Love Frustration

by RM Johnson

  “Don’t you tell me to shut up. Jayson’s my boy. He’s a good man, and he don’t deserve to …” Faith heard Asha saying, just before Faith quickly spun around, swiping at Asha’s face, but only catching the collar of her blouse, yanking all the buttons off with the downward force of her movement.

  “You bitch!” Asha said, looking down at herself, her bra exposed.

  “If I’m a bitch, come get some of this bitch,” Faith said, breathing hard, her bloody lip starting to swell.

  “All right, all right,” Jayson said, pulling Asha back, stepping in between the two of them. “Faith, what do you want?”

  “You know what I want,” Faith said, dabbing at her lip with a tissue she pulled out of her pocket. “I want to talk to you.”

  “Tell that bitch you don’t have nothing to say to her, Jayson,” Asha said.

  “Asha,” Jayson said, turning to give her a look.

  “Jayson, I want to explain what happened last night.”

  “You weren’t trying to explain anything when your ass was in the air, and you were backfiring like a cheep ass car, were you?” Asha added again.

  Jayson spun to her once more, this time his arm extended, pointed to the inside of her apartment. “Go.”

  “Jayson. You shouldn’t have a single word for that woman,” Asha said.

  “Go, Asha.”

  “You two were engaged and she fucked around on you.”

  “I said: Go!” Jayson said more forcefully. Then he softened his tone a little, looking in Asha’s eyes as if thanking her for her concern, but letting her know he had everything under control. “I’ll take care of this.”

  Asha gave one last evil look to Faith, which Faith returned. Then Asha walked into her apartment and closed the door.

  “Asha’s right. I don’t want to hear a word you have to say. Everything I need to know, I saw last night. I know it all.”

  “You’re wrong, Jayson,” Faith said. “You do want to hear what I have to say, because if you knew it all, last night would’ve never happened.”

  Upstairs in his apartment, Jayson paced back and forth in front of Faith like a caged animal ready to attack. He stopped directly in front of her, looked her angrily in the eyes, and said, “I should be hitting you right now for what you did to me.”

  Faith remained calm, and said, “But you wouldn’t do that.”

  “And why wouldn’t I?”

  “Because you know you’re the reason for what happened.”

  “What did you just say to me?” Jayson said, appearing more angry, grabbing Faith by the shoulders and shaking her.

  “Let go of me!” she said.

  “I’m the reason you go to some hotel room and spread your legs like some street ho for some motherfucker even though you know you’re about to get married in less than a week.”

  “I said, let go of me.”

  “You tell me it’s my fault, because you get caught fucking somebody else!”

  “Just like you’re fucking Asha,” Faith said.

  Jayson squeezed Faith even tighter now. “I told you I’m not …”

  “Then why did you lie about her the other night?” And Faith knew she had him, felt Jayson’s grip on her loosen some. “Why did you tell me that you ended your friendship when you really didn’t?”

  Jayson’s eyes glassed over as if he was trying to recall the reason but couldn’t, and then he let go of Faith, and paced away from her.

  “She’s my friend, and it wasn’t right to just tell her that we couldn’t be friends anymore because you were jealous,” Jayson said, his back to Faith.

  “No, Jayson. It was because you were fucking her,” Faith said, spitefully. “You were fucking her like you’ve been doing the entire time we’ve been seeing each other.”

  Jayson spun around to face her. “I told you, that’s not true.”

  “So that’s why I find you walking out of her apartment this morning?” Faith said, and she couldn’t believe her good luck. This was working out better than she could’ve imagined. She was the one who was guilty, the one who was caught in the act, “her ass in the air,” as that skinny slut, Asha, chose to put it, but here she was, convincing Jayson that he was wrong. Faith knew he wasn’t still seeing Asha, but she always accused him of such to allow her an easy escape route if she got caught doing something she shouldn’t have been doing, like she had, and also because she just didn’t like Asha, and was tired of always seeing her by Jayson’s side. And it was all working. She knew because she could see the guilt cover Jayson’s face when she asked him that last question. He looked so guilty, that if Faith hadn’t known just how much this man loved her, hadn’t known that, almost beyond a shadow of a doubt, he wouldn’t cheat on her, she would have started to question if he was actually screwing the girl.

  “You find me with some other man, and feeling distraught, you go running to the one person you always run to. The person you always ran to.”

  “I told you that’s wrong!” Jayson said, raising his voice.

  “Do you love her?” Faith asked, and this was the topper. She knew he wouldn’t be able to answer no to that. And although Faith knew he only loved her like a little sister now, she would act as if she’d misconstrued his answer, as though there was no way that he could only love her like that. Jayson didn’t answer the question.

  “I said, do you love her?” Faith asked again.

  “You know how I feel about her. I’ve made that no secret to you. But you know I only love her like a friend,” Jayson said, seeming unsure of even his own answers now.

  “I see,” Faith said softly, knowing she had him right where she wanted him. And now she would beautifully bring together all the incriminating evidence against him better than Johnny Cochran could, shifting the suspicion from her to him, allowing her to walk out scotfree.

  “You love the beautiful girl who lives downstairs from you, the girl you used to date, the girl you still spend almost as much time with as me. You say that you’re no longer going to be friends with her, and then lie to me when you’re unable to bring yourself to do it. And then you come out of her apartment, after spending the night there, doing God knows what.”

  “I was talking to her.”

  “And I wonder how many other nights you spent down there just talking?” Faith said.

  “Just because you think there’s something going on between us, that gives you the right to go out there and screw around on me?”

  “What do you think, Jayson?” Faith said, standing up to him, looking him sternly in the eyes. “When I ran into Asha yesterday morning, and she told me that you lied to me, lied in my face, how do you think that made me feel? You knew that one thing could jeopardize our entire relationship, our entire marriage, and you lied about it. I’d known you’d been fucking around with her the entire time we’ve been seeing each other, but if you’d ended it right there, I would’ve seen it as a fresh start, and we could’ve gone on from there. But you couldn’t let her go, could you?” Faith said, and she hoped she wasn’t laying on a little too much drama. But it didn’t seem like it, because he wasn’t saying anything in his defense, as if he too now believed that he was actually guilty.

  “So I went out, found some man to cheat on you with to make you jealous.”

  Jayson looked at Faith oddly, as if he was puzzling something over in his brain. Faith quickly reviewed in her mind what she had just said and didn’t see where she could’ve tripped over anything.

  Then Jayson said, “Make me jealous? How was that supposed to happen if I didn’t know about it? I bet the only reason you’re telling me about this now is because you got caught. You got busted because I walked in on you.”

  And he had a point, Faith thought. But she thought quickly, hoping she was right about what she assumed Karen had done. “But that’s what I wanted to happen. I gave Karen that key to give to you so you could walk in and see for yourself. So you could experience what I’ve been feeling, firsthand.”

  Jayson
looked at her, the anger on his face starting to dissolve, replaced by sadness, regret, and something that could’ve been even sympathy for Faith. He lowered his head, as if pondering it all for a moment, then lifted it back again, and said, “You only did that because you thought I was still seeing Asha?”

  “Of course,” Faith said, now knowing that she had pulled it off.

  “I wasn’t seeing her,” Jayson said, moving closer to Faith, the anger no longer on his face.

  “That’s what you say.”

  “It’s true. I wouldn’t lie to you, Faith. I never lied to you about this, because I loved you.” Jayson lowered his head, then said, under his breath, “Still do. You know that, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, Jayson. I think I know that,” Faith said, as though it didn’t matter one way or the other …

  Jayson paced away from her again, his head still down, tapping a knuckle against his upper lip. When he returned in front of her, he said, “It’s going to take a lot of love, understanding, and effort to get over this, but I want us to try.” He cracked the biggest smile he could muster, which wasn’t big at all, almost undetectable considering the circumstances. “What do you say? We can put all this behind us. Still want to be Mrs. Abrahms?” he said, trying to sound upbeat, but failing miserably.

  “I don’t think so, Jayson,” Faith said.

  “What did you just say?”

  “I don’t think so, Jayson. Now that everything is out in the open, I think it’s better that we just end it right here, right now. There was too much going on for us to think that it would’ve worked between us anyway.”

  “But you said you loved me, that you were happy that we were getting married,” Jayson said, grabbing Faith by the arm. “What about all the plans we made, our life together?”

  “Jayson, if it was supposed to happen, it would’ve happened smoothly. But obviously it’s not,” Faith said, looking down at his arm on hers, as if expecting him to catch the hint and let her go.

  “So what? That’s just it. It’s over. We’re done, like that? How am I supposed to be able to just accept that?”

  Faith twisted the engagement ring on her opposite hand a couple of times and slid it off that finger, handing it to Jayson. “Think about what you saw last night,” Faith said, pulling her arm away from Jayson’s grasp. “I’m sure that’ll make it easier to accept.”

  13

  It was lunchtime and Asha stood just outside the break room at work. She had three clients this morning, all full-body massages, and she did her job very professionally without once thinking a thought that she shouldn’t have been thinking. She didn’t know what that was, but had a feeling that maybe, subconsciously, she saw thinking about another woman as a slight to Angie. But that was ridiculous, wasn’t it? she asked herself, as she was massaging her last client. And then she went as far as to try and force herself to think of the beautiful dark-skinned woman beneath her in a sexual way. But nothing came. She was nothing more than a client lying practically naked on her table. Asha dragged both her hands down the woman’s smooth back. The woman moaned sensually. Nothing. With the same motion, Asha pushed the towel down some to expose the woman’s firm behind. She let her hands rest there, high on her behind, then she applied pressure, pushing down into her soft flesh. It was enjoyable for the woman, Asha knew that, could feel her body softening even more under her touch, could feel the movements that let on that this felt good to her, erotic, but it did nothing for Asha. She was immune, at least to everyone but Angie.

  And that was wrong, Asha thought.

  It was wrong for Asha to feel some sort of loyalty to Angie, when obviously she didn’t feel any toward Gill. Asha had been having sex with Gill for almost a year, and during that time, had been turned on by every woman who walked past her. But she shared a peck on the lips with Angie, and now she’s walking around like a nun?

  Last night there was nothing she could do to stop Gill from going on about the wonderful life they were going to share. He talked about it on the way home from the restaurant, talked about it from the car to the house, through the bathroom door while he was on the toilet, while they were showering together again, and in the middle of making love, through his grunting and moaning, “Baby … it’s gonna be … just like, unh … this all … ooh … the time.”

  He fell hard asleep after that, on his side, his left arm thrown heavily across her. Asha lay there, staring up into the darkness, stroking the short hairs on his forearm, trying to envision some of what he was saying. She tried to see “Asha in a wedding dress,” “Asha in rubber gloves doing dishes,” “Asha in a maternity dress soon to give birth,” “Asha as mother and housewife, pushing a stroller to the market to shop for the family,” and it just didn’t come together, at least not like it did for Gill.

  Asha knew the “Yes” thing in the restaurant was a mistake, but what else could she have said at that moment? He wanted it so much, and since she gave her answer he had been so happy. Asha leaned over and kissed Gill’s forehead and told herself, somehow, she would find a way to fix it all.

  Now, outside the break room, Asha dug into her pocket and pulled out the huge ring that Gill had presented to her last night. She had taken it off to massage her clients, as she did with all her jewelry. She wasn’t putting her watch back on, or her other rings, just this one. Since she had it, she thought there really wouldn’t be much harm in flaunting it.

  Asha opened the door of the break room and walked in like it was any other day, but making a special effort to swing her left arm out farther in front of her than normal, grabbing the fridge handle with her left hand, when normally she would’ve grabbed it with her right. When she sat down, she opened her lunch pouch slowly, wanting everyone in front of her to see each individual finger, and possibly get a glance at what was on one of them.

  Three girls sat at the table with her. Nicole, Rhonda, and Paula. Paula was Italian with dark blond hair, and a somewhat large nose. Nicole was cute, mocha brown, but just a little overweight, and was in the middle of finishing her second Oscar Mayer Lunchable prepared box lunch. She was making a tiny pizza, spreading some pizza sauce over a crust the size of a Ritz cracker with a plastic stick that was supposed to function as a knife.

  “You steal your son’s lunch, or what?” Rhonda said, popping a baby carrot into her mouth.

  “No, but maybe if you ate some lunch once in a while, your clothes wouldn’t weigh more than you do.”

  Rhonda was very thin, but she still managed to have tiny curves at her hips, ass and breasts.

  “Well, at least I know that if I want pizza, I’m not going to go to Oscar Mayer expecting to get a decent one.”

  “Ladies, ladies, stop with all the squabbling,” Asha said, waving her left hand, as if attempting to stop them, but it was back side out, which looked rather ridiculous. “I’m trying to eat here, and …”

  And before she could finish her sentence, Nicole said, “Oooohhh, girl, no, you didn’t walk in here with that big-ass Z-ring on your finger.”

  Asha just smiled, knowing it would be Nicole who noticed it first.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Rhonda, Paula, look at the size of the rock on Asha’s finger. What did you do, knock off Rodgers and Holland’s?”

  “Asha, let me see that,” Paula said, pushing herself up from her chair and rushing around the table. Rhonda followed her. The three of them stood over her, ogling the ring, as Asha sat there loving the attention.

  “That has to be a karat,” Paula said, holding Asha’s hand in hers.

  “That’s a karat plus,” Rhonda said.

  “Karat and a half,” Asha corrected, smiling.

  “So is it Gill?” Rhonda said. “That fine-ass bamma that be sending you flowers and calling here all the time?”

  “He’s not a bamma. He’s from North Carolina. And yes, it is Gill,” Asha said, feeling proud, knowing that she had no right to, considering she wasn’t going to go through with it.

  “
Man, you are so lucky, Asha,” Nicole said. “I wish I could find a man like that to come and marry me.”

  Just then, the door opened and closed, and the women’s heads turned to see Big Les standing inside the break room, a crumpled brown lunch sack in her hand.

  “What’s up with the huddle?” Les said.

  “Les, come over here and look at this ring Asha got,” Paula said.

  Les lumbered over and took Asha’s hand from Paula. Asha cringed a little as her soft fingers rested on the rough callouses on Les’s palms. Big Les, without saying a word, examined it much longer than Asha felt comfortable with. And when Asha tried to gently pull her hand away, she felt Les tighten her grip. Asha yanked harder and took her hand back. Les looked up at Asha, giving her a stare that suggested she should be more careful whom she pulls her hand away from.

  “Is it real?” was all Les said.

  “Hell yes, it’s real,” Nicole answered for Asha.

  “Yes, it’s real,” Asha answered softly, looking directly into Les’s eyes.

  “You gettin’ married or something?” Les asked, maintaining eye contact with Asha.

  “Naw, Leslie. She got hired as a hand model,” Rhonda said. “Of course she’s getting married”

  “Gill gave it to her,” Paula said. “That’s her fiancé.”

  “That’s all right,” Les said, not taking her eyes away from Asha. Then she turned around, had a seat, and began to eat her lunch.

  Asha’s last client came late, as she always did for her appointments. But Asha was okay with it. It was Friday, and she really wasn’t in any hurry to get home to deal with that drama that Jayson was facing. And she definitely was trying to avoid seeing Gill just yet; it was too soon to have to deal with his overwhelming excitement about the idea of their getting married.

  It was a nice evening, so all the girls had left some time ago. Asha sat in the employee locker room, her locker open, half changed into the clothes she had come to work in. She wore a denim button-down shirt, white ankle sport socks, and her panties. Her jeans were lying draped over the bench behind her. She was about to put them on when she caught sight of the ring on her finger again, and she just stopped, lowered herself to the bench, as if she was just too overcome with all that she was facing to stand. She sat there for a moment, gazing down at the ring, admiring how beautiful it was.