Secret Hudson (A Finding Nolan Novel Book 2)

by K. S. Thomas

  Hudson’s breathing was shallow and I could feel the calm rhythm of his heartbeat against my arms, where I had them wrapped tightly around his chest. Over and over again the conversations replayed in my mind as if I was trying to hammer it into my brain just how close I’d come to never experiencing this moment. But that wasn’t the only thing I was hearing on replay.

  I’d been way too self-absorbed, drowning in all of my own bullshit. I hadn’t had time to fully register everything that had been said that night during our fight, but I was remembering now. Hudson had his own load of baggage. Granted, he’d been far more equipped in lugging it around on his own than I’d been with mine, but after everything, it was about damn time I offered to carry it with him.

  Softly, I kissed the tops of his shoulders, swirling my tongue over his smooth skin and traveling from one shoulder blade down to the other.

  He moaned, and I was instantly hard as a fucking rock. Only Hudson could turn me on like that using just the sound of his voice. Damn, that voice was sexy as hell.

  His head turned back to kiss me. “Good morning to you, too,” he muttered into my mouth and I knew any and all conversation would have to wait. I needed a clear head for what I wanted to talk about, and with Hudson’s mouth inching its way down my torso, there wasn’t enough blood flow moving upward to make that happen just then.

  Later, sitting on the floor wrapped in the bedding hanging off the mattress, with my back against the bed and Hudson’s head resting in my lap, I started over what I had failed at earlier.

  “You know, this thing, this unload all your ugly crap thing, it goes both ways.”

  He smirked. “I don’t have any ugly crap.”

  I bounced my leg, jarring him from his comfortable position and his hands flew up in surrender. “Alright, alright. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” He chuckled as he lifted his head to kiss me.

  “No trying to distract me. I’m serious. I don’t want there to be anything left between us. I want it all in the open. The good, the bad. The past. What we want for the future.”

  He laid his head back down. “That’s easy. You. I want a future with you.”

  I had to fight the urge to jump to my feet and break down in an all-out happy dance. Just knowing I felt that way made me feel like a fucking sap. An insanely happy sap, but a fucking sap none the less. The only comforting thought I could conjure up was reminding myself that I knew for a fact Blaise had broken into his share of happy dances. He’d done it in front of Ava and with her nothing was so sacred that she wouldn’t talk about it, especially if it was likely to garner a laugh. Which this story had. A lot of laughs.

  So, whatever. Blaise was about as macho an asshole there was, and he hadn’t hesitated to break into a jive the first time Ava absentmindedly referenced having children with him. Someday. Nothing specific. But there he’d been, jiving his badass little heart out.

  Anyway, I held back on the dancing, but the ear to ear grin was completely unstoppable.

  “I’m glad you want a future with me. That’s what I want, too. But I think we both know we have yet to agree on a path of how to get there. So, in the meantime, tell me how you got here.”

  I stroked his jet black hair, running my fingers over his scalp. It didn’t matter where I touched him, the feel of his skin on mine continued to send indescribable sensations through my entire body.

  Hudson gazed up at me, big brown eyes searching mine for reassurance and I gave it by waiting patiently until he was ready.

  “So you know I was born in Texas. Well, my father is from there. Huge family. Very religious.” He cleared his throat. “How he ever ended up with my mother in the first place, I’ll never understand, but I guess she was sort of a novelty to him while he provided some sort of security for her. I don’t know. Anyway, I don’t remember ever having that ‘holy shit, I’m gay moment.’ It was just always kind of a given. I was different. I felt different. And even though I understood pretty early on that most boys liked girls, I was also exposed to plenty of my mother’s artists friends, many of which were gay. I guess I felt most comfortable around them from the start.” The whole time he spoke, his eyes stayed locked on mine.

  “Naturally, my dad hated my mother’s crowd, so she kept the two pretty separate. Then, somewhere along the way, I became part of that crowd and there was no way to keep one from the other anymore.”

  I let my thumb glide down his cheek and along his jaw. “How did he react?”

  Hudson snorted. “Not well. I was twelve when he caught on to the fact that I liked boys. It wasn’t like anyone had been keeping it a secret from him, just hadn’t come straight out and told him. Honestly, it hadn’t ever occurred to me that I would need to. Well, shit hit the fan and next thing I know, my father had me seeing a counselor for a little something called reparative therapy.”

  I shook my head. “What’s that, like conversion therapy? Trying to convince you that you’re actually straight?”

  “Yep. I went twice a week for six months before my mother found out I wasn’t going to meet with my math tutor on Tuesdays and Thursdays like my father had told her. They fought. Huge blow out. My mother called him every name under sun while my father simply declared that he would not under any circumstances have a faggot for a son. So, my mother told him he had nothing to worry about. She could fix that. Said while she was it, she’d also take care of that business regarding him having a wife. And that was the end of that. She threw a bunch of stuff into the back of her station wagon and we left that night. Never saw him again.”

  “Wow.” Apparently being completely ignored wasn’t the worst thing a parent could do to you.

  “Yeah. After that, my mother went out of her way to create an environment where I’d never feel rejected ever again. To say I was sheltered would definitely be an understatement, but I’m grateful because those years she homeschooled me and kept me away from people who shared my father’s twisted beliefs made me stronger. By the time I stepped out into the world as an adult, I never second guessed myself. I was okay enough with myself to make up for anyone I might come across who wasn’t. My mother did that for me.” He got quiet. “But, it cost her. Regardless of how many times she’s called him an asshole, my mother loved that man. Whatever differences kept them apart, there were more ties between them that had linked them together. I don’t doubt for one second they’d still be married if things had been different. If I had been different. But I wasn’t.”

  It was my turn to stroke his cheeks and dry the tears his father had caused way before I ever even met him. “Well, for very selfish reasons, I’m really glad you’re not different.” I bent down, my lips pressing against his.

  “You mean because it would make moments like these particularly awkward?”

  I grinned, running my left hand along his chest, over his waist and under the covers he had draped over his hips. “For example.”

  Mostly I just couldn’t imagine a world in which I wouldn’t be able to love him the way that I loved him. Although, even as I thought it, I realized that was precisely the type of world I’d created for myself. Or, at least, I’d believed that I had.

  ***

  Things had shifted between us. And while I knew that our reality hadn’t changed much, our relationship had. All levels of lies and dishonesty had been eliminated. Maybe there were things we still couldn’t agree on. Compromises we would still need to determine. But, we had honesty. Real, raw and ugly honesty. And that, was the most beautiful thing I’d ever shared with anyone.

  Chapter 19

  Australia had officially become the happy ever after part of this whole tour. It didn’t hurt that it marked the end of our world travels for a while, nor did I resent the fact that after our second and final show there, we were left with an entire week of vacation in one of the most amazing places on earth.

  Being as Ava always planned tours this way and that she considered that last stretch of the trip to be family time, we didn’t have a whole lot of
freedom on how we wanted to spend it. Thankfully, Ava would have made a damn fine travel agent because everything we did was like something straight out of a vacation magazine.

  Sunday was spent taking a day trip out to tour the local wine country. While we all stuck to grape juice to support Blaise, the scenery and atmosphere was more than enough to give you a nice content buzz all day long.

  Monday we ventured out for a private tour of the Sidney Taronga Zoo, mostly because Ava had read that they let you cuddle their koalas and apparently that was some sort of childhood dream of hers.

  “You’re not going to try and smuggle that thing out of here, are you?”

  She casually draped the long flowy sleeves of her dress over the baby koala she was cradling. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Avalon!”

  She made a face and hissed, “Fine. Jackass. But I’ll have you know, Hudson was in on this. He’s busy distracting the tour guide as we speak.”

  He later denied said accusations. Well, until I was already dozing off. Then he’d confessed the whole thing thinking I was already asleep.

  Tuesday, Ava got us up extra early to board a boat. It was so damn early I didn’t know what the fuck was going on or what we were doing, so when the humpback whale surfaced three feet away from where I was leaning over the railing trying not to puke up the three cups of coffee I’d chugged in hopes of waking up, I about pissed my fucking pants.

  “What did you think we were going to do on a whale watching cruise?” Hudson mused. “You’re not supposed to do that,” I grumbled.

  “Do what?”

  “Laugh at me.”

  He flashed me that sexy smirk. “So laugh with me.” And I did. Just like that.

  Wednesday, we found ourselves back on a boat and this time I was careful to pay better attention. Of course, even if I hadn’t, I would have known something was up when they started handing out the oxygen tanks. We spent the entire day snorkeling and diving around the Great Barrier Reef and it was fucking phenomenal.

  By Thursday I was ready for a day on land and so, after much arguing and implementing my fine-tuned persuasion skills, Ava let Hudson and I opt out of the shark diving outing. That shit was more Blaise and Angel’s speed anyway.

  Then, on Friday we took off for New Zealand where Ava had a special surprise planned for Derek. A total Lord of the Rings fanatic, he about lost it when we showed up at Middle Earth for a Hobbit Tour. To be fair, it was pretty fucking cool even for those of us who had only watched the movies, and then only the ones with Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen in them, which is to say Hudson, Ava and I had a blast as well.

  It was the perfect ending to our tour and if it hadn’t been for the fact that for the first time ever I wasn’t going home to be alone in my empty house, I might have been sad to leave come Monday morning.

  As usual, we split ways at the airport. Each of us headed home to our own places. It was always weird to separate after going everywhere together for so long. Although, to be fair, I’d yet to ever have to make that trip completely solo. Living next door to Ava and Blaise meant we shared a car until we parted at our driveways.

  This time, Hudson was there too.

  “Wow. This is your place?” He took a few steps back to try and get a better view of the whole house.

  “Yeah. It’s ridiculously big, I know. I only got it because it was next door to Blaise and I was scared of being cut off from the whole world if I lived somewhere totally alone. That probably sounds weird.” I shook my head, kinda wishing I hadn’t bothered to explain that. “Anyway, it’ll be nice to have someone else in the house to answer me when I walk around the halls yelling, I’m lost again.”

  I led the way up to the door and a few seconds later we were both standing inside the foyer. I dropped the bags near the stairs and kept going, excited to give him a full tour of the place, but Hudson stayed rooted just three feet past the front door.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “How are you going to explain this? Me being here with you? Even as we pulled up, there were at least ten paparazzi parked right outside your gate. They’re going to see me coming and going. Unless you plan on keeping me here forever, trapped in a tower somewhere.”

  I hadn’t really thought about that. Purposely. I didn’t have an answer.

  “I don’t know.”

  “And how long? I mean, am I visiting? Are you asking me to move in?”

  “Is that something you would want to do? Would you live here? Permanently?”

  I guess I’d sort of taken some things for granted. Like the fact that he had a home back east. A life. A job. His mother. It was just that after being together twenty-four hours a day while we were on the road, I sort of assumed nothing would change.

  “In a heartbeat. But, if you want this to be my home, I have to be able to live here. Really live here. No sneaking around. No worrying about who might see what, or what pictures might get taken. I won’t hide, Royce.”

  I nodded. “I know that. I would never ask you to do that. I mean, I can see why you would think that, obviously, I have...asked you to do that. But, yes, I want this to be your home. Our home.” The happy dance urges were dulled by the upcoming compromise. “Just...I won’t be explaining any of it to anyone. If they jump to conclusions, I’ll let them, but that’s the most I have to offer right now.”

  Hudson smiled. “I’m good with that.” Finally, he started to move. Dropping his bag beside mine, he came up beside me and took my hand. “Alright, babe. Show me our place.”

  ***

  Almost a month had passed since we’d gotten back to L.A., and while part of me had wondered if the fantasy bubble would burst the moment day to day reality set it, it couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

  Things were better than ever. Even though Royce wasn’t going out of his way to go public with our relationship, he wasn’t dating women anymore, so that was a definite plus.

  Living together without the rest of the band sitting in the living room or sleeping down the hall, meant we got to learn a whole new way of being together. Of being just us.

  We cooked meals together. Took turns with the chores. Watched each other’s favorite movies. Spent hours upon hours listening to every album we deemed musically important. Sat with our coffees in the courtyard for entire afternoons discussing everything and nothing, arguing, sometimes fighting, and finally, laughing. Always laughing.

  The only time we weren’t together, were the hours I spent working. After weeks of shooting non-stop images of the band, I had about a million pictures to sort through, edit and prepare for my presentation with Ava and the publisher. It made for an interesting new dynamic, me being so focused and sometimes buried in my work until late at night while Royce was on break until it was time to hit the recording studio again next month. But I liked it. He was incredibly nurturing and caring when he had the time and energy to be so. And I found myself constantly surprised by new and unexpected sides of him, so endearing and lovable it made it harder and harder to bear, knowing how he felt about himself. It was inconceivable really, how someone so loved could still hate himself so much.

  So, I decided it was time to do something about it. It was time to show him the truth. And with Christmas right around the corner, now seemed as perfect a time as ever. I even knew exactly how I was going to do it. I just couldn’t do it alone. Therefore, the following Saturday night, we went next door to have a pre-holiday dinner with Blaise and Ava. Or, at least, that’s what Royce thought we were doing.

  Chapter 20

  “Hello?” I fumbled my hand along the wall inside the door. “Why is it so fucking dark in here? You guys forget to pay your power bill or something?”

  When I finally hit the switch, it didn’t exactly give me the results I was looking for. Instead of the main light filling up the room, five spotlights shown down from the ceiling. Four of them were filled with my best friends. The fifth was empty.

  “Okay. What’s going
on?”

  Hudson didn’t say anything. He just took my hand and walked me toward the others, starting with Ava.

  “Hey, handsome.” She was smiling, but even in the dim lighting, the heavy shine on her eyes spoke volumes about her emotions and I was instantly freaked out.

  “Hey.”

  “Do you know what day today is?”

  I had no fucking clue.

  “Well, it’s my mother’s birthday.” She giggled. Not a happy giggle, but the kind she did when she knew she was saying the exact opposite of what she had meant. Like she was laughing at her own joke or something.

  “Tell her I said happy birthday?” I laughed too. Partially because I was nervous and partially because Ava’s expression was ridiculous.

  “I will. Thanks. But that’s not what makes today so important.”

  “No?”

  “No.” She glanced down and for the first time I realized she was holding something in her hand. A piece of paper or something. “Eight years ago today, I walked out of my mother’s kitchen after watching her slip and fall because she was too drunk to walk straight, landing smack dab in the cake I had baked her. I left my house that morning, determined to find the final member we needed to complete Finding Nolan because I was desperate to get out of that life and away from my mother.” Her eyes were steady on mine now. “It wasn’t until after our last class, when I saw you walking out to the parking lot that it hit me. You were the one we were looking for. We needed you.”

  So maybe I’d had clue. I just hadn’t ever considered that today would be significant for anyone other than me.

  Ava went on, “You changed my life that day, Royce Lemmi. And not just because you turned three guys goofing off in a garage into a real band, but because of the friend you’ve been to me from that moment on. You stood by me, during the hardest time in my life. You could have judged me. You could have quit on me. So many times, you should have hated me. But you didn’t. You wouldn’t.”