Love Frustration

by RM Johnson

  Asha was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of a locker door slamming. She’d thought she was just about the only person left in the spa, and definitely thought she was the only person in the locker room. She didn’t see anyone, so she called out.

  “Hello,” Asha said. There was no answer, and that brought Asha to her feet. “Hello,” she said again, looking in the direction from which the sound came. And from that direction came the person who had made that sound, Big Les, and she wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing.

  “It’s me, Asha. I was changing to go home,” she said, her wide body, rounded shoulders, heavy breasts, and barrel-shaped hips in plain view for Asha to see.

  “Oh, sorry, Leslie. I thought I was the only one left here,” Asha said, shyly looking down at her feet.

  Les stood there quietly, not saying a word, but not moving back toward her locker either. Asha felt her unmoving presence there, but stopped herself from looking up.

  “You shy or something?” Les said, in her deep voice.

  “No. Why you ask that?”

  “Because you ain’t looking up at me. You acting like you gonna turn to stone or something if you look at my body. We rubbing on naked women’s bodies all day, and you acting too shy to look at mine.”

  “I’m not acting too shy, I’m just looking at my ring,” Asha lied, directing her eyes to her ring now.

  And then she heard the faint slapping of Les’s bare feet across the tile floor of the locker room coming toward her. Asha focused harder on her ring, feeling her body becoming tense. She tried to tell herself to calm down, that there was no reason to be tightening up. And there wasn’t. What had Les ever done to her?

  “Yeah, if I had that, I guess I’d be looking at it all day too,” Les said, and now she was standing right next to her. Asha had been looking down at her ring, but now she was looking down at Les’s bare feet. And for such a brutish woman, they were surprisingly dainty, and well manicured. Les was standing so close to Asha that she could almost feel the heat coming off her bare skin, could almost smell the scent creeping out from between her legs.

  “It’s a nice ring,” Asha said, looking up at Les, finding her staring at Asha’s naked thighs.

  Asha quickly grabbed her jeans and covered her legs with them.

  “You love that guy?” Les said, out of the blue. “The guy who gave you the ring?”

  “Yeah, I love him. And he loves me too, that’s why he gave it to me.”

  “People say you supposed to be all happy when you in love. You believe that?”

  “Yeah, I believe that.”

  “Then why don’t you seem happy? Why does it always seem like you missing something? You missing something, Asha?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Les looked down at Asha, a knowing smirk on her face. “Yeah, I bet I know what you’re missin’. He doing you right?”

  “Of course he’s doing me right. He’s a good man.”

  “Naw, Asha,” Les said, smiling slyly, “I mean, is he doin’ you right?”

  Asha knew what the hell she was talking about the first time she’d asked, but she was trying to play dumb, hoping that Les would drop it. She really was starting to get on Asha’s nerves now.

  “You know what, Les, that’s none of your business whether he’s doin’ me right or not,” Asha said with attitude.

  “Hey, hey. No need to get catty, baby. I was just checking to make sure your fine ass was getting taken care of. Because if you weren’t …” Les said, reaching to touch Asha’s face. Asha smacked her hand away, and said, “Like I said, that’s none of your business, and you need to be keeping your hands to yourself, if you like having hands.” Asha said this in her toughest voice, even though her heart was beating so hard, she thought Les might be able to see the imprint through her shirt, see just how scared she truly was.

  “It’s cool, it’s cool,” Les said. “But if you ever want to be done right, I mean really right, you just let me know.”

  “I don’t swing that way,” Asha said, with as much conviction as she could muster.

  “Yea, whatever,” Les said, turning her big self around and padding away on her bare feet. “But you think about what I said. I’m leaving the offer on the table.” And then before she disappeared behind the wall of lockers, she swatted her butt cheeks with both palms making a loud smacking sound, and said, “You might like this better than you think.” She laughed a deep, almost masculine laugh, making Asha feel as though she had just been violated in some way.

  14

  It was Monday now, and I was sitting in my car, outside of the Lincoln Park Social Center where Faith worked, thinking about how hard it had been to make it past yesterday, Sunday, my wedding day. All day Saturday, I’d sat on the floor of my silent apartment, the cordless phone in my hand. Every time it would ring, I would tell myself that it wasn’t Faith, really hoping that it was, and when I looked down at the Caller ID to see that it wasn’t, I would just let it ring until it finally stopped. I continued to sit there thinking about the steps I had taken to get to where I was, the mistake or mistakes I must have made to allow Faith to feel as though she had to be with another man just to get my attention.

  The phone rang, and I eagerly, foolishly, looked down at it, only to see that it was Asha calling and not Faith. She had been calling me all day, for the past couple of days trying to make sure that I was all right, that I wasn’t swinging dead in my bathroom, hanging naked from a necktie I’d somehow fixed to the ceiling.

  I was clearly depressed. I stared at the walls a little longer, trying with everything in me to keep that awful memory from playing out in my head again. Although up to this point, I had not been very successful. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see, as Asha so crassly put it, “Faith’s ass up in the air.” And I wouldn’t just see the images, I would hear the sounds, that man calling out her name as though he knew her intimately, Faith making the sounds she always made before she climaxed. Somehow, I couldn’t convince myself of what I so truly wanted to. I couldn’t deceive myself into thinking that, yes, she’d slept with that man, but she didn’t enjoy sleeping with that man, that she suffered through it, just to make her point. Because something told me she loved it, just as much as she enjoyed being with me. Possibly even more.

  Yesterday morning, Sunday, I woke up sore. I’d slept on the floor, on my area rug right in front of the sofa. I don’t know why when I could’ve easily walked to my bed, or at least hoisted myself up to the sofa. Maybe I felt sleeping on the floor was a form of punishment for being so stupid about Faith. I felt the entire thing was my fault. She’d let me know how threatened she was by Asha, had let me know pretty much by day one, and what did I do? Ignore her concerns, as though they meant nothing to me, as though she meant nothing.

  I picked myself up off the floor, wincing just a little at the dull pain in my back, and walked to the bathroom to grab a shower. I combed my hair and dressed, and sat back down on the couch, where I’d spent the last day and a half.

  A knock came at the door. It was Asha. I knew it, could tell by her knock. She’d decided to come up, since she probably knew I was never going to pick up the phone.

  “C’mon, Jayson. I know you’re in there. Your car is parked out front. Open the door.”

  I acted as though I heard nothing, just looked down at the phone, expecting it to light up and start ringing for some reason.

  “Jayson,” Asha said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

  I knew that, even though it felt like it was.

  “I mean, it’s not like it’s something worth killing yourself over,” she said.

  I knew that too, even though, for like a millisecond, the thought had crossed my mind.

  “And there are always other women out there.”

  I knew that. I didn’t think they’d all of a sudden disappeared.

  “Better women than Faith.”

  And there she was wrong. There was no woman better th
an Faith.

  “And eventually, you’ll find her.”

  Wrong again, Asha, I thought.

  “So please, Jayson. Will you let me in?”

  The answer was no. I tried to send her this message telepathically, hoping that she would get it. Because if she didn’t, she would just have to stand out there till she realized herself that I wasn’t opening that door.

  “You’re not going to open the door, are you?”

  Ah. One of the reasons I liked her, she was so damn swift.

  “No.”

  “Are you okay in there? Outside of the obvious, everything is cool, right? You aren’t hurt, are you?”

  “It’s nothing. Just my pride … my ego … and my heart … I guess.” I said these words as if I was speaking to myself, not knowing if she was even able to hear them.

  There was silence for a few moments, then Asha said, “Do you need anything?”

  I didn’t answer her.

  “I can run to the store and get you whatever, and if you don’t want to open the door, I can leave it out here, and you can get it when I go.”

  Still, I gave her no response.

  “Or if you really don’t want to open the door, I could just buy really thin stuff, like bologna, pizza, and Fruit Roll-Ups, and slide them under the door.”

  I smiled a little at that, which I’m sure was her intention.

  “That was kinda funny, wasn’t it? You don’t have to say it, but I know you’re laughing in there,” she said, through the door.

  “Yeah, I am, Asha,” I said, not loud enough for her to hear.

  “Well, if you need anything, you know where I’ll be.”

  I nodded my head, looking at the door.

  “And, Jayson … don’t worry whether Faith loves you anymore. I still do, and I always will. I’ll see you when you’re better.”

  “Thanks, Asha,” I said, softly, needing that more than she probably knew.

  I got out of my car, feeling nervous, thinking about what I would say to Faith when I saw her, wondering if I could remain calm, or if I would throw myself at her feet, beg for forgiveness.

  I walked through the doors of the community center to the smiling face of an aging, gray-haired woman. Mrs. Pilsen was the receptionist there, had been for the year I’d been coming through those doors to see Faith.

  “Good morning, Jayson. How are you today?” she said in her usual cheery manner.

  Faith obviously hadn’t told her what happened. But then again, why would she? And then I asked myself, did Faith tell anyone? Did it even matter that we didn’t marry?

  This would be awkward, confronting her at her place of work like this, but she gave me no choice. I tried calling her a thousand times, left messages, but she never returned my calls. I thought about going by her house, but I couldn’t bring myself far enough out of my depression to do it. Besides, I figured she wouldn’t have spoken to me anyway. But she would have no choice here. She had to go to work, and here she would have to listen to me. I would tell her that I was wrong, that she was right, and we could still have the life together that we had planned.

  “I’m fine, Mrs. Pilsen,” I answered, trying to match her level of cheerfulness. “Can you call Faith’s office, and tell her that someone’s out here to see her. But don’t tell her it’s me,” I said, putting a finger to my lips. “I want it to be a surprise.”

  “I’m sorry, Jayson. She’s not here this morning.”

  It was almost as if the words didn’t register at first, because I was so expecting to see her this morning, wanting to resolve this so we could move on. I gazed at Mrs. Pilsen for another second, expecting her to correct what she just said, before speaking. “Oh, um. Do you know if she’ll be in this afternoon?” I asked, disappointed.

  “I don’t know, but I can leave her a message that you stopped by,” she said, reaching for a pen.

  “No, no. That won’t be necessary,” I said, walking away, wondering where she could be.

  15

  Karen had been ducking her, Faith told herself, as she pulled up in front of the bank where Karen worked. Faith had been calling her all weekend, but the girl wouldn’t answer and wouldn’t return any of her messages. But that was fine. It was Monday morning and Karen had to go to work, and Faith would corner her there, make her tell her just why in the hell she had given Jayson a key to the hotel room.

  Faith walked through the glass doors of the bank and into the lobby. She looked in the direction of Karen’s station, and there she was, finishing up with a customer. When Karen caught a glimpse of Faith out of the corner of her eye, Faith could see she knew exactly why Faith was there. Karen quickly finished with the customer and threw a Teller Closed sign in the window. She spun around and was about to head for the back when Faith rushed the counter, saying, “Don’t you even think about it.”

  Karen halted in her tracks, her back still facing Faith.

  “If you don’t come back here and talk to me, I’m going to make a scene, and say such foul shit about you that they’ll have no choice but to fire your ass. Now come back here.”

  Karen turned around, barely able to look Faith in the eyes, as she walked back to the teller station. She removed the sign and said with little enthusiasm, “How can I help you today?”

  “Cut the shit, Karen. Thursday night Jayson walks in and busts me in that hotel room. Why don’t you tell me just how that happened?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Faith,” Karen said, but the tone in which she said it was hardly believable.

  Faith leaned over the counter and whispered into Karen’s ear. “Karen, you’re bigger than me, and you’ll probably kick my ass, but if you don’t tell me what I need to hear there is going to be a catfight right on top of this fucking counter.”

  Karen looked into Faith’s eyes to see if she was telling the truth.

  “If you don’t believe me, try me.”

  “All right, so I gave him the key.”

  “Why in the hell …” Faith began to shout.

  “Keep it down.”

  “Why in the hell did you do that?” Faith said, lowering her voice.

  “Now is not the time to talk about it. I’ll tell you later.”

  “Bullshit!”

  “I’ll tell you later, Faith,” Karen whispered loudly, looking over her shoulder to make sure no one was listening. “I’m at work. After I get off, I’ll come by your place and tell you everything.”

  “Un uh,” Faith said. “I’m not going to be sitting around waiting for you, looking stupid when you don’t show. I’ll be at your house at six o’clock. And for each minute you’re late, it’ll be another brick I throw through one of your windows. So don’t keep me waiting.”

  At five minutes to six, Faith had been sitting on Karen’s porch for ten minutes and was already scanning the ground for the best rock to throw first, when Karen’s car came to an abrupt halt in front of her place.

  Once inside the house, Faith didn’t take off her jacket and head toward the fridge as she normally did. Instead, she stood just inside the door, as if this was the first time she had ever set foot in the place, and the owner of the home was a stranger to her.

  “Aren’t you going to come in, sit down?” Karen asked, putting down her purse, taking off her jacket.

  Faith reluctantly walked into the living room, stood in front of the sofa a moment, then had a seat, not taking off her jacket or making herself comfortable.

  “You want anything?” Karen said, looking as though she was about to go to the kitchen.

  “Yeah, I want you to tell me what happened Thursday night.”

  “I will, but I’m thirsty.”

  “Drink later!” Faith said, shooting up from the sofa. “Tell me why you gave Jayson that key.”

  Karen paused for a moment, then had a seat in a chair on the other side of the living room. She folded her hands between her knees, and lowered her head. She looked very nervous, very unsure, and slightly scared.


  Faith sat there, looking at her, becoming very impatient waiting for Karen to open her mouth.

  “Dammit, Karen, for the fiftieth time, just tell me.”

  “You didn’t need to be marrying him!” Karen blurted out.

  Faith looked oddly at Karen. “What did you say?”

  “I said, you didn’t need to be marrying Jayson. And besides, you didn’t love him.”

  “Hold it,” Faith said, shaking her head. “I know you aren’t telling me who I shouldn’t be marrying, and who I should, and who I love, and who I don’t.”

  “You loved him, Faith?” Karen asked, very seriously.

  “Yeah.”

  “Then why were you sleeping with Gary?”

  “You know why.”

  “Oh yeah, the same reason you’ve been sleeping with him since before you even met Jayson. Hoping that something in that pussy of yours would finally make him leave his wife. It ain’t going to happen, Faith, if it ain’t happened yet.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, baby. Thursday night, after Jayson walked in and caught me and Gary, Gary saw the look on his face, saw how hurt Jayson was, he realized just how much competition he had. He knew that if he didn’t do something me and Jayson were really going to get married. So he told me then that he was going to finally leave her, that he was going to finally file for divorce.”

  “And what if he hadn’t changed his mind? What if he’d just told you that you could take your ass on and marry Jayson, that he didn’t care?” Karen said.

  “Then that’s what I would’ve done. Believe it or not, Karen, I do love Jayson. But I have to marry Gary.”

  “Have to? What are you talking about?”

  “I have my reason. It’s none of your business. I could’ve married Jayson and been happy, but that’s not what’s going to happen,” Faith said, smiling smugly. “The plan worked just like I thought it would.”