I Will Remember You

by L. Jaye Morgan

  “What’s wrong?” he said.

  She shook her head. “Nothing. I don’t know.” She was losing her nerve.

  “Don’t know what? What’s going on?”

  She stared at him and was grateful for the night because it hid his eyes, those big brown eyes that threatened to swallow her every time she peered into them. She couldn’t bring herself to say the words, or any words, really, so she simply lay back on the bed and looked at him. His sly smile indicated that he understood.

  It was such a strange feeling. She had always noticed how attractive he was but she had only recently begun to see him the way she did at that moment. He was no longer Tremaine, the family friend. He was Tremaine the grown ass man, and Tremaine the grown ass man was sexy as hell. This Tremaine could get it, and he would, but the enormity of the moment briefly took her breath away. Going from friends to lovers is a canyon-sized leap and they were doing it. It meant something. It meant everything.

  He kissed her, and it wasn’t as gentle as the one they’d shared the other morning. He went in, and she didn’t mind it because the time for uncertainty was long past. It had been a while and she needed this. As the late Mr. Vandross said, she owed it to herself.

  He kissed her slowly and deeply like he would die if he didn’t breathe her in. His hands deftly untied the belt on her robe before parting the two sides. She only wore panties underneath, and the discovery of that fact caused him to breathe in sharply before kissing her again. He nipped her bottom lip playfully as his hands roamed her body and the sensation of his fingers on her skin made her shiver. He continued to kiss her as his fingers slowly moved from her breasts and down her stomach until he was dangerously close to her panties.

  “Wait,” she said.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, it’s just...we have to be quiet. I don’t want Kaya to hear anything.”

  He ducked his head to kiss her again and she pushed him away. “I’m serious, Tremaine.”

  “I heard you. Come here,” he said as he rolled onto his back and pulled her on top of him. He kissed her again and it felt like they had been doing this all their lives. But she wasn’t totally comfortable. Ever since Kaya was born, Gianna had never been able to completely rid herself of that last bit of pooch. She was self-conscious about it, especially when she was on top, but she put it out of her mind. It was dark, she was horny, and Tremaine was willing. The ingredients were all there.

  She couldn’t keep herself from moving her body against his. He caught her rhythm and their bodies moved together as they kissed, like two teenagers slow-dragging to an R&B song. His fingers kneaded and squeezed every part of her that was within reach and she finally sat up and let her robe fall from her shoulders. It was time; she couldn’t take it anymore. She was close to begging but he didn’t make her wait any longer. He flipped her onto her back and undressed. Before she could even take a breath, he snatched her panties off and was on top of her.

  The moonlight bounced off the side of his face. He stared into her eyes and she finally allowed herself to stare back. She saw passion and longing and it was so all-consuming that she felt compelled to avert her gaze as she had so many times before. He grabbed her chin and turned her face back toward his. “Are you sure?” he asked. She nodded.

  “Say it.”

  “I’m sure.”

  “Nah, tell me what you want.”

  She blushed in the darkness. “I want you.”

  “Want me to do what? You ain’t shy.”

  She couldn’t say it. “You know what I want.”

  “Yeah but I wanna hear you say it.”

  She had to say it. “I want...I want you to fuck me.”

  He closed his eyes, kissed her softly on the lips, and gave her exactly what she asked for.

  Gianna could hardly believe Tremaine was a man who’d had trouble with women. He knew exactly what he was doing down to the most minute detail, and that kind of specialized skill development doesn’t occur through osmosis or bawdy locker room tales or even porn. This man had to have pleased a lot of other women. Had to.

  Gianna hoped she was good but she had never been certain about her skills. She was pretty with a slim waist and a nice ass and when you look like that, it’s hard to pinpoint where “I’m just happy to be here” ends and “this pussy is A1” begins. She wasn’t a pillow princess or anything, because Justin wasn’t having that shit. She always did her part; she was vocal and she threw it back and kissed and scratched and talked dirty. Nobody could ever accuse her of being lazy. But despite her efforts, that little bit of doubt had always rested in the back of her mind.

  It was irrelevant now, though. Tremaine was a talker and he made it very clear that he was pleased. Gianna worried that they were too loud but there was no shutting him up. And she loved it.

  He seemed particularly attuned to her, changing the pace and intensity in response to her sounds of ecstasy. She was taken aback by how passionate he was and found herself losing control. She couldn’t remember a time when she had ever been with someone who was that desperate and hungry to consume her, or who had her so willing to give all of herself. She prayed Kaya wouldn’t hear but dammit, he brought out something primal in her.

  She didn’t want to leave afterward but she couldn’t risk Kaya catching them in the morning. They said goodnight and parted ways around 3 am, and her walk back to her bedroom was one of triumph, not shame.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  “CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?” Kaya asked over breakfast.

  Gianna nodded. “Anything.”

  “Do you think my daddy’s in heaven?”

  She hadn’t expected that. It had been several days since Kaya had last brought up her father and Gianna had been perfectly fine with that. Dealing with Kaya’s grief was beginning to take a toll. “I do. I think he’s up there watching over you.”

  “Is he watching all the time, or does he ever rest?” Kaya asked between bites of toast.

  “Where is this coming from?”

  “I was talking to Nana and she told me Daddy would go to heaven if he was saved. Was he saved?”

  Her mother. Of course. “Yes, sweetie. He was saved.”

  “So how come we didn’t go to church? Don’t you have to go to church to be saved?”

  Gianna sighed. “It’s been a while since I read it but I’m pretty sure God said we’re the church, not the actual buildings.” She silently cursed her mother for using Justin’s death as a ploy to get them to go with her to whatever random Missionary Baptist Church she was into these days.

  Kaya seemed satisfied with that answer. Gianna turned her attention back to her phone but Kaya spoke again and interrupted her morning social media binge. “So if Daddy was saved, and God loved him, why did God let this happen to him?”

  Shit. How do you answer a question like that? “That’s a good question. Even I don’t understand that one. But sometimes bad things happen to good people.”

  Kaya put her toast on her plate. “Why didn’t God stop it? Why didn’t He save my daddy?”

  Gianna lost her appetite. “Kaya, I don’t know. What did Nana say?”

  “She said we’re all sinners.”

  Good grief.

  “Do me a favor. Don’t talk to Nana about these things anymore, okay?”

  “Why?” Kaya asked.

  “Because I don’t agree with everything she says and I don’t appreciate her filling your head with this stuff.”

  “Can I ask you one more question?”

  “What is it?” Gianna asked, unable to mask her annoyance.

  “How long does it take to stop...being sad?”

  “I don’t know, sweetie.”

  “I keep trying but every day I wake up crying. Sometimes I dream about him and when I wake up, I forget that he’s gone and then I remember and the sadness comes right back.”

  “The same thing happens to me, K.”

  Kaya took a deep breath. “Do you ever wish you could just...pass away
so you can see him again?”

  Gianna was stunned. So stunned that she left the table and picked up her phone. Kaya needed help, and she was officially out of her depth.

  KAYA’S DOCTOR REFERRED them to a grief specialist. The woman, Dr. Connelly, was able to see them two days later. Unfortunately, Dr. Connelly’s office in Smyrna was a good 45 minutes away counting traffic. Gianna took the opportunity to daydream about Tremaine on the drive there.

  Emmy was already in the house cooking dinner when they got home from the session.

  “How did it go?” she asked.

  “Fine,” Kaya answered. “I’m gonna work on some homework.”

  Emmy watched after her. “Isn’t it nice to have a child who does what she’s supposed to do without being asked?”

  Gianna had never really thought about it. She had nothing to compare it to. “I guess so.”

  “It’s a blessing, believe me.”

  Gianna wondered if that was a sneaky shot at her. She wasn’t a difficult teen but she definitely hadn’t been as obedient or studious as Kaya.

  Emmy stirred whatever was in the pot and Gianna didn’t bother to ask because everything Emmy made was delicious. “So what did you think of the therapy?” Emmy asked.

  “Well, I let her go in alone so I don’t know what they talked about but once they finished, the therapist called me back there.”

  “What did she say about the suicide thing?”

  “She wasn’t alarmed. She said it wasn’t necessarily about suicide, and that it’s normal for people to imagine seeing their deceased loved ones again.”

  “Was she nice?”

  “Oh yeah, she was fine it’s just...some of the stuff she said bothered me a little.”

  “Like what?”

  Gianna sat down at the table and lowered her voice. “She was talking about how fragile Kaya is and how she feels things with heightened sensitivity and intensity and I was just sitting there the whole time thinking it sounded like a bunch of nonsense.”

  “She just lost her father.”

  “No, she was speaking generally. And remember I told you I’ve seen that in her before, long before Justin passed. That ain’t no clinical thing. She’s soft.”

  Emmy shook pepper into the pot. “She’s sweet and innocent. Something you haven’t been in a long time. You don’t recognize it.”

  “She’s too innocent. The world is gonna eat her alive.”

  “Y’all spoiled and sheltered her, especially Justin. What did you think was gonna happen?”

  “Not this.”

  “She’s a black girl living in America. She’ll toughen up sooner or later. She won’t have a choice. Just leave her be.” Emmy chopped an onion and Gianna smiled. For some reason, she had always loved to smell Emmy’s hands. They always smelled faintly of onion. Like she was always cooking. The hands of a nurturer.

  Emmy looked up from the cutting board. “I mean it. Black men love sweet black women. She’ll be fine, I promise.”

  “You don’t understand what I’m dealing with,” Gianna said.

  Emmy stopped chopping and looked up. “I beg your pardon? Look at your mother. I raised that woman. I know exactly what you’re dealing with.”

  “So where did we go wrong?”

  Chop, chop, chop. “Maybe it’s innate. Maybe it skips a generation. But you never know. Kaya may surprise you. I mean there have been times when your mother has caught me completely off guard. Don’t underestimate her. Don’t underestimate either one of them.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  “HOW WAS WORK?” GIANNA asked between bites of salmon.

  Tremaine swallowed quickly. “Same as it ever was. How was your day?”

  “Long. Two of my students got to fighting. We had to call the police. Thankfully they didn’t arrest them.”

  “And what about you, Miss Kaya? How was school?” Tremaine said.

  “Boring.”

  Gianna took in the moment. Sitting there at the kitchen table talking about work with a sullen teenager between them felt normal, too normal, given the circumstances. So normal that Gianna couldn’t help but think of them as a family.

  Kaya put her fork down and pouted. “I’m so stressed out right now. I have so much homework, like, for real.”

  “When is it due?” Gianna asked.

  “Some is due tomorrow.”

  “You wanna take your plate to your room so you can get started?” Tremaine asked.

  Gianna shook her head. “I don’t allow food in the bedroom.”

  “Actually I think you should allow me to eat in my room,” Kaya said.

  Tremaine nodded. “I agree.”

  Gianna rolled her eyes. “So it’s two against one? Y’all ganging up on me, is that it?”

  Tremaine and Kaya exchanged a look. “Mommy, I won’t spill anything, I promise.”

  Gianna sighed. “Okay, this one time since you claim you’re so stressed out.”

  Kaya grinned in triumph and grabbed her plate, cup, and phone. The moment she was out of the room, Tremaine’s face changed from proud godfather to unadulterated lust. It was as if someone had flipped a switch. Gianna looked at him and felt warm. “Stop looking at me like that,” she warned.

  “I can’t help it. You’re so fucking sexy.”

  “Tre, stop,” she whined.

  He smiled and continued to stare at her, his eyes low and hooded. “You better be glad Kaya’s here.”

  “Why is that?” she asked, knowing exactly why.

  “You already know.”

  She put her fist over her mouth and giggled like a schoolgirl.

  He leaned closer until he was inches from her face. “You think I wouldn’t?” he asked, challenging her to a contest they both wanted to win.

  “I know you would.”

  “So what’s up for tonight?” he asked.

  Gianna’s face fell. “I’m not sure.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t know. I just don’t feel right about it.”

  “It felt right to me,” he said, biting his lip for good measure.

  “No, not that.” She giggled. “What I mean is...I don’t feel right about Kaya seeing you sleep over.”

  Tremaine leaned back. “I’m confused. I’ve been sleeping over here ever since Justin.”

  “I know, but you were here protecting us. It’s different. Now you’d be here because we’re together, and I’m not ready for her to see that yet.”

  “Gianna—”

  “I know it sounds crazy to you but I have my reasons.” She decided to protect her mother’s privacy for the moment.

  He shrugged. “I still don’t get it but if you’re not comfortable then you’re not comfortable. I’m just wondering when we can get shit popping again.”

  She snickered. “How romantic.”

  Tremaine laughed. “You know what I mean.”

  “We still can.”

  “How?”

  “You should get us a hotel room. When you’re here at the house you need to be here in the capacity of friend and godfather. When we get to the hotel, that’s where I need you to be who you were the other night.”

  “Oh, word?” he asked, dimples blazing.

  “Mm-hm.”

  He was quiet for a moment, staring at her with those eyes. “Which hotel?”

  “It doesn’t matter. You pick. Just make sure it’s nice.”

  “Okay. So I can see you tonight?”

  “I can’t make any promises but if you get a room, I’ll try my best to get away.”

  “I’mma definitely get the room. And listen, I would do anything for you. You know that, right?”

  “I do.” She had every intention of seeing Tremaine that night, as soon as she could. But he didn’t need to know that.

  EMMY AGREED TO SIT with Kaya that evening, and although she pretended to be in the dark about where Gianna was going, Gianna was certain she knew.

  There weren’t any nice hotels on her side of town, or at least what she c
onsidered nice, but it didn’t matter. She didn’t really care what hotel they went to.

  Emmy always told her “you determine your value.” Make them take you to nice places even if you love McDonald’s. Make them take an std test before you sleep with them, even if you don’t feel like waiting. Always make them wear a condom even if you’re on the pill or hate the feeling. “They may not like it but they’ll respect it,” she would say.

  . The Comfort Inns and Best Westerns near her house were fine for families with kids who just wanted a lukewarm 7 am breakfast buffet and access to a swimming pool but Gianna deserved better. She smiled when Tremaine texted her the address and room number for the Westin. Room 722. He agreed that she deserved better.

  Her mind briefly wandered back to that night and the fact that she and Justin were headed to a hotel when they were attacked. There was a sense of parallelism inherent in the situation that nagged at her but she pushed it out of her mind. She was moving forward and refused to allow the past to hinder her. Forward was the move.

  Tremaine still had his work clothes on when he opened the door and she appreciated it. That boy could hang a suit. “Hi,” she said sweetly.

  He stepped aside to let her pass, staring her down as she sashayed into the room. He closed the door and grabbed her from behind in a bear hug, burying his face in her neck. “You smell good. What is that?” he said, punctuating his question with a kiss to the side of her neck.

  “Chanel Chance.”

  He whirled her around and grabbed her face in both hands and planted a soft kiss on her lips. Then another. And another. She let her purse drop to the floor and stood on her toes so she could wrap her arms around his neck. He parted her lips with his tongue and kissed her deeply. She felt like she was floating.

  He pulled away and grabbed her hand, pulling her toward the bed. “I have something for you,” he said. He reached into his messenger bag pulled out a plastic bag containing something unrecognizable.

  “You brought snacks?” It was a nice gesture but kind of juvenile.

  He walked closer and she peered at the bag until it dawned on her. “Is that weed?” she asked, her eyes wide.