TWICE UPON A TIME

by Jennifer Wagner

  "Don't torture yourself! Nothing happened to them. They're safe, and I don't think they'll try climbing over the fence again."

  Lina kissed her cheek. "I love you, Anna." She paused. "I've made so many mistakes with my life, and to endanger my grandchildren just to answer the phone—"

  "First of all," Anna interrupted, "I've already decided to keep my bedroom cordless with me when I'm in the office, and I'm going to get another one for the kitchen." She smiled. "I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before now, especially with all the time we spend outdoors."

  Some of the tension eased from the older woman's face, but Anna knew something still bothered her.

  "What is it? What's wrong?"

  Bustling around the kitchen, Lina avoided her gaze. "I keep thinking about Rico."

  Anna felt her face freeze and forced herself to relax the muscles. "What about him?"

  "Oh, I know you say you understand and forgive me for lying to him, for breaking the two of you up, but I'll never, never forgive myself," her voice cracking. "If I hadn't lied to him, maybe he would have come home instead of reenlisting and joining that group of trained killers. I only meant for him to think you'd been going out on a few innocent dates. I wanted him to see how young you both were, not that you'd—" She gestured with one hand, clearly too embarrassed to say "slept around" as Rico had assumed.

  "If I had only sent your letter or known about your pregnancy, maybe he'd be here right now, loving and taking care of you and his children!"

  Anna sighed and rubbed her temples, not wanting to discuss the past again, but knowing Lina's troubled heart needed easing. "More ifs and maybes, Lina. He chose not to believe me, he made the choice to join the platoon. You did what you thought was right for your son. I understand you wanted to protect him and get him out of poverty. I'm not saying you were right," she said quickly, "but your motives were."

  Anna pulled out a wooden chair for Lina and sank into the one across from it. "If you hadn't lied to Rico, then he could still be dead," she said intensely. "He could have followed the same path Rafael did years ago and died just the same." She saw her flinch and explained, "Rico wanted to succeed in life, Lina. And, yes, he was willing to work for it, unlike Rafael, who wanted it the easy way. But poverty and violence work on people's minds in funny ways." She stared into the flower centerpiece, seeing her past clearly. "You either grow stronger or weaker from it. Rico grew stronger, joining the army to get out and learn the skills he'd need to support himself and the family he wanted. But Rafael grew weaker, dealing drugs because of the immediate and high profits. What he hadn't counted on were the risks Rico constantly warned him of."

  Anna shrugged, wrung out from the day and from rehashing the past. "Maybe Rico would have chosen the same path, although I doubt it. Maybe he would have gotten caught in gang gunfire or hit by a car or fallen in the shower." She took Lina's hands in her own. "All maybes. We'll never know. But you have to learn from it and let it go."

  Tears rolled down Lina's cheeks. "I don't deserve you," she whispered, pressing a finger against Anna's lips to stop the denial.

  The women smiled, one young and insightful, the other older and uncertain, both bound by loss.

  Anna squeezed her hand. "Why don't I give the twins their bath and settle them down, then you and I can watch a movie?"

  "Bueno. I'll make popcorn."

  "Yum," she said with a wicked grin, then called her kids. "Rebecca, Rafe, put your toys away. It's bath time."

  A mad scramble of sounds floated from the den, and two little dynamos ran into the kitchen. Anna took them upstairs and, while they played in the bubbles, she talked to them about how badly they'd scared their grandma. When they padded down to say good-night to Lina, she heard them apologize and give loud kisses.

  Finally they trudged up to their room, and she read them a story as they settled into their beds. When it was finished, she bent and kissed each of them, tucking their light summer blankets over them.

  "Mom," Rafe said, "Yuv you."

  "I love you, too, munchkin," she replied, stressing the l.

  Rafe smiled impishly. "L-l-l-love you." When he concentrated, he caught most of the ls, but still slipped sometimes.

  When she shut the light off, hundreds of glowing green stars and moons came to life, blanketing the walls. She'd arranged clusters of the stars in constellations, even created the twins' birth sign, Pisces. Two big fish swam in a large circle, representing the pulls and pushes of life.

  After the movie Anna tried to sleep. Even though she was exhausted, thoughts of Rico crowded her mind, refusing to give her rest. Eventually she climbed out of her four-poster bed, grabbed a shoe box out of the back of her closet and sat in her window seat overlooking the lake. Lifting the lid, she was assailed by memories. The scent of her first present from Rico, a bottle of perfume she'd wanted but couldn't afford, wafted into her room. She'd put it in the box, unable to wear it and wrap herself in the past every day but unable to throw it away.

  Carefully leafing through the pile of letters, cards and other mementos, she didn't read them, just looked at Rico's familiar handwriting. And underneath them all were the pictures.

  One was taken at a small boardwalk booth and showed four small shots of them crammed in, smiling, laughing and kissing. An ache filled her heart as she traced his beloved features in the next photo, a shot of just his face: laughing golden eyes, surrounded by thick, dark lashes; his Spanish/ Italian heritage evident in his dark skin tone, strong nose and thick, black eyebrows. His black hair was buzzed, its length no more than an inch, and his smile revealed a chipped front tooth from a street brawl. But it was the gentleness in it that Anna hugged to her heart. The big dimples he'd handed down to his children were there, giving his face a boyish appearance.

  He'd worked out constantly, at first to protect himself and Rafael and later, her. His presence alone would cause many troublemakers to back down, his six-foot, four-inch linebacker build enough to convince others not to start a fight.

  She chuckled at the next picture of them standing side by side, her petite frame making them look like Mutt and Jeff. He always made her feel so secure in his arms, safe from her alcoholic mother, safe from the poverty and crime-ridden streets where they lived. She'd loved him from the first time she saw him, ten years ago at the tender age of sixteen when she and her mother had moved in next door. He was twenty-two, tough and gruff, not wanting a young girl following him around. But they'd been drawn to each other and had become unlikely friends. She the young girl, he large and mean, softening only with his mother, brother and her.

  The last picture was the day he joined the army, a week after her eighteenth birthday. He'd buried his brother two weeks before and told her that joining was an opportunity for him to get college money and see the world. She remembered trying to be nonchalant and grown-up, but failing miserably and crying. All she could think of was that someone else she loved was leaving her. He'd hugged her and she finally blurted out her feelings. He'd grabbed her, roughly tender, and kissed her breathless. For the four years he was enlisted, they exchanged letters and phone calls and were inseparable during his rare weekend visits and his two-week leaves.

  Sadness clogged her throat, and she leaned her head against the window, staring unseeingly into the dark night. She'd been so happy then, working while finishing up at the community college on scholarship, studying her art and planning for the time she'd become Rico's wife. On his last visit home before being discharged, she'd waited for him by her living room window, her mom already passed out upstairs. Rico had taken his mom to dinner, and she anxiously waited to see him again, wanting to touch him, feel his body against hers. They'd made love for the first time two months before, on his last visit home. They'd wanted to wait to be married, his mother's Catholic influence and their environment persuading them not to risk pregnancy. But the passion and urgency had been too hard to fight, and the risk seemed small. After all, if the protection didn't work, they'd be getting mar
ried, anyway, as soon as they could get the license.

  A harsh laugh escaped her. How stupid she'd been! How in love. She threw the box onto the floor and sat up, resting her head onto her raised knee. The position made it easy for her to see Rico's picture lying on the floor where it had fallen. Oh, Rico, why? Why couldn't you have just believed in me? Again hearing Lina's words, "I never meant for him to think it was more than a few innocent dates." She wondered which had hurt more – that he hadn't trusted her or that he believed her capable of something so horrible. He knew her! He knew how important honesty was to her.

  Anna remembered his tight face when he'd gotten out of the car, Lina glancing her way as she disappeared inside. The fight that followed was explosive.

  "My mother told me, Annabella! She told me about the other guys!" He paced her small TV room in four heavy strides.

  "Rico, it's—"

  "I never thought you'd cheat on me, Bella. Never. Dammit, I trusted you!"

  "Rico, listen to me! I love you!" Her heart breaking, she tried to reach the cold stranger whose fists repeatedly clenched, arms lifting jerkily then falling as if unsure whether or not to hit the wall. "I don't even talk to other guys. How could you think this?"

  "Are you calling my mom a liar?"

  Her mind raced with confusion at the thought of his mother, whom she loved as her own, telling him such lies. "I don't know. I just know the truth. I have never, ever cheated on you. You've got to believe me!"

  He stood rigidly, his back to her. He can't even look at me, she thought, pain lancing through her. "Rico, I love you," she stressed, sincerity ringing in her words.

  "You love me? How well did you love the others, Bella? How well did I teach you?" he drawled silkily. His endearment of her name became something dirty, and he sounded exactly like the young boys who used Rico's absence to yell explicit suggestions at her.

  Anna shook her head fiercely to dislodge the past. She fled downstairs and outside, gulping in cool, clean air. Gripping the wooden porch rail, she fought to put the memories back behind the locked door of her mind where they belonged. She rarely allowed herself to remember, knowing it wouldn't erase the bitterness from her heart, wouldn't help her raise her kids if she was an emotional wreck.

  Under control again, she fell into a porch chair, staring at the moonlit lake and listening to the crickets' nighttime symphony. Tilting her head back, she studied the sky, its stars royally displayed on a cobalt backdrop.

  Was Gage looking at the stars? As quickly as the thought popped into her head, she denied wanting to know the answer. She admitted after silent seconds that he was the reason she'd put herself through the walk down memory lane. His effect on her bothered her in ways she didn't want to examine, his touch alone calling up an immediate heated response, a reaction she didn't realize her body could still have.

  Her best bet was to avoid him. After all, her response could have been an extension of her scare with the twins. Yes, that was it. Her emotions were already charged, and she reacted like any artist would to such a beautiful sight.

  Relieved, she walked back inside, shutting and locking the sliding glass door. But it was a long time before she fell asleep.

  * * *

  Dawn exploded the next morning, staining the dark sky in streaks as red as blood. Rico leaned his forearms against the porch railing, carefully cradling a mug of steaming coffee in his towel-protected hands as he enjoyed the cool, woodsy air. Absolute tranquility sank into him, soothing a mind that had survived another endless night of broken sleep. Although the nightmares visited him less and less frequently, his shrink had warned him it could take years before they stopped completely.

  He studied Annabella's house and imagined the kids cuddled in bed. Did they have separate rooms or did they sleep in bunk beds? Did his mom still sleep with the radio on now that she no longer needed to drown out fighting neighbors and wailing sirens? Did she still take her blood pressure medicine before bed or was that under control? Did she have any other health problems? Any stemming from his "death?" Was she happy?

  He stretched up, watching the sky turn shades lighter as the sun rose. Annabella. He'd only seen her sleeping once. The night he'd rented a hotel room and they'd first made love, telling their moms they were staying with a friend of his in Orlando. She'd curled trustingly against his side, her arm across his chest, silky leg thrown over his. He'd lain awake for hours staring at her face and wondering what he'd done in his life to deserve her. She'd supported him and believe in him like no one except his mom and brother. She'd held him and cried with him over Rafael's death. She gave so much of herself, not only to him, to everyone, and he often wondered if she would run out of love, selfishly wanting every bit for himself.

  He'd never known another woman who could make him ache and laugh at the same time. Making love to her had been the most incredible experience of his life. One he'd tried to find with others. After her betrayal, he'd set out to replace Annabella as quickly as she'd replaced him.

  He hadn't been successful.

  He pushed off the railing and went into the house, up to the small room off his bedroom. He flipped switches, and machines hummed and clicked to life. Michael hadn't faxed him yet, but would soon. Checking his watch, he figured his partner had probably just gotten up, having adjusted easily to nonmilitary hours.

  Dropping into his plush black chair, Rico typed a few letters on his computer and called up files. He might have left the army with scars, but he'd also taken a vast amount of computer and security knowledge. With Michael's help he'd put it to use.

  * * *

  "You want to do what?" Anna asked, looking across the table at Rebecca.

  "I wanna bring Gage a sticker." Her daughter shoveled another mouthful of soggy Cheerios into her mouth.

  Rafe looked at his sister, his brow knitting for a moment before he smiled. "Me, too!"

  With a sigh Anna bit into her toast and looked at Lina. Just before the kids came down she'd told her about Gage's scars, and they'd speculated on their cause.

  "Honey, I'm sure Mr. Moran has enough Band-Aids in his house."

  "Not Snoopy ones!" Rebecca insisted, her face screwing up for either a tantrum or a cry.

  Rafe spooned more Cheerios into his mouth, his gaze ping-ponging back and forth between his mother and sister. "Rebecca's right," Lina said casually. "I'm sure Mr. Moran could use some Snoopy Band-Aids."

  Anna shot her a quizzical look, not sure why Lina was backing her granddaughter.

  "Okay. When you two are done and dressed, we'll take a walk over." Besides, how long could it take? The twins could give him a Band-Aid and they'd leave. She could handle five minutes in the man's company.

  "Yeah!" Rebecca shouted. They finished breakfast in record time and ran upstairs to change out of their pajamas. Anna trudged up the stairs after ten minutes to see how they were doing. What patterns would they mix today? She cringed, remembering a particular day of blue plaid and black polka dots.

  "Rafe, put this on!"

  "I am!"

  Anna peeked around the corner and watched her children trying to dress themselves and each other. The artist in her sighed in relief. They'd picked one of her favorite matching outfits. Light blue overalls were shorts on Rafe and a skirt on Rebecca. Underneath they wore white T-shirts, Rebecca's having light-blue flowers bordering the collar.

  "Well, don't you two look great!" Proud grins dimpled their faces.

  Anna leaned down, lending a hand with the tucking in of shirts and clasping of suspenders. "You guys brush your teeth? Didn't think so." She swatted bottoms. "Scoot." When they were finished, Anna brushed Rafe's honey-colored hair and French-braided Rebecca's black curls, leaving a thick rope swinging against her back. "Run downstairs and I'll be there as soon as I get dressed."

  Anna had learned early on to shower before the twins awakened, leaving only dressing and hair for afterward. She pulled on a coral bodysuit and shoved her legs into a broken-in pair of jeans, then slipped her feet in
to sandals. Usually she didn't bother with makeup, but decided today that maybe a little mascara wouldn't hurt. Not that it had anything to do with Gage, she told herself quickly as she brushed color across her cheeks. Taking hair from either side of her head, she pulled it up and secured it with a clip, letting the natural curls and waves settle around her shoulders.

  Oh, who was she kidding! She slapped her comb onto her dresser and glared at her reflection. She was trying to look good for Gage. Stop being ridiculous, Anna, the man won't notice you. He's too gorgeous and could have his pick of stunning women. Besides, she lectured reasonably, she wasn't interested in getting involved with anyone, much less someone who wouldn't want a ready-made family.

  Chanting this like a mantra, she jogged down the stairs to join her impatient little people. Rebecca grasped an entire box of Snoopy Band-Aids and Rafe cradled a plate wrapped in tin foil.

  "What's that, Rafe?"

  "Grandma's brow-knees."

  "Wow! Isn't that nice of her?" She hoped she put enough enthusiasm into her response. Could Lina's neighborly gift more than it seemed?

  "Grandma said Gage is a baffler and probably can't cook," Rebecca piped in.

  "That's bachelor, sweetie. It means he isn't married, and we don't know if he has a wife or not. Also, Mr. Moran is an adult, so you shouldn't call him by his first name. It isn't polite."

  "Lina," she called. "We're going over to Gage's."

  "All right!"

  Walking across the lane to Gage's house, Anna hoped he was awake. It was only a little past 10:00 a.m. and most people slept in on the weekends. A luxury she missed!

  Rebecca rang the doorbell, and Anna shifted on her feet, squelching the fluttery nervousness in her stomach. Breakfast didn't agree with her, she thought.

  The door swung open and Gage stood there with surprise and, it looked like, pleasure in his eyes before becoming devoid of all expression.

  "Hi," he said in that bone-melting voice. "What's all this?"

  Anna found her voice and a smile. "This is the neighborhood welcoming committee."