The Heaviness of Knowing

by Sharolyn G. Brown

  I do not have the details yet. I will tell you when I do. We are in this together. Are we not? Edo replied.

  She slid her head on the smooth surface of the padding until her forehead touched his and nodded. They were both done talking for the night. Roxal closed her eyes and prepared for her visit with Lauren and dream-Edo.

  ***

  After the fourth and final helio of the special assignment work, Edo filled her in on the rest of the plan.

  There is a cell building the explosives that will be used in all of the attacks. It will take some time because if any of them are caught building these weapons, there will be no way for them to explain why.

  Once they have all the parts, each explosive device will be hidden somewhere near its intended target. In our section, Beta, we will be attacking the greenhouse and arboretum area.

  Roxal thought about the plan and calmed herself before asking her questions. How will we know when the device has been hidden?

  I, like the other cell leaders, will be signaled when all explosives are in place. We will then have two helios to communicate our next steps to the cell members under us.

  Will we meet before we implement this attack, or will we go into this mission blind?

  No, you and the other members will not meet before the attack. It is too risky. Everyone still believes that someone betrayed Jonar. His selection, and the selection of other cell members at Glorious Session, was too coincidental. We are not willing to risk letting the betrayer know any part of our plan before we have to. That way, it is less likely the Reps can stop us.

  Does this mean that I am the only person, that reports to you, who knows the plan other than you?

  Yes, Roxal. Other than me, you are the only person in my command who knows the details about what is going to happen.

  He could not see her face in the dark, but she smiled. She was putting all of her trust in Edo, that this was the right move and that living outside the compound was possible. It was reassuring to see that he was also taking a risk and trusting her with something no one else in his cell knew.

  What do we do, then, until you are signaled?

  We wait. You will know when it is time to act as soon as I am told. The rest of the cell will find out the helio of. We will make our move during Glorious Session.

  Roxal had more questions but decided to wait to ask them. For now, Edo had told her what he knew and that was enough.

  ***

  Roxal walked into mental training and was surprised to see that four of the twenty people who had been taken were present. They all looked horrible. They were skinnier than they had been when they left. One of the Travelers, a male, appeared to be limping as he walked around his testing console to set it for his training session.

  The returned Travelers did not speak to anyone and no one acknowledged their return. The Instructor directed the class to the selection of training exercises they were to work on that helio, and everyone, including Roxal, began.

  However, Roxal was nervous. She did not know what it meant that the people had returned. And that only four had returned. She wondered what had happened to the other sixteen.

  Surely they could not all be with the Resistors, she thought.

  The distraction of thinking of the people who had been taken caused Roxal to make a mistake during her training sim, and she had to start over. The mental training simulations were intended to teach Travelers how to control the dreamscapes. When they linked with their Earth Connections, they were jumping into a dream world that the Earth Connection created.

  The job of a Traveler was to first connect to this dream world and then guide it so that the Earth Connection would see and experience what the Traveler wanted his or her Connection to see and experience. There was a subtlety that was required. If a Traveler was too forceful, then the connection would be broken. However, if the Traveler was not forceful enough, the Earth Connection maintained control of the dreamscape and the Traveler could not teach what needed to be taught.

  The mental training sims attempted to model the brains of dreaming earthlings. At the start of the simulation, each Traveler was given a set of objectives and each had to guide the dreamscape to meet those objectives. When a Traveler veered too far off course, or was forceful enough to break the connection, the simulator sounded a loud buzzer. This served to let the Instructor know when a Traveler was failing to meet the objectives.

  Today, the return of the Travelers made Roxal repeatedly set her buzzer off. After the fifth failure, her simulator was shut down. She removed the darkened helmet from her head and began detaching herself from her machine. She sat reclined in her simulator chair, waiting for the Instructor to visit with her to determine why she was failing.

  “Beta 56-02-05, is there a reason that you are failing to meet your objectives today?” a voice standing beside her asked.

  Roxal opened her eyes to look at the speaker because the voice did not sound like that of her Instructor. She was right, it was not the Instructor. Instead, it was the voice of her Section Rep.

  Roxal froze. Staring at the covered face of her Rep, she could not move.

  “Beta 56-02-05, is there a reason that you are looking at my face and not answering me?”

  She scrambled down to the floor, kneeling at his feet.

  “Forgive me, your Highness. I was not expecting it to be you standing beside me. I apologize for my insolence. It will not happen again.”

  Roxal’s heart was beating so hard in her chest that it felt as if her body were throbbing in time with it.

  “Yes, we Keepers’ Representatives would not be effective if we only appeared when we were expected. Do you agree?”

  “Yes, your Highness. You are correct as always.”

  “My child, you may rise and sit in your chair.”

  Roxal slowly got up and sat back in her simulator chair. She took her time because she was dizzy and felt like she was going to be sick. Staring at the Rep’s feet, she watched as he walked from side to side, questioning her.

  “What is it that is affecting your performance today? I have looked at your record. And usually, you are one of the top performers in mental training. In fact, according to our records, your Earth Connection is close to completing the creation of her microprocessor. However, it appears that your performance has suffered as of late. Is there a reason?”

  “No reason that I can think of, your Highness.”

  His feet walked around to the external display for her simulator. She listened to the soft beeps that signaled he was pressing buttons on the screen.

  “It shows here,” the Rep continued, “that your performance dropped the same day as the assembly where we exterminated our first blasphemers. Is there a reason their deaths affected you?”

  Roxal’s mind was racing. Though she trusted Edo’s claim that the Reps were but men and not demigod-like beings who could see her thoughts, at times like this she felt exposed.

  “I was not affected by the deaths of the blasphemers, your Highness. I was upset by the fact that there were so many in our midst.” Roxal hoped he believed her.

  “Yes, it was disturbing to see so many traitors. But, I assure you, they were not the only traitors. We Representatives have unfortunately allowed a disease to grow and spread amongst you, our dear children. We chose compassion and mercy instead of the swift action we should have taken when this wickedness first became apparent in our midst. It is for that weakness that we have all repented. And part of our repentance is to strike out the disease from all places where it has taken root. Do you understand, my child?”

  “Yes, your Highness, I understand.”

  More soft beeps on the keypad. “Your performance dropped again four helios ago when we removed members from this class for further examination. Why did that affect you?”

  “Your Highness, unfortunately, your previous visit to this class showed me that it was possible that I have been training beside blasphemers. I never would have imagined anyone turning on our sa
cred gods, The Keepers. All hail The Keepers. All hail The Keepers. All hail The Keepers.”

  “Yes, not knowing the true motivations of those around you can be quite unnerving. But you need not worry about that. Because that is why you and your fellow Citizens have us. We are here to keep all loyal Citizens safe from those who would turn on our gods.” There was more beeping on the console.

  “And then finally, that brings us to now. Why is your performance suffering this helio?” He walked around from the console and stood beside her. He placed his hand on her shoulder, and Roxal flinched.

  “My child, what is wrong? We are merely having a conversation, and yet you seem nervous. Is there something you need to confess?”

  Without thinking long, she responded, “No, your Highness, there is nothing I need to confess. I am a loyal Citizen. The Keepers know all. The Keepers see all. The Keepers are gods and therefore must be obeyed. It is through their benevolence that I am allowed to live and serve them. If I can no longer serve The Keepers, then I no longer deserve to live.”

  The Rep stood in silence beside her chair. Roxal sat with her eyes closed and worked to keep her breathing even.

  “Well, I will allow you to return to your training. I will talk to you again when your examination time comes.”

  “Thank you, your Highness,” she exclaimed as she got back onto the ground, kneeling at his feet. She saw him walk towards the door and exit the training room.

  Her stomach started spasming. After waiting as long as she could, she jumped up from the floor and ran out of the class without requesting permission. She made it to a nearby grooming corner just in time to vomit into a sink. Her body continued until her stomach was empty. Then the dry heaving started.

  Tears streamed down her face from the pain caused by the continued contractions of her abdominal muscles. But she could not control her body. Time passed, and finally the spasms began to subside.

  Sitting on the cold floor, Roxal waited, expecting the Security Force to enter at any time and take her for examination. But it did not happen. The tone signaling the end of mental training and the beginning of mid-helio meal sounded. Though she knew she did not want any food in her system right now, she still got to her feet and went to bring Edo to the Traveler’s dining hall, so at least he could have a good meal.

  Later that night, Roxal explained what had happened in mental training with the Rep.

  I know he suspects me. I tried to answer the way I thought an innocent person would, but I do not think it worked. I know he knows that I am a traitor. She trembled slightly as she signed this to Edo.

  Her hands had been shaking as she told him about what happened. Several times during her story, he had held her hands to help control the shaking. It had not helped.

  I do not know what I should do. I do not want to be the reason that the Resistors fail. And I do not want to be taken for examination. The people who returned to training this helio looked horrible. I have no idea what happened to them. And sixteen people are still not back. Where are they? Are any of the missing people part of the Resistors?

  She was signing as fast as her quivering hands would allow.

  He had remained silent during her rant.

  I am not sure if any of the still missing members of your class are members, but there are some low-level Resistor members missing. We operate in separate cells to minimize the amount of damage any one person could have on the group. But with so many people missing...

  He paused but did not remove his hands.

  So far, no one that knows any details about the plan has been taken. But that could change at any time. I will need to talk to the leaders. I need to find out if this changes anything.

  He removed his hands and used them to grab either side of her face in the dark. He brought her lips to his and kissed her firmly on her mouth.

  For now, Roxal, just try to remain calm. Do not do anything out of the ordinary. Just fit in. You know how to do that.

  Yes, I know how to conform, she replied, fearing that conformity would no longer be enough to save her.

  CHAPTER 6

  The next helio three more people returned to mental training, making it a total of seven of the twenty people who were back. As she stood in line to enter Glorious Session, Roxal could not help but think about the thirteen people from her training group who were still missing. When the Travelers’ tone sounded, she entered the assembly room and took her seat. There had not been any new people taken, but she and Edo were still on edge because they had seen what the people who had come back were like. Since the people who had returned were not talking to anyone about what had happened while they were gone, no one knew what to expect. The not knowing felt worse to Roxal than almost anything they could have said.

  After going through the ceremonial opening, a Rep addressed the crowd. “You will remember that I told you before, on this stage, that we were facing a threat from nonbelievers who have turned away from our true gods, The Keepers.”

  “All hail The Keepers! All hail The Keepers! All hail The Keepers! All hail The Keepers!”

  “Yes, all hail The Keepers. To keep all of you loyal Citizens safe, we told you of the war we were initiating to root out the disease of blasphemy wherever it may be trying to hide. And to that end, I show you the fruits of our labor.”

  She looked up at the projection that appeared over their heads. She saw people strapped side-by-side to a table so long she could not see the end of it. As the scene expanded and more people came into view, Roxal saw that there were multiple long tables, each with multiple people, both men and women, strapped to them. They were all motionless. Each person was lying on his or her back with a white cloth covering them from their chest down. There were restraints going across their waists and their legs that secured them to their spot on the table.

  A machine was located above the head of each person strapped to the long tables. Wires ran from the machine and were connected to each person’s head, arms, and the exposed section of their chest. In addition to the wires, there were plastic bags hanging from hooks containing medications of various colors and thicknesses. Each person was receiving multiple medications through intravenous tubing. No one was moving. To her, it looked as if they may all be dead. She searched as many faces as she could to see if there were people she recognized. To her horror, of the many, many faces she searched, only two were familiar.

  After giving them time to take in the scene, the Rep continued. “What you see before you is the examination to judge your loyalty to our gods.” Roxal shuddered. “Those who have been found faithful have been returned to you.” She thought of the seven people from her mental training class who had been returned. “Those who have been found guilty will suffer,” said the Rep.

  The scene changed now to show Security Force members standing side by side, all dressed in black with their weapons in hand. Then she noticed there was a blue uniform in the midst of the black ones. It was the uniform of a Traveler. A Security Force member was on each side of him, holding him up by his arms. He was limp but not unconscious; she could see his eyes staring off into space. The Security Force members were carrying the Traveler somewhere.

  “This is a Citizen who, unfortunately for him, was found guilty of betraying our gods. His betrayal will be punished by death. But not the quick and merciful death that the other infidels received. This time, we must prove a point.” she remembered how Jonar and the other people had been slaughtered at the previous Glorious Session. Their deaths were anything but merciful, she thought.

  In the projection, the Security Force members marched in unison down a nondescript hallway, carrying the limp Traveler. The walls were the same dull gray metal of halls throughout the compound. There was nothing shown that would give a hint as to where they were. Then the Security Force members came to a stop, and the scene shifted. Instead of being focused on their helmeted faces, it was now looking over their shoulders from behind. All Roxal could see was a wall. They were standing motionle
ss in front of a basic, generic wall. She had no idea how this wall was part of the punishment.

  And then, a seam appeared down the middle of the wall. This seam continued to grow wider and wider. The wall was opening. As the opening grew, the scene focused back onto the face of the condemned Traveler.

  Now, his eyes, which had originally stared lifelessly, suddenly became erratically active. “No! No! No!” he screamed and struggled against his captors. The Security Force members continued to hold him. His struggling hardly seemed to register. The scene continued to focus on the Traveler. Then the angle froze and the Traveler passed by, leaving only the trailing Security Force members visible. However, the screams of the Traveler could still be heard.

  “You will not be allowed to continue doing this! We are not your slaves! You will not win,” were the shouts heard from the Traveler. Then there was silence. And the scene went black.

  “My Citizens. That traitor has been exiled.” Gasps were heard throughout the people gathered in the assembly. “His death will be torturous, slow, and agonizing. Exactly what a blasphemer deserves. So, to our loyal Citizens, I say, ‘Do not fret. You will have the opportunity to prove yourselves loyal during your examination.’ And to the other blasphemers, I say, ‘Your exiles will soon be at hand.’”

  ***

  Glorious Session ended, and Roxal walked back to her quarters. Conformity required that she show no emotional reaction to what she had seen. It will be fine as long as I can talk to Edo, she thought. She said this over and over as she walked. Once inside her quarters, she undressed and got into her sleeping unit. Edo was not there.

  She turned her face into the pillow and let out a soundless scream. The area around her face warmed as she did. Tears escaped from her eyes. She inhaled a ragged breath, and released another soundless scream. Tears continued to fall into the pillow, the wet area growing, encompassing more of her face.

  More death. No escape. No survival outside the compound, she thought and started to shake. It was suddenly freezing cold in her quarters. She wrapped the covering around her body. Where is Edo? Has he been…? She could not finish that thought.