I Take It Back

by Liza James

  I stared at him for a brief moment, weighing my options, before I wrapped my fingers around his corded forearm and pulled us both out and back into the raving party.

  Cade stepped up and took my hand tightly in his as he stepped in front, easily maneuvering us through the crowd and towards the front door of the resort.

  “Savannah gave me the address. We can take my Jeep and make it through the snow easily.” He wasn’t looking at me now when he spoke. His eyes were glued ahead and his steps were determined and meticulous as I followed closely behind him, careful not to slip and fall on the slick pavement.

  “Okay, let’s just get there now. I need ... I need to see them to know that they’re safe.” My words were quieter now, shaky and vulnerable as I felt him squeeze my hand in comfort. His touch was the only thing anchoring me to this world, to this moment that I so desperately needed to get through. I couldn’t go back to that day so many years ago.

  I wouldn’t survive that for a second time.

  Chapter 36

  I was running down the hall, Cade effortlessly matching my strides as we rounded the corner and came to a large desk in the Emergency room of the hospital.

  “I’m looking for Savannah Marchman. She was with her boyfriend, Logan? They should be here.” I leaned over the desk and practically shouted the words at an older woman who looked exhausted, taught lines covering her face and stretching behind her dark eyes.

  “Are you family? I’m sorry but at this time we can only allo—”

  “Yes, she’s my sister and this is Logan’s cousin. Please, can I see her?” I motioned to Cade as I lied.

  Cade stood up next to me, resting his arms on the desk and flashing a cold, hard expression at the woman. A warm feeling built up inside me when I realized he was trying to mirror my similar expression. He was far more intimidating than I was, though.

  “I see, okay. Let me go check and see if she is ready for visitors.” The woman stepped back and pressed a button behind the desk, which caused the big double electric doors to swing open and close behind her, leaving us anxiously waiting in the sitting room.

  Cade took a seat in one of the chairs, looking up at me when my gaze met his. There was concern swimming in his eyes as he watched me pace back and forth in the room. I had my fingers pulled up across my mouth and I was uncontrollably chewing my nails, causing the skin to become red and raw.

  “Come here.” Cade’s voice was so much more than a simple request. He commanded it of me and, before I could stop myself, my feet were pulling me in his direction.

  He reached up and took my hand, pulling it away from my lips as he tugged me down and onto his lap. His arm snaked around my waist, pulling me tightly against him, and I found myself resting my cheek against his broad shoulder as his other hand clasped both of my hands together in his.

  I closed my eyes, helplessly replaying every single conversation I had with Savannah over the last forty-eight hours. Memories were running through my head, things I never wanted to forget. Even though I knew it was overdramatic, I knew Sav and Logan were perfectly fine. But I was beyond terrified of losing anyone else after my parents. Maybe that was why I held up so many walls. I never really had many friends throughout high school other than Savannah, and now Jake here at college. I hated the anxiety coursing through my blood, paralyzing me with fear of losing someone else important to me.

  My thoughts were interrupted by the nurse, motioning for me to follow her back through those giant doors and to Savannah’s room.

  “Her and Logan are actually staying in the same room. Tonight has been extremely busy with the weather and we were running out of space, so they had no problem sharing.” We took a couple of left turns until we reached room 207.

  “She needs to rest, they both do. But you both can visit for about an hour before visitor hours close.”

  I nodded my head in a quick thank you and pushed the curtain aside that separated her room. Savannah and Logan were both on separate beds, but they had pushed them together so they could be closer. They looked terrible, honestly. Their faces were bruised with red and blue shades, especially around their eyes and their noses. But Logan’s looked slightly worse. His lip had been split open and Savannah was quietly talking to him, both of them clasping each other’s hands tightly.

  “Sav, oh my God.” I raced over to her, throwing my arms around her neck as I felt her hands wrap around me. Relief washed over me. I was still terrified of what had happened. But seeing them here, hearing their voices, it did something to ease so much of the tension I had been holding onto since she first called.

  “Emma. I’m so glad you’re here. Are you okay?” Her hands moved to my cheeks and I felt her hard gaze pouring into me. Of course she was concerned about me. She got into the accident, she was visibly injured, but her thoughts were on me and how I was handling this situation. Damn, she was amazing.

  I let out a small laugh. “You would ask me how I’m doing even though you’re the one in the hospital.”

  “We’re fine, okay? But this ... I know this is different for you.” Her voice was quiet now, I could tell she wasn’t sure if she should be saying anything in front of the guys. But honestly, Cade had seen me have a total mental breakdown and had actually been the one to pull me out of it, so I knew I’d have to talk to him about all of this at some point.

  And that sucked.

  There goes one of those damn walls I needed to keep in place.

  Cade had moved over to Logan’s side of the room and the two of them were deep in conversation.

  “I’m okay ... now,” was all I could manage to choke out before I felt the tears sting the backs of my eyes again. I tried to force down that all too familiar lump of emotions building in the back of my throat.

  “Shit, Emma. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have called ... but I had to. I had to tell you.”

  “Oh, hell no. I would have been beyond pissed if you didn’t call. You know I needed to be here with you. Tell me what happened.” Logan’s attention turned back toward us and suddenly I felt Cade’s hard, warm body standing behind me again closely. His hand laid on the bed we were leaning against, pressed up next my thigh and, for a second, I wasn’t sure if it was intentional. But when his thumb began sliding up and down a short path on my jeans, I knew he wasn’t touching me by accident. A tingly buzzing feeling danced over my skin at the thought of his hands on me, but I focused back on Savannah as she explained the accident.

  “We just wanted to play in the snow in Logan’s jeep. But it was just coming down so hard out there. We could hardly see anything, so we decided to turn around and go back to the resort. But we lost control and slid off the road and into a ditch that we hadn’t seen. We hit the embankment and the airbags went off, hence all of this.” She gestured her hands across their faces.

  “We were lucky the accident wasn’t worse. I guess a lot of people have been slipping and sliding tonight, the ER has been slammed.” Logan’s voice was low, hoarse and he took Savannah’s hand back in his. I saw something different in his eyes when he looked at her now, something that revealed a look of ... cherishment? Like he wasn’t taking the fact that they were together for granted anymore. Savannah looked back at him and gave a small, sweet smile. She had the exact same look in her eyes and, for the first time, I thought that I didn’t think they’d ever split up again.

  “Damn, I’m glad ya’ll are safe. We could have lost you guys.”

  I winced at Cade’s words, and Savannah shot him a warning look. But I knew he was confused, he had no idea what we had been through before.

  The curtain behind us ripped open and I turned just in time to see Ruth and Dan’s worried faces racing toward us. Dan wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me tightly against him as Ruth gathered Savannah up in a tight embrace, tears falling down her face as she pulled back and gave Savannah a quick once over, checking to make sure she really was okay.

  Ruth looked back at me, checking me over as well before speaking.

/>   “Are you guys okay? What happened? God, I was so scared, baby.” Ruth took my hand in one of hers and, with her other hand, she rested it on Savannah’s cheeks.

  “We’re fine, Mom. I promise, just like I promised Emma. It was a minor accident because of the snow. We slid off the road and hit a ditch. But we’re okay.” Ruth and Dan glanced back at both Logan and Cade, narrowing their eyes as they took in the scene of both guys with us.

  “Alright, well, before we talk about who these two are, we wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m so glad, sweetheart. God, if this wasn’t as terrifying as all those years ago ... I don’t know what is.” Ruth glanced back at me this time, zeroing in her gaze on my face.

  “Are you really okay, sweetheart? I’m so sorry you are going through this again.”

  “I’m okay now. I promise. Cade was able to bring me here and I could ... I could see they were fine with my own eyes. It helped so much. I know that sounds crazy, but just hearing it over the phone? I couldn’t do it.” I swallowed the gravelly pit that had worked its way from my stomach up into my throat, threatening the strength of my voice.

  I hadn’t realized it, but Cade had laced his hand into mine and had me pulled up against him again in a protective, sheltering manner. Realizing it now sent sparks of warmth and stability through my veins and I found myself being so thankful to him for that small gesture.

  “I’m so glad. Thank you, Cade. You really have no idea how much you’ve helped tonight,” Ruth’s voice was weak, exhaustion finally lacing her tone now that she knew we were all okay. Dan slapped a hand on the back of Cade’s shoulder, rather hard, but gave him a slight smile and nod.

  “No problem, I’m glad I was around to help,” he replied, genuine warmth filling his voice as he shifted behind me.

  “How about you, son? Are you okay?” Dan turned his attention toward Logan, who had been quietly listening to our conversation.

  “I’m okay, thank you, sir. Just glad Savannah didn’t get hurt worse than she did.”

  The six of us continued talking for a while longer and I could tell Ruth and Dan were discreetly trying to get to know Cade and Logan, for obvious reasons. Savannah and I had never mentioned them to her parents, and they were completely surprised to see all of us together when they did.

  Too soon, the nurse returned and told us that visiting hours were ending but that Logan and Savannah would be released in the morning. Ruth and Dan were allowed to stay because they were Sav’s parents, but Cade and I had to head back to the resort. We promised we would be back in the morning to pick up Sav and Logan before we made the drive back to school tomorrow.

  Chapter 37

  The drive home was quiet. A light tension filled the air but, honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure how to approach what happened tonight. The snow was still falling in thick sheets in front of us, and I felt a tight ball of nerves building in my stomach for our safety. Cade didn’t look alarmed in the slightest, though. He must have been able to tell when I was getting anxious, because every so often he’d reach across the space between us and squeeze my hand reassuringly.

  “I’m glad they’re okay,” I said, feeling the relief of that sentence fill me up and the warmth of that statement wrap around me.

  “Me too. I thought they weren’t at first ... at the party.”

  Ah, shit.

  Looks like it’s going there. I didn’t really have a choice. I felt like I needed to explain my reaction. But I’d never talked to anyone about what happened five years ago ... ever. How could I explain that?

  “Yeah. Uh, I’m sorry for that. At the party ...” That nervous ball was back in my stomach, growing rapidly and filling my body. I didn’t really notice how embarrassed I was by that until I spoke it out loud.

  “What? Don’t apologize for any of that, Emma. You obviously were dealing some serious shit.” His dark, cobalt blue eyes looked over at me, showing concern blazing behind them. When I didn’t respond, he spoke again. “You know you can talk to me. If you need to get it off your chest. I’m actually a pretty good listener.” A small smile lifted at the edge of his lip. I appreciated the way he was trying to keep things light, even after my breakdown tonight.

  Wow, I wanted to talk to him. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted to talk about it until right this moment. His blazing eyes looked over at me, piercing through me and filling me with some sense of safety with him, like I could trust him with this part of me.

  “I’ve never talked to anyone about what happened, Cade. Ever. Only Savannah and her parents know and that’s only because her parents were best friends with mine.”

  Cade reached over again, lacing his fingers into mine and giving me a light squeeze. He kept his eyes on the road, because we were driving and the snow was heavy, but he was listening. I knew he was.

  I stayed silent for a moment, trying to build the courage in myself to share this with him. Every part of me ached to let it out, but it was so intimate, such a huge part of me.

  Hadn’t Cade already been a huge part of some of my most intimate moments already, though?

  “When I was fifteen, I got a call from a state policeman. He asked for me by my first and last name. I was actually at Savannah’s house, it was late, probably two AM or so when he called. My parents and I had gotten into a stupid fight, a seriously dumb one. I honestly can’t remember exactly what it was about, and that’s almost the worst part, you know? Not even knowing exactly what the last things I said to them were ...” My voice grew hoarse as I choked out those last few words.

  How could I not remember every last detail of what happened? I wish I did. But with the chaos of the fight, then begging to go to Savannah’s, and then that damn call, I just couldn’t remember every minute element. I stole a glance at Cade. His eyes had narrowed and a small crease had settled itself between his eyebrows. His thumb began gliding back and forth across my hand, sending small jolts of courage as I continued speaking.

  “I just lost that part of the night after everything happened. After the fight, I had begged my parents to take me to Savannah’s. I just needed to get away from them, I was so angry. My mom was devastated, she wanted me to stay home, but my dad thought we could all use the space, so they agreed to take me even though it was pouring outside. The rain was so heavy, like torrential downpour heavy. Savannah’s parents were always fine with me coming over, no matter what time it was. Our families were so close. So they did, they dropped me off and I didn’t even say bye when I got out of the car, Cade. I didn’t even say fucking goodbye.” Tears sprung to my eyes now, hot and burning as they slid down my face. The salt drifted over my lips, and I tasted it on my tongue.

  Cade brought my hand to him, sliding my palm up and pressing it against his lips.

  “Keep going, baby, you can trust me.” His words shot through me, gifting me that last bit of strength I needed in order to keep talking. I swallowed the painful lump in my throat for what felt like the millionth time tonight.

  “They left to go home, but they never made it. There was a truck driver, he was on a long stretch across country and it was so late. He was so tired that he’d drifted off to sleep. He slid into their lane, but it was so wet outside with the rain that when they swerved out of the way, they lost complete control of the car and flew off the road, flipping over three times and killing both of them in the process.” The tears kept spilling out of me, so much that my words were coming out in muffled sentences. I focused on keeping my breaths even through the tears, but I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t see the expression on his face. I was worried it would break me, that I would shatter into a million pieces right here in his truck and he’d be stuck either having to piece me back together, or I’d have completely scared him away and I’d be left alone to attempt fixing everything myself. I didn’t know if I had the strength for that tonight.

  After all, I was facing the fact that again, I knew their deaths were my fault.

  Instantly, I noticed the truck begin pulling off to the side
of the road before finally stopping. Cade killed the engine.

  “What? Cade, what are you doing?” I said, confused as to why we would stop in the middle of a snow storm.

  “Look at me, Emma.” Cade’s voice was gentle, so soft but also so strong and commanding when he said those words.

  But I couldn’t look, I couldn’t face him after all of that.

  Silence filled the air for a quick moment before Cade’s strong hand grasped my chin, forcing me to turn my head toward him and meet his eyes straight on. His dark eyes were impossibly darker now, a stormy, midnight blue as they searched mine.

  His thumb slid across my damp cheek, catching tears and brushing them away as he leaned across the truck, bringing his body closer to mine.

  “Emma, you should never have gone through that. I’m so sorry you lost them. But, I hope you know that what happened was never your fault. You could have never known what would happen.” His voice was low, rolling over me and wrapping around every inch of my body.

  “But it was, Cade. It was. If I had never asked to go over there, they wouldn’t have driven in that damn storm. They would have never passed that driver, their car wouldn’t have sl—”

  “Don’t. Don’t do that. I know it’s hard to wrap your head around it, I get that. But you didn’t force them to take you. Hell, you were fifteen years old, Emma. They made that choice, they wanted to take you. And I never knew your parents, but I could damn well promise you that they would never have wanted you to blame yourself for what happened. You know how I know that?” He was speaking with such compassion and, at the same time, his voice was laced with heat, searing into me and speaking directly to my heart.