Living with Shadows

by Annette Heys

  Something wet touched the back of her hand followed by a gentle nudge.

  She put down Michael’s letter and stroked the dog’s grey muzzle. ‘You want to go for a walk?’ At the mention of a walk, her ears pricked up and her tail whisked the air. ‘OK, Jade, I think some fresh air will do us both good.’ Michael’s depressing story was getting to her, the despair and anger which still wasn’t far from the surface judging by the way he wrote about his landlady. Did everyone have a breaking point? She remembered a time when she was pushed close to it. Just one more step and in a matter of seconds her life might have been changed forever.

  Outside, the afternoon sun was brilliant white and the scent of blossom from a lilac tree beside the garden gate caught in Kate’s throat. It felt good to be out in the fresh air.

  Her next-door-neighbour was stooped over a border tugging at weeds. She lifted her head as Kate passed and commented on the weather. Kate knew her neighbour would like her to stop and chat but she made a cursory reply and hurried past. Doris could talk for England.

  She hadn’t taken more than a few steps before thinking she ought to have stopped awhile, asked how she was doing. It was less than six months since her husband had died suddenly, leaving her quite alone. They’d been inseparable—a real Darby and Joan. She turned her head but already Doris was back to the weeds, a tiny, solitary figure filling in an hour or so of the mighty gulf of loneliness that her husband’s death must have left in her life.

  She wondered what it must be like to be that lonely. Not short term loneliness but the loneliness where you wake up each morning and never speak to another living soul. She wondered if that was why Michael moved in with people who were comparative strangers; why he was prepared to put up with his landlady’s strange behaviour, because he couldn’t bear the thought of living alone.

  Kate speculated on the times she’d lived on her own. Once, when she was about twenty, she’d rented a bed-sit, a dingy, dark room in a house shared by four or five people she rarely met. If they did happen to pass on the stairs or the corridor, there was never any eye contact between them. They simply moved silently and quickly on their way. She was only there about three weeks and hated every minute. The nights were the worst, lying awake listening to every sound, her imagination linking something terrible to each one.

  Then there was the time her ex husband worked away from home for weeks on end. She dreaded going to bed and always kept a light on throughout the night, a habit she never grew out of.

  She asked herself if it was loneliness or the dark she feared as her memory took her further back to when she was seven years old. Her mother was expecting Ken and her parents’ bed was brought downstairs into the living room. An aunt came by each day to help with shopping, cleaning and looking after her and James. About a week before the new baby was due, James went to stay with another relative while she was sent to her grandparents some thirty miles away.

  The house had three bedrooms but two of them were filled with clutter, things accumulated over a lifetime, too good to throw away but probably would never be used again. It meant she had to sleep on the sofa in the parlour, a huge moquette affair with a high back. A piano stood against the wall next to the door and opposite, a tall mantelpiece with two huge brown papier-maché vases covered in Japanese drawings of warriors on horseback. In the hall just outside the parlour was a grandfather clock with a long brass pendulum. Its constant ticking and the deep chime that pierced the black room every half hour kept her from a restful sleep. Everything was dark and ancient and Kate remembered waking in the middle of the night and squinting into the gloom where shadowy figures seemed to loom up out of the darkness above the high backed sofa. Even when she closed her eyes tight shut and pulled the covers up over her head, the black shadows wouldn’t go away. Finally, fear got the better of her. She threw back the covers and crept upstairs into her grandparents’ room. Her grandmother helped her up into their bed and settled her between them with a few kind words. The awkwardness of sleeping in her grandparents’ bed was nothing compared to the overwhelming fear she had experienced downstairs. Not everyone was content though. As he turned over she heard her grandpa grumble, letting her know he minded being disturbed in the middle of the night.

  After that, she just wanted to go back home, unable to face another night in that room. Nothing could persuade Kate to stay and this time it was her grandmother who lost patience with her for being so stubborn. So they took the long bus journey home, where Kate suffered another show of displeasure from her mother. But it was worth the scolding just to curl up that night in the bed she shared with her brother, leaving the scary shadows far behind.

  How different that overnight stay had been from the pleasant family visits to her grandparents’ house where they would have dinner served on beautiful china plates, sit and look at picture books by the fireside or play outside in a sun-drenched garden. She could still remember the tall blue lupins in the borders and the overgrown bushes at the bottom of the garden where she was often discovered in their games of hide and seek. It awakened in Kate the realisation that people as well as places were not always what they might seem.

  Kate must have been gone about an hour, lost in memories kindled by a simple act of neglect. On the way back she resolved to pass some time with Doris, perhaps invite her in for a coffee. It wasn’t necessary. The only sign she’d been there was a bucket full of weeds and a soiled path. Her good intentions would have to be postponed.

  When she walked through the gate and noticed Jim’s car on the drive, her immediate sense of pleasure was quickly dispelled by the thought of Michael’s letter lying on the coffee table.

  Well while I was at work someone I knew for a few years asked me if I would go on holiday with him to Greece. I thought well I aint really never been on a proper holiday before. Then we started talking about staying over. I was all for it. I wanted to leave where I was living for obvious reasons or I would have gone totally mad if I wasn’t already and work was getting boring as well. It was no longer fun any more to me. I was just looking forward to leaving this country for somewhere nice and hot. That’s all I could think about from the time I went to sleep till the time I woke up and I did not tell that bitch of a landlady I was going. I was just going to leave. If God was punishing me for some strange reason it was certainly working. Ive come across some strange people so far in my young life and Im sure there are a lot more to come. On the day I left for my holiday I did as I normally would but left the house at four in the morning instead of 5. I would have loved to see her face when she found out I was not coming back. As far as I was concerned she could rot in hell for all I cared the evil wicked bitch. Me and my pal were on our way to the airport for a holiday of a life time. I had butterflies just thinking about flying in a plane. The food was very dear and on the plane I had my doggy bag ready just in case I was sick. I hated the take off. It looked like we were never going to get off the ground. Before take off we had these stewardesses telling us what to do if the plane was to crash. I thought thanks. I was terrified. As it was, I think if one of the engines stopped my heart would have stopped. I looked out of the window a couple of times and all I saw was clouds and a long way down. That was enough to put me off. It did not help. Me and my pal were stuck in no smoking seats and any time one of us wanted a smoke we had to go up the back of the plane and sit with these two nice young women. I think I had about ten. They were nice girls. At least we had someone to talk to and this kept our minds off flying for a while. We finally touched down in Greece. When we got off the plane the first thing I noticed was the heat. You could have fried a cat on the runway it was that hot. It was mad trying to find our luggage but we managed to find it. We got to our coach and were on our way to where we were staying. It was a good hours drive but we did not mind as all I could see was the clear blue sea and all these hill top mountains and all the holiday makers. It was a very beautiful place. I was definitely lookin
g forward to seeing more of it.

  The place I was staying at was not bad. I could see the beach from my balcony and it was only five minutes walk which was handy. The beach was not sandy. It had all these small rocks on it and it was a bit of a pain walking on these as they were hot on the feet. It’s the first time Ive swam in the sea and could see my feet and everything else unlike the waters in England that’s murky and polluted and smells. The first night there we took a walk around the place to see what the night life was like. There was plenty off night clubs and pubs. Most off the people I met were ok. The drink’s and food was very cheep and it even tasted good. Most place’s stayed open to the early hour’s of the morning, that’s when me and my pal would sort of stagger back to our place and promise never to touch another drink as long as we lived, but when the next night came around again we’d get pissed up again. I always made sure I did not get so drunk that I couldn’t remember the night before and I never suffered hangover’s so I always got up for a big fry up, a big plate of grease. I tried some of the Greek’s food but I mainly stuck with English food. At least you know what you have eaten. You hear about these forgners eating cat’s and dog’s and other animals. No thanks Im sticking to English while Im hear.

  The second or so day in Greece I spent in the clear sea and hot sun. I never bothered with all them sun cream’s but I wished I did. I stayed in the sun to long and got burnt badly. I ended up staying in bed for 3 days. I was well pissed off as I could not move or walk. My mate brought the food back, pizzas. We lived on them and beer. When my mate went out in the morning the cleaner would come around to clean up. I thought Id make some conversation with her but would you Adam and Eve it, she never spoke a word of English. After a few day’s I had enough of lying around. I was still in some pain but I was hear to enjoy myself. I went out to a club were live band’s play. This one band was pretty hot. They played my sort of music. I got them to play some Beatles songs and they would always finish the night with Hey Jude. Everyone joined in and I thought it was cool standing on the table knocking all these empty glasses everywhere. Drink turns people into lunatics but aint it great. Me and my mate hired one of them paddle boat’s for a laugh. We went out miles and were so far from the beach there was this ship not that far from us. Im glad we never sank cause I would have never made it back to the beach.

  I had a go on them ski bikes which was not to bad but Id rather walk and see some of the other islands. There were some great big hills that I would have loved to climb up but my legs was still sun burnt and that was that. We tried out a lot of the night clubs. Some were good and some was totally shit not worth bothering with. The best part of the day was walking on the beach. These women would be lying there topless. You couldn’t help but look. Me and my mate never had much luck over there with the women. The ones I liked were always forgine and never understood a word of English so that was a waste of time.

  The place made you sort of forget about England for a while. I was not bothered because as far as I was concerned I was staying here. Me and my mate had been talking for month’s about staying in Greece and finding work and a place to stay but things dident turn out as pland and on the last week of our holiday my mate changed his mind about staying. I was totally gutted. All I could think about was having to live at that horrible house with that wicked bitch again. I started getting very depressed about things and life and started thinking what I was going to do. I only came up with one thing and that was to end it all. I just couldent take any more. Id been let down so many times by people who I trusted that I couldent see any other way out. This was all I could think about for the last couple of days left in Greece. I tried to act normal as if I was not bothered about going back to England. I was really mad with this so called pal. He was like the rest of them. They had no balls but I never let it show. I was mad with him but I just played it cool.

  The last two days in Greece was not much fun for me. I only had one thing on my mind. I tried telling myself I was being a bit drastic but my mind was already made up. I decided I had as good a life as possible and all good things must come to an end sometimes. But I had to wait till I got back to England before I could do anything. I enjoyed my stay in Greece. I had a good time considering. It was the best holiday I ever had. We were on our way back to England and then we touched down at the airport. After getting of the plane and picking our things up there was a bomb scare and every body had to wait in this aircraft hanger for 3 or 4 hours. I did not care about this long wait. I only wanted to go to the shops for some pills. When we finally got out of the airport all the shops were closed so I had to wait for the next day to get what I wanted.

  I was quite surprised when I went up to the check-out with all these pills, 15 small boxes of them. But I suppose it’s the money they are interested in at the end of the day and not what people get up to. I waited till it was dark and started taking these pills with some bottle’s of cider as I was not to keen on beer. I took about 200 or more and layed down on this hill top and just waited for whatever was supposed to happen. Next I closed my eyes and hoped this was the last time I had to see this place or any people except for angels of course. You might think I was over-reacting at this time but I dident think so, I really did have enough at this point in time. I thought things couldent get any worse but they did. I never did go and die on them tablets. I ended up being very sick and spewing all these tablets up. I thought never again. After a couple of day’s I decided to go back to the old witches house my landlady. I only went back to see if I had any letter’s and to get some clothe’s and to get my hifi and sell it as it no longer worked. I found the JoB very boring doing the same thing day in day out and the same old people. Anyway I wondered what she was going to say but I never gave a shit about her any more. Well I knocked on the door and she answered it. I told her what I came for and she asked me in. We got talking and she asked me where Id been. I made up some rubbish that I lost my Job and had no money so I could not stay any more. She believed me. I hated lying. She asked me where I was staying and I said under the sky and then she said if I wanted to come back I could. I found myself saying yes. I was asking for punishment I have to admit. She was acting very nice but as usual it did not last very long. I now had to sign on the dole as I had no JoB but I was not bothered as I was sure something else would come up. In the mean time I was not doing much may be going out and playing a bit of football or down the Pub for a few drinks. By now I stopped going out with any girls since I left Birmingham. I was sort of waiting for the right one to come along but it never did happen. I think I was aiming to high. I wanted a woman not some little girl. But all the women I knew were all married. I do prefare mature women as they seem to be more exciting. Well I left again. I thought I might as well go back to Belfast.

  When I left my landlady’s house again I had no where to go. Well I could have went to my cousins but I don’t like asking for help of anybody as I was a bit stuburn. Anyway I ended up not going anywhere just living on the street. It was not that bad. I would go to the swimming baths to make sure I was clean and go to the laundery to clean some of my clothe’s. I couldent understand why people on the street’s dident look after themselves more instead of walking around like tramps. Of course they were. The only thing I hated about it was I couldent get much sleep. I was only outside for a week and a half. Id hate to think what it was like for years. I only had to wait two weeks and I was going back to Belfast but this was not to happen. I got into a stupid argument with some other bloke. He lived on the street as well. I never knew him but Id seen him a couple of times. The really stupid thing was I was carrying a knife on me. I only did it cause I was on the street. I’m not a violent person, far from it. Anyway we had this argument. I used my knife. I don’t know what made me use it but I did and I ended up stabbing this bloke. I was pretty shocked at what Id done. I knew I had to do something about it so I did. I walked down to the Police Station it must have been 3 miles away. I thought I knew I was doin
g the right thing in giving myself up. I knew I would go to Prison but this bloke was to die while I was being interviewed by the Police so this was to be the end of me for a very long time and I was still only 23. I have to admit I had a really shitty life compared to other’s. A lot of people and my family were very shocked. I will be about in my forty’s when Im released so I hope it’s true what they say life begins at forty let’s hope so.