Needing You

by Becca Siller

  “Hey, you need company?” Scott asks, coming to stand next to me. I shake my head, swallowing hard to keep the tears at bay. “Come here,” Scott croons as he pulls me onto the bed.

  “I knew this was inevitable but I didn’t expect it to end out of anger like this. I don’t understand, Scott. Why does shit like this keep happening?”

  “I don’t know. I guess it’s just that kind of day. I got to see Jesse earlier. You walked right past him when you and Ian came in. Seeing his face when you didn’t notice him was worth the strain,” Scott chuckles softly. His comforting embrace breaks the hold I have on my emotions. Slowly I let the tears fall down my cheeks silently, hoping Wyatt wasn’t privy to the explosive altercation with Ian.

  Riley

  Well that was awkward. I knew Miles invited Jesse to the wedding but I honestly didn’t expect him to accept. Now Ian and Charlie are fighting again. That’s another thing I didn’t expect. I knew Ian had stronger feelings for Charlie then she had for him but I didn’t expect him to blow up the way he did. He practically dragged her into the house. I thought Darius was going to blow a gasket he was so pissed to see him touching her so roughly. Seeing this side of Ian makes me a little nervous. I’m glad they aren’t together anymore.

  Natalie helps me make the lasagna in the kitchen while the guys clean up the house. Well, all the guys but Miles. He’s sitting on the stool watching me with Natalie. He has a wistful smile on his perfect lips and I know he’s thinking about our own daughter. Seeing him sitting here makes my heart feel complete. I’m so happy right now I could burst.

  “Auntie Leelee!” Natalie exclaims, running to Charlie. She looks a little ragged. I stop what I’m doing to go to her.

  “Hey, hun, are you ok?”

  “Yeah, just a little stressed out. I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.” She shifts Natalie to her hip then leans over to rub my belly. “And how is my other niece doing?”

  “Wiggling like a gymnast!” I exclaim. She’s so active around this time every day.

  “Can you feel her on the outside yet?” Darius asks as he comes into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge.

  “Not yet. I’m counting down the days until I can,” Miles replies. Darius holds up another beer, gesturing to Miles with it.

  “I want one too, Darius. I need it to get through the rest of the night,” Charlie says, then walks over to wrap Miles in a big hug. “I’m so glad you’re here. We’ve missed your handsome face around here.” Miles gives her a kiss on the cheek, then opens her beer bottle for her.

  “Did they tell you Wyatt and Jesse are coming back for dinner?” I ask Charlie offhandedly.

  “No…Ian is supposed to be coming back.” She pulls the beer bottle down from her lips with a bemused expression. “Wait, did you say Wyatt and Jesse?”

  “Yeah, you walked right past him. He’s here for the wedding.”

  “I know but he and Wyatt are coming…together?”

  “Yeah, they went to check into their hotel. I guess they talked and have made amends,” I explain as I finish my part of the lasagna and wait for Natalie to put the cheese on.

  “That’s great. I’m glad they can get past all that nonsense,” she says putting the bottle back to her lips and taking a long pull.

  “I’m not happy about Jesse being here. But as long as he doesn’t start any shit, I’ll deal,” Darius says gruffly.

  “Daddy, you owe a dollar,” Natalie points out, not taking her eyes off her task.

  “Sorry, baby,” Darius responds with a serious expression. He takes his wallet out, then puts a dollar in the jar on the counter. “You don’t think Wyatt or Ian will start anything, do you?” Darius asks, looking at Charlie.

  She looks up like she’s thinking for a long minute, then shrugs. “I honestly don’t know. Ian has surprised me quite a bit since I got back. He’s understandably upset. I can’t say that I blame him…I just didn’t realize he felt so strongly about us.”

  “I didn’t either. But you’re doing what’s best for you, Charlie. You can’t let yourself feel guilty for that. You’re like a whole new person since you got back. I’m really digging this new you,” I tell her with a wink. She rolls her eyes while continuing to drink her beer. “Let’s just all hope there aren’t any fights tonight,” I say with a sigh, then place the lasagna in the oven.

  Charlie

  The atmosphere in the house is warm. Natalie adds a sense of peace to the house. I don’t mean calm, because it’s anything but calm in here. For example Skylar and Natalie are playing a very important game of hide and seek. Katie came over a few minutes ago to give Skylar some notes from school and was quickly enamored with the little girl of the house. It didn’t take much time for Natalie to convince Katie to stay and play with her. I like Katie. She has an inviting personality you can’t help but love. I know Skylar is still seeing Olivia. It’s not that I don’t like Olivia anymore but after I found out she was Julian’s ex-girlfriend I started having an uneasy feeling about her. Julian never really told me a lot about her other than that he caught her cheating a few times. I don’t want that for Sky. He’s such a good, kindhearted guy. I’d hate to see him jaded by a broken heart. Not to mention her behavior around Ian. All of it just seems off.

  “Earth to Charlie!” Riley says, standing next to me.

  “Huh…oh sorry, Riley. What did you say?”

  “Come on, let’s go out to the back. Miles and Darius have a roaring fire going in the pit.” I nod, then follow her out to the backyard but not before pointing Skylar’s hiding place out to Natalie.

  The air outside is chilly and damp. October in Oregon is cold and wet but still has the potential for beautiful sunny days to offset the gloom. We walk over to the end of the brick patio to where there’s a fire roaring in our big grated fire pit. Riley and I are alone outside except for Deputy, who has stuck close to me since I got back from Scotland.

  “I wanted to ask how you were doing. I know things with Ian didn’t go as smoothly as you liked. But I saw you with Wyatt outside, Charlie. Why the hesitation with him?” I should’ve known Riley would pick up on everything. She’s perceptive on a good day but when it comes to someone she loves, she’s like a lioness with her cubs. “I feel like I haven’t been a very good friend to you.” I turn to face her, surprised by her comment. “After the blowup, before everything fell to shit, I guess I’ve been afraid to ask. Well I mean, not to get too serious about it, but I worry. I want to know the honest truth.”

  “Well…there are days I think I’m almost back to normal but then everything comes rushing back. It’s kind of like floating in the ocean. You think you’re almost to a point you can put your feet down and get out of the water but just as your toe is about to touch the sand, the current pulls you back out.”

  “And…”

  “And what?”

  “Charlie, you’ve never really talked to me about what happened.”

  “You know what happened, Riley,” I say sounding a little put off. “I don’t want to describe everything that happened to me in that room because I don’t want you having that kind of shit in your head. It was a nightmare of epic proportions. There are things that happened in there that I may never recover from. I don’t want to talk about it with you or anyone else for that matter because it takes a lid off of it all. I fight daily to keep that shit locked away. It’s not that I don’t trust you or love you and want to share everything with you. Sometimes things are just too difficult to talk about.”

  Riley nods her head, then turns to face the fire. “And what about what happened with Wyatt? Why are you not draping yourself across him? I know you love him. If you love him like I love Miles, and I know you do, you wouldn’t be able to stay away from him the way you do. I just don’t get it.” She sounds frustrated. I don’t blame her. I’m frustrated too.

  “Can I be honest with you?” I know I can, but I need this from her. She turns back to face me, then nods. “It’s hard. My body and my heart yearn for him
. I know that sounds so cheesy but it’s true. Today in the front yard my fingers were aching with the need to touch him. I need him in a way I can’t describe. When he’s around I find it hard to breathe unless I’m close enough to touch him. But I’m so afraid, Riley. I’m so afraid of getting hurt again. When I was with Ian, he was safe. I tried to convince myself I could have real feelings for him one day but I didn’t and I knew it all along. Wyatt has the ability to destroy me in a way Ian never could. What if I allow myself the chance to have him again and he leaves or finds someone better? Around anyone else my scars don’t really bother me. But with him…I don’t look like I used to.”

  “I understand what you’re saying. I knew all along why you were with Ian. He’s a sweet, gorgeous guy. But you never looked at him the way you looked at Wyatt. However that last part about Wyatt not wanting you because of your scars is horseshit and you know it.” I start to protest but she cuts me off. “Listen, he loves you, Charlie. I agree he’s done some really fucked-up shit but we all make mistakes. May I remind you the two of you were together in Scotland? Did he give you any indication he was repulsed in any way by your scars?” I shake my head. “That’s what I thought. And not to pour salt on the wound, but you hurt him, too. You pushed him away all those months ago. I’ve talked to Miles a lot about Wyatt. He’s really trying to do the right thing. He knows how badly he messed up. But you can’t truly give this a chance if you’re holding back. Think about that when you deny your heart what it really wants.” My eyes start to tear up so I wrap her in a big embrace. I needed my best friend. I needed her honesty.

  “I need him too much, Riley,” I say fervently.

  Natalie’s boisterous voice breaks our tender moment. “Auntie Leelee, will you sing to me? Pweese!”

  “Anything, sweetie,” I tell her as Riley takes my hand and leads me back into the warm dry house that smells like good food and great people.

  Wyatt

  Jesse and I are on our way back to Charlie’s house for dinner. I didn’t mention the invitation extended to me during my far too brief conversation with Charlie. I hope she’s ok with us being there. I thought about how I was going to act around her when I saw her. I tried to keep my hands to myself but the impulse to touch her is so strong. It’s like my skin missed hers. Jesse shakes my shoulder softly.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Geez, man, where did you go?”

  “I was just thinking, sorry.”

  “About Charlie?” I nod. “So who was the blond guy? Is that Ian?” I nod again. “So are they still together?”

  “I don’t think so,” I say, turning my head to look at him.

  “Huh…”

  “What?”

  “Nothing it’s just he kind of manhandled her into her room, then they were shouting at each other. I thought Darius and Scott were going to lose their shit.”

  Fury starts to build at his words. “What do you mean he manhandled her?” If he hurt her, I swear to God…I don’t care if he’s a police detective, no one hurts Charlie.

  “Nothing too bad. But he was kind of rough. Like practically dragged her into her room. I didn’t even get a chance to say hi to her,” he says, clearly not aware of my anger building.

  I attempt to change the subject before I explode. “How are you? I’m sure seeing Scott was difficult.” During one of our long conversations Jesse confessed that he really did have feelings for Scott. He was blinded by the lust he felt for Charlie and ended up hurting Scott badly.

  “It was worse than I thought. You could’ve told me about him and Darius.”

  “I’m sorry, Jesse. I should’ve but I just didn’t think about it.”

  “They seem to be really happy together. And Darius’s little girl loves Scott. It’s hard to watch actually.” He looks down at his fingers in the dark. I’m sure it’s difficult for him knowing he could have had someone like Scott but threw it away. I know exactly how that feels.

  “You’ll find someone, Jess. Of that I’m sure.” He smiles over at me but it’s a pained look.

  When we walk up to the door at Charlie’s house I can hear the ruckus from here. Everyone seems to be laughing and having a good time. I pray our presence doesn’t disturb them. Scott opens the door after we knock. He eyes Jesse for a moment before smiling and letting us in. I see Miles chasing Riley into the kitchen and Skylar with a pretty little redhead on the couch watching something. When I make my way further in, I see what they’re watching. Charlie is sitting at a piano singing to Natalie. It’s hard to hear but I can still make out the faint sound of her voice. It melts me. Thoughts of Ian are pushed aside for now. I greet everyone in the house. Jesse makes an attempt at peace with Darius but Scott is still avoiding him.

  “Wyatt, I’m glad you’re back,” Charlie says, appearing in front of me. “I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier.”

  “That’s not necessary. I understand how difficult this must be for you. It’s hard for us both,” I tell her softly. That urge to touch her is almost overwhelming with her standing in front of me looking so vulnerable.

  “Maybe we can talk later?”

  “Absolutely. But I can’t stay late. I have a meeting in the morning.” She nods, not questioning me.

  Charlie

  Dinner was delicious. Riley can make one mean lasagna. Skylar and Scott were being their usual silly selves, making everyone at the table laugh. Skylar ended up putting five dollars in the curse jar. Natalie has keen ears when it comes to getting dollars in her jar. The atmosphere is relaxed until Jesse speaks up. I knew this conversation was coming but was hoping it wouldn’t.

  “So Darius, I had no idea that you were…”

  “Jesse!” Wyatt admonishes.

  “It’s ok, Wyatt, let him finish. Didn’t know I was gay?” Darius says confidently.

  “Well that, yes, but I didn’t know you were a bottom?” Jesse says bluntly. Miles chokes on his beer and Scott looks murderous.

  “Excuse me?” Darius booms. Riley stands, taking Natalie out of the room. This isn’t something she needs to hear.

  “What’s a bottom?” Skylar asks innocently. I shake my head at him.

  “It’s exactly what it sound like Sky,” Scott says softly.

  “Scott’s a power top. I just didn’t see you as the type,” Jesse says and that’s when I notice his glassy eyes. Oh shit…he’s drunk.

  “Jesus, Jesse. What the fuck?” Wyatt says, standing, preparing to drag him out of the room. I look over to see Darius staring at Scott. Scott has his head down, staring at the food left on his plate. Wyatt tells Miles to call a cab for Jesse, then drags him out of the house.

  “Darius,” I say tentatively.

  “Is that true?” Darius says sounding wounded. Scott just nods. Darius looks stricken. I’m a little confused as to what is going on. “So that first time…”

  Scott turns to him then, his eyes shining with tears. “Darius, I wanted you to. Because it was you.”

  “But I…” Darius swallows hard. I look over at Skylar and Katie. Skylar looks worried but Katie looks sympathetic. Darius opens his mouth but then shuts it, gets up and walks out of the house. Scott stares after him for a long minute before getting up to go find Natalie. This is not how I saw this going. I remember when Scott and Darius hooked up for the first time, Darius kind of ignored him afterward, then said it was a mistake. I can see why he’s so upset with himself now. If Scott was only ever a top but allowed himself the vulnerability to bottom for Darius, his indifference would be devastating for Scott.

  Wyatt

  “Dammit, Jesse!” I shout at him once I get him outside. “What the hell are you trying to do?”

  “I don’t know! I was watching them sitting there like a little family and got jealous. I don’t know why I said it like that. Yes I was curious but…” He starts to tear up.

  “Don’t start crying, Jesse. You go back to the hotel and sleep it off. I will try to fix this. But so help me, Jesse, if you shoot your fucking mouth off agai
n I’m putting my fist in it!” As I finish shouting at him Miles walks out.

  “Do you want to explain to me what the fuck is going on with you?” he asks agitated.

  “Jesse’s drunk and a little jealous.” I see the front door open again and Darius comes rushing out. His face is pale and he looks like he’s going to be sick. Jesse tries to hide behind me but I know if Darius wants a piece of him, I can’t stop it from happening. Darius is a big, trained man. But luckily for us tonight Darius just turns to walk down the street.

  “Jealous?” Miles says coldly. He doesn’t need to yell, he can convey his anger just fine with his eyes and the way he holds his body.

  “Calm down, Miles.” I put my palm against his chest, hoping to calm him down.

  “Listen Jesse, You’ve already caused problems like this before. Either get your shit together or leave. I’m not having this shit around Riley. She has enough to deal with. Got it?” he barks.

  Jesse nods his head as the cab pulls up. I tell the driver where to take him, then put a few bills in Jesse’s hand. I debate for a minute whether I should go too but decide just being in the same room with Charlie is better than being in my hotel room alone.

  After getting Jesse off, Miles and I wait for Darius. We can see him walking back to the house now. I’m not sure what to say to him. I know what Jesse said was inappropriate but I’m not sure what happened after I left. When he walks up he has a bleak expression on his face. We don’t say anything at first, just wait for him to make the first move.

  “I could have lost him for good by what I did to him,” he says, sounding wounded. Apparently our confused expressions clue Darius in on the fact their neither Miles or I know what the hell is going on right now. “That first time…when Charlie walked in on us. I had no idea that…” he stops, not knowing what to say or how to explain.