The Heaviness of Knowing

by Sharolyn G. Brown

  Her nose began to run. She got up, went to the sink, and washed her face. She was drying it with a towel when she heard her door open and close. She walked out to see Edo standing just inside the door. Tears began to fall again. She went to the sink, washing her face again. Showing emotion would not help her appear loyal.

  When she had finished and exited the grooming corner, she found him in the sleeping unit, staring at her. His clothes were in a heap on the floor. This was highly unusual for the neat and organized man she knew. She went to him and they held one another until her shivering stopped. And the thoughts that were running through her head stopped. And in the peace of Edo’s embrace, Roxal slept.

  ***

  Roxal opened her eyes, feeling a hand on her mouth. She quickly assessed her situation. Her quarters were still dark. It was also quiet, so there likely was not more than one person, the owner of the hand over her mouth, in the room. Also, the hand was bare, not gloved like those of the Security Force. So she did not struggle or fight.

  The hand moved from her mouth and went to her stomach. I am glad you did not scream. I took a chance and woke you. You were not in the dreamscape with Lauren, were you?

  She moved her hands to his stomach, still feeling the sleep sluggishness. No. I was not dream traveling.

  I did not think you were. Your breathing changes when you travel. I cannot explain how it is different. I can just tell.

  She had no response, nor did Edo apparently expect one, since he kept his hand on her stomach. Grogginess helped with her patience.

  I presumed that you needed to talk to me. However, you were in no condition to speak when I arrived for rest. I thought it best to allow you to sleep first.

  Yes, she now signed on his stomach. The sleep has helped. What...

  She had all kinds of questions she wanted to ask, but did not know exactly how to start. She was afraid she would not be able to control herself. Her hands, still on his stomach, began to tremble. He grabbed her wrists and squeezed them. Instead of moving her hands so he could speak, he simply held her wrists. It was as if he were willing her the strength she needed to talk to him. She twisted her hands to free them from his grasp.

  What are we going to do? Conformity will no longer help us. The medicines and the machines will not allow us to hide.

  Roxal thought again about the scene the Rep had shown in the assembly. She did not know what the medicines were for, nor did she know exactly what the machines did. However, she had an idea, and knew Edo would also have a similar idea. They reminded her of the same machines used to measure her vitals during mental training class. He would have used the same machines during his mental training class before he was demoted from being a Traveler.

  Where were you after Glorious Session? And what are we going to do about the plan? What are the other Resistors going to do? And have they given up on this plan to live outside the compound? You heard the screams of the Citizen as he was being banished.

  She stopped signing. The fear in the pit of her stomach was growing, and she felt as if she were going to start crying again.

  I was delayed in returning to your quarters because I wanted to go to the Helpers’ dormitory to see if a coded message had been left for me. There was none, he responded.

  He paused again. His hesitation was now making her nervous. Her growing nervousness was waking her up. As for what we will do, the answer is to continue forward. The plan is in motion. If no one from leadership says to stop, we continue as planned.

  Continue as planned, she interrupted. Did you not hear his screams as he was led outside?

  Yes, I heard his screams. But do you really know what he was screaming in response to? No, you do not. Roxal, I know you are afraid. But do not let that fear trick you into believing the Reps and their lies. You saw the same scenes that I saw, and I know you noticed that the Reps were careful to never show you what he was looking at when the doors were opened. Just because they said he was being banished does not mean he was actually seeing outside the compound.

  Edo paused to allow her a chance to say something. When she did not move her hands to his stomach, he continued.

  We have discussed this before. The Keepers and the Reps are full of nothing but lies. That scene tonight was a show of force. To scare us into stopping our plans and waiting for them to capture and kill us. Or, to scare us into making a mistake. Do not believe anything from the Reps or The Keepers. Believe me. Do not let your fear make you dumb to what you know is the truth. Can you do that?

  He removed his hands from her stomach and awaited her reply. She thought about it and realized something. While the thought of death, either fast or slow and painful, terrified her, the thought of losing Edo terrified her more. This realization simplified her decision. It did not matter if his plan had no chance of success. Whether he lived or died, she would be by Edo’s side and share his fate.

  I can trust you, she responded. Nothing else was discussed.

  CHAPTER 7

  Lauren sat at her desk in her cubicle, staring at her prototype while holding it in her hands. She turned it over and over, searching for inspiration. The last idea she’d had, changing component materials, had helped some. But the microchip still overheated. She waited and waited, hoping for something to come to mind. For the past week, it was like she’d been in a design slump.

  A knock on the surface behind her startled her. She turned to see Lucas standing in the entrance to her cubicle. He chuckled. “Sorry I scared you. I just wanted to see how it was going?”

  “Nothing has changed. The microchip’s still overheating. I already told you this in my progress report this morning.”

  “Yeah, I know. But I thought maybe you’d had one of your strokes of genius.” A wide smile showing too many teeth was on his face. It creeped her out.

  “Sorry. No strokes of genius. Just more of the same thoughts. And I even tried my magic tonic”—Lauren lightly tapped the bag of Pixie Stix on her desk—“but nothing has helped.”

  “Hmm,” Lucas said and moved closer to her. “Are you okay? How are things at home? Are you sleeping fine?”

  She felt the heat rising into her face. She was sure he would be able to see steam coming out of her ears. “Why are you asking about my home life? That is none of your business!”

  “I don’t mean to pry.” He held his hands up in the air, as if he were surrendering to her. “I’m just trying to help you. Your project is important, and I’d hate to see your career ruined because you couldn’t get it done.”

  “Lucas.” She paused. She didn’t know how to tell him to ‘get the hell out of her space’ in a work-appropriate manner. Instead, she opted for leaving.

  She went to the ladies’ room, somewhere she knew he couldn’t follow her. She went into a stall, placed a seat cover on the toilet seat, dropped her pants and underwear, and sat down. She didn’t have to use the restroom, she just needed a break from Lucas. He had been riding her for the last week about the microchip, and she just wanted to be left alone to think.

  While sitting in the stall, Lauren heard the door open and the click-clack of high-heeled shoes on the floor.

  “I’m telling you what I heard. He was just in her cube asking her about how things were going at home. Has Lucas ever asked you about your home life?” Lauren recognized the voice as belonging to Shelia, the woman who sat in the cubicle next to hers.

  “No, he hasn’t. But I’m not assigned to a special project. Lauren is.” This voice was that of another woman from her floor, a younger woman named Valarie.

  She listened as two stall doors opened. The women entered, used the facility, and then exited a few seconds apart. The automatic toilets flushed behind them.

  “Special Project. I’m sure I can guess what’s so ‘special’ about it,” said Shelia. Valarie laughed. “All I’m saying is for the longest time, she’s been the golden child. Unable to do any wrong. And it just doesn’t make any sense. Have you ever tried talking to her? She’s nothing special.
But now, her project is behind schedule, and there seems to be trouble in paradise between the two love birds.”

  Lauren rolled her eyes as she listened. Love birds, she thought with disgust. She wanted to step out of the stall and make Shelia take back her lies. Stories like that were what made everybody avoid her.

  Valarie finished laughing at Shelia’s “love birds” remark and then replied, “Well, at least we see what happens when you sleep your way to the top. You may get there on your back, but you can’t stay at the top on your back.”

  “That’s a good one,” Shelia replied, cackling as the women washed their hands. They were still laughing as they left the ladies’ room.

  Lauren continued sitting on the toilet seat and counted to ninety. Not because she wanted to calm herself, but to make sure Shelia and Valarie would be gone when she left the ladies’ room.

  Women can be so freaking catty, she thought as she washed her hands. I have never done or said anything to them. But they feel the need to spread gossip like that about me.

  She didn’t want to take the chance of seeing Shelia, so instead of going back to her cube, she walked to the elevator and left the office.

  Sitting on a bench under a tree in the park across the street from her building, She tried to meditate. She was angry that, again, people were making up stories about her. She had never done anything to her coworkers. She kept to herself and did her work. And she was courteous. She said hello and signed cards and chipped in for group gifts. She just didn’t have much in common with the other people she worked with and therefore didn’t force herself to be friends with any of them. It never ceased to amaze her at how, if you didn’t try to be part of “the group,” then “the group” would decide you were the enemy and attack.

  These thoughts were swirling in her head. She needed to get control of them, and the associated anger, and let it go. Then she could focus on what was important in her life: her microprocessor.

  Breathing slowly in and out, her thoughts became nothing more than white noise. It felt really comfortable under the tree in the park. The weather was sunny but not hot. Humidity was low and there was a slight breeze blowing. As she kept her breathing slow and even, it started to feel as if she were floating. She floated far out of her body through a dark void. Then there was a light. She went to it.

  The light flashed brightly. When she could see again, she was standing beside a woman lying in a reclined seat, wearing a helmet with wires connecting it to her body. The woman appeared to be African-American, like her. Only this woman’s skin tone was a light amber brown compared to Lauren’s russet, medium brown. She could also see what looked like dreadlocks spilling out from under the helmet. And for some reason, the woman was wearing a pajama set that was the shade of deep blue that was Lauren’s favorite color.

  The machines beeped. Lauren didn’t know why.

  Then the head of the woman reclined in the chair jerked, and she turned to look in Lauren’s direction while still wearing the helmet. The woman’s head movement towards her frightened Lauren. Then the scene suddenly flashed bright and Lauren was back in her body. She blinked her eyes several times to adjust to the light of the sunny day. She didn’t know how long she had been meditating, but she felt the need to stretch. Her meditation had not given her any inspiration for what to try next with the chip. But it had made her feel rested. So much so that she went back into the office, not caring if Lucas and Shelia both were waiting for her when she returned.

  CHAPTER 8

  Two helios had passed since the banishment. Roxal had dream traveled during one of them. During each of these sessions, she had not worked on the microprocessor with Lauren. She had not felt like doing The Keepers’ bidding. Instead, she had discussed Lauren’s life.

  On the third helio after the banishment, Edo positioned his hands and told her, The plan has been set. We act at next Glorious Session.

  Roxal took a deep breath, nodding in the darkened room, feeling the sleeping unit shake as she did. Edo reached up and grabbed either side of her face and kissed her. Only then did she stop nodding. He pulled his mouth away from hers and slowly caressed her face, like he was trying to memorize the way it felt.

  On her forehead, he caressed along her hairline, brushing a few of her dreadlocks away from her face as he did. Then he kissed her forehead. He lightly rubbed over her eyes, and using his hand as guides, kissed each closed eyelid. Next, he kissed her right ear. Finally, he kissed her right cheek and then returned to her mouth.

  “You are the mirror of my soul. I do not know what will happen next helio. But I want you to know that I exist as a whole person only because I met you.”

  He did not sign this. Instead, he had whispered it into her ear. The warmth of his breath and the sincerity of the sentiment made her shiver.

  “And you, Edo, are the part of me I never knew I needed, but now cannot live without. You have given me knowledge of my world and knowledge of myself. And no matter the outcome next helio, I will be with you always.”

  She also said the words, defying anyone listening in or watching them to hear their murmured declarations of devotion to one another. When she had finished talking, Roxal kissed Edo’s ear, softly biting his earlobe.

  He kissed her again, his hands now leaving her face and reaching for her body as she reached for him. There was no rushing. If this was to be their last time together, she wanted to remember every moment of it. Edo must have felt the same because he also took his time. Joining in copulation, he only spoke one word to her, “Mine.” She agreed without speaking.

  When they were both satisfied, she lay on her side with him curled at her back. She knew that soon he would have to tell her the plan, but made no move to break their connection. It had only been three annums that he had been with her. Not enough time.

  He pulled away from her body and pulled her shoulder to signal her to turn over. This break from reality was over, and it was now time to discuss the plan. She turned over to face him and kissed him once more before getting her instructions for the upcoming battle.

  CHAPTER 9

  Remaining calm in mental training class had required Roxal to focus like never before. She performed as if the helio were a normal helio. Even though she again felt as if she were being watched. In several of her most recent mental training sessions, she had felt someone standing beside her, watching her as she completed her exercises. However, when she peeked from under the helmet, she could see no one standing beside her. She did not know if this was a trick by the Reps, or if her fear was getting the better of her. Either way, she ignored it. There was nothing she could do about being watched, so why concern herself, or Edo, over it?

  When mental training was completed, Roxal met Edo and they had mid-helio meal together. They sat side by side at a long table in the Travelers’ dining hall. In silence they ate, neither touching nor acknowledging the existence of anyone around them. Afterwards, in physical conditioning, she performed without any issues. She completed the necessary exercises and won most of her sparring matches. Late helio work session and last meal were also uneventful. Then came time for Glorious Session.

  As she stood in line, her stomach fluttered and her heart felt as if it were convulsing in her chest. Roxal only looked forward at the head of the person standing in line in front of her, forcing herself to not make eye contact with anyone around her. The tone that signaled the entrance of the Travelers sounded, and they began to file in. Deep breaths. She focused on her breathing, keeping it even. Thankfully, silent reverence was what was expected of her.

  After the Reps entered and led the group in the opening chant of submission to The Keepers, the speaker for the Reps began the normal sermonizing. “Back before The Keepers came to our world, we were a degenerate and desperate race. We had allowed our thirst for technological advancement and resource exploitation overtake our care for the planet that we inhabited. It was during this time that the great wars broke out.

  “No one was safe from the f
ighting and destruction. People were killed, either from fighting or from the famine and droughts that followed. Finally, in a last desperate move to put an end to the wars, one faction set off explosions that left us with the ruined world we have today.”

  Once again, a scene was projected over the platform where the Reps sat, showing the ruined landscape. She did not look up at it. She did not want to see what was being shown, again. She had seen it so many times that even without the video she could imagine it clearly. But Edo had said it was a lie. And for this helio, she needed to believe it was a lie. So she did not watch it.

  The Rep began his monologue again, “It was in this state that The Keepers found us. A remnant of people dying slowly, and painfully, in a ruined world. They saw us for the pitiful creatures we were. And with incomprehensible mercy, they saved us.

  “They built this compound to house us. Gave us ways to produce food to sustain us. And, most importantly, they ruled over us to make sure we would never recreate the same mistakes of our past. Oh, our glorious gods!”

  “All hail The Keepers! All hail The Keepers! All hail The Keepers,” the crowd exclaimed around Roxal as she sat in silence, awaiting the signal.

  “Yes, our gods are wondrous! After saving us, and preventing the extinction of our people that was all but guaranteed before they arrived, did The Keepers stop there?” The Rep paused, allowing his rhetorical question to hang in the air like always. “No, they did not stop there. Our gods sought to prevent what had happened to our world from happening ever again on any world. That is when they discovered Earth. And realized its people were on the same destructive path as we had been.

  “And again, the compassion of The Keepers moved them to act. They created our caste system. Cultivating a latent ability of some of the survivors of our world, they formed the Travelers caste, whose members have been given special missions. Missions that will save the Earth from itself. The work you Travelers do for The Keepers will ensure the survival of Earth.” A sea of cobalt blue-uniformed people replaced the image of Trebor’s decimated landscape.