Secret Hudson (A Finding Nolan Novel Book 2)

by K. S. Thomas

  “Think they’ll work it out in the end?” I wasn’t sure I really cared one way or the other right then, but if I had the choice between talking about Derek’s relationship or mine, I was definitely going with Derek’s.

  “Honestly? I think it’s a fucking train wreck in the making. But I know Derek. He’ll see this through until the very end. It won’t matter how miserable she makes him, he’ll stay in this marriage forever, unless she gets her shit together and walks away for good.”

  Maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe talking about Derek’s relationship wasn’t better. “Why do you think he’ll stay?”

  Angel shrugged. “He made a promise. He took vows. That shit means something to him. Derek is about the most honorable dude you’re ever gonna meet. That’s why it’s so insane when Sammy comes along accusing him of shit we all know he’d never do, not in a million fucking years.”

  The whole thing was getting me thinking. “So, tell me. Has any of you guys ever had a relationship that was actually worth something?”

  Angel looked surprised, as if the question seemed odd to him. “Shit yeah. Have you met Blaise and Ava?”

  I snorted. “Yeah, okay. Ava and Blaise. Just based on what little I know about her controlling, bossy little ass, I can only imagine how fucking healthy that set up is.”

  “Whoa, dude,” he held up his hands, “I know you’ve had kind of a crash course in terms of what life is like with us, and you and Royce have a thing and all, and I respect that, but talking shit about Ava, that ain’t gonna fly, man.”

  “That’s fine. Whatever. Sorry.” I shifted in my seat trying to get back into a sleep worthy position in hopes Angel would get the message. He didn’t. Or, if he did, he completely rejected it.

  “Nah, not whatever. You want to say stuff, say it. But be prepared to have your shit set straight.”

  I blew out a loud breath through flared nostrils. I was way too wound up from the night before to be having this conversation. “Look, all I’m saying is sometimes it seems as if she lets the almighty manager power go to her head. I don’t know what she does for you or Derek, but I’ve seen how she meddles in Royce’s life, so I can only imagine what she must do to Blaise. But hey, if everyone is cool with that, that’s fine by me. I’m just not going to sit by and have her dicking around in my business anymore.”

  “First of all,” he sat up straighter, “yeah, she meddles, but we all do. So do you, by the way, or don’t you remember jumping in to help Derek with your little camera trick? Being in everyone’s business is a side effect of always knowing everyone’s business, and when you live the way we do that can’t be avoided.” He took a breath and I realized there was more. “As far as what she does for Blaise, that’s simple. She loves him. And I don’t mean the pretty kind of love people like to watch in movies or read about in books. This is a battered, bruised and broken, but still standing, kinda love. The kind fucked up individuals like us need, but don’t think for one second we deserve, provided it even exists for us at all. And don’t think we don’t all know that some shit went down between you and Royce last night. No need to have a band meeting to figure out Blaise and Ava staying behind with him has something to do with it. So, while they’re busy putting Royce back together, I’m going to do my part and set you right again.”

  His eyes narrowed. “I don’t care what happened between you guys. I’m not even taking sides, and believe it or not, I like you, Hudson. I really do. But you need to decide right now what kind of love you’re capable of. Because if it doesn’t exceed Sammy’s limited capabilities, you need to just walk away right now.” His face relaxed again. “Look, I’m not stupid. I know we ain’t easy to be with. It’s no accident I’m still single. I know damn well I need that battered, beat to shit kind of love from someone, and that’s not something anyone can ask of another person. They have to just give it anyway.”

  Then, as unexpectedly as he’d come, he got up and left again. I didn’t bother trying to fake sleep again. We had hours left on this flight, but I had a pretty good hunch no one else would be coming to talk to me. Angel had already said all there was to say.

  Chapter 17

  We left the little café and headed straight for the airport from there. While everyone else was enjoying the private jet to Australia, Ava had booked the three of us some first class tickets on a commercial airline. Any other time I would have been fine with that. Shit, if it wasn’t for the chaos that would ensue, I’d be perfectly content to fly coach. But today of all days, a little space from the outside world would have been welcome.

  At Ava’s insistence, the three of us were seated in the first row where we would have minimal through traffic and were less likely to be recognized. She’d also gone so far as to book the entire row, so at least there was that dim light of hope to cling to.

  “Can I sit with you?” She was standing in the aisle staring down at the empty seat beside me.

  “Yeah, of course.” I knew I owed her an apology, I just didn’t have a fucking clue where to begin. “Ava –“

  She took her seat and buckled her belt. “Don’t.”

  I swallowed hard, preparing to just jump straight into begging. Then, she took my hand and squeezed. “We’re good. Really. Just tell me what we need to do to fix things with Hudson. Because I need you to be good, too.”

  “That might not be as easy as you’d like it to be. I fucked up, Ava.”

  She grinned. “No shit. I’m pretty sure we’re all aware of that at this point.”

  “Thing is, I don’t think I can fix this.” I rested my head on the small airplane pillow and stared out the window.

  “Because you’re not willing to be honest?”

  I shook my head. “No. I’ll be honest. But it won’t be enough for him. I know it won’t. Why do you think I lied in the first place?”

  “You’re right. And it shouldn’t be enough. He’s not Garret or Daniel or any other cute face you’ve casually hooked up with in the last few years.”

  I winced. Way to fucking kick a guy when he’s already on fire. “Thanks, for that. Really, only a true friend would bring up all of my other failed relationships at a moment like this.”

  She cocked her brow at me skeptically. “Really? Relationships? Those guys were barely more than some strung together one night stands. You never expected any of those hook ups to turn into more than they were and you know it.”

  I jerked my head into an upright position to face her. “What are you talking about? I was ready for more! They were the ones who were just passing through on their way to the real deal.”

  She laughed. “Oh please. Any one of them would have been happy to have you be their ‘real deal’ but you never wanted that. If you had, do you really think it would have come so easy to keep them all hidden?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Think about it, Royce. This mess with Hudson could have happened with any one of them, if you had cared enough to make it. But you didn’t. It wasn’t like they were any happier about being kept in the shadows, you just didn’t give a shit if they cared or not. It was your way or the highway, and if they hit the road you blamed them for not being serious enough to stick it out. Except we both know that’s total bullshit. Who would want to be someone’s secret? No one, that’s who. It feels icky and dirty and wrong. Like the person you’re in love with is in some way ashamed of being with you. And before you start, I know he’s not the one you’re ashamed of. It’s yourself. But it doesn’t matter if I know that when Hudson clearly doesn’t.”

  How did she fucking do that? “What’s with this big picture shit? Insight is supposed to be my thing.”

  “Yeah, well. Sometimes it’s hard to see the whole picture when you’re sitting smack dab in the middle of it. It’s all good though. I know what I’m doing. I’ve been listening to you explain all this shit to people for years. Some of those skills were bound to rub off sooner or later.” She smirked.

  “Okay then. What super power are you pass
ing on to me in exchange?”

  “I’ve got a few. Which one do you want?”

  Just one. “Your courage.”

  She curled her arm around mine and laid her head on my shoulder. “You got it. Although you and I both know you don’t need it. You’re plenty brave all on your own.”

  I leaned down and gently rested my cheek on her head. “Not like you.”

  She laughed. “I’m pretty sure the incidents you’re thinking about involved stupidity, not bravery. You’re welcome to some of that too, of course, and truth be told, they usually work out to be worth about the same.”

  I closed my eyes and smiled. Not because I was happy exactly, but because at least I wasn’t alone in all of this. And after existing the first half of my life in total exile, being a part of something was worth more to me than just about anything. Except maybe Hudson. Damn. I’d actually wound up here. A place where my friends wouldn’t be enough. A place where I would need both. Them. And him.

  When we finally landed, I was a wired mess. No sleep and countless cups of coffee on top of complete emotional disarray made for a really detrimental combination. To keep things interesting, Hudson was the first person I saw upon opening the door to our newest hotel suite.

  “Hi.” It wasn’t the most creative opening I could have come up with.

  “You guys finally made it.” Neither was his response.

  “Yeah.” Well, this was going splendidly.

  “I hate to interrupt, but could you guys move it along so Blaise and I can get out of the hallway? I’m fucking disgusting and I need a shower. Not to mention, I need a computer and a phone line connected to Francis, ASAP.” Ava more or less pummeled her way through the both of us. Hudson shot her a dirty look, but I knew she’d only done it to override the horrible awkwardness that had set in between us.

  “S’up Hudson.” Blaise gave a courteous nod on his way past.

  “Yeah. Okay.” Apparently he was prepared to extend the cold shoulder to everyone associated with me.

  “Listen. Do you think we could talk?” Not that I had a fucking clue as to what I would say just yet, but I needed to do something, anything to start the ball moving between us. Even if I couldn’t see a way to give him what he wanted, I also couldn’t see a way to let him go without a fight. Or ever.

  “I think talking is a good idea.” He nodded and started walking toward one of the rooms in the back of the penthouse.

  “This our room?” I asked as I dropped my bag on the floor by the door.

  “It’s my room.” Ouch.

  “Sorry, yeah, of course. Obviously.” I hurried to pick up my bag and went to slide it back out into the living room before I closed the door to give us some privacy. Or at the very least, the illusion of such.

  “Listen, before you say anything, you’re not the only one who’s been getting an ear full around here. Angel gave me a pretty solid lecture on the flight over and to be perfectly honest, a lot of what he said made more sense than I would have liked. Thing is, I haven’t worked it all out for myself yet, so, no matter what you have to tell me, you should know, it’s not likely to fix anything. Not right now anyway.”

  My mind started racing. What the fuck had Angel said to him? Out of everyone, he was probably the last fucking person I would have chosen to give my boyfriend relationship advice. What with him never actually having had one. He was right up there with me when it came to clueless.

  “That’s fine. I totally understand. I screwed up, I don’t have any expectations.”

  He raised his brow skeptically. “You seemed to have some expectations a minute ago when you dropped your bag in here assuming it was our room.”

  I hung my head, embarrassed. “It was just out of habit, I didn’t really think...Can I just start over here? I was planning to grovel and beg and I’m off to a shit start.”

  The corner of his mouth curved up briefly. It wasn’t much, but I was willing to run with it.

  “Hudson, I lied. About pretty much everything. Ava isn’t forcing me to keep up any fake appearances. She definitely didn’t set up the date with Francis and, not that I ever said this, but I know you did so I have to set the record straight, she sure as shit never hired you to fuck me.”

  Hudson sank down onto the bed. “What the fuck do you want me to say to that?”

  I took two long strides across the room and knelt down in front of him. Being on my knees seemed more than appropriate given the situation.

  “I don’t want you to say anything. Just listen. I’m a piece of shit. Or, at least I’ve been acting like one. I’ve done and said whatever I had to just to keep our relationship from going public. And I realize how that must seem, but I swear to you, it’s not you I don’t want the world to see. It’s me.” I took a moment to collect my thoughts. There was no fucking point in holding back now. “Remember how I told you about my parents’ reaction to realizing I was gay? Well, that was really just a small part of what my first experience of coming out was like. The other part, the bigger part was how the rest of the world welcomed the news.

  “I was getting bullied to the point of physical violence by the time I was eleven. And when other people weren’t doing it for me, I did it to myself. Slicing away at my arms and the tops of my thighs with the scissors from my mother’s sewing kit.

  “By the time I started high school I couldn’t stand the sight of myself. Literally. I covered the mirror in the hall to my room with a poster. I never turned on the lights in the bathroom, I kept my eyes glued to the ground anytime I passed by windows. But it wasn’t enough. There was no escaping myself.

  “Then, when I was sixteen, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was done and so I set a plan in motion to put an end to everything. The name calling. The beatings. The ridiculing. The humiliation. The hate. God, there was so much hate...and I was the source of most of it. I hated myself for not being able to be normal. For being this victim. For being useless and helpless all of the time.” My throat was closing up, making it nearly impossible to say what I needed to say. And I needed to say it. I had to get it out. I owed him that much.

  “I was going to kill myself.” And somehow saying those words to this man, knowing that I never would have known him had I succeeded, was the most painful part of it all. It was no use trying to fight the tears. They were already escaping. Small betrayals against myself, but rather than use them as one more piece of ammunition against me, I simple accepted them. “I had a gun. I’d written a note. I was ready.” I sucked in a sharp breath. “Then, Ava crossed my path. And, true to form, she bulldozed right through my plans and insisted I come over to her house to play with the band. She changed my entire life that day. She saved me. She placed me on the path that led me here. And not just my career. But to you.”

  I took his hand in mine. He still hadn’t said a single word. But then, I’d asked him to do just that. Just listen.

  “I never should have involved her in this mess, and if I never find a way to fix things between us, I need you to know that she wasn’t a part of any of it. So, you can hate me, but you can’t hate her.”

  “I don’t. I don’t hate either one of you.” Hudson bent down to meet me at eye level. “I meant what I said when I told you I loved you. That doesn’t change just because you screw up.” Then his kind gaze veered off ever so slightly and I knew there was a ‘but’ still coming.

  “But it’s also not enough.” I dropped back and landed with my back against the dresser. Getting up and walking out probably would have been the better, more in the interest of self-perseverance choice, but I couldn’t. Not just because I had no fucking pride left to speak of, but because I wasn’t ready to give up. Not yet.

  Hudson sat there quietly. “I don’t know if it’s enough. I want it to be...but honestly, I’m not sure I’m capable of giving you what you need anymore.”

  I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, tired, frustrated and now utterly confused. “What?”

  The side of his face scrunched together
the way it always did when he was undecided about something. “I’m just...I’m fucking numb right now, Royce. Our fight didn’t just drag up a bunch of old shit for you. I’ve been fighting my own fucking demons all night. I even called my fucking mom. And I’m only telling you that because she’s comparable to Ava.” His finger shot out at me, prepared to stop me from making a comment. Which I didn’t. I got what he was saying.

  “Then, Angel lays all this shit on me in the plane. Mostly I was still too pissed and busy with my own drama to really understand the impact of what he was saying, but then you show up here. You bare your fucking soul to me and I get it. Fuck, I so get it. He was right.” Halfway through his speech, he stopped looking at me and started staring down at his hands in his lap. “He was fucking right,” he whispered.

  I was about to ask what Angel was so goddamn right about and whether or not it would end up helping me or killing me, when I lifted my head just in time to see Hudson sliding down from the bed to crawl straight for me.

  Then, he had both of his hands firmly placed on either side of my face, drawing me to him with a force. His lips crushed mine, and I surrendered to him as the unexpected relief flooded through me like a motherfucking tidal wave. I could feel more tears breaking free from the iron casket where I’d kept my heart on lock down. Hot trails streaked my face, but it was nothing compared to the burn I felt spreading in my chest. It was painful, terrifying and the most overwhelming sensation I’d ever experienced. All it took was one breath to ease the ache.

  I needed him. I needed Hudson like I needed to breathe. And that one small truth was equally simple as it was significant.

  ***

  Royce’s tongue was doing that thing he did in my ear and nothing else mattered anymore. There was no coherent thought running through my brain other than: This. This was what I wanted. This was where I was supposed to be. This was who I was meant to be with. This.

  Chapter 18

  By some miracle, it had been hours and not a single soul had so much as knocked on our door. For all I knew, the world had ended and Hudson and I were the only two human beings left on earth. Which would suck in terms of saving the human race, but would make for a reasonably romantic existence for the two of us.