make it out of the parking lot, a loud sob escapes my throat. It’s a deep sob, uncontrollable, but I keep driving. I drive all the way until I get to that familiar, calming house out in the middle of nowhere. Where the farmland comforts me, as does the giant who tends to it.

  I walk up to James’ rickety wooden porch, and take a seat on his wooden, white rocking chair. He comes out of his house, slowly, taking one look at my face and then pulling out his handkerchief to hand to me. I use it to wipe the tears that won’t stop. He sits beside me in the other chair, looking out at the distance. Giving me the silence that I need, for a little while.

  “I think I gave you some bad advice.” I turn my head and take in his appearance. He’s still wearing his jean overalls, stained with mud and dirt. I’m not sure how that’s possible since it’s barely reached seven in the morning.

  He continues on, when I won’t speak. “I told you to forgive but never forget, and I still stand by that. My mama was a smart woman, a brilliant woman. But, I learned something along this crazy ride of a life, Sadie.”

  I croak, “What’s that?”

  “When I said to forgive but never forget, I didn’t mean for the never forgetting part to ruin your present. Never forgetting don’t mean you need to be held back from what your heart wants; it just means you gotta to be stronger. Willing to fight so that thing you’re never forgetting, don’t happen again.”

  “But what if I can’t help it from happening again?”

  “There’s ways around it, my sweet Sadie. There’s always a detour, you just really have to look for it.”

  I let that sink in as we sit in silence for the next hour, peaceful in each other’s presence. There’s always a detour. So far, I haven’t found one and I don’t plan on it. Rowen and I, we’re done. We’re done so I can save myself from an even worse heartbreak.

  Part Four

  Two Months Later

  Sadie & Rowen

  Twenty-Six

  ROWEN

  When Sadie left two months ago, it nearly killed me. It ripped me in half. I’m not one to get too sappy and say how much it broke my heart into a million little pieces or anything, but it did. She fucking destroyed me. When she left, she took me with her. Not physically, that is, but in every other way possible.

  She’s always had me, even when she thought she didn’t. After the attack three years ago, when I saw her lying in that hospital bed, tubes flowing from beneath her nose, gauze on her face, brown hair spread out all around her—even then she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

  I almost threw up that night, right there in her hospital room. Her mom was there, sleeping beside her on a small couch beneath the window. I walked over to the end of Sadie’s bed and I couldn’t hold back the silent tears. They fell from my face and landed on the end of her bed, where her feet were, underneath the white cotton blanket. I took one last look at her, feeling the pit in my stomach grow larger and then I left.

  I left because I was ashamed, and confused. Then everything else just spiraled out of control. I left her lying there in that hospital bed and I’ll probably never forgive myself for making that colossal mistake. But somehow Sadie learned to forgive me. It was like all my prayers had been answered from up above. I did everything I could to make it up to her, to show her that I love her and that I’d never leave her again.

  But it wasn’t enough.

  She still left me in the end and here I am, sitting in my apartment on our shitty, cracked leather couch with Kyle going on about the latest football game he watched and I can’t even focus on what he’s truly saying. His voice is like background static, there enough that I can hear it, but I can’t quite focus on it. I’m too busy thinking about Sadie and if I should have gone after her or not.

  I’ve driven halfway to Duke and back, more times than I care to admit. It’s embarrassing, really, how torn up I am about this entire situation. How I’ve almost driven over to her apartment to beg, literally beg on my hands and knees, for her to rethink this. For her to remember that she loves me just as much as I love her. But every time I saw a sign for Duke University, I’d turn my truck around, realizing that if there’s one thing I know about Sadie, it’s that she needs time.

  Fucking time.

  It’s an annoying thing if you think about it. Always waiting. The clock is always ticking and time is always running out.

  I just hope it doesn’t run out before she comes back to me.

  Because in the end, we belong together. Even if there’s one more second left in this world, we belong together.

  I can promise you that.

  SADIE

  It only took me two months to realize that I made a gigantic mind-blowing mistake. Two whole months. Denial took up most of those two months. Isn’t that a thing? Five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance? I unquestionably denied the fact that I ripped my own heart out and fed it to the wolves. I pretended that Rowen and I never happened. It got to the point that even Alicia was concerned. I brushed off any conversation she wanted to have about him. I avoided talking about him at all costs with Hannah Marie and Anna and even my parents. My dad was thrilled, of course. He didn’t want to talk about Rowen, ever again. And I was right there with him.

  After having a l
ong conversation with my mom about facing “whatever it was that happened between Rowen and I,” I landed smack dab in the anger stage. I was pissed. I was so freaking pissed off at myself that I wanted to bang my head off the wall repeatedly until I forgot his name. How could I have been so damn stupid to let myself fall for him, again? After everything? After everything we had been through I should have known that it wouldn’t end up good. Rowen and I are like this giant ticking time bomb, ready to explode at the first little hiccup, and did we ever. Explode, that is. I haven’t talked to him at all. I ignored every single call he made for the next few weeks after I left for college. He even went so far as to call Alicia, who also ignored him, per my request.

  Then came the bargaining. “I’ll only look on his social media to make sure he’s okay, that he’s happy.” But, Alicia wouldn’t let me and I didn’t want to start my own social media just to stalk my ex-ex-boyfriend. That was a little ridiculous and borderline close to being that same seventeen year old who nursed a broken heart years ago.

  So, after the bargaining had passed, the depression and acceptance came in waves. I cried and cried and cried for the stupid decision(s) I’d made; not only getting involved with Rowen again, but falling in love, and then running away like a little schoolgirl who was offered candy from the creep in the white van. I played the words that James spewed to me over and over again during my binge ice cream devouring marathons for weeks on end. A detour. I had no idea what that crazy old man was talking about until one day, it just clicked. I was in my senior thesis class, absentmindedly scrawling notes and BOOM, it connected. It hit me harder than a head-on collision crash.

  I didn’t want to forget about the last four years of my life; some of my best memories were in those four years. My first kiss with Rowen, my first real laugh after the attack, the second time I fell in love with him. I didn’t want to forget, I couldn’t forget about those things, just like I couldn’t forget about him leaving me and breaking my heart. I would pray that all the bad would go away. That I could be normal again. That I could fall in love and not have this undeniable feeling creeping up my back but it never went away.