by Janice Lynn
He’d used his guilt, his loss, his pain to shield him from letting anyone else close. From letting thoughts of Chelsea seep in.
He needed to think of her as his enemy.
He was dancing with the enemy.
“How is it we’ve caused so much hurt, Jared?” She leaned her head against his shoulder and swayed to the music. He called himself every name in the book. What had he been thinking, to take Chelsea in his arms for a dance?
But she felt so good against him. Smelled so good.
“What are you doing, Jared?”
Nuzzling her hair. “Nothing.”
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” she whispered roughly.
“I’m sure it’s not,” he agreed, with another brush of her soft hair against his jaw.
A determined glint shone in her eyes. One that made him want to lower his head and kiss her. “Stop, Jared. I don’t want you touching me that way. Not when you don’t mean it.”
He closed his eyes, willing his fingers to relax from where he tightly gripped the fabric of her dress.
“What do you mean?” he breathed close to her ear, knowing she was baiting him.
“I want someone who isn’t ashamed of me.”
Is that what she thought? That he was ashamed of her? Didn’t she understand all the reasons he had to stay away from her? For both of their sakes?
“I’m not ashamed of you.”
“Yes, you are.”
“You’re a beautiful woman, Chelsea. Inside and out. Your back doesn’t bother me.” He grazed his fingers over where her scars ran, wishing he could soothe the deeply entrenched scars in her psyche.
“After years of being ashamed myself, I find humor in the fact I believe my back really doesn’t bother you.” She snorted. “All this is because of her, isn’t it?”
“Laura? She has nothing to do with anything.”
“She has everything to do with why you won’t take a chance on me,” she scoffed. “You can’t let go of her. Even though she’s been dead for almost ten years, you refuse to move on with your life.”
“Chelsea.” He breathed her name against her hair. “I have moved on with my life.”
He had. He’d finished medical school, had a great career, great friends, a life he enjoyed. That was moving on, wasn’t it?
“Yet my guess is that you’ve not been close to a woman since Laura.”
“There’ve been women in my life.”
“I’m not talking about sex, Jared. I’m talking about a real relationship. One where you let yourself actually care about another person.”
“I care…” He paused, unsure what he had been going to say. That he cared about her? He did, whether he wanted to or not.
Her gaze narrowed, and she shook her head. “Why did you pull me onto the dance floor?” she asked, no longer moving to the music. She faced him with anger in her eyes. “I want more than a few stolen kisses when you’re having a weak moment. I want a real relationship with someone who is willing to trust me with his heart, who is worthy of me trusting him with my heart.”
“Chelsea—” he began, but she stopped him.
“Don’t ‘Chelsea’ me. If you’re not man enough to admit you care for me and to act on those feelings, do me a favor and stay away.”
With that she turned and walked away, her back eloquently straight.
Frozen in place, Jared could only watch her go. He couldn’t go after her, because she was right. He should stay away from her.
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHELSEA tried to keep a smile pasted on her face as she stared across the dance floor at where Jared stood with a couple of his and Will’s old college buddies.
How could she fight a ghost? The reality was she couldn’t. Jared had loved Laura, had been going to marry her. He’d loved her enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her, to give her his name.
Jealousy scorched Chelsea’s stomach. Totally unreasonable as the woman in question had died a tragic death, apparently taking Jared’s heart with her.
Did he think he’d betray his true love’s memory if he opened his heart to her? That she wouldn’t be able to take it if he wasn’t able to love her in return? Or was he honoring Will’s request to stay away from her?
No doubt Will would go after Jared if he thought he’d hurt her in any way, which was why she could never let her brother guess at what had transpired between her and Jared.
Chelsea sought out her brother, who was dancing with Leslie. Her forehead wrinkled. Leslie didn’t look happy, neither did Will. Were they arguing?
She’d wanted tonight to be perfect, but since when had life gone perfectly?
Automatically she glanced at Jared. He stood talking with Larry still. Larry’s gaze shifted to Chelsea. He said something to Jared, then glanced back.
They were talking about her.
Were they having a laugh at her expense? Perhaps Jared was telling him how she’d mooned over him like a lovesick puppy for months, just like she had the week they’d met.
No more. Kevin had humiliated her with his rejection of her physical appearance, and she’d allowed Jared to repeatedly do the same thing. Only worse, Jared had rejected her heart.
Never again.
She wouldn’t settle for less than the best, wouldn’t allow Jared to string her along when he’d never be willing to give her his heart. Although perhaps not the life she’d have chosen, she would have a good life and find a way to be happy.
Jared stole a few private moments with Will in the far corner of the ballroom. Music played, people laughed, danced, and made merry. He and his pal both wore dark scowls.
“Women!” Will said under his breath.
“I hear you,” Jared agreed, taking a swallow of the beer he’d been nursing since Chelsea had walked away from him.
Will’s eyebrow rose. “Oh? Something you want to talk about?”
“Probably no more than you want to talk about what’s going on with you and Leslie,” Jared admitted, evading Will’s question.
“She refuses to marry me,” Will ground out, surprising Jared by the admission. “I’ve asked her a dozen different ways and the stubborn woman says no each and every time.”
“I thought…”
“Yeah, well, that’s two of us that thought that way. I want to get married now, sell the beach house, and get some place suitable for raising a baby.”
Sounded reasonable to Jared.
“But she says no. That just because she’s having my baby doesn’t mean she has to do things my way.”
“What does she want?”
“That’s the hell of it. She won’t tell me. Even tonight, I asked her to tell me what it’ll take to convince her to marry me. She just shook her head and walked away from me. When she came back from the bathroom I could tell she’d been crying. I just don’t understand women.”
“Me neither.”
“My sister giving you problems?”
Jared winced. The last thing he wanted was to talk to Will about his little sister.
Will gave a snort. “Do you think I don’t know what’s going on between you and Chelsea? That I never knew something happened between the two of you that spring break?”
“Nothing happened,” Jared quickly denied.
“Something did.” Will wiped his hand down his face. “Chelsea fell for you like a ton of bricks.”
“Laura…” he started, but couldn’t finish.
“Laura loved you, and you loved her, but you and I both know that you hadn’t been ‘in love’ with her for a long time.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I was there that spring break. Even at seventeen, Chelsea hooked you. I never said anything because I wasn’t worried. I knew you. You wouldn’t touch Chelsea, not without breaking things off with Laura first. I figured I had some time before I had to play big brother.”
Jared gripped his bottle tight, not liking it that he’d been so transparent.
“If Laura hadn’t got
ten pregnant, you’d have broken things off and when Chelsea turned eighteen…” Will’s voice trailed off.
“But Laura was pregnant, and I did love her.” They’d experienced so many firsts together, had planned on spending their lives together. He’d had no right to want someone else, to want Chelsea.
But he had.
Will nodded. “I know you loved her. We all did. Laura was a great girl. Sorry I brought her up, but I just hate seeing you so miserable after all this time.”
“I’m happy,” he insisted.
“Then why do you keep staring at my sister like she’s everything you’ve ever wanted?”
“You’re wrong.” That would be…wrong. He’d made a promise to Laura, a promise he wouldn’t break.
“If you say so, pal.” Will looked thoughtful. “But Laura wouldn’t have wanted this, you know.”
“This?”
“You beating yourself up because she’s gone.”
“I’m not beating myself up.”
“No, you’re punishing yourself for not loving her the way she loved you, punishing yourself because you’re in love with my sister.”
“You’ve drunk too much.”
Will glanced down at his glass. “Unless someone’s spiked the punch, I’m completely sober. And I doubt that less than half a beer has affected you, so do yourself a favor and go grovel or whatever the hell you have to do to make things right.” Will’s gaze shifted to Leslie. “It’s what I plan to do.”
“You’re telling me to go after your sister?”
“What the hell do you think I brought her here for?”
“I specifically recall you warning me off her.”
“You’d have been mad if I told you I was matchmaking.”
“You want Chelsea and me together? Even knowing what I did to Laura?”
Will shook his head. “What you did to Laura? What did you do to her? You loved her enough to sacrifice your own happiness to give her what she wanted. You.”
“I killed her.”
“Nobody killed her. She lost control of her car and crashed. It was an accident.”
“No, she…”
“She what? Crashed on purpose? You don’t really believe that, do you?”
Jared didn’t answer.
“Laura was a fighter, a go-getter. Even if she was mad as nails at you, she wouldn’t have done that. Not to mention that she loved you, Jared. She’d never have intentionally crashed because she wouldn’t have been willing to put you through the guilt you’ve felt over her death.”
Will’s words beat against his heart like raindrops on a glass pane, rising in intensity until a thunderous downpour stormed against the wall protecting him.
He glanced up, caught Chelsea’s eye from across the room. The wall cracked, emotions flooding through him.
And this time when he headed for the door, he didn’t let anyone stop him.
Jared sat in Chelsea’s driveway, staring at the darkened windows. So many emotions poured through him, making him feel like his blood boiled, like he needed to calm down.
He hadn’t wanted to go home, knowing the quiet would drive him crazy. He’d driven around for hours, battling the turmoil within him, sorting through memories he’d never willingly let into his head.
When all was said and done, he’d ended up sitting in Chelsea’s driveway, staring at her house, knowing she was alone inside. He hesitated, knowing memories of Laura hadn’t been the only thing that had caused him to push Chelsea away. Fear of what losing her would do to him kept him immobile.
If he kept her at arm’s length, if he refused to admit how much she meant to him, then he’d foolishly believed she couldn’t hurt him.
In the process he’d hurt them both.
He’d loved Laura, and had tragically lost her. He’d have given his own life if she and their baby could have survived that car crash. But he hadn’t been given that choice.
Guilt had ridden him hard, shielded him from letting anyone else get close.
The pain he’d felt at losing Laura and their baby had left him a broken man. But losing Chelsea…he wasn’t sure he could survive that if he ever opened his heart.
Whether he’d acknowledged her presence or not, Chelsea had been in his heart for ten years, since the moment she’d touched her innocent lips to his in the most earth-shattering kiss of his life.
And if fate hadn’t intervened, he’d have been on her doorstep the day she’d turned eighteen.
So why wasn’t he traipsing up those steps and knocking on her door, begging her to let him in?
Because he feared rejection. Why would Chelsea care about him? She was a beautiful, intelligent, witty woman with a bright future. Way too good for the likes of him.
He sighed, getting out of his car and closing the door. Still he hesitated, gazing up at the clear night, the sounds of the Gulf waves crashing against the shore playing a tumultuous song.
He walked round to where the steps led up to the main level of the raised beach house, stopped halfway up to stare at the sea. Here, with the closest house several hundred meters down the coast, one could imagine being the only person on earth.
At times he’d felt like the only person on earth.
The loneliest person on earth.
Until Chelsea had come back into his life.
He didn’t want to be alone. Not anymore. Not ever again.
He wasn’t alone.
His breath caught at the celestial vision greeting his eyes.
Chelsea stood on the balcony overlooking the sandy beach. She wore a creamy silk gown that covered her from neck to where her bare toes peeked out. The breeze blew the gown about her, plastering the fabric against her body, perfectly outlining her delectable figure.
He swallowed. Hard.
“Jared?” Her hand went to her throat, pulling the edges of her gown together. “Is that you?”
She sounded as though she thought she was imagining him.
“Were you expecting someone else?”
“I wasn’t expecting you. I told you to stay away from me until you were willing to admit you have feelings for me.”
Easy enough.
“I have feelings for you,” he said without hesitation.
Through the shadows of the night, she stared at him. Although he knew she couldn’t make out the sincerity on his face, he hoped she heard the truth in his voice, felt the truth in his presence.
Not acknowledging his admission, she walked to the edge of her balcony and leaned toward the sea. She closed her eyes and inhaled. “I love the sea. The wind, the sounds, the smell, all of it.”
Jared decided right then and there that he loved the sea, too. Or perhaps it was the sea nymph on the balcony causing the palpitations in his chest rather than the waves crashing against the shore. Why wasn’t she saying something about what he’d said? Was she intent on torturing him? Making him pay for his sins? Or had she realized she didn’t care about him after all?
“There’s something soothing about being near the water, isn’t there? It’s like being near it revives me,” Chelsea mused without opening her eyes, embracing the wind from the Gulf. “I avoided the beach for a long time because being here made me think of you. Funny that part of the reason I came here was so I could be near you.”
Jared watched her, thinking he was insane for not crossing to her and kissing her senseless, kissing her until she gasped his name and his alone.
“You revive me, Chelsea. I want you in my life.”
“I’m in your life, Jared. We work together.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What do you mean, Jared?” She turned, facing him again, her hair whipping around her. “Because I’m nothing more to you than a coworker you slept with during a weak moment. We’ve never even been on a proper date. I’m not your girlfriend, ex or otherwise.”
“No, but you should have been from the moment we met,” he interrupted.
“You told me I was too young.”
“You were too young. I hated what you did to my insides, to my supposedly well-ordered life.”
“I didn’t do anything to your life, Jared.”
“You ripped up my definition of life, Chelsea. I had my future with Laura all mapped out in my head. Then I met you and realized I existed in black and white, that I was settling for just existing when I could have everything. You brought color into my world.”
“I gave you color?” she asked, and he tired of the distance between them. He wanted to see her face clearly, to look into her eyes and know what she was feeling.
Despite her shocked protests, he wrapped his arms around her and held her arms so she couldn’t pull away, held her gaze so she’d see what was in his heart.
“You gave me color. That sweet kiss you planted on my surprised lips made me see rainbows, and I’ve never been the same since.”
Her face scrunched up, and she trembled. “Why are you saying this?”
“Because I want you to know the truth.”
“I want…” She paused. “I want you to leave. I told you I can’t take this anymore. By morning you’ll regret having come here, and you’ll go back to treating me like I have bubonic plague. I can’t deal with that anymore, Jared. I won’t.”
“I won’t leave, Chelsea. Not unless you say you don’t love me anymore. But know this—leaving you isn’t what I want.”
“What is it you want, Jared? Because, heaven help me, I’ve tried to figure that out for weeks and I still don’t know.”
“I want you, Chelsea.”
Chelsea stared at Jared and wondered what she was supposed to say. Was she supposed to graciously accept that for now he wanted her so she should make herself available once again?
What if he only let her close when his emotions were raw, like they’d been on the night Connie had died? Like they were tonight because of seeing some of the old gang he and Laura had hung out with?
Regardless of how she felt about him, she refused to let him use her that way. If nothing else, her ordeal with him had convinced her she deserved better. Much better.