Living with Shadows

by Annette Heys

  As luck would have it after I turned nineteen my uncle came over from England so I asked him if I could go back to England with him. He gave me the answer I was waiting for. I told my Mum she was not really happy about me going but did not try and stop me because she thought I would be back after a few month’s. I remember walking with my uncle to the car. I looked over my shoulder and saw my Mum and brother and sisters standing at the back door. I never said goodbye or give any of them a hug or a kiss but nor did they. I dont think they knew what was really going on. I think they were all stuck in a trance. I dont think any of us thought we would ever see each other again, until years later when I ended up in prison.

  Anyway I was glad I was leaving Belfast it was a personal nightmare for me because we lived in a mainly protestant area and my Mum married a catholic. It did not go down to well. I was to young to understand any of this why the nightmare started. The blokes came up to me and said what they do to people like me. I ended up getting beaten up, spat at, tormented. It got to the stage when ever I went out I got chased and the same thing would happen again. I dont know why but I never told anybody about this. I could not see the point. They could not do anything about it. It got worse when I started school. I’d bunk off school nearly every day. Even one of the teachers grabbed me by the throat and said what he’d like to do to me. Then there was this other teacher. He went one step further. He punched. I thought he blinded me because when I got up I could not see for a few seconds. I felt a total outcast from everywhere. I got so used to this happening that I expected something to happen every time I went out.

  In the end I left for England with my uncle. I wont forget going to England because my uncle was a tight old git so instead of paying for a ticket for the boat to England I was told to hide down the back of the car so I did not have to pay. I offered to pay. If he could get away without paying for something he would. I felt like a fugitive on the run but it was good fun and Im surprised we got of the boat without paying.

  When we arrived in England I was looking forward to seeing all my cousins and my Gran. She was a nice person. When I met them all my cousins they all made me feel welcome. My elder cousin took me out for a drink in a few pubs. I’d never been in a pub until then. My cousin Frank was getting all these drinks in and I was feeling pissed. After about 4 pints he went of to the bog so I put the drinks on another table and put the empty ones on our table. I couldnt drink any more. I dont like drinking that much I find it boring going to a pub just to get drunk. Well I lived with my Mums sister and husband and all their family which was 8 in all including me. It was a bit crowded. I left after about 4 months cause there was a lot of arguments about stupid things really. I managed to find somewhere else to live with my uncles mother in law. She was alright. I liked her daughter but she was engaged to some bloke. I thought he was OK but I did not know they were having a few problems. Anyway we got talking and we enjoyed each others company. When her boyfriend was at work I used to go around to her place to keep her company. Nothing happened that should not have happened we just got on well together. She, Tracy, had a little kid as well. He was a nice kid. When he was asleep after a month or two we got friendly and had a bit of a fling. It only happened because her boyfriend worked late at night and she thought he was at it. I hated going out with someone elses girlfriend but this was to happen a lot over the years, women leaving their boyfriends for me. Nothing to do with me, they just did it but who am I to complain. To me women are the superior of the human race. They are smarter. You can always have a good conversation with them and of course they are all sex goddesses. That’s the way I see it anyway. I cant wait for women to rule the world.

  Anyway I lived with this girl Tracy. It lasted all of one week. When I got to her place I felt lost I preferred it when we were sneaking around.

  Well I left Tracy’s flat and went back to her mother’s house her Mum was surprised to see me. She thought we had an argument. Well we never. Tracy’s Mum who I now was living with and her husband said they were leaving Watford and moving to Birmingham. It did not take me long to make my mind up. I knew Tracy would get back with her boyfriend. After all he was the father of her kid. The way I see it moving to Birmingham was a chance to make a new start and to meet new people. The place we moved to was Walsal, the other side of Birmingham I think anyway. Me and my landlady’s son were on a quest to seek out some girls. I think it took 2 weeks to score. Well I did anyway cause I was 21. I told what ever girl I went with I was seventeen. All the girls who lived around our area were about sixteen to twenty one. Well me saying I was seventeen really fucked me up. I went out with this one girl Sarah. She told me she was sixteen she looked older. Id been going out with her for about 3 weeks when I found out from some other girl she was only 14teen. I thought shit Im glad we only just kissed and had a laugh. Im glad nothing else happened. So I told her I did not want to go out with her any more. She went right mad at me. I thought I was doing the right thing so I told her how old I was. To think I used to walk to school with her. I wondered why all these girls were looking at me when I was with her. Im glad that was over we still stayed friends in the end.

  The people who I lived with were alright depending on the weather. May my landlady she blew hot and cold. One day she was nice the next day she could be a horrible witch. She suffered from depression and it did not help knowing her dad was dying from cancer. You could be watching t.v. and she would start crying then she would have these fits of laughter but she was a nice person considering. Her son Brian was a right little wanker. He would tease and pester his Mum. No wonder she was like she was. I did not like him but I tolerated him for as long as I could. His stepfather who lived with us was a nice bloke. When his wife May had one of her mad fits he would get in the car and go for a drive. He was like me we liked the quiet life. I did not like it when people tried to stress one another out with their problems. As far as I was concerned I was still only a kid even at 21 and I was still learning about life. All these mad people this was all new to me. Don’t get me wrong if I could have helped I would have. I have always gotten on with people until they take advantage of my good nature which seemed to happen a lot and that’s why I find it hard to trust people. When I start trusting someone then as far as I am concerned they’ve got a friend for life. Well we lived in Walsal for about 4 months then we moved again to another part of Birmingham. It was a bit of a come down I mean in the street we had nosy neighbours. Parties I did not mind. I never really been to any. We got friendly with a couple across the road. I cant remember their names but one of them was in a wheel chair and her boyfriend was an ugly git and the son lived there my landlady’s son who was like a dog who keeps following you. Anyway we went over to their house for a couple of drinks. It was not bad. There was this one girl and the rest were blokes about 5 or 6. I tried my best to chat this one bird up. It was no good she was having none of it. I thought charming, she’d rather talk to some queer than go out with me. Well I downed a bottle of snakebite, a mixture of lager and cider, great stuff. I remember going home thinking I lost out to a queer. I took a look in the mirror, what a great sight. I thought this bird I tried to chat up she was the first bird in ages, like 3 weeks. This place where we moved to had a lack of women. I was thinking that bird I tried to chat up must of been a lesbian. I have to admit one of my fantasies is seeing two women getting it on having it off. So now we have been in the street for a month and not one babe until I saw this blonde girl Carol who lived next door to them people I mentioned. We had a few drinks and I thought wow, where’s she been hiding all this time. So to another conquest. I got friendly with this girl but she had a boyfriend but that never stopped me before. His name was Frankie. He was in his middle forties and Carol was only 23 two years older than me. Well he felt a bit threatened with me and Brian but he learned to live with it and anyway he was a pretty hard bastard so I was not going to fuck about this time, no way, not yet anyway. This Carol, she was so horny she was turning m
e on every time I went over to her house to see her Frankie was there. She would always talk dirty in front of me and Brian saying what she does with her boyfriend and how she was going to do it. I loved hearing her talk like this. A lot of women wont which is ashame. I see nothing wrong with it. So anyway this Carol had a friend coming down from Suffolk to stay a short while. The friend was another women Sheila and her boyfriend and she had this big herd of children, about five of them, all very young. They were nice kids. This Sheila’s boyfriend did the dirty. He left her and started seeing this Carol. Frankie found out but nothing much happened. Sheila and this Carol went out for some drinks while I, me of all people, baby sat all these kids who were hanging all over me. I got used to them. To tell you the truth I started to like the little brats. Carol and Sheila came back from their drinking binge. They weren’t pissed, just a bit merry. I heard them coming back. They were singing or trying to. They came in the house and that lazy bastard Sheila’s boyfriend came down stairs. He caught me kissing this Carol and he went mad like a pussy cat and threw something which missed. Anyway he stormed out but came back after ten minutes. Then everything was alright. Then this Sheila asked me and Brian who was the best kisser. So we put it to the test and I won. I kissed her. I was feeling hot so I touched one of her tits then she said not on the first date. I thought ok.

  She wanted me to go up to Suffolk with her but I could not look after her and her five kids. If I could who knows I might have. But I already had my own plans. I was thinking of going to see my dad who I had not seen since about seven. It was nearly fifteen years and anyway things weren’t going too well at my landladys. I wanted to punch her sons lights out. I wanted out of this mad house. If I stayed any longer I might have ended up like them. Thankfully I didn’t.

  Kate paused a while. She hadn’t expected him to write so much or to be so enlightening about his sex life. There was an innocence about him that probably stemmed from his sheltered existence in Belfast. She felt for him. This account of his life so far portrayed a pretty gloomy picture. It seemed he’d led a very unsettled life with . . . what . . . around six moves in a few years!

  She went into the kitchen to make herself a coffee while she mulled over the first part of his letter. There was no mention of how long he’d lived in Belfast but since he hadn’t got an Irish accent, she guessed it couldn’t have been since early childhood. No wonder he was keen to leave the place with so much hate and prejudice, yet moving to England hadn’t improved his luck. She wondered about his lack of emotion on leaving his family, the way he drifted in and out of people’s lives and his relationships with girls, most of them older and more experienced than him.

  Kate took her drink and hurried back into the living room, wanting to know if things improved after meeting his father, though fifteen years was a long time and she imagined how awkward that first meeting must have been.

  My dad lived in Sheffield. I thought Im going to see him and if it does not work out then I was going to move back to Watford. I had to stay at this mad house for another month or so until I saved up some money. In the mean time I still kept going over to Carol’s house. By then Sheila had gone back to Suffolk. I only went over when my landlady had one of her fits or I would go for a very long walk and think of things like what was my family up to or have they forgotten about me yet, or why was I still with this crazy family. The truth was I’ve never been by myself and I don’t think I would like to either, or I would think of other silly things like what would I be doing in ten years time from now, or would I find the girl of my dreams. I often thought why was I on this planet? After all what did I have to offer? Here I was, 21, unemployed, not very bright, going nowhere in life, no talent what so ever. To me living was not all it was cracked up to be. I was very disappointed with life. I sometimes wished for the grim reaper to come and take me away and see if the grass is really greener on the other side. I think I thought like this cause of my shitty past life and this mad family. Well the mother and son anyway. Well I left there and went to Sheffield to see this person who was partly to blame for bringing me into this world. Id not seen him since I was about 5 or 6. I only remember him when we got smacked. Some memory. But I thought well he is older and may be wiser. I thought to myself do I call this person dad or by his name. After all it was a stranger. So I thought why don’t I call him dad to wind the old bastard up. I only wanted to see if he had changed and see what he looked like. I was not nervous about meeting him. After all he was the main reason why my Mum left him. After he came back from the pub he thought he was a man by beating my Mum black and blue. She soon left him. That’s how we ended up in Belfast.

  Well I got the coach to Sheffield, what a dump, and got a taxi to his house. I got out and his girlfriend was waiting at the door for me. I went in the house and saw this tall, a bit over weight bloke standing there. So this was my dad. I did not feel anything for him. We went out that night for a drink with his girlfriend. I don’t remember saying much that night. I was still feeling a bit tired from the journey up. After a week I found out what he was really like. He got pissed, had an argument with his girlfriend who he had been with for a few years. Anyway she walked out on him. She asked me if I was staying. I thought Im not going to look after that drunken shit head. When I went off with Eileen he started accusing her of taking his son. I thought what a load of bollocks. I had one birthday card off him in fifteen years and he thinks Im his son. No way. Anyway I got to meet the rest of Eileen’s family. They were all nice and they were women but unluckily for me they were all married. I ended up staying with one of Eileen’s sons. He was all right as long as he laid of the drink. His girlfriend was ok as well. I still went around to see my dad but I couldn’t live with him. He was too much of a piss head. I would go out with him for a drink but I made sure he paid for it. I thought I could make a go of it but things changed. As the weeks and months went by my dad would be drunk a lot of the time. His girlfriend Eileen would leave him after arguments with him. Once she left for 3 weeks. I thought that was that but like some stupid women do they come back for more punishment. I don’t know what makes women do this. I always thought they were smarter than that. Id never dream of hitting a woman no matter what. The only way I would hit a woman is by putting her over my knee. Very kinky. Well I left Sheffield after about four month’s. There were some good times and some bad but Im glad I found out what he was like. I thought all these things my Mum said about him were just to put me off seeing him. Well I was wrong. She was right. Its right what they say always listen to your mother they know Best well sometimes anyway. When I left Sheffield I never told anybody I was going except for this one family I got to know while I was there. They were very nice. The old woman was not that well but I told her why I was leaving. She knew what my dad was like and she understood why I wanted to leave without telling anybody. I thought it was a good idea at the time and I still do.

  Well I got a coach down to Watford. I never told anyone I was coming. I think its better that way. Well I got to my aunties place but she was never there. She worked in a chip shop. She would never let me pay for anything. I always felt guilty about that. She got told off a few times for it but nothing worried her. She was my favourite aunty. She always looked after me. She had nothing to worry about with me because I never got into any trouble only because I never looked for it and it didn’t look for me. That’s the way I liked it. Well I had to find a place to stay. I couldn’t stay at aunties place so my cousin found a place for me. It was with this old woman and her son. They seemed nice at the time but I was so wrong. The old woman she blew hot and cold. One day she was nice the next a horrible bitch. Lucky for me I got a job working in a warehouse full of booze. The smell of the place would make you feel sick cause of all the spilt drinks but you got used to it or you have to if you want to earn some money. This was really my first real job. I remember my first pay packet, £10 quid. I went to the pub with one of my work mates for a drink. It felt good to have some re
al money in my pocket. It never bothered me before. What you aint got you can’t miss. For the first time I was happy. Not because of the money but I was doing something I really injoyed. I like working. Im not work shy. Cause of some of the places I lived in it was hard to find work. I did work in Sheffield only part time working in an ice cream factory. It was alright while it lasted.

  This warehouse I worked in was a bit of an early start. I would leave at 5 in the morning and get back home about 3 or 4. Some days I felt knackered but you get over it after a while. There were some good blokes that I got to know, even the boss was ok. He would take us all out for a drink. It was great at Christmas time when the boss would book some club for us and all wives and friends. Me and my mate would always get pissed and show ourselves up. We would end up having a good fight. Every one who knew us pretended they never knew us. I even tried to chat up one of my bosses mothers. She must have been about 70—I was well out of it. It was even better trying to find our way back home. I ended up in someones front garden and woke up after about an hour wondering where the fuck I was. Then me and my mate would have to show our face’s at work and hear about all the embrising things we got up to. I thought this was all part of growing up and having fun. God knows I deserved a bit of fun in my life. Yeah, I had some good times at work. I never missed a day in 2 years except when I was very ill with asthma for a week. I thought I was dying. I was stuck in this hospital all week without any visitors. My landlady at the time and her son did not bother coming up. I was used to this kind of thing happening. It happened while I was in Birmingham as well. I was in hospital for the same thing for a couple of weeks so me being in hospital by myself was nothing new. At least I had all these sexy nurses looking after me. It was like heaven except when I was put on one of them drips and when I had to take all these different drugs and medicine. When I left hospital I thought I was dead meat. I walked across the road and I suddenly felt weird. I thought I was going to clapse in the middle of the road. I think the fresh air and these drugs and medicine had something to do with it. This weird feeling lasted a couple of seconds but it seemed longer. Lucky for me the car slowed down and I got to the other side. Anyway it took me about half an hour to walk home. When I got back home I was not asked anything. She my landlady went on how they haven’t eaten all day. I thought well not my problem. So she put the guilt trip on me saying she was going down to her sons house to borrow some money. I thought what a load of crap. Her son lived about five miles away and she had no money for a taxi so her guilt trip worked. I ended up walking around the shops to get some food. Then I remember when my money went into the bank late and I told my landlady I would have to wait till the next day. She did her nut and said I would have to find somewhere else to stay but she knew very well I had nowhere else to go. This was about 12 at night. Id just come back from work to this shit. I ended up walking down to the bank in the early hours of the morning to get my money. When I came back with the money her eyes lit up. She was all smiles. She was like Jekyll and Hyde. Then there was another time when I had money go missing. I asked her about it and she just said if you think I done it you better leave. I knew the bitch done it. She suddenly had plenty of cigs and sweets and she told me earlier she had no money and anyway I couldn’t leave cause of my JoB and anyway Ive never lived by myself. I don’t like being lonely. Some days I felt like killing her. She used to make me so mad I was like a time bomb ready to explode. I had a lot of anger built up inside me which was built up over a period of 10 or more year’s. I knew I would hurt someone if they pushed me too far but this was to happen and I would end up in Prison.