I swallowed through the lump in my throat. “I'm going to miss you too.”
So, so much.
You knew it was going to end this way.
But that didn't make it any easier.
After that day, I’d only tried to talk to Matt again once. When I saw him in town during the winter holidays, but he’d been out with his new wife, and in the end, I’d never managed to work up the nerve to walk up to them.
Still deep in thought, I took a sip of my coffee. “He kissed me today.”
“Who? Matt?” Griff shot me a confused look.
“Oh, did I say that out loud?” I shook my head.
“Yeah, you did!”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Well, it happened.”
Griff gave me a conspiratorial grin. “How was it?”
I sighed. “Just the way I remembered it.” Only more intense, because memories always faded after a while.
“Dude.” My brother leaned forward a bit. “I thought you were over him.”
I hid behind my coffee mug. “It’s not that easy.”
“Okay, okay. Did this kiss happen before or after you told him about Jake?”
“Before…” I furrowed my brows. “Of course it was before. And I told him off for it. We really shouldn’t be kissing.” I set the mug down. “Nothing will come of it.” After everything, I should know that.
“Yeah…” Griff leaned back again. “I guess you’re right.”
I took another sip of my coffee and then the phone rang. “I got it,” I said, getting up to answer it. “Hello?”
“Eli?” Matt’s voice greeted me on the other end. Immediately my heart rate sped up.
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“I thought a little about things.” He paused, and I swallowed.
“So what are you thinking?”
“I have to see Jake.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled. I couldn’t keep Matt from his son, and I didn’t want to, but how was I going to explain this to Jake? My mouth went dry. “I get that. I really do, but I don’t know if Jake’s ready for this.”
“I understand. I’m not going to tell him anything if you don’t think I should, not yet. But I need to see him.”
Of course he did. “Yeah. Sure. That’s fine.” It was going to be fine. Just fine. Deep breaths, Eli.
“How about we take him sledding?” Matt suggested. “I got the impression he would like that.”
“He would.” Matt had really thought about this.
“Great. Saturday?”
“Great.” And all I could do was repeat words.
“Alright. Then I’ll fetch you Saturday around noon.”
“You know where I live?” I asked.
“You’re in the telephone book. How did you think I got this number?”
“Right. Okay. See you Saturday.”
He hesitated. “…Eli?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m the one who needs to be nervous here, okay? You have nothing to worry about.”
Riiight. “Okay,” I said, although I didn’t believe it.
Just as soon as we’d ended the call, I went up the stairs to Jake’s bedroom. The door was left ajar so Fiona could go in and out as she pleased when she slept in his bed, as she often did. A bit of light fell into the room from the hallway, just enough to allow me to see my son’s sleeping form from the doorway.
Nothing to worry about. Right. Tell that to a parent.
I took a deep breath. My messed up emotional state didn’t matter here. Jake had a right to get to know his other father, and things were probably going to be fine. Probably. Did I want to hide him away from the world and everything that could hurt him? Hell yes. But that wasn’t an option. I had to share my son with Matt and hope that everything would work out for the best. It didn’t matter that being close to Matt was difficult for me. I had to be a grown-up about things.
Even if being a grown-up really sucked.
12
Matthew
Saturday turned out to be a beautiful day. The sun sat high in the blue sky and spilled her light brightly on the road ahead of us. For this special occasion, I had ditched my driver and taken the wheel myself. Mostly because I thought it was smarter not to let too many people know about me and Eli just yet. He wanted everything to stay low key for now, and if that was what he wanted, that was what he was going to get.
“Are we there yet?” Jake’s voice came from the back of the car where he was sitting with his Daddy. His other Daddy. But it would take me a while to get used to that thought.
God, I couldn’t believe that I had a son and that he was in the car with me. How was that even possible? I’d been childless just a few days ago.
“Not quite yet,” I made myself respond. “But it’s not far anymore.” In the spirit of staying low-key, I’d looked for a sledding area a ways away from the town and anyone who would know us. It meant a bit of a drive. I didn’t mind, but I hadn’t considered how much patience a seven year old would have for this.
I knew nothing about children.
No panicking, Matt.
“I’m bored,” Jake spoke up again. “There’s a hill at your house. Why didn’t we go there?”
Because introducing you to my family would have been anything but low-key.
I took a deep breath, wondering what to do and how to respond. In the end, it was Eli who saved me.
“Let’s play a game,” he said. “I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.”
I exhaled as Jake began to guess and forgot all about his original question. I had to remember that game. Maybe learn some new ones too.
After a few more minutes in the car, we finally made it to the snow-covered hill. In the light of the sun, it looked so bright I almost wished I’d thought to bring sun glasses.
“We’re here!” Jake, finally freed from the confines of the car, raced ahead. Eli went after him, and I was left getting the sled off the car. It was a wooden toboggan, large enough to fit all of us.
I caught up with Eli and Jake on top of the hill. There were a few other kids and their parents around, but no one paid us any mind. Perfect.
“This is nice,” Eli said, hands in his pockets. It was a rather cold day.
Jake, meanwhile, had climbed on the sled as soon as I’d dragged it up. “C’mon, let’s go!”
I had to laugh, because he reminded me of myself when I was a kid and I thought the world was mine for the taking. And so I climbed on the sled behind him.
“Daddy has to come too!” he insisted.
I looked at ‘Daddy’. “Well?”
He exhaled. “Alright.” Sitting behind me, he cautiously put his hands on my waist to hold on, and I realized why he’d been reluctant. Up this close, he wouldn’t be able to escape the alpha scent coming off me, and I got a good whiff of him too. Almost immediately, hormones made my head spin.
Why had I thought sledding was a good idea?
“Everyone ready?” Jake called. “Here we go!”
And then we went, and I remembered why I’d picked sledding. For Jake. The kid was having so much fun. Laughing and cheering as the toboggan slid through the snow and down the hill. We’d barely made it to the bottom when he raced up again to have another go.
“Does he always have this much energy?” I asked Eli as we went after the kid. Our son. It was still weird to think that.
“Yeah. You should have seen him after he found my brother’s secret chocolate stash and ate all of it when he was four.” Eli chuckled, but his words made me feel a pang of bitterness.
“I didn’t know he existed when he was four.” How many more funny stories had I missed? How many important ones?
Eli dropped his gaze. “I’m sorry.”
I got the feeling that he wanted to say more—I wanted to say more—but we’d already reached the top of the hill again and Jake was waving at us.
This time Eli went on the sled second, and I took seat behind him. Yeah, this felt a
little more natural, and reminiscent of our youth, when we hadn't been sitting on a sled, but, well, doing other things pressed close together.
I closed my eyes and inhaled.
How could I still be into Eli?
But I was.
All of my irritation changed nothing about that fact. I still wanted him.
And as close as we were sitting, I could only hope that he wouldn't notice the evidence of that pressing him in the back.
I scrambled off the sled when we made it to the bottom of the hill again. Eli did too, but he didn't say anything to me, focusing on his son instead.
“Are you having fun?” he asked.
Jake threw his hands up. “This is awesome!”
I smiled. Maybe this whole parenting thing wasn't as hard as I thought it might be.
“I need a break,” Eli claimed. “Why don't you go up again with Matt?”
What?
“No, you have to come too!” Jake insisted, as if speaking for the both of us.
“I'll come again in a little while.”
Jake huffed. “Promise!”
“Promise.” Eli patted his son's head. “Now go.”
“Okay.” Jake looked at me and I started dragging the toboggan back up. He fell into step beside me, back to his energetic self.
It was sweet of Eli to give us some time alone, but I wasn't sure what to do with it, really.
He's your son. Get to know him.
Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.
“So you like sledding?” I asked, because that wasn't obvious.
“I love it!”
“What else do you like?” That was a better question. I mentally patted myself on the back.
He looked at me with his brown eyes--eyes the same color as mine--and made a thoughtful face. “I like cartoons. And swimming. But in the summer. Oh, and I'm going to be in the school play! That's going to be awesome!”
“The school play?”
“I have two lines!” he exclaimed proudly.
“Wow. That's a lot!”
“Yeah!” He beamed at me as we reached the top again and he climbed on the toboggan.
“Okay, hold on tight.” I settled behind him and kicked us off again. Laughter burst out of him as we raced down the hill. I loved that sound. Made me feel like the best dad ever, even though I hadn't done much.
He was a great kid.
I found myself smiling as I climbed off the sled at the bottom of the hill--until something cold hit me in the back of the neck.
A snowball.
I turned around to find Eli, holding his hand to his mouth. “I was aiming for Jake, I swear!”
And before I even knew how to react, Jake jumped off the sled. “Snowball fight!” he declared, scooping snow from the ground. “C’mon,” he said, looking at me. “He got you!”
Jake was right. This called for revenge.
I made a snowball with my hands and threw it at Eli. I didn’t hit anything, but Jake did, cheering as the snow connected with his Daddy’s face.
“Oh, you!” Eli threw more snowballs, but Jake quickly ducked behind me, so that I was the one getting hit again. Both of them laughed, as if this had all been planned.
“Sorry!” Eli said, still laughing. He was cute like that. I had always loved the way he laughed, like he was really trying not to but he just couldn’t hold back and the sound just bubbled out of him.
I gathered some snow in my hand and approached him. “I’ll give you sorry!” Quickly, I dropped the snow down his neck. He nearly shrieked.
“You asshole!”
Now it was my turn to laugh, watching Eli frantically try to shake the snow off. But I only laughed until Jake jumped up on my back, trying to do the same thing to me that I’d done to Eli. His sudden attack surprised me so much that I stumbled forward, taking Eli down into the snow with me.
Jake cheered on my back. “I got both of you!”
He climbed off, while I was still staring at the omega below me, his face only inches from mine and so, so kissable. I’d thought that about him from the moment I’d met him.
But I’d gotten better at controlling my hormones over the years.
So it didn’t matter how much his lips begged to be kissed or how nice he smelled, I knew that I had to get up before the situation could get any more awkward than it already was.
Pulling myself together, I stood and held a hand out to Eli to help him up. He took it wordlessly. His hand was cold, but I was still loath to lose the contact when he let go again as soon as he got back on his feet.
Looking at me, he licked his lips, and I was expecting him to say something—when Jake pulled on his arm, breaking the tension.
“Look, Daddy!” He pointed at a couple of older kids on the hill. “They have tube sleds! Can I go with them?”
Eli gave the children a measuring look. “You have to ask them. Nicely!”
It was impressive how quickly he could go from confused omega to responsible father.
Jake nodded and sprinted off. Eli stuck his hands in his pockets and watched as his little bundle of energy approached the other children.
“He’s not always good at social interactions,” he muttered.
“He seems like a good kid, though.”
The corner of Eli’s lips tugged up and I saw so much love in his eyes as he looked at Jake. “Yeah,” he said. “Looks like he made it too.”
Eli was right; Jake got on a sled with one of the older kids.
“You raised him well.”
“I try,” Eli said, eyes still on his son. “When I first had him I didn’t know what to do either.”
“Seems like you got a handle on things, though.”
Eli shrugged. “What choice did I have? He needed me.” After a moment, he pulled his smart phone out of his pocket. “There’s… Something I think you should see.” He tapped on his phone, and then held it out to me. On the display, I saw a picture of a baby. My baby, it had to be. What a weird yet wonderful feeling.
“Is that…”
“My brother took this picture just after Jake was born.”
I stared at it. “I, uh…” Part of me wanted to ask him to send me that, but an even larger part of me couldn’t get over how sad it was that I had to make a request like that because I hadn’t been there for the birth of my son. I exhaled. “I can’t believe I wasn’t there.”
“I’m sorry,” Eli said. Again.
“Are you? Because it’s been eight years, and if I hadn’t run into you two, I still wouldn’t know a thing. Would you prefer that? Because you could have told me at any time.”
“Right.” Eli’s tone turned bitter. “Remember when I asked you if there was any way we could be together and you said no?”
I swallowed, because I did remember that. Not one of my favorite memories. I’d been stupid to start anything with Eli when I’d known it couldn’t go anywhere. “That was different,” I insisted. “I didn’t know you were pregnant. If you’d told me—”
“Would you have given up everything?”
Eli’s question caught me off guard. I wanted to say yes, just to be spiteful, but the truth was that I didn’t know. I couldn’t say for sure. I’d been young and stupid and so focused on my life’s goals. But still… “I would have found some way to help you.”
Eli laughed without a trace of joy in his tone. “Maybe I was okay with being your dirty secret, but I never wanted that for Jake.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I only knew that I had so many regrets.
“I thought about telling you, you know. During the winter holidays, after I’d found out. But then I saw you with your wife, and…”
“Is that what made you back off?”
Eli averted his gaze. “Well, in part. I mean, it wasn’t easy to see you like that. You looked happy. With her.” He sighed. “You know, I’d been told all my life that one day, I was going to tear a family apart because that’s what omegas do. We can’t keep our legs closed and we breed li
ke bunnies with no regards for the sanctity of marriage. I’d sworn to myself I wasn’t ever going to be that stereotype, and yet…”
“Eli… you know our relationship wasn’t like that. I wasn’t married when we were together. For that period of time, I was yours.” And long after, only you didn’t know.
Eli shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I knew you were promised to someone else. I had no illusions about that. But I still wanted you to be happy. And you looked happy,” he repeated with emphasis. His breath caught on the last word and his eyes shone with unspilled tears. “I’m sorry I can’t go back and make a different decision.”
I took a step toward him and cupped his face. It didn’t matter if part of me was still mad at him or not, I simply couldn’t stand to see him in distress. “I’m sorry too,” I said. “For so many things. I should never have left you in the first place.”
“What are you saying?” Eli’s voice remained remarkably steady, considering that a tear rolled down his cheek. I wiped it away with my thumb.
“I’m saying you’re not the only one who makes stupid decisions every now and then.”
“I never blamed you.” He hesitated. “Well, maybe I blamed you a little. But I knew you didn’t have a choice. Not really.”
“No, that’s what they want us to think. But we always have a choice.” I looked into his eyes. Thankfully, no new tears were forming. Good. He had such pretty eyes. I could lose myself in them if I wasn’t careful.
“You really think so?” Eli asked, looking up at me. He was just a little bit shorter than me. Ideal height, really. Perfect for me to lean in and…
“What are you doing?” I heard Jake’s voice from behind me.
Somehow I managed not to groan as I tore myself away from his Daddy.
“Nothing, buddy.” I ruffled his hair, which had become a bit wet from the snow.
“Where’s your hat?” Eli asked.
Jake patted his head as if only now realizing that he wasn’t wearing it anymore. Then he looked behind himself and shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ll look for it!” And off he went again.
The Omega's Secret Baby (Oceanport Omegas Book 1) Page 6