Divided

by Rae Brooks

  His cheeks turned a furious shade of red, and he shook his head vehemently. If he had meant anything by his statement, it was certainly not that. His teeth clicked together with a snap, and his hand clenched. “That was not what I meant, Alyx. I am just not interested in flings that could get me murdered!”

  “I don’t think Calis would let anything happen to you. He seems too concerned for you.” Her words should have held a little more value than they did, but Taeru was trying very hard to get past how much attention Calis had wasted on him.

  The fact remained that Calis had been gone for a while now, which meant that Taeru ought to be working on not thinking about him in his absence. Surely, the absences would get longer and longer until he stopped showing up. That would be the best case scenario—because the other one would involve Lavus or Tareth finding out and Taeru being hanged in a very humiliating fashion.

  Not that there was any other way to be hanged.

  “I am going for a walk,” he declared. She stared at him, with a frown that was slowly eclipsing the rest of her face. He didn’t want to be here with her anymore, where he would be forced to think about Calis Tsrali constantly.

  She stared at him for a long moment, and finally asked, “I guess you don’t want me to come with you?”

  “No,” he said, without hesitation. He should have worked harder to make sure that he didn’t offend her, but he was far too angry with himself at this point to worry about it. She knew precisely what was wrong with him, anyway—and she knew that it wasn’t her. “Apologies, Alyx. I just need to think.”

  “Don’t think too hard,” she said gently, “you’ll hurt yourself.”

  With a ghost of a laugh, he nodded and headed out of the house. Aitken, as always, was running about in the front yard, if it could be called such. He offered a quick wave to Taeru as the young man took his leave. Taeru made sure to return it, though.

  Taeru’s walks were never premeditated, as he found that when they were—he wasted most of the time that he had to think on figuring out how to get where he wanted to go. No, he preferred to just let his feet walk for him. He walked through the market, returning the few greetings that he got while he moved through it.

  Why could he not stop thinking about Calis? Why was he letting himself get so wrapped up in this pathetic excuse for a romance? They would never be anything more than two people more different than could ever be overcome. Calis was an absurdly charming, incredibly desirable, prince. Taeru was… well, perhaps he had once been thought of in that exact same fashion.

  Taeru certainly wouldn’t think to call himself desirable—not in the way that Calis was. Calis had charm, and he seemed to know what to do in every situation. Taeru had always been at a loss in social situations. Regardless, even if they were both princes—they were not only considered mortal enemies by all who knew them for who they truly were, but they were both male.

  Men did not court other men—not when they were royalty. Surely, there were plenty of relationships between men among the commoners, but not among people that would be expected to produce heirs. Calis had seemed so oddly set on the two of them, though. He had asked Taeru to let him make it happen. But he couldn’t make it happen! It would not work. It could not work.

  If he knew who you were, do you know how quickly he’d cut your throat? No, first, he’d tie your hands and give you to his brother—who could put you in your place rather quickly.

  Not the whispers again, Taeru thought. Just when he’d been about to resolve his thoughts, he could hear the pull of the voices at his ear. At once, his wrist and shoulder began to ache with unknown pain. He tried to ignore the voice. Calis certainly wouldn’t hate him so much if he found out—which he never would—but Taeru had not been trying to spy. He had just been trying to get away from Cathalar—to find another way to stop the war.

  He wouldn’t know that, and he wouldn’t care. You are a Lassau, and that means that he would want to give you the most painful of deaths. Yet, fool that you are, you allow yourself to be drawn into that trap like a guileless rat.

  Taeru breathed slowly, urging the voices from his mind. Some of the words were true, and the more he listened, the truer they became. Calis was a Tsrali, and if he knew who Taeru was—he would hate him just like every other Tsrali would. And how did Taeru know that Calis would never find out?

  You think that family will be in trouble if your identity as the Phantom Blade is discovered? Imagine if what you really were…

  No! He didn’t want to think about that. He couldn’t think like that. He hadn’t told Alyx and Juliet for that reason. Lavus wouldn’t care about them—so long as he had Taeru. No, that wouldn’t happen. Taeru would make sure of it. But as the whispers continued, he felt anger pulse through him, and he slammed his back against the black stone wall to which he’d walked. Why wouldn’t they stop? Why couldn’t he make them stop?

  A flash of the seedling appeared in his mind. He could feel it, somewhere on the other side of the wall. It was out there—and he knew it was real. The dreams were a precursor to something terrible, and something that he might be bringing on himself. That obelisk in his mind flickered to life, and he could see it opening—feel those tendrils wrapping around his wrist. But, maybe that would be better—maybe if he just died, he could stop whatever his dream was trying to tell him. Was that how he could fix it?

  Yes, yes it is. Come here, little prince. Come here, and you can save everyone. That’s all you want, isn’t it? After all the mistakes you’ve made, you deserve death…

  Maybe… maybe. No, he couldn’t listen to the voice in his head. He remembered his dream, and how he’d known that if he let that thing pull him into it that both Telandus and Cathalar would pay dearly for it. No, whatever was going on in his mind would surely not be resolved by his death. There was something far larger at work.

  That is just your self-preservation talking. You don’t want your death to be required.

  Stop, stop, stop. He couldn’t make the voice stop. Pain seared up his arm, and he thought he wanted to slam his back into the wall again.

  Worthless…

  Stop.

  Worthless… useless… why are you even bothering? What are you hoping to accomplish?

  “Stop!” the voice rattled him, and he realized that it wasn’t the whisper anymore. In fact, that singular, commanding voice had chased the voice in his head away. Only then did Taeru realize that his eyes had been closed, and that he hadn’t been the one telling the voice to stop. There was a grip on his arms. His eyes flickered open, and he glanced up. Calis. “What are you doing?” the prince hissed.

  Taeru didn’t understand for a moment. He wondered idly if he was standing somewhere that he shouldn’t be, but as he glanced to Calis’s hands on him, he realized that he held a jagged chunk of stone. Where had he gotten that? His wrist, no, his entire forearm throbbed with pain, and he saw the reddened and raw skin. “I…” He felt panic welling up inside him. He must have been scraping the stone against his skin in frustration.

  Well, if Calis hadn’t thought him unworthy before, then he was sure to now. Perhaps that was for the best. Yet, Taeru’s body would not stop trembling. “Why were you doing that?” Calis asked again. The blue-green eyes were wide, and though they looked angry, they also looked worried.

  “I don’t know,” Taeru whimpered. Not entirely truthful, but at least he wasn’t having to lie entirely. He hadn’t known that he was even hurting himself. He pulled his arms away and cleared his throat. “I didn’t… realize…” This sounded really bad when he heard himself speaking. If Taeru was fortunate, Calis would smack him upside the head and walk away without another word. If he was not… well…

  However, Calis just stood there for a few moments. Without warning, he grabbed Taeru by the shoulder and steered him to a well nearby. With a few quick movements, Calis hoisted some water up from the supply and pulled a kerchief from his pocket, wet it, and then put it against Taeru’s heated skin. “You looked terrified,”
Calis said dismally.

  I was. Taeru stared at the damp kerchief pressed against his skin. The soothing effect was coupled with a bit of pain from the pressure, but he was sure that it was worth it. Calis had not reacted in a predictable fashion. “Well, it was… I was…” Then, a strange thought occurred to him. “Wait! What do you mean? Were you following me?”

  This time, Calis’s pale skin turned a crimson red, and his eyes widened. “This isn’t about me! I wasn’t the one causing harm to myself!”

  “You were!” Taeru snapped. So, Calis was trying to get some sort of information from him! But, then why would he have interfered with whatever weirdness Taeru was doing? If he had wanted information, what better time to get it than when Taeru seemed drowned in his own fears? Still, why else would Calis be following Taeru? “Why were you following me? I don’t have anything worth taking.”

  To Taeru’s utter dismay and shock, Calis looked genuinely hurt by this statement. “You think I was following you with the intention of hurting you in some way?”

  Quickly, Taeru tried to remedy his mistake. He didn’t want Calis to think that he didn’t trust him. But, he didn’t trust Calis. Why should he trust Calis? Maybe he did trust Calis. But, Calis had just followed him. There was nothing trustworthy about that. “No, I think you’re spying on me. Why are you spying on me?”

  Calis’s face was still red, and he turned redder at the statement. “I… wanted to know. Well, I was… I was wanting to see where you were going. I saw you leaving your house. I didn’t want to bother you with how much time I was spending…” Then, with a thrust of his hands, Calis’s teeth snapped together. “What in the Light? Why am I explaining this to you? Why were you hurting yourself! It’s a bloody good thing I followed you!”

  The response had been so unexpected that Taeru hadn’t realized that Calis had turned it into an assault on him. “I didn’t realize I was…”

  Calis moved the damp cloth over Taeru’s arm gingerly. Looking around, Taeru realized that they were mostly alone. “What were you thinking about?” Taeru was not about to disclose that bit of information. Calis was apparently not accusing him of being mad just yet, but if Taeru revealed the truth behind the matter, then he certainly would. “Your wrist is bruised,” Calis said, and his voice sounded more like a concerned mother than any Tsrali Taeru had ever heard.

  “Stop staring at it,” Taeru hissed. He yanked his hand back and caught the kerchief just before it fell into the dirt. His face flushed instantly, and he held it back out to the prince. “Ah, apologies—here, take it.”

  “Yes,” Calis said irreverently, “I was concerned about the cloth.”

  The two of them half-stared, half-glared at one another for a long moment. Taeru wasn’t sure what to do. He felt like a complete fool for what had happened, and he wasn’t sure how to explain Calis following him. Nor did he know how to explain the embarrassed manner in which Calis had tried to answer why he was.

  In a moment, Calis’s hand was on Taeru’s cheek. Taeru’s heart proceeded to spasm, twist, and then leap acrobatically into his throat. “I apologize,” he said, working to keep the tremor out of his voice, “I must have looked a little strange. I’ve had a fever recently,” he said, there that didn’t sound too mad, “I’m apparently not handling it very well.”

  The blond’s eyes were not convinced, and they spent far more time staring at Taeru than they should have. What was Taeru supposed to say? He had to say something, because this moment was getting more and more stifling. “I-I… I wasn’t… it’s a small fever. I don’t think it’s a very big deal. I tend to handle nonsense like this rather poorly. It’s nothing. I can handle myself. I’m just sorry that you had to see it, and waste your kerchief—you didn’t have to do that. You were probably following me because I looked strange when I left my house. Please, if you say anything to the effect that I’m crazy, I know Lavus will have me killed. I really don’t want to have to face him, and then Juliet would look—” All at once the prince’s lips were pressed against Taeru’s, and they felt bracingly cool.

  This kiss felt different from the one beneath the moon. That one had been possessive, full of desire, and this one was—while still tinged with passion, there was softness to it. The kiss was much softer, gentle, as though the lips on his own were there to reassure him. When Calis pulled back, his face remained dangerously close to Taeru’s. “You are so self-deprecating, Kilik. As a matter of fact, I have seen you stumbling deliriously from a fever that lasted suns through the district one moment, and the next making quick work of nobles who claim to be well-trained. I’d say you deal with ‘nonsense like this’ rather well. And I didn’t follow you because you looked odd, I followed you because watching you enthralls me.”

  Taeru’s face, if it had not been red before, was certainly red now. He felt as though his entire face had burst into flames. He stammered out a few broken syllables and lowered his head. “People will see,” Taeru breathed warily.

  “I don’t care,” Calis said cheerfully. Pulling back, he allowed Taeru’s erratic heartbeat to try and regain some of its former steadiness. “My father got angry with me this sun,” Calis informed Taeru sincerely, “because he said I looked too happy.”

  This horrified and confused Taeru to no end. Why was Calis gracing him with this information? And more importantly, why would Lavus feel the need to chastise his son for looking too happy? Could people even be too happy? “Too happy? I have heard that your father is a harsh man, but surely you jest.”

  Calis chuckled softly, which meant that he was not at all joking. Taeru tried to imagine for a moment what it must be like to live with a man like that. A man who reprimanded his own son for his happiness. “I’ve upset you, Kilik. That was not my intention,” Calis said apologetically. “What I meant to say was that the reason for that happiness is you. I’ve never felt so… exhilarated before. It agitates my father, but I’m rather fond of it. And as much as I do enjoy agitating my father, that is not the reason I am fond of it.”

  Taeru was sure that the voice that had been in his mind had thrown him into some false reality. Any moment he would wake up being punched in the face by some deformed and brutish noble. This made no sense. “I make you feel… exhilarated?” Taeru managed weakly.

  Oddly enough, Calis laughed a little and nodded his head. “You’re making me crazy. If I’m not thinking about kissing you, then I’m worried something has happened to you.”

  Taeru squirmed a little. Perhaps the prince was just far too vocal and impetuous. There was no way that he meant all of the things he said. Though, the fact that Taeru felt strangely similar forced hope into his mind. “I… know the feeling. A little, I think.”

  “Do you?” Calis asked.

  The innocent, confused look on the blond’s face made Taeru want to hit him. As if he didn’t think that he made every commoner who saw him swoon and fall over like newly endowed, adolescent women, and every noblewoman’s mouth water at the thought of all the wealth and power. “Obviously. You pretend not to know that you are the most sought-after man in all of Telandus?”

  With an annoyed sigh, Calis shook his head. “So, you are interested in my position, then?”

  “Yes,” Taeru said dryly. “That’s precisely what I meant.”

  A wicked grin made its way onto the prince’s face, and he took another step towards Taeru. Were they going to kiss again? This really was getting out of hand. Taeru’s mind was so scrambled that all he wanted to do was go back to Juliet’s house and go to bed. “So be with me, then, if you wish it.”

  “It is hardly that simple.” Could it be, though? Could Taeru actually let himself give in to that ‘enjoy-it-while-it-lasts’ attitude Alyx had pushed on him? He knew that he felt far too strongly for Calis to ever believe that, but perhaps if he let himself have a little bit of this—this temporary moment—then he could let go. But it never worked like that. Even someone as inexperienced with romance as he knew that. He wanted this, though—he wanted to fall into Cal
is then. After all, Calis had been there, and Calis had forced that voice out of his mind when nothing else could. Taeru wanted the protection more than he had ever wanted anything.

  The problem was, he didn’t know if it was worth it. “Why isn’t it?” Calis asked simply. The blue-green eyes were flickering in a way that said he knew precisely why it wasn’t so simple. He was going to make Taeru elaborate, though.

  Taking a deep breath, Taeru settled on the quickest explanation. “We are incompatible.” Direct, concise and very to the point—the two of them were not destined to be together. There was a proper way to go about this courting nonsense, and Taeru was certain that they were doing it entirely wrong.

  Not that the two of them could have been doing it right. After all, as far as their situation went, Calis had done a rather lovely job of carrying out his suitor role. Was that what he was trying to be, Taeru wondered? He was certainly acting like it if it wasn’t. “Incompatible—that is an odd way of phrasing it,” Calis said.

  “You can change the phrasing if you like, the meaning will remain the same.” Then, after a moment of clarity, Taeru crossed his arms. He ignored the sting from the skin that he’d rubbed raw with the stone. “You mean to tell me that your father hasn’t arranged for you to be wed yet?”

  Taeru could hardly believe that. Calis was the crown prince, and he was certainly of age. When Calis didn’t immediately answer, Taeru persisted. “How old are you? You must be well beyond the expected age for one of your position to wed.”

  This gave Calis pause, and despite that Taeru had expected this, the pause hurt more than he’d anticipated. “That isn’t fair,” Calis hissed, as though Taeru had just offended him. “Of course I am supposed to marry a designated woman. Father can’t keep loyalty except through commitments such as marriage.”