Needing You

by Becca Siller

  I close my eyes, turning my face away from his. I knew it would be hard to tell him I’d slept with Wyatt but he seemed okay with it. “I understand.” I pull away, heading back to my room.

  “Charlie, I’m not angry with you. But it doesn’t make the fact that you were with him any easier to swallow. I’m going to go blow off some steam and…” The doorbell rings so I take the opportunity to enter my room and close my door.

  Ian was only gone for a few hours. When he came back he was freshly showered and brought take-out Chinese. I didn’t hide from Olivia the whole time. We caught up on my DVR’d shows that she watches too.

  I’m curled up in the corner of the couch with Deputy on top of me. Ian chuckles when he walks around to crouch in front of us. “I think he’s confused about his size,” he says, scratching Deputy behind the ears. I just look at him silently. “I’m sorry, Charlie. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I feel much better now. I brought a movie…” he raises an eyebrow flirtatiously.

  “Did you go work off your frustration with another woman?” I ask bluntly. I have no right to even ask, I just slept with Wyatt not twenty-four hours ago.

  Ian stiffens and his eyes darken with anger. “I’m not him, Charlie. I don’t need to have sex to be happy. I went to the gym and went a few rounds of kickboxing with a personal trainer.”

  I sag against the arms of the couch. “Nothing works out your emotional turmoil like kicking someone’s ass,” Olivia says, digging into the food.

  “Wait, Livy, I want Charlie to get some before you eat it all.” Olivia makes a rude noise and I reluctantly smile.

  “I don’t know if I can eat, Ian.” He reaches for me, pulling me out from under Deputy.

  “I’m not asking. You need to eat. I also bought some soda and tea.” His thoughtfulness makes me smile again.

  “Listen, Charlie, I know how hard what you’re going through is. We’ve all been there at least once. I find ice cream and old eighties movies always make me feel better,” Olivia offers.

  “Thank you, Olivia. I haven’t had to deal with anything like this before. I feel dirty and nauseated when I think about it,” I explain. When I think about Wyatt being with all of those women and then with me, I honestly worry I’m going to retch.

  “What do you normally do when you’re sad?” Ian asks with a lighter tone.

  “Sing,” I shrug. Riley and I always sang to each other. When we were twenty she thought she was in love and was going to marry this guy we met on vacation. He broke her heart, and she cried so hard. I held her all night singing sweet songs, trying to soothe her.

  “So, sing.” Ian shrugs back.

  “Maybe tomorrow I’ll have the energy.” I try to eat, but only manage a few dumplings and some rice.

  Olivia leaves when Ian puts the movie on. She says she’s expecting a phone call from Skylar. But I know it’s the middle of the night in Scotland. I sense something else but can’t think too much about it. Ian settles on the couch and pats the seat next to him. I sit but try to keep space between us even though I want to curl up next to him like a kitten. He looks at me for a moment, then wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side. I snuggle down close, breathing in Ian’s scent, feeling myself relax against him. We settle in and I watch most of The Avengers before I fall asleep.

  Riley

  Since Miles doesn’t have to be on set until later this afternoon we’ve decided to drive around the countryside all morning, just the two of us. The sun is shining for once and it is absolutely beautiful here. Miles pulls over at a cliff overlooking the ocean, the smell of fresh air and salty sea are intense for my K-9–like senses now. He sets down a blanket for us to lie on, watching clouds roll by. It’s peaceful and perfect.

  “Riley, have you thought about names?” Miles asks absently.

  “A little, I like Kyra for a girl and Blake for a boy,” I tell him, waiting for his reaction.

  “I like Kyra but hell no to Blake. I was thinking Jacob for a boy but I know you’ll think that is too popular.” Miles spins a flower between his fingers.

  “I wasn’t really thinking about Blake or Kyra. In all seriousness I like Savannah for a girl but the name I want for a boy is Miles Connor.” I keep my voice as serious as I can because I want him to know how much I really want to name our son after him.

  Miles leans up on one elbow and looks down at me. His green eyes are glistening in the sunlight; his breathtaking face makes me melt. “You would really do that? Name him after me?”

  “I’ve decided. I just want you to be ok with it.” Miles stares at me intently and I start to panic. What if he doesn’t like it and doesn’t know how to tell me?

  I see him working to swallow. “I love it. I think that’s the most beautiful name I’ve ever heard. My son will be named Miles Connor Porter.”

  I pull him down for a kiss, and he tilts his head to deepen it. I moan when he cups my breast through my shirt. His erection pressing against my leg makes me giggle. “Miles, we cannot have sex here,” I exclaim, laughing.

  “Why not? No one’s here…” Miles makes a show of looking around. “I want to bury myself in you every minute I can before you go back home.” I smile, pushing up to kneel in front of him. I unbutton my shirt, exposing my breasts barely restrained in the lacy cups of my bra. Miles pulls me close to nuzzle the sensitive flesh. Swiftly he lifts me and turns me to face the ocean view. He impatiently tugs at my pants, pulling them down, exposing my ass to the chill of the breeze. I can hear the clatter of his belt opening, then feel him pressing his cock between my legs. I gasp and open to him as his arm wraps around my waist, and his mouth clamps onto my neck. When he pushes in, he moans. “You’re already wet?” he asks, astonished.

  “Always for you,” I murmur huskily. He lifts me slightly, fitting himself tightly inside me. His free hand gently rubs at my breast. His ability to give the right amount of force and gentleness is the perfect combination. “Miles, baby, it’s so good,” I moan, rolling my head further to the side. I bring my arms up and wrap them around his neck. His thrusts become harder and I can feel myself building. I open my eyes to gaze out over the ocean; it looks like a blanket of crystals shimmering in the sun.

  “Never enough, I’ll never get enough of you,” Miles rasps in my ear. He releases my breast to slide down to my wetness, dragging it up to my clit and stroking swiftly. I explode with a quick gasp. My nails dig into his shoulder, and I push back hard against him. I bite down on my lips so hard I taste blood but Miles doesn’t stop. His thrusts become harder and harder. I climax again, screaming out loud, slumping forward onto my hands and knees. Miles drives deep this way and I shift my hip slightly to ease the pain. Miles growls behind me, digging his fingers into the flesh of my hips, leaving marks. I close my eyes at his savage thrusting. It’s slightly painful but so good. Finally he shoves deep, falling over me, sucking the column of my neck hard, stilling as he releases himself into me.

  I lay there, my pants still slightly out of place. Miles has never taken me so primally like that. I wonder what’s gotten into him. Not that I minded because that was amazing. “Miles, are you okay?” I ask him, still panting.

  “Yeah,” Miles swallows hard. “I’m sorry, baby, did I hurt you? I don’t know what came over me,” he says sounding discomfited.

  “Hell no, that was hot. You were so savage. I’ve never seen you like that.” I give him an exaggerated shiver.

  He chuckles, his deep voice vibrating my already humming body. “I guess seeing what Charlie and Wyatt went through just reminded me how much I love you. I don’t want you to think I’d ever be with anyone else, ever, together or not. I want to brand you as mine. Now I do sound like a caveman,” he laughs again, “I’m not explaining it well.”

  “No, I get it. I feel the same way. I hate to see them suffering like this but they have to find their way whether that be back to each other or not.” I sigh with contentment and resignation for them.

  The minute we get to the
set my phone rings and I look at the screen to see it‘s Ian. When I answer my ear is assaulted by Charlie’s scream…

  Wyatt

  We’re doing a late afternoon shoot and I feel like absolute shit. My head is pounding with the last of the midday hangover, my stomach is rocky, but the pain in my chest has nothing to do with drinking. I see Miles and slowly make my way over to him. I hate how he’s in the middle of all of this. I really fucked shit up last night and the things Riley said hit me hard. I went to my trailer and tried to drink until I couldn’t remember why I was crying but that didn’t work out. The only thing I accomplished was making myself sick. Filming is going to be a bitch in this state.

  Riley’s phone rings just as I approach them. I didn’t notice her standing there, probably because she’s so tiny next to Miles. The second the call connects a blood-curdling scream comes over the line. Riley closes her eyes with complete recognition, Charlie. The torment is only muddled by her heart-wrenching sobs and pleas to stop in between screams. Miles and I look on helplessly.

  “Ian, wrap her in your arms tightly but try not to hurt her. She’ll fight, but she’ll calm if you whisper soothingly in her ear,” Riley says, sounding as helpless as I feel. The screams are still shooting through the phone like they’re reaching for someone. “Ian, I don’t know what else to do…” Riley says, starting to cry. A loud “No” rings out over the phone, then I can’t hear anything else. “Charlie, honey, honey, can you hear me?” Riley sags so hard she almost falls but Miles catches her, holding her against his body. “I’m so sorry we weren’t there…I know, I’m glad he was there, too. Go take a hot shower and make sure you drink some juice, ok?” I feel my anger flare at McShane for being there for her when I can’t. “I love you, too. Call me later.”

  “Damn baby, I could hear her screaming over the phone. Is it always that bad?” Miles asks, holding Riley tightly to his chest.

  “Yeah, she said they were getting better. That didn’t sound better,” I state sternly. Was I lied to? Why would Charlie tell me she was better if she wasn’t?

  “She was,” is all Riley says sharply. “Until you” is left unspoken.

  Skylar comes running up to Riley. “Leelee’s having a nightmare and Ian doesn’t know what to do…” The panic on his face is evident. They’ve all been through a lot getting Charlie to where she is, or was.

  “I know, she’s ok now. I just talked to her.” Riley pats Skylar’s arm.

  Skylar turns to see me standing there and his eyes narrow. “You motherfucker, this is your fault. I swear if my sister goes back to Zombie Charlie, I’m coming back over here to kick the shit out of you. I’ll fuck you up so badly you’ll need a new profession.” He’s within an inch of my face, and his threat is valid but I won’t back down from him.

  “That’s enough, Skylar, back off. He’s hurting enough, trust me.” Miles shoots me a concerned glance as he pulls Skylar back.

  “I’m sorry,” I look right at Riley when I say it. “I never meant to hurt her. I love her, Riley, please know that.” I don’t wait for her response. I turn to head to makeup. I need to figure out how to forget all of this. I can’t continue to feel this pain. It takes me back to a place I try to forget.

  As a child I would get so excited every time I was placed with a new family. Eventfully they’d get tired of my shit and pass me along once again. I was never able to settle and started acting out because it was the only way I was able to get the attention I craved. Negative attention is still attention. When I figured out sex gave me a better way to feel affection and a twisted sense of love. I used that to cope with the feelings of abandonment and worthlessness that followed me everywhere I went. Going through this with Charlie seems to mirror my life before. I know what I should be doing. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me not to fall back to what I’ve always known. Right now the only thing I can do to survive this is to not feel it anymore.

  Charlie

  Ian’s face is paper white. “I’m sorry, Ian. I know you didn’t sign up for this.” I try to shrug but Ian stops me.

  “Charlie, it isn’t your fault. Take a shower while I make coffee and breakfast.” Ian tries to make me feel better about scaring the shit out of him.

  “It’s early, how about we go back to sleep for a while?” I ask tentatively, pointing to my bed. Ian just stands watching me. “Unless you don’t want to sleep next to me. I understand if you don’t.” I turn quickly to take a shower, not waiting for his rejection.

  Ten minutes later I step out of the bathroom clean and feeling tired. When I look to my bed, Ian and Deputy are both sprawled on top of it. Ian is leaned against the headboard asleep with the remote still in his hand. I smile slightly and take a moment to survey the scene. Ian is bared from the waist up and has one leg tossed out of the covers. He looks completely at home in my bed. Slowly I pad around the bed and slide in next to him. He stirs, then pulls me into his side. I nestle my cheek against his chest while he strokes my back tenderly. The familiarity of our embrace is at odds with the limited time we’ve known each other and the obstacles we’ve faced in that short time but for now I welcome it. Having Ian here with me right now is exactly what I need.

  Riley

  This week I’ve spent with Miles has flown by. I hate that I have to go home already but I know I’ll see him in less than four weeks for our wedding. I’m at the set for the last time. Everyone here has been really nice and accepting. No one’s made me feel unworthy of Miles, which has been one of my insecurities. I haven’t met the director yet. Every time I’ve tried he’s been busy. Now I’m standing to the side watching Miles doing a very emotional scene with Wyatt’s character. They’re so convincing that I find myself crying. But let’s be honest here, I cry at everything lately.

  The two of them are in a big room called the hall discussing the impending war that’s almost on their doorstep. Wyatt’s character wants Miles’ character to take their women and run but Miles is steadfast, he won’t leave his brother to die alone. They decide to send their wives ahead with a caravan of peasants so they’ll go unrecognized. Once they’ve decided, Miles’ character squeezes Wyatt’s arm and says, “Blood of my blood, my sword is your sword, I am a husband and father but above all others I am your brother for always. To die by your side is to die with the most honor.” They embrace and the director calls “Cut.” I stare astonished at the amount of emotion they can put into their performance.

  “What did you think, baby?” Miles asks, striding to me. My mouth moves open and closed but I can’t speak. Skylar is standing in awe next to me; our reactions make Miles blush self-consciously.

  “You two were amazing! I am so buying the first one when I get home,” I reply. Skylar looks star-struck for the first time ever around Miles.

  “Ok, but be warned that although Wyatt has all the sex in it, I do have a few kissing scenes in that one,” Miles explains.

  I smile warmly at him. I love that he’s worried about my reaction to his job. And I’m, but I would never tell him that. “You were absolutely amazing! How are you able to have so much emotion like that? You are truly my hero now. I actually felt like you and Wyatt were about to go off to war together,” I blurt out now that I’ve found my tongue. “I almost cried.”

  “Well, thanks, baby, you have no idea how good that makes me feel,” Miles says sweetly, coming to wrap his arms around me.

  “Porter, Grayson, come over here please,” the director calls, guiding them over to where he’s sitting. He waves, giving me a warm smile as Miles make his way over to him, and Wyatt comes out from another direction.

  “I’m seriously impressed. Even though Wyatt may be on my shit list right now, the dude is seriously talented,” Skylar says, squinting in the momentary sunlight.

  “I agree. What time is it?” I ask because I know we need to head to the airport soon. When Skylar tells me the time, I slump with disappointment. I hate leaving Miles. This separation is making me reconsider my vehemence about not traveling with
him. But I also know once I have the baby I won’t want to be traveling. I see Miles finishing up his conversation with the director, and he heads back over to me. His face is lined with worry.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask as soon as he is close enough to hear me.

  “I know you’re going to be pissed but it looks like shooting is going to be extended by at least a few weeks,” his face is full of regret and worry.

  “But…why?” I ask, my voice sounding like a harsh whisper.

  “There’ve been too many delays due to weather and technical difficulties. I’m really sorry, baby. All I want is to be there with you.” I hold my hand up, then stretch to wrap my arms around Miles’ neck.

  “I love you, Miles. I’m not going anywhere, ok? Don’t worry about it.” He kisses me and I can feel his body release some of his tension.

  “You aren’t mad?” he asks, looking me straight in the eyes.

  “No baby, it’s your job. I’m a little sad I’ll have to have my dress let out to fit me but I’ll live.” I give him a little smile. Inside I’m crushed. Now I’ll have to call the wedding planner to reschedule everything. But I guess things like this happen when you’re going to be married to a celebrity, so I should just get used to it.

  “Sorry, guys, but it’s time to head to the airport,” Skylar says behind us. I break away from Miles so they can hug and say their goodbyes. I swallow hard, looking around to prevent myself from crying for the millionth time. I can cry on the entire trip home and Skylar will hold me, but I will not break down in front of Miles. I need him to know I’m strong and can keep it together without him.

  “I hate leaving you after giving you bad news. Actually I hate you leaving period. I’m not going to be able to sleep again,” Miles says, then gives me an exaggerated pout, which is ridiculous on his handsome face.