Beautifully Broken

by Bailey B

  “There’s at least a hundred in the chat and I don’t know how many comments.” He shakes his head in disgust. “So much for your reputation being bullshit, Piper.”

  There it is. My reputation, the one I’m trying hard as hell to get rid of has bitten me in the ass once again. Cooper knows the truth about what I did and didn’t do this year. Through it all, he’s stood by my side, never batting an eye at the rumors. Now, it looks like he’s second guessing everything that’s ever been said about me. Cooper puts the phone to sleep and shoves it back in his pocket. “What were you thinking?”

  That I needed to make the memories go away. That for one stupid night in my life I wanted to feel normal and have a little fun. “I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t. What does it matter? Girls get drunk and hook up all the time.”

  Cooper’s brows furrow. “So you hooked up with Tad?”

  The disappointment etched on his face burns a hole in me. Even though I didn’t do anything wrong, I feel guilty. Dirty. “No. Of course not. I’m just saying me having a good time isn’t a big deal.”

  “That’s bullshit, Piper, and you know it.” Cooper pauses, chewing on the inside of his cheek, mulling over his words. He’s right, it’s a huge deal. A step in my long-awaited recovery. A moment Cooper’s probably upset he missed. “This was at Rex’s house wasn’t it?”

  I groan. Somehow, I knew this would circle back to Rex. For reasons I can’t fathom, Cooper’s hated the guy since he moved here back in January. Although, because of how nice Cooper is to everyone, you’d never know. Not until he let you in enough to show his true colors. “Does that even matter?”

  “I knew it was just a matter of time until Rex sucked you in. This whole nice guy thing that he’s got going on, it’s just an act. A fucking act that you’re stupid enough to fall for like every other girl in the school. At least they aren’t changing themselves to get his attention.”

  “Really?” That’s the angle he’s working? “That I’m different? Sorry to rock your world there, Coop, but I don’t have to be moody and pissed off all the time. I’m eighteen years old! I can laugh and have fun every once in a blue moon! But I forgot, I can only be happy when you’re around.”

  “Your partying and letting people touch you.” Cooper’s voice echoes in the small space. He’s not yelling, not yet, but as tensions rise between us, I can feel it coming. We’ve never fought before. It’s like riding a bike for the first time knowing your going to fall. My adrenaline’s pumping. It’s only a matter of time until I lose control and hit the pavement, so to speak.

  “Maybe I’m getting better.” I say my voice growing to match his. I’m trying my hardest to stay strong, but I’m struggling. I want to scream and cry at the same time. I need to focus on my frustration towards Cooper if I’m going to make it through this. If not, I’ll be a mess of tears before it’s over. “Did you ever think of that?”

  “No, Piper, I didn’t. You don’t just magically get better over the weekend. That’s not how your shit works.”

  “Really? My shit.” I cross my arms, tears morphing into fire. How dare he. Cooper doesn’t have the faintest clue about what I cope with on a daily basis. If he did, he’d try harder to understand my boundary issues, not push me damn near my breaking point, forcing me to hug him every fucking day. “What exactly is my shit, Cooper?”

  He groans and rubs the back of his head. “I don’t know. Depression?”

  I snort. “I’m not depressed.”

  This summer, yeah, I absofuckinglutely was. The only good thing about depression is eventually you go numb and nothing matters anymore. I found that stage in August. After the overdose and the blood, when I realized the Harris family wasn’t gonna let me die. I needed to numb the pain to make things better for them.

  But I feel again. Every time Rex touches me, I’m brought back to life. Is it wrong to rely on someone else to help me get better? Yes, but accepting help even when it’s unwanted and unexpected is better than wallowing. Mrs. Cherrybroom said that sooner or later, it would happen. Something would change, propelling me into recovery. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that something would be Rex, but I’m grateful for him. Even if I don’t know exactly what we are.

  “Then why did you try to kill yourself? The only reason I could come up with was because I shot you down at the party last summer.”

  My jaw drops. He can’t possibly be that narcissistic. Cooper’s always been full of himself. His ego is bigger than the moon, but he downplays it in public. And girls flock to him. Eating up the sweet boy-next-door persona he puts off. “Seriously? You think that was about you?”

  “What else am I supposed to think? You kiss me. I have a minor freak out and then two weeks later I find you in a puddle of blood in my bathtub.”

  “Jesus Christ, Cooper. I’m not getting into this with you.” Tears pool behind my lashes. I’m trying my hardest to hold them back but it’s a losing battle. This is too much. I close my eyes and try to slow my breathing. Steady my thoughts, but it all comes back.

  Gerald takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger and forces me to look at him. “You will watch. You will scream. And you will remember that I own you.”

  He unzips himself and fumbles with the button on his jeans. I’ve pulled so much, the knot around my wrists finally loosens. This is my chance. A split second is all I have to try and get away, and I’m gonna take it. I yank my right arm as hard as I can and my wrists slip from between the fabric around them.

  Gerald doesn’t notice, his mind’s too fucked up, too focused on the button that won’t let go of his pants.

  I reach for my bedside table. Somewhere there’s a pair of scissors beside my journal. I stretch, trying to be as discreet as possible.

  Just a little closer…

  Gerald’s button gives. He pulls himself out of his pants, his eyes back on me. “What do you think you’re doing.”

  I panic and grab the only thing I can reach. A ball-point pen. With every bit of strength I have I stab him in the neck. My screams are muffled by sobs as I pull the pen out and stab him again. And again. Over and over again until we’re both covered in blood.

  Gerald falls onto me, groaning. I push his limp, but not lifeless body on the floor and run. I don’t think about the blood on my hands or the fact that my shirt is ripped open, exposing my breasts. And I don’t think about where I’m going until my hand beats against the cherry wood door, staining it with fist-prints.

  Bane cracks the door open, the end of a pistol greeting me. I should have expected it. In this neighborhood, anyone beating on your door at three in the morning is asking for trouble. I don’t flinch, or cry, or scream.

  I’m numb. Shaking from the fleeting adrenaline.

  Bane pulls the door open and tugs me inside, slamming it shut behind him. His eyes trail over my body, worry etched on his face. “Jesus, Piper.”

  He leaves me in the entryway. I don't know how long he’s gone. A minute? An hour? A day? Time is stuck, forcing me to stay in the room I just escaped from. Gerald’s voice plays in my mind on a loop. I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to chase the sounds away but am met with his face.

  A hand touches my arm. I open my eyes, yanking the trembling limb from Bane’s grasp. “It’s okay,” he assures. “You’re safe now.”

  I suck in a staggering breath and open my eyes. Salty, wet, pain runs down my cheeks. I turn to leave, but Cooper grabs my arm. As if having the worst day of my life flood my conscious thoughts wasn’t enough, my body chooses this moment to remember what a panic attack is. My heart hammers in my chest.

  One Mississippi.

  “Yes, you are.” Cooper reels.

  I am what? I barely remember what we’re talking about. My brain’s lost in a fog of memories and pain.

  “You’ve shut me out for almost a year,” Cooper continues, “and now you’re acting out. I don’t want to find you dead somewhere because I almost missed the signs again.”

  Two Mississippi.


  I snatch my arm out of his hand and take three breaths. One to steady my heart. One to clear my head. And one to try and control the fire simmering inside me. Using the calmest, most monotone voice I can muster, I say, “There are no signs Cooper. I’m fine.”

  “You’re far from fine. You had another panic attack just now because I touched you. I can’t even hug you anymore without your body freaking out, but Rex can.” There’s pain in his eyes. I almost feel bad, but he’s forcing me to talk about things he’s not ready to deal with. “Why is that?”

  “You want to know why Cooper?” That’s it. He’s pushed me to the edge. I shouldn’t lay it all on the line, I’m too emotional but I don’t care anymore. Everything was bound to come out sooner or later. Might as well be today. “Because you’re a before. Me wanting to die had nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with how Gerald broke into my room the night of that party, after I stumbled home with a bruised ego, and how he forced himself me.”

  “Fuck, Piper. I...” Cooper looks around, as if the words he’s searching for will magically appear on the walls. “Did he...you know?”

  “Rape me?” My voice breaks, barely able to utter the words.

  The two-minute-warning bell rings. “Maybe we should have this conversation at home. With mom,” Cooper says, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation.

  “You backed yourself into this corner, Coop.” My adrenaline’s running rampant. I’m angry and upset all at once. A lethal combination. “No, I wasn’t raped.”

  Cooper lets out a sigh of relief. “Oh thank God. I mean—”

  I don’t let him finish. There’s no relief in what happened to me. No it could have been worse. In either situation, what could have happened and what did happen, I die on the inside. The tiny bit of fire I had left in me to survive was snuffed out the moment Gerald’s hands touched me. “I stabbed him in the neck and ran away before he got the chance.”

  Cooper stares, eyes wide. He’s finally seeing me for what I am. A monster. I snort-laugh through my tears. “I stabbed him until he’d lost too much blood to fight back and then I pushed Gerald’s heavy body off me and ran to Bane’s.”

  Cooper takes a step back, literally backing himself into a corner. “Gerald McCarron? Bane’s dad?”

  I nod, dead inside again. What little spark of life that had been ignited is gone. I don’t know why I’m still crying. I’m not upset about what I did, or even what happened anymore. This is my life.

  Cooper looks at me like I’m a rabid beast. Afraid to get close. “Did Bane hurt you too?”

  “Fuck you for even suggesting that. He saved me. I know you hate Bane, Cooper, but without him that night I’d probably be dead.”

  Cooper’s legs give out, unable to handle anymore. He slides down the wall, his body slouching when it hits the floor. “Fucking hell, Piper. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I crouch down to Cooper’s level and look him dead in the eye. He needs to understand that I’m in a shit hole so deep no one can dig me out of it. “Because if Gerald and his gang found out you knew what happened, they could come for you too.”

  Fear dances across his face. “What are you talking about?”

  Someone knocks.

  No one knocks on a stairwell door. I already know who’s coming before the door creeps open. I stand and take a step back.

  Rex peeks his head in, “Piper we should—” his words cut off. Probably because I look like a dying racoon with mascara running down my cheeks. He steps in and closes the door, then pulls me into his chest, arms protectively wrapping around me. “You okay?”

  The tension in my lungs fades almost instantly. I close my eyes and bury my face in his shirt. Somehow, even when I’m at my darkest, Rex makes me feel again. I know I should hold on to the emptiness, it’ll make leaving that much easier but I can’t. Being in his arms is like curling up with a good book and a cozy blanket on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Pure perfection.

  I nod.

  “This!” Cooper bellows in frustration. He stands and waves a hand in Rex’s direction. “Why is it that he can do this and I can’t? Goddamn it, I should be the one comforting you. I’m your best friend. I fucking love you, Piper!”

  I wipe my nose on the back of my hand. “Because every time I look at you, at anyone from this school, memories of that night come flooding back. The good and the bad. You’re a before. The only reason I think I’m okay with Rex is because he’s an after.”

  17

  Rex

  Cooper storms past us, pushing the door behind me open with such force it slams against the wall and echoes in the stairwell. I feel bad for the guy. It’s obvious he likes her. Hell, with everything they’ve been through, he probably loves her as more than a friend too.

  Cooper doubles back and glares at me. He’s a big boy, nearly as tall as me and built like a brick shit house, but if need be, I could take him. “Swear to God, Rex. If you hurt her, I’ll kill you.”

  I ignore his comment and look down at Piper. “You okay?”

  She lets out a sound that’s a mix between a laugh and a cry. “Not even close.”

  I expected as much. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on her conversation, but it was hard not to hear. I get it now, why Piper hates to sleep. Closing her eyes, reliving the worst day of her life, I can’t begin to imagine the pain she deals with on a daily basis. “Want to get lunch?”

  “It’s 10:45.”

  “Yeah, and lunch is next period. We’re just getting a jump on it.”

  “Sure,” Piper agrees, but there’s no happiness in her tone. She’s a shell of the person I had last night, but it’s okay. Everything will be alright because I’ll breathe life into her again. Now more than ever I feel like I was brought here to save her. I hold my hand out, but Piper crosses her arms, hugging herself.

  “So I’m an after ?” I say as we walk down the hallway, not giving two shits if a teacher sees us ditching. “Want to talk about it.”

  “No.”

  Outside, the senior lot’s not gated. I guess administration doesn’t care enough to stop kids who skip or there’s too many goody-two-shoes who don’t. “Want to drive?” I ask nearing my Range Rover.

  Piper perks up a little. “Really?”

  I toss her my wireless key fob. She catches it with one hand and stares at it like it’s magic. “Sure. Why not? I’ve got insurance. You’ve got a license, right?”

  Her face falls. “No.”

  I’m not surprised. A mom who lets her daughter almost be raped doesn’t sound like the kind of person to take Piper to the DMV. “No biggie. Just don’t get pulled over.”

  Piper pushes the start button on the key fob and grins when the engine roars to life. The car automatically unlocks and we get in. She spends a solid minute adjusting the seat and mirrors then says, “Where to?”

  “You’re the captain. Whatever you want I’m buying.”

  “Good, because I’m broke,” Piper says putting the car in reverse. “This isn’t a stick, right?”

  “No. Why?”

  “I have no clue how to drive one. I’d totally fuck up your transmission.”

  Piper

  We skip the rest of the day. Somehow time always flies away from me when I’m with Rex. We don’t even do much of anything, just eat Subway then drive around. I make it back to school by the skin of my teeth for my final. Now, two and a half hours later, I’ve got to catch a bus to the beachside so I don’t miss all of my shift tonight. Although, I wouldn’t mind skipping it to avoid Cooper.

  I walk out the main entrance of the school and don’t bother to fight the grin that takes over. Rex is parked in the parent-pick-up circle, waiting for me. He leans against the shiny black paint of his Range Rover looking like he just popped out of a magazine advertisement. “Thought you might need a ride.”

  He opens the passenger door for me and I climb in. The car’s already running, air on, ready to go. “What? I don’t get to drive this time?”

  Rex shakes his head
, chuckling. My door shuts and he runs around to get in on his side. He shifts into drive and pulls out of school. “No. You’re great and all, but you’re a terrible driver.”

  “I’m not that bad.”

  “You almost took out a stop sign,” he says, amusement dancing in his tone.

  I roll my eyes, feigning a smile. “That was one time, and it came out of nowhere.”

  “One time is all it takes, Babe.” The blinker clicks as he turns onto Highway-one. “How late do you work tonight?”

  “We close at nine but clean up takes about an hour.”

  “Is it cool if I come back and get you around nine-thirty? I can wait outside until you’re done.”

  I try to hide my surprise. Rex must not have heard my conversation. If he had he wouldn’t want to be alone with me again. Hell, majority of the time I don’t want to be alone with me. “Why would you do that?”

  “We were gonna watch Aladdin tonight. Remember?”

  “But tonight’s a school night.” My rebuttal is weak, but it’s the only excuse I can come up with. I love hanging out, which is all the more reason I should stop. If things keep going the way they are, I’m going to have a hard time leaving in a few weeks.

  Rex rolls his eyes. “So was last night, and the night before. I promise we won’t be late tomorrow.”

  “I should go home tonight. Mamma T will start to worry.”

  Rex pulls into the front parking space at the Red Onion. It’s 4:55. We made it to the diner with five minutes to spare before my shift. “Okay, I understand. See you tomorrow?”

  “Definitely.” I unclick my seatbelt. “Thanks for the ride, Rex.”

  “Anytime, Babe. It’s what I’m here for.” That’s the second time Rex has called me Babe. I kind of like it. I lean over and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. He threads his fingers through my hair, bringing my lips to his faster than I can pull away, although I’m not complaining. His tongue slides into my mouth, dancing with mine just long enough to make me want more. Rex pulls back and tips his forehead to mine. “Just a reminder of what you’re missing out on tonight.”