Love Frustration

by RM Johnson

  He was frozen, had backed up in a corner now, his shirt balled up in his arms, holding it close to him, as if for protection. Although I wasn’t much bigger than him, he was smart enough to realize that even if I were half his size, I could’ve killed him with my rage alone.

  “What are you going to do?” he managed to say.

  What was I going to do? I looked about the room at the clothes strewn about the floor, like my fiancée and this man couldn’t wait to get at each other. Glared at Faith, folded up on that couch, at her body, which I had thought was so beautiful but now viewed with disgust. I saw the man pushed up against the wall, trying to cover his nakedness with that shirt, looking like his life was in jeopardy, and he was right. I scanned him up and down, trying to find what he had more of than I did. I scanned his body slowly, taking in his face, his torso, his now shriveled penis. And I had to think a moment, but I knew I hadn’t seen him pull a condom off, and just to make sure I quickly scanned the floor around them for the jettisoned slimy bag of rubber, or its fluorescent green packaging, but I saw nothing. She was having sex with this man without using protection. Just more salt on the wound. I looked at my feet, saw the roses there on the floor. The card had fallen open:

  I’LL LOVE YOU FOREVER, FAITH.

  YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND

  What was I going to do? The question rang again in my head.

  “Nothing,” I said, softly, more to myself than to them, but I’m sure they heard it, for I heard the man exhale, and saw a bewildered look appear on Faith’s face, as though she deserved some form of punishment, and felt there was something gravely wrong since she wasn’t receiving it.

  “Nothing,” I said, again, even softer than before. What good could anything have done. What was done, was done, and I could not beat the event into reverse. No amount of yelling could magically erase it from my brain. There was nothing I could do, so I turned around and walked out of the room.

  I came to a screeching halt in front of my building, yanked the key out of the ignition, not bothering to close the windows or the sunroof. I needed to talk to someone, to Asha in particular. I ran around the car, jumping up the stairs, and quickly pushed my way through the outer door. All the while I was praying that Asha would be home, knowing that if she wasn’t, I would have nowhere else to go.

  Trying to contain my anger, my pain, I knocked on her door as softly as I could. After only two seconds, I knocked again; then putting my ear to the door, I listened for movement, for her feet moving across the wooden floors, but there was nothing. I started to panic, now banging on the door harder.

  “Asha. You in there? I need to talk to you.” Then I banged again. And then I called her again. “Asha. Answer the door, Asha.” And as though there was no possibility that she just could be out, I flipped open my cell phone and dialed her number. I heard the phone ringing in there, and waited for her to pick it up, needing her to pick it up. But she didn’t. The call was directed to voice mail, and after the beep, there was so much I wanted to say, that I was unable to speak a single word of it.

  I called back again, this time saying, “Asha, wherever you are, if you check your messages, please call me. I need to talk to you. This is an emergency.” I paused before hanging up, making sure there wasn’t anything else I needed to tell her, then I pressed End.

  I turned around and looked at Asha’s door, knowing that even if she wasn’t there, just being inside her apartment would make me feel better, feel safer. And then I remembered that I had a key. I thought of going upstairs to get it, going into her apartment and waiting for her, but I talked myself out of it. I’d never just walk into her place without her knowing. Instead I slid down the length of the door, and sat there against it. She would have to come home sometime, and until she did, I would do what I could to work all this out in my head.

  11

  I had awakened a number of times, stirred by dreams of Faith and that man, but instead of picking myself up off the floor, walking upstairs, and going to bed, I just continued to sit there at Asha’s door like some weary, loyal dog who had managed to find its way home after getting lost.

  When I was awakened for the last time, it wasn’t by a dream, but by a steady nudging.

  “Jayson. Get up.”

  When I lifted my head off my forearms, I saw a blurry Asha start to come into focus.

  “Jayson, what are you doing down here on the floor?” she asked, looking worried. “Why didn’t you just go inside? You have keys to my place.” She extended a hand down to me.

  “I wasn’t going in your place without your permission.”

  “Oh, Jayson, please,” she blew.

  “I really needed to talk to you. What time is it?” I asked, seeing that it was daylight outside.

  Asha opened up her door. “It’s about six in the morning.” She watched me as I walked slowly past her, collapsed onto her couch, and threw my face into my hands.

  “Now what was so important that you had to camp outside my door?”

  “I caught her,” I said, and couldn’t say anymore at that moment, for fear that I would lose it, start bawling like a little girl.

  “Caught who? Doing what?” Asha asked, standing in front of me, both her hands on her hips.

  “Caught Faith with some other man. Fucking some other man,” I said, not even looking up at her.

  Asha quickly came to my side, threw her arm around me, smoothed her palm over my back.

  “Oh my God, Jayson. No. Are you sure?”

  I gave her a look like she was crazy, a look that read, how in the world could I see someone screwing my woman, and just think it was Faith when it wasn’t?

  “Of course, I’m sure. It was her. I walked in on them right in the middle of it.”

  “Damn, Jayson,” Asha said, feeling my pain.

  “She sounded like she was enjoying it,” I said sadly, under my breath.

  “Aw, damn, Jayson.”

  “She even had an orgasm right after she realized I was there.”

  “Goddamn, Jayson!” Asha said now, shooting up from the sofa. “That bitch. I knew I should’ve kicked her ass yesterday morning.”

  “Yesterday morning? What are you talking about?”

  “We bumped into each other yesterday morning while we were both heading out.”

  And that had something to do with it. I just knew it. That was the morning after I was supposed to have told Asha we couldn’t be friends anymore, but didn’t.

  “What did you tell her, Asha?” I said, quickly getting up from the sofa.

  “I told her the truth. That you didn’t break things off with us. I told her that we’re still friends.”

  …“Damn!” I threw my hands over my face, turning and pacing away from her. “Why in the fuck did you tell her that!” I yelled, walking back to her.

  “Because that’s what the fuck happened!” she yelled back, taking offense at the fact that I’d yelled at her. “I’m not the one who asked you to give your best friend the boot. So don’t you go getting pissed at me.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just that I told her something different.”

  “I know,” Asha said, still looking at me like she was ready to slug me one if I raised my voice again. “She was coming at me like I was the one lying and not you. Why didn’t you tell her the truth?”

  “Because I knew she was just angry about what happened that night, seeing us out there talking. She would’ve gotten over that, and it wouldn’t have made a difference if we were still friends. But to admit to her that I didn’t end it when she was so adamant about it would’ve been like choosing you instead of her. It just would’ve made things worse, so I lied. But when she heard that I had lied to her, she probably thought I was telling lies to her about everything involving you. She probably thought there was something still going on between us, and that’s probably why she went out and found someone to sleep with.”

  “Hold it. Hold it, Jayson,” Asha said, grabbing me. “I know you aren’t going to blame this o
n yourself. I know that you aren’t about to think that just because you happened to tell a little lie, she had the right to go out there, find some dude, and open her legs to him.”

  “I don’t know, Asha.”

  “So what did you do? Did you whip his ass? Both their asses?”

  “I didn’t do anything. I walked out of there, before I could allow myself to do anything. I wasn’t sure if I had the right.”

  “Had the right. Had the right, Jayson! You have more than the right. You have the reason. You walk into her crib and find her …”

  “This wasn’t at her place. It was at a hotel.”

  “A hotel?” Asha said, looking at me strangely.

  “The new Hilton on State street.”

  “How did you know she was going to be there?”

  “It was going to be a surprise wedding party. Karen called me yesterday morning to give me the key card, and …”

  “Oh hell, no!” Asha said, her eyes wide, shaking her head. “Something more than you think is going on here. Karen called you?” Asha said. “Karen, who can’t stand you called to give you a key card. For what?”

  “Like I said, a surprise wedding party. She said she wanted to start off fresh, put all of those bad feelings behind us and …”

  “And she gave you the card, told you where to be, and you walk in and catch Faith with her ass in the air. Jayson, something is going on.”

  “That thought crossed my mind earlier, but why would Karen set her best friend up to get caught, and I know, sure as hell, Faith wouldn’t set herself up.”

  “I don’t know, Jayson. But something fishy is going on here, trust me, and if you want to find out, you need to find Karen’s ass, because I think that bitch set this whole thing up.”

  12

  She set me up! That bitch set me up, Faith told herself as she drove her car in the direction of Jayson’s building. She had tried getting hold of Karen all night. Tried calling her at least ten times at home throughout the night, and about half that many times on her cell phone. Karen never answered.

  Faith remembered her first call, it was right after Gary left the hotel room.

  “Karen. Karen! The worst thing just happened. I don’t know how, but out of nowhere, Jayson walked in here and caught me … he caught us. I don’t know what to do, girl. Call me as soon as you get this.”

  At that point, Faith was half dressed, wearing slacks and just her bra, as she walked about the hotel room gathering her things. She was trying to get everything straight in her head, what she would tell Jayson, whether it would be a lie, or the truth, or a combination of the two. But as she slipped on her blouse, and buttoned it up, the question of how Jayson found her out kept begging to be answered.

  Jayson didn’t know where she was going to be, Faith thought, as she sat to slip on her shoes. Karen had gotten the room. She would call her friend who worked there sometimes, and if a room hadn’t been reserved for the night, she’d let Karen have it for next to nothing. Every now and then, Karen and Faith would invite some of their friends up for drinks, or she would use it as a private rendezvous spot to take care of some “immediate personal business” was how Karen phrased it.

  Tonight, they were going to meet for drinks, watch a little pay-per-view, and probably order up some free room service, but Karen had said she’d have to leave by nine.

  “Girl, you can either leave too, or stay the night and do your thing, if you know what I mean,” she said, chuckling slyly. Karen knew that Faith wasn’t going to give away a free night’s stay at a posh downtown hotel.

  Faith hadn’t told Jayson any more than that she would be having drinks with Karen, purposely not saying where. At that moment Faith froze, bent over, about to pull the strap through the tiny buckle of her shoe, struck with the realization that it had to have been Karen who had told him. There could have been no one else.

  Faith thought back to just before Jayson walked in. She remembered that her mind wasn’t focused on anything in particular but how incredible Gary was making her body feel. She was very near orgasm, grasping one of the sofa cushions, about to rip the damn stuffing out of the thing, when she turned her head, and there he was. Jayson, standing just inside the door. She never even heard him walk in, so he didn’t bust the door open, didn’t jimmy the thing with a screwdriver. The only way he could’ve entered was with a key. But that was impossible, Faith thought. Even if for some strange reason Karen was crazy enough to tell him where she was, she wouldn’t have given Jayson a key. She just wouldn’t have done that, Faith thought. But then again, wouldn’t she?

  Faith’s eyes were resting on the dozen roses that Jayson had dropped on the floor just after he had busted her. She slowly got up from the sofa and walked over toward those roses, knowing what she would find under them before she even lifted them. She would find the key card to the room, and it would only prove that Karen had given it to him, because the hotel sure as hell wouldn’t have done it.

  Faith stood over the roses, paused for a brief moment, then stooped down to pick them up, and just as she had imagined, there was the key.

  She immediately ran to the phone and called Karen again, but this message was nothing like the first. This message was filled with curse words, accusations, and threats. And then Faith finished by saying, “When I find you, you got a lot of motherfucking explaining to do.”

  Later that night, Faith pulled up in front of Karen’s small house on the South Side of Chicago. All the lights were out, and when Faith jumped out of her car, the thing still running, the lights still on, and ran down the driveway, pressing her face to one of the windows of the garage, she saw Karen’s Altima sitting there. She was home, Faith thought, angrily. She’s in there, lying low, the lights off, trying to pretend that she’s not, because she knew I’d be coming over here.

  Faith stomped her way back down the driveway and up to the front door. She pressed on the doorbell until her thumb started to hurt, and then she started pounding on the door with the side of her fist.

  “Karen, open the goddamn door!” Faith yelled at the top of her lungs, not caring if she woke every neighbor in the area. “I know you’re in there. Open up!”

  Still there was no answer. Faith moved over to the window nearest her, peered into the dark living room, but saw nothing but the same modestly furnished room she had seen all the times she had been here before.

  Faith went back to pushing on the doorbell. She rang it for almost thirty seconds straight, then she dialed Karen’s home number on her cell phone. Faith hung up three times just before the voice mail picked up, knowing that Karen wasn’t going to ever pick up the phone. She wasn’t going to pick up because she knew what she had done to Faith was wrong.

  “Why did you do it?” Faith said, yelling through the door, because she knew Karen was there, could almost feel her.

  “What did I ever do to you? You were supposed to be my girl, and you fucking do this to me. Why, Karen? Why?”

  Faith stood there, silent for a moment, as if actually expecting an answer to come through the door. When it didn’t, she all of a sudden attacked the door, banging on it with her fists, kicking at it with her shoes, screaming at the top of her lungs again.

  “What the fuck did I ever do to you! Tell me! You tell me. You tell me right now,” she said, her face, covered with tears, against the door.

  Again Faith waited a moment for a response, and when nothing came, she simply said, “Fuck it,” pulled herself together, and walked away. Just on the other side of that door, on the floor, Karen sat, hugging herself, tears running down her face as well.

  “I’m sorry, Faith. But it was best for everybody,” she said, softly.

  Now, at seven in the morning, when Faith pulled up in front of Jayson’s building, she was glad she had decided to go on home after Karen’s and force herself to sleep. It had probably given Jayson some time to cool off, and it had given her time to think about what really needed to be done here.

  Faith got out of her Cam
ry, walked up the stairs and into the building. But as she was closing the door behind her, the door beside her was opening, Asha’s door, and Jayson was walking out, Asha just behind him.

  Jayson jumped, as though he had seen a ghost, and then immediately averted his eyes, as though he had reason to be ashamed. Asha on the other hand was shooting daggers out of her eyes into Faith’s skull.

  But Faith didn’t pay her any attention. What she did take note of was the fact that it was a little after seven in the morning, and this Negro was walking out that woman’s apartment. The same woman that Faith had told him he had to stop seeing just the night before. And it was like a gift that had fallen in her lap. Her defense was set just like that.

  Faith screwed her face up and said in an accusatory tone, “And what are you doing coming out of her apartment?”

  Jayson looked thrown by the question as Faith knew he would be, almost guilty. But before he had a chance to answer, Asha pushed him aside and said, waving her finger wildly at Faith, “I know you, Miss Ass in the Air, are you asking questions about who’s coming out of where?”

  “I wasn’t talking to you, Asha. So you can just be quiet,” Faith said, calmly waving her away with a hand, turning her attention back to Jayson.

  “You should be ashamed of your damn self. Three days before you …” Faith heard Asha say, and in return Faith, not even looking in Asha’s direction replied, “I said, shut up.” Faith was about to say something to Jayson when she felt her hair being grabbed from behind and felt herself being thrown forward. The next thing she knew her face was up against the wall, absorbing most of the impact of Asha’s weight slamming up behind her. Faith felt one of her teeth pierce the fat of her lip, tasted blood as it quickly spilled into her mouth and ran outside her lip.