The Heaviness of Knowing

by Sharolyn G. Brown

  “Your planet is so beautiful, Lauren.”

  Over the years, Lauren had done this many times. For Roxal, it was a bit of an escape from her reality. But lately, as she watched scenes like this, she always felt sad. Sad that for many generations before she was delivered from her birth pod, her planet had been an ecological waste. Today, living in the compound was the only way she and her people could survive. The video of the world outside the compound that the Reps showed periodically during assembly was a reminder that life only existed within the compound. And within the compound, you could not hide from The Keepers forever.

  The longer she stared at this beach with its white sand and crashing waves, the more Roxal felt trapped in her own life. Then, instead of enjoying experiencing a morsel of Lauren’s freedom, Roxal began to feel sad.

  Slowly, the wall began to reform as Lauren walked over to her. “I’m sorry. I thought you wanted me to show it to you. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  In this dreamscape, neither of them had a physical body, only their mental projections of what they each thought they looked like. Because they were connected mentally, they could each easily sense what the other was feeling. Roxal needed to distract Lauren from asking about her sadness.

  “You do not have to apologize. You did not do anything wrong. I asked you to tell me about your world. But it is time to return to work. Our visit is likely almost up.” Roxal walked away from Lauren. As she went back to the table where the chip sat, a dream representation of Edo suddenly appeared in front of her.

  What more can go wrong? Roxal thought as she stopped and shook her head. This dream representation of Edo was not real. He was just the form her doubts took when in the dreamscape.

  “Edo, you are not supposed to be here.” His appearance also meant she was losing even more control over the link with Lauren.

  “Roxal, tell her the truth. Lauren should know what she is doing to her world.”

  “Edo, stop it. I cannot tell her anything, and you know it.” Roxal crossed her arms tightly and looked away from him.

  “If you did not want to tell her, I would not be here.” Dream-Edo walked towards Roxal and put his hands on her shoulders. “My being here is proof you are considering severing your link with your Connection, as I did with mine.”

  Roxal buried her face in Dream-Edo’s neck, feeling the weight and the truth of his statement. More and more, she thought of guiding Lauren to take the medicines Earth had that could sever their ability to connect. Edo had done this when he had been a Traveler, and she had heard that other Travelers who learned the truth had done the same.

  Once he trusted her, Edo had told her what had happened that resulted in him being demoted from Traveler to Helper. As a Traveler, he had initially been very successful. He had appeared to be on track to guiding his Connection to complete his task. In fact, Edo had told Roxal, their Section Rep had told him his ascension into the Talented and Honored Citizens caste would be all but assured once he was done.

  Then, Edo had learned the truth about The Keepers and what it would mean for his Connection and the other people of Earth if he was successful. Not wanting to help The Keepers ruin another planet, he had begun pushing his Connection harder and harder. To the Reps, it apparently appeared that he was zealously trying to complete his mission. He was warned on several occasions to be careful. However, in truth, he was trying to break his Connection. Even though Edo knew he could be killed if his Connection did not finish his work, he did not care.

  When his Connection did finally suffer an episode of severe emotional distress and visited the Earth medics, the Connection was given medications that permanently broke their link. Edo had expected he would be killed, and was prepared to die. Instead, after his failure assessment, the Reps thought they would be better served by using him as an example of what failure looked like. Edo was stripped of his position in the Travelers caste and of all of its associated privileges. Then he was demoted to Helper and assigned to her. Roxal never knew why he was assigned to her, but she believed it was to send her a very important message: Failure is not an option.

  When Edo had finally shared his story with her, Roxal had admired the bravery of his decision. But she was not brave. She was a follower and a survivor. And even though she knew her life was a lie, she was too afraid to defy The Keepers in a way that could be noticed.

  “Please, stop.” She raised her head and looked into his eyes. His light brown eyes with small flecks of shimmering gray. In her reality, they always reassured her. In this dreamscape, they were little more than hollow reflections of her fears. “I know you could not continue lying to your Connection. You helped him to get free. But I am not strong enough to do the same.” Roxal looked over at Lauren and saw her staring at the two of them. Though she and Dream-Edo were not trying to conceal their conversation, Lauren only watched and did not say a word. Roxal really hoped this part of the dream would again fade from Lauren’s subconscious when she awakened.

  Looking back at Dream-Edo, Roxal touched his cheek and smiled. “I have to get back to work.”

  He returned her smile, replied, “I understand,” and disappeared.

  She continued to watch the space in which he had stood, building up the resolve to carry on.

  Lauren interrupted the silence. “He’s cute. I like Edo.”

  “I know, Lauren. You have told me many times before,” Roxal replied with a forced smile wondering if Lauren’s thoughts about Edo were Lauren’s actual thoughts and feelings or hers. “Now let us get back to work.”

  There was little conversation as they worked. Together, they would think of new material mixes and design changes for Lauren to try, and Lauren would take notes. The women fell into a familiar pattern developed over the two and a half Earth decades they had worked together.

  While listening to Lauren recite the changes she was going to make to the chip once she awakened, a wave of dizziness and nausea rolled over Roxal. She gripped the table and held her eyes closed as it passed.

  “Looks like we are finished for today, Lauren. Remember to try out the new ideas and let me know the results the next time we meet.” Roxal opened her eyes briefly. “Until we meet again.”

  By the time she heard Lauren reply goodbye, Roxal was on the floor, curled in the fetal position with her eyes closed, and making the transition from the dreamscape back into her own reality.

  CHAPTER 3

  Roxal lay in her sleeping unit curled in the fetal position, just as her Dream Traveler self had been when she was leaving Lauren. She remained in this position while the transition completed. If she moved too fast, she could be struck with headaches, nausea, and even seizures.

  While in the unit, Roxal could hear Edo preparing first meal. There were soft thuds and gentle scrapes as he arranged the food for their meal and their eating utensils. She smiled. Then she quickly cleared it from her face. The Keepers or the Reps could be watching. Once she felt the transition was completed, Roxal continued to lie in her sleeping unit, listening as Edo went about his duties.

  Now in the quiet, Roxal exited the sleeping unit, still naked from the previous night. Before joining Edo to eat, she went into the grooming corner in her quarters. Roxal’s quarters were typical of a Traveler’s living quarters. All Travelers lived in private quarters assigned only to them, though most allowed their adult Helpers to stay in them as well. There were no windows to the outside and only one door for entering and exiting. When you entered her quarters, the first thing you saw was the table at which Roxal and Edo ate first meal and sometimes mid-helio meal. Behind the table, against the rear wall, was the sleeping unit they shared. Along the rear wall, in the opposite corner, was the partitioned area used for dressing and grooming.

  Within this partitioned area was a sink used for both grooming and general cleaning, a commode, and a small shower. Outside the grooming corner, along the room’s right wall, was a small storage area that contained the few clothes that Roxal owned. Edo also had clothes in th
is storage area, since he did spend most of his nights with Roxal and not in the Helpers and Laborers’ communal living area. Continuing along the right wall of this room, towards the front of her quarters, was an open space that was formerly used as her work area.

  When Roxal was younger and needed extra time for training to teach herself what she needed to know to show Lauren how to build computer components, she had a worktable and various mechanisms set up in this space. Now it was empty. The last time it had been used was when Edo was first assigned to be her Helper. His separate sleeping unit was kept there before he started sleeping in hers.

  After quickly showering and slipping on her Traveler’s blue uniform, Roxal walked towards Edo, who was standing beside the table, waiting on her before being seated, as was protocol. Her dreadlocks, which reached almost to her waist, were still slightly damp.

  “Good new helio, Traveler,” Edo greeted her. Roxal understood that the fact that Edo had waited for her before being seated and had addressed her by her title meant he also believed they were being watched.

  “Good new helio, Helper,” she replied in kind and then took her seat at the table.

  After she sat, Edo also sat across from her and then began serving the food, making sure she was served first. First meal consisted of a coarse grain bread, a gelatinous protein mixture with some actual meat in it, and pieces of sour fruit, whose thick rind you cut into and threw away but whose leaves you ate along with the juicy meat of the fruit. Roxal tore a piece of the bread from the small loaf and spread the protein mixture on it. She was swallowing her first bite when Edo said, “I will not be joining you for mid-helio meal, Traveler. I will be working on a special assignment. Unless you believe you will need my assistance at mid-helio.”

  Special assignments were usually large-scale tasks primarily assigned to Laborers but that Helpers were allowed to assist with due to the scope or magnitude of the project. Edo had told her that these types of jobs were good cover for Resistor members, who used them to exchange information and other communiqués. There were usually large numbers of people working together from various sections of the compound. It would not be considered odd to see these people speaking to one another while working. Also, because the work usually consisted of manual labor, exchanging items could also be managed if you were careful.

  Roxal only replied, “Very well, Helper. I will see you in time for last meal before Glorious Session.”

  The rest of their meal was finished in silence. When they were done eating, Edo cleared the table and cleaned the dishes. Then they both left for their separate activities.

  ***

  Roxal entered the room for mental training. After getting strapped into the helmet, she heard the golden-yellow-uniformed Instructor announce, “Travelers, all bow for the entrance of The Keepers’ Representative of Section 02.”

  Our Rep, here, Roxal thought. Her stomach fluttered and her hands shook as she worked to remove the helmet and all of the wires and probes attached to her body. As soon as she was detangled, she dropped down onto her hands and knees and crouched until her forehead was touching the floor. In the silence, she heard other people in the room doing the same. Finally, no one was moving, and Roxal could hear nothing but the sound of her heart as it pumped blood through her body.

  “My Citizens, please take your seats.”

  Roxal climbed up from the floor, sat in her chair, and made sure to keep her eyes on the Rep’s feet.

  “I have come here today to speak with you individually. I know that you were all witness to the glory of The Keepers at just past helio’s assembly.”

  At the mention of The Keepers, Roxal and all of the other people in the room chanted, “All hail The Keepers! All hail The Keepers! All hail The Keepers!”

  “I am here,” the Rep continued, “to ensure we continue the good work that was begun. Each of you will submit yourself for examination to determine if you are still loyal or if you have been tainted and have become a blasphemer. When you are called, come and stand beside me and I will take you to your examination.”

  The Instructor began reading official designations, “Beta 58-04-17, Gamma 49-03-36, Beta 63-01-29...”

  As Roxal listened for her official designation, Beta 56-02-05, her stomach would flop every time he read a designation that began with Beta. Finally, he finished with the list. About half of her forty fellow training members had been called. Making sure to keep her head down, she looked in the direction of the people who had been selected.

  Roxal watched as they stood, seemingly docile, awaiting the Rep’s next command. Even though they had all attended the same assembly and saw the people get slaughtered on the platform just one helio ago, no one was resisting.

  “Thank you, my loyal Citizens, for your cooperation,” the Rep said, and she watched his feet move.

  When the Rep moved, she noticed the feet of several Security Force members standing by the door. Roxal kept her head down as her fellow training members left the room behind the Rep and wondered if she would ever see any of them alive again.

  ***

  When it was time for last meal, Roxal went to meet Edo and walk with him to the Travelers’ dining facility. Since he had been working on the special assignment all day, Edo had spent the day in the Laborers’ section of the compound. Both the Laborers and the Helpers lived in quarters different from Travelers.

  First, instead of having individual rooms, Laborers and Helpers slept in communal sleeping rooms with rows and rows of sleeping units stacked two high. Also, instead of having individual grooming corners, they also shared communal facilities. For clothing storage, there were two boxes at the end of each stacked sleeping unit, one for each person, which held everything the Laborer or Helper owned. The box did not have a lock of any kind. Everything about this setup was disturbing to Roxal, who had grown accustomed to having her personal quarters. Though, when she did really think about it, if one of the Reps or someone from the Security Force wanted to enter her quarters, there was nothing she could do to stop them.

  While Edo did have an assigned sleeping unit and storage box in the Helpers’ quarters, he now slept in Roxal’s. Usually, the only Helpers who actually slept in the shared living area were the older Helpers assigned to child Travelers. Most Helpers paired with adult Travelers slept in their Traveler’s housing. But, when Edo had first been assigned to Roxal, she had refused to invite him into her quarters out of spite. And to his credit, Edo never complained, or asked her to invite him in. Even though living in the common Helpers’ section surely must have been hard for him, since Edo had lived his life as a Traveler with private accommodations up to that point in his life.

  Roxal watched as other Travelers waited for their Helpers outside of the Helpers and Laborers’ sleeping area. None of them spoke to one another as they waited. Finally, Edo exited the Laborers’ section and nodded a simple greeting. Roxal nodded back and the two walked to the dining facility in silence. When she entered, Roxal saw several Helpers eating with their assigned Travelers. Generally, Helpers ate their meals with their assigned Travelers when their Travelers allowed it, because Travelers received better food than Helpers and Laborers.

  Roxal and Edo sat across from one another at the communal table. While first meal and even mid-helio meal could be eaten in Roxal’s quarters, all Travelers were required to eat last meal in the group dining facility before Glorious Session. In the group dining facility, everyone ate in silence. When last meal was completed, everyone exited and headed to the assembly hall for Glorious Session. Roxal and Edo again separated to go to the seats in their respective areas.

  As with all Glorious Sessions, Roxal marched in, in silence, with her fellow Travelers. Once she was seated, she waited anxiously to see what would happen. Though this Glorious Session was happening during the normally scheduled time, she was expecting to see another massacre.

  The tone sounded for the Reps to enter, signaling the start of the assembly. Roxal, and everyone else, stood and said t
he opening chant of submission to The Keepers. After the chant, as a Rep stood to begin talking, she expected to see the Citizens taken from her mental training class brought out on stage.

  However, instead of bringing out people to be executed, the Rep gave the usual sermon. He spoke about their history, about how they had practically destroyed their planet, and about how The Keepers had saved them. He talked about the greatness and the benevolence of The Keepers. At the appropriate times, Roxal chanted the “All hail The Keepers” refrain along with everyone else.

  Roxal kept waiting for the Rep to break from his normal lecture and bring out the ‘traitors’ from her mental training class. But it never happened. Views of their ruined world were shown, the lecture ended, everyone repeated the chant of submission to The Keepers, and then they were released.

  After the unexpectedly normal Glorious Session ended, Roxal walked back to her quarters. Soon, thoughts about the fate of her training mates were replaced with nervousness about what Edo had learned. She was sitting at the table in her quarters when Edo arrived. He walked in and, without any conversation, went about preparing for the next helio. Roxal had nothing to do, so she changed into her sleeping shirt and got into the sleeping unit to wait for him. Once he was finished, he changed into his sleeping pants and joined her.

  They copulated again and held one another until it was time to sit erect and recite the mantra. Then the lights were turned off. Once in the dark, they could use their hand signal language to speak.

  Our Section Rep came to my class and gathered about half of the Citizens for a loyalty review today, Roxal started the conversation. I do not know what has happened to them. I expected to see them executed in Glorious Session this helio.