Behind the Falls

by Brenda Zalegowski

  “Hi, Noah,” she says as she stands.

  “Uh, hi.”

  “Are you busy? Could we maybe go for a walk and talk?” she says. God, why does something as innocuous as a walk make me nervous? Maybe because it’s Tabitha that’s suggesting it.

  “We can’t talk here?” I ask.

  “Your parents are home. I’m not sure if you’re going to feel comfortable with the possibility that they may overhear some of the things I need to say.”

  “When you put it like that I think the LAST thing I want is a talk,” I hedge.

  “Oh come on, pussy. Just put on some shoes and come with me.” I can see she’s not going to leave until I humor her so I tell my mom where I’m going, prove I have my phone and head to my room for shoes.

  “Wow, this room has so much personality,” she says dryly making me jump. I hadn’t realized she was following me.

  “I’m moving back to Illinois this summer. Why bother?” I ask. I won’t admit that my bland room just reflects bland me. I’m pretty sure Tabitha knows that already. After I put on shoes and a coat and I prove once more to Mom that I have my phone we leave. We’ve walked a few blocks before Tabitha even says anything.

  “I’m sorry I messed with your head that night, Noah. I’m sorry I used you like that and I’m sorry that I disliked you for something that wasn’t even your fault.” She’s quiet for a moment before continuing in a smaller voice. “I didn’t dislike you, I hated you and all you ever did was become the object of affection of the guy I was crazy about. It’s ridiculous.”

  “It’s okay. I mean, I kinda think I have a little bit of an idea how you felt,” I put my arm around her shoulders and squeeze. “You know, you could have told me this at my house.” I add as I shiver.

  “There’s more,” she says. “I came here to talk to you today because no matter how I feel about you or Max or any of it, when it comes right down to it I love Max. I always will.” This revelation makes me uncomfortable and I think she can tell. “I’m not IN love anymore, or at least I’m trying not to be, but I will always love him in some way. I don’t think that will ever change.

  “Because I care about him I think I need to get something through your thick skull. He loves you, Noah. I KNOW he does because he’s told me.”

  “He might have thought at one time…but we’re just friends now. We’re good. It’s okay,” I tell her.

  “No, it’s not okay. When was the last time you talked to him?” she asks. I don’t have to think too hard about this. It was before Christmas when he just happened upon me. He hasn’t made any attempt to talk to me since and that kinda hurts.

  “Um, Christmas Eve, I guess. I was out for a run and he was coming home from running an errand and saw me and we talked and that was the last time.” She nods knowingly.

  “I talked to him last night. You may think you’re just friends and everything is all fine and the same as it was before but take it from me. When you feel unrequited love it doesn’t just go away. It sticks around. It hurts, especially if you’re friends too. I know this. You’d rather be friends than nothing but being friends is so hard. I care about him more than almost anyone in my life except maybe my brother. He saved us. Terry and I were in a really bad place and Max helped us out of there and I OWE him.

  “He’s hoping a few days away will clear his head. He’s hoping that keeping his distance, not calling you and not texting or seeing you for a few days will help him get past this. Hell, he’ll probably see Jensen while he’s out there. It’s a Hell of a drive from Reno to whatever stupid desert town she lives in but he’ll do it to get some perspective.”

  “He said he wasn’t,” I say and why am I suddenly upset?

  “Wasn’t what?” Tabitha asks looking at me shrewdly.

  “He s-said he wasn’t going to see her,” I stammer. Tabitha smiles at me.

  “Yeah, I thought so,” she says looking smug.

  “What?”

  “Noah, just get over yourself and admit that there’s something there!” she shouts. “God, I can see it! Darcy can see it! I can’t believe Max can’t see it. For all I know maybe he can and he’s not willing to point it out because he doesn’t want to feel like he led you there. I just want him to be happy again. I’ll do what it takes to get that back, to get my friend back to being himself. I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen. That’s why I’m here.”

  “Let me get this straight. Back in October you were willing to do whatever you had to do to make sure he didn’t end up with me and now you’re trying to play match maker? You’re matching the wrong people, Tabitha. You should be at Mischa’s house right now.” I’m shaking and Tabitha can feel it because I never dropped my arm when I put it around her shoulders. I think she thinks it’s the cold because we’re walking by the diner and she pulls me in that direction.

  We don’t speak again as we wait to be seated and order two hot chocolates and wait for them to arrive. Tabitha also ordered some kind of chocolate pie. This much chocolate could probably lead to diabetes or something. When the waitress drops off our order Tabitha hands me one of two forks and points at the pie. I try a bite. It’s good. I wish the Xanax would let me eat a slice.

  “He’s not in love with Mischa. Sure, he likes her okay. Yeah, she’s absolutely beautiful. Yeah, she’s making some kind of play for him. Whether it’s a rebound thing or she’s just trying to make Jared jealous is anyone’s guess. I know him, Noah. He’s unhappy. He hasn’t been unhappy since he first moved here, not really. Eventually he might just give in to her.

  “I’m not blind. I can see the way you look at them at lunch. I saw how you reacted when she called him the other night. Hell Max himself told me how you were the night he brought her home from Gionnatti’s. It confused the Hell out of him. It gave him some kind of feeling of hope. But he’s not going to make another move, Noah. So just get over yourself and do something about it before it’s too late!”

  “I’m not some lovesick, teenaged girl,” I retort.

  “I know that.”

  “High school fucking sucks,” I sigh. “Why are you doing this? I mean, if you care about him so much, why don’t you hate me anymore?”

  “He deserves to be happy. I care more about his happiness than my jealousy. He SAVED me, Noah.” She pulls her sleeves up and shows me her forearms and I realize that I’ve never seen Tabitha without long sleeves or those arm warmer things that go from wrist to elbow.

  Her arms are covered in angry scars. Most of them are in the wrist area. Some are in the bend of the elbow. They’re thin, perfectly straight. Some overlap each other. She allows me to stare for a minute before shoving her sleeves back down to hide this. I think of a line I read on Max’s wall Skin a roadmap of her pain.

  “What did you do?” I whisper. Of course I’ve heard of cutting. I’ve just never met anyone that would do that. I don’t understand it but I feel an odd connection with her in this moment.

  “I don’t really want to go into my story. My stepdad, he wasn’t good for us, Terry and me. The first time I cut…it wasn’t a game. I was going to kill myself. I didn’t see any other way. I didn’t go very deep. I was working up to it, trying to prepare myself for the pain. I was just teasing the blade over my skin and then that first cut… I can’t even begin to describe it. It was real pain. It was release. It was me controlling the pain for once. I don’t really want to describe it more than that. I’m in a better place now but if I think about it too much…it would be too easy to fall back there again. It’s like an addict can never have another hit, you know? After that first time it was the way I learned to deal. In a strange way it saved my life.”

  “Didn’t anyone know?” I whisper.

  “My mom eventually found out. My stepdad would have noticed if he was ever sober enough to care. I don’t think he would have cared if he had found out though. I had to get sneaky after my mom found out. She made me talk to the guidance counselor. Of course I lied my way through most of that. I couldn’t really
tell the entire truth. I told them what they wanted to hear and stopped cutting where they could see it.” She gets quiet and swallows and I can tell this is hard for her.

  “Why are you telling me this?” I ask. I have so many of my own secrets. I want to know where she found the bravery to tell one of hers.

  “So you’ll see what Max means to me. He was Terry’s friend first. He was tutoring Terry in geometry or something but when we met we hit it off. Everyone likes Max and it was like when you first got here. Everyone wanted to be his friend but he became mine. He knew something was wrong for me and Ter at home.

  “One day, things got really bad. Brad, my stepdad, almost killed Terry. I don’t know what he would have done to me. Max showed up at the right place and right time. If he hadn’t, I think Terry may have died on our kitchen floor. I might have followed him.”

  “How did Max stop it?”

  “How do you think? He went all Taekwondo on Brad’s ass. He got Brad to hit him twice first, in the face where it would leave a mark. He made sure no one would question him.

  “He called 911, saved Terry’s life, saved my ass too. Then Mr. Maxwell helped my family get the help we needed to start rebuilding our lives but it was Max that knew about the cutting. It was Max that knew that just because I was hiding the cuts now didn’t mean I was okay and that I wasn’t doing it and he was there for me. He made sure I went to therapy. He supported me when I needed it. So you see he’s not just my best friend. He’s meant so much to me. I just want him to be happy and to get everything he deserves.”

  “Even if I don’t deserve him?” I say ever so quietly, the words Tabitha said to me weeks ago.

  “Even if,” she agrees. We’re silent after that. I take care of the check and the tip and we leave. The chocolate pie goes mostly uneaten. Tabitha walks back to my house with me. For the first time I notice Terry’s car out front.

  “I know this is probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I know you’re probably confused and scared but this is Max. He wouldn’t hurt you. He won’t let you get hurt. I think you need to be honest with yourself and with him or the two of you will end up…”she lets that trail off into nothing.

  “Indifferent?” I say. She shakes her head.

  “Hating each other,” she says. “The opposite of love is hate, right?” She gets in the car then rolls down the window. “He gets back on the thirtieth. Give him until then and if you haven’t heard from him then call him. Just do it, Noah.” She starts the car and, filling the street with exhaust, Tabitha drives away.

  The next few days drag. Having never been to public school, I never really needed the winter break. Now that I’m used to the routine of school every day I don’t have anything to do and I’m bored. Tabitha and Darcy even drag me out of the house a few times. We go to Lancaster to see an actual first run movie one afternoon then have dinner before we come home. Another day they take me to a party.

  I don’t really tell my parents I’m going to a party. They would never let me go. I’m not even that sure I want to go but I’m so bored I’m willing to try anything. I tell my parents that we’ll be hanging out at Darcy’s house.

  The party is at someone’s house that Terry knows. The parents are away and someone’s older brother who is home from college agreed to get their younger brother some beer and the end result is that I’m basically sneaking out to go to a party.

  Darcy is driving and she’s not drinking. Tabitha takes a cup of beer as soon as we get there. If I come home smelling like beer I’ll never be allowed out of the house again. Mixing Xanax with alcohol probably isn’t the best idea anyway.

  “Why don’t you drive, Blakely?” Tabitha nudges me with an elbow to the ribs. “If you’re not going to drink Darcy could have some fun.” I shrug.

  “Never needed to drive,” I say. “Never got a license.” I spend a lot of the party just sitting and observing. Most of the lunch group is there and someone is constantly stopping by to talk to me. I’m not bored or anxious or anything really. After about two hours, Tabitha is well on her way to getting drunk. The furniture had been pushed back against the walls earlier and a lot of people are dancing including Terry and Tessa.

  Before I know what’s happening, Darcy pulls me out of my chair and she and Tabitha have me surrounded, forcing me to dance. I try to just go with it. Most of the people here seem pretty drunk so I figure if I dance like a fool no one will remember. It’s actually kind of fun. When you have a girl in front of you and a girl behind you and they’re holding onto your hips and guiding your movements (not to mention grinding against you) anyone can be a good dancer.

  We keep at it for the better part of an hour. The three of us have been joined by another girl that I recognize from my art class. She seems to know Darcy pretty well. I’m having a great time because for the first time in a while I just feel normal. There’s no panic, no anxiety and I’m just like anyone else at the party. I’m actually disappointed when it’s time to go. I have a midnight curfew and so does Darcy.

  Mom and Dad are still awake when I get home. I check in with them before I head off to bed. Of course I don’t mention the large number of drunken teens. I do tell them about dancing with multiple girls and having a good time and feeling no stress, anxiety or social awkwardness. Of course they’re pleased.

  It’s like December thirtieth will never get here and then suddenly, it’s December thirtieth. Max gets home today. I haven’t heard from him the entire week. I haven’t talked to him since that brief conversation in the car on Christmas Eve. I can’t stop checking my phone, expecting a text. I don’t know why I thought he would text me the second he got home. He might not even be home yet. I don’t know.

  Mom already spoke to Lydia and she confirmed that she and Mark have no plans for tomorrow. Now it’s just up to me to talk to Max and see if he’s also free. I feel shy about calling him. I was wrong about what I said to Tabitha. I AM a freaking lovesick, teenaged girl.

  I’m getting ready for bed when my phone finally rings. It’s Kimber. I really don’t want to admit to her that I haven’t done a thing since the last time we spoke. I let it go to voice mail. I’m actually in bed with the lights out when it rings again. This time it’s Max’s smiling face that looks at me from the display screen.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Noah,” he says. “How’s your break been?”

  “Okay, kinda boring, I think I’m ready to go back to school,” I admit. “I went to a party with Darcy and Tabitha. That was pretty fun. How was skiing?”

  “Cold! It was good though. It was good to spend some time with my dad, just him and me.”

  “So, uh, do you have any plans tomorrow night?” I’m glad I’m talking to him on the phone because I can tell my face is flushed.

  “Elliot mentioned a couple of parties. Mischa invited me to a show in Lancaster. I haven’t really made a solid plan. What are you doing?”

  “I’m just staying in tomorrow. My parents are going to Philly overnight. Uh, they said I could invite you over but it sounds like you have more interesting things to do.”

  “I could do that,” he says with no hesitation.

  “It sounds like you have plenty of more interesting offers. It’s New Year’s Eve…”

  “Are you trying to talk me out of it?” he laughs. “I’m not a big fan of New Year’sEve. I would prefer not to drive anywhere on New Year’s Eve. I think staying in and hanging out with you is the more enticing offer.”

  “Well, okay then. We’ll get pizza and watch movies and just hang,” I say.

  “Noah?” he has that tone in his voice that makes me think he’s going to say something important.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” is all he says before he disconnects the call.

  The next day my parents prepare for their trip to Philly and I can tell that today my mom is playing the role of nervous parent. She gives me a small container with enough Xanax to last me until tomorrow afternoon when they get h
ome.

  “You promise me you’ll take these on time, right?” she asks nervously.

  “Of course I will.”

  “If you have any trouble Mark and Lydia are close by. Dad talked to Mark. He’ll be there if you need him, okay?”

  “He hasn’t told Max about me?” I just can’t believe Mark has kept this secret for me.

  “Of course he hasn’t. It’s not his secret to tell. I think you should tell him. Max is your best friend. Wouldn’t it be easier if he knew? If you didn’t have to hide it whenever you’re anxious?”

  “No, I can’t tell him. He wouldn’t be any kind of friend after I told him something like that,” I say.

  “If he’s a real friend…”

  “Mom, just don’t, okay? I’ll be fine. There’s no reason to tell anyone anything.” My parents leave before Max gets here. It’s over an hour to Philly and there’s dinner before their party. Mom hugs me and tells me again to make sure I take meds on time and to call Mark if there are any problems. When Dad hugs me I almost can’t breathe. He acts like leaving me is a big deal and that he’ll never see me again.

  “I’m okay, Dad. Everything is going to be fine,” I reassure him.

  “I know that,” he says, kissing my head before letting go of me. “We’ll see you next year.”

  “Lame joke, Dad,” I tell him then I give him one last hug before they leave. After my parents are gone the house is quiet. I can hear the hum of the refrigerator. I go into the basement and grab the bottle of champagne that I know is down there and that I’m sure my parents don’t know exists. I put it in the fridge. It’s New Year’s Eve after all.

  I already took a long run this morning but I’m a little bored and a lot anxious so I go out for another short run. I’m trying not to overthink things. I’m trying to just let things happen as they may without worrying too much. I’m not really succeeding but once I get into the run my head clears like it usually does.