Behind the Falls

by Brenda Zalegowski

  After a few miles it starts to snow so I head back home. Not hearing Mom call my name when I walk in is weird. I check the time, take my Xanax like a good boy and then shower and change. I’m just putting on shoes and socks when I hear the doorbell. My heart speeds up because I know it’s Max.

  When I get to the door I see that the snow is already starting to lay. Max smiles crookedly. “Hi, Noah,” he says. We both move in for a hug which is just normal with Max but it’s the first time I’ve ever hugged him thinking about more. I try to steady my breathing.

  “If we’re going to get pizza we should probably do that now,” he continues as he breaks the hug off first. “The roads are not going to improve as the night goes on.” I look out at the steadily falling snow. I have a moment of anxiety about the fact that my parents are driving to Philly in this. I know they’ll call or text when they get there. I’ll be looking at my phone nonstop.

  “We could get delivery,” I suggest. Max shakes his head.

  “Giannotti’s is better than Pasquale’s,” he says. “Besides, is it fair to expect them to drive in this if we won’t? Come on, get your coat.” I grab my coat and follow Max out to the Subaru.

  “Hey, where’s Matty’s car seat?” I ask as I climb in the passenger side. The smile Max flashes is huge.

  “So Dad gave Lydia a new car for Christmas,” he says. “I inherited this one. I thought he was nuts. He should have used it as a trade but he said ‘You’re going to college soon. You’re going to need your own car’ and that was the end of that.”

  “So YOU basically got a car for Christmas,” I say.

  “Well, Lydia was the only one that got a big red bow but yeah, I got a car.”

  “That’s pretty ridiculous, but also freaking sweet.”

  “I know right?” When we get to Giannotti’s we debate the pros and cons of eating there or taking it home. It’s crazy full. I don’t know why so many kids are there. I put in my vote to take it home which solves that dilemma. We’re quiet as we wait for our pie. It’s not unusual for me to be quiet but it’s not Max’s natural state.

  “You’re quiet,” I say. He shrugs. “Everything okay?” I ask. He nods. It’s not until we get back to my house that he really starts to talk again. We’re in the living room pizza and other random junk food spread out on the coffee table. I’ve managed a slice and go in for a second piece. I used to be able to eat half a pizza myself. This is the first time since I’ve been on the Xanax again that I’ve even felt capable of a second slice.

  We’ve discussed what movie to start with but otherwise Max is still quiet. We’ve settled on Die Hard because how much more Christmas season can you get? Bruce Willis is bloody with glass in his bare feet before Max speaks again. He takes the remote and pauses the movie.

  “I saw Jensen,” he says, looking at the frozen image on the TV. I feel a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I knew he seemed off somehow. I put down my pizza and wait for him to continue.

  “I don’t know it was only an hour and a half drive. I felt like it was something I needed to do,” he says, answering my unspoken question which was simply Why?

  “How?” I start then have to clear my throat. “How did that go?” I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them.

  “The weather was nice. It was fifty six degrees that day,” he tries to laugh but it sounds forced. “It was good to see her. It was hard to see her…”

  “Why was it hard?” I ask.

  “There are still feelings there. I won’t deny that. She asked me…”he hesitates and runs his hand through his hair. “She asked me if I would reconsider us trying to go to the same school. It’s tempting but…” he shrugs and doesn’t continue.

  “But what?” I finally have to prompt him.

  “Well, there are still feelings there. I never stopped loving her after we moved I just had to get over her.”

  “Are you going to do it? Try to go to the same school?” Does he notice how small my voice has gotten?

  “I don’t want to choose a school based on a relationship, even one like I had or could have with Jensen. I wouldn’t expect her to do that either.”

  “But what if she’s like…your soul mate or whatever?” I blame my mother for putting that concept in my head. I don’t believe in that crap.

  “I don’t think she is. I love her but…” again the hand through the hair.

  “But what?” I put my chin on my knees.

  “It’s like pizza. Pasquale’s is good and they deliver but we still drive to Gianotti’s because it’s better. Pasquale’s is pretty good pizza but why have pretty good when you know that Giannotti’s exists?”

  “You’re comparing love to pizza?” I manage a small laugh. Max smiles that Mona Lisa smile and shakes his head.

  “I don’t know how to explain it. I mean, you’ve never been in love. I’m trying to put it in terms you can understand. It’s like first love is Pasquale’s pizza. It’s really good but then I grew up a little more and changed a bit and now I’ve discovered Giannotti’s and it’s just better.

  “Okay, I could do it. I could go to the same school as Jensen or she could go to the same school as me and we’d maybe be happy because I do love her. But that’s just maybe. If I found a different kind of love, one that was bigger and better than that first love, should I settle for that first one? I don’t settle for Pasquale’s now that I know Gianotti’s exits.

  “I mean, eventually I’d have to find that again right? Now that I know it exists, that I’m capable of that feeling…I don’t know. I’m not making any sense. Jen and I decided to just keep things the way they are but neither of us has picked a school yet. The possibility still exists. I’m just stuck in my head right now. I’m sorry I’m not very good company.”

  He resumes the movie but of course now I have to overanalyze everything he said. If he found a bigger kind of love than what he felt for Jensen…is he talking about me or is he talking about Mischa? He says I’ve never been in love but he doesn’t have all of the facts. I could actually use Tabitha’s input right now and that’s pretty scary.

  We watch movies for a few hours and then we switch over to one of those annoying network New Year’s shows just so we can count down to midnight. I go out to the kitchen under the guise of putting away the leftover pizza but I come back with two champagne glasses and the now chilled bottle.

  “Noah…I don’t drink,” he says when I try to hand him a glass.

  “Come on, it’s New Year’s and my parents aren’t home. Humor me. Don’t make me drink alone.”

  “Ah the peer pressure!” he teases as he takes the glass. When the countdown hits midnight we toast and I drink my entire glass in one gulp. Max sips at his. In a perfect world this is when we’d be kissing but my world is so far from perfect that of course I’m just not able to do that, at least not until I’ve had more champagne.

  I don’t feel the champagne until I’ve finished the bottle then it hits me all at once. I don’t know if I’m just feeling drunk or if it’s the alcohol mixing with the Xanax but yeah, I’m pretty messed up by now. I’m slurring my words. I’m laughing too much and too loudly. I’m also more relaxed than I can ever remember being. It’s like there are no worries and everything is soft around the edges and I’m content.

  I spend about an hour like this and I kinda like it other than the slurring part. It’s like my tongue is too big for my mouth or something. I pull Max off the couch and try to get him to dance to whatever crap pop star is on New Year’s Rockin Eve now but I’m too dizzy and clumsy and he ends up holding me up more or less.

  “Happy New Year,” I mumble into his shoulder.

  “Not only are you a lightweight but you’re a terrible dancer,” he says. He puts his arms around me and just holds me, swaying back and forth even though the music playing is a fast song. “Remind me to keep you away from alcohol in the future” he says it into my hair because my head is on his shoulder.

  “Thissis nice,” I slu
r. I may be totally wasted on a combination of benzos and alcohol but I’m aware enough to know how I feel and how I feel is…like this is where I belong. He strokes my hair back and puts his cheek against the top of my head.

  “You are so going to regret this tomorrow,” he says.

  “No regrets,” I mumble and why does it sound like my mouth is full of cotton?

  “We should get you to bed,” Max says. He stops swaying and releases me then gets one arm around my waist. My feet drag and I almost fall twice as he helps me to my room. He turns down the covers for me. “I’ll be right back,” he says. I fumble out of my clothes and pull on pajamas and flop on the bed. The room is spinning. My heart is beating really rapidly. Maybe alcohol on top of Xanax isn’t such a good idea. I felt really good there for a while though.

  “Here, drink this,” he says as he hands me a large glass of water.” He goes into the bathroom and starts looking through the medicine cabinet and I have a brief moment of worry that he’ll find the Xanax but it doesn’t last because I feel too good to worry. I’m just warm and fuzzy and floating…

  “Take these,” Max says handing me some ibuprofen. I take them and finish the water. He refills the glass at the bathroom tap then brings it back to me. “Drink this,” he says as he kneels next to the bed. I’m sitting just enough to drink the water and he puts a hand on my back to steady me. When the second glass of water has been drained he refills it again and places it on my nightstand.

  “Do you feel sick?” he asks. I shake my head. He gets the trashcan from my bathroom and places it next to the bed. “Just in case,” he says. He’s next to my bed again and he pulls the covers over me. I push myself up on my elbows. I grab a fistful of his shirt and pull him towards me. Everything goes quiet as I press my lips to his and he…pulls away from me.

  “No,” he says quietly. It wasn’t until now that I realize he’s been calling me Noah for the last few weeks. He hasn’t called me No since that day…

  “In chemistry,” I say out loud. “You haven’t called me No since I told you not to call me that in chemistry class.” My words are so slurred I’m not sure if he even understands them.

  “I’m not saying your name. I’m saying, no, negative, not gonna happen,” he says.

  “But…”I don’t have any kind of argument I just try to kiss him again. He pushes me back into the pillows and pulls the covers up to my chin.

  “You’re drunk and you probably won’t remember this tomorrow so as much as I want to kiss the air out of your lungs I just have to say no,” he brushes my hair off of my forehead and kisses it softly. “Goodnight, Noah,” he says then turns off the bedside lamp and leaves my room.

  The room is spinning and I feel like I can’t breathe right. It’s almost like when I took too many Xanax before we flew out to Illinois. I try to stay awake because I’m afraid if I fall asleep I might stop breathing. Even the threat of death can’t keep my eyes open they’re so heavy. Soon I’m asleep but as I fall asleep I think of what he said. I want to kiss the air out of your lungs. It’s not too late after all.

  January

  The next morning my mouth tastes like I licked the inside of the garbage disposal…not that I would know what that tastes like but I have a vivid imagination. My head hurts a bit but it’s not too bad, nothing I can’t ignore. I stumble to the bathroom with my eyes still closed. If I can pee, grab some ibuprofen and brush my teeth I might be able to fall right back to sleep.

  I vaguely remember drinking way too much champagne and…did I dance with Max? Everything comes rushing back at once. Holy shit! I kissed Max! I also remember that he said no but he said something about WANTING to kiss me. He took care of me last night too, I remember that. I take my Xanax, ibuprofen and brush my teeth and especially my tongue. I finish up with mouth wash then brush and floss and mouthwash again. The taste in my mouth now is minty. I drink the glass of water that’s on my bedside table. No doubt Max left that there last night so I would drink it when I woke up this morning.

  I tiptoe out to the living room. He’s still asleep. He’s on his side with one arm bent under the pillow beneath his head. The other arm hangs limply off the edge of the couch. He’s lying on the side that his bangs fall to so I can see both of his eyes. I kneel in front of him, sitting back on my heels, and just look. I take in his dark lashes against his pale skin. Have I ever noticed how perfect his mouth is before now? Is it my stare that wakes him? The corners of his mouth turn up in a slight smile.

  “What are you doing?” he whispers.

  “Happy New Year,” I whisper back. I lean front and press my lips to his. It’s not even a real kiss, just lips pressed against lips but I still feel that fluttering in my heart, the explosion in my stomach.

  This time he doesn’t pull away from me. He opens his eyes slowly as I back away from him to sit back on my heels again. I look at his face, that face that’s been oddly special to me since the first time I ever saw it. It’s my favorite face. He’s one of my favorite people in the world and I KNOW I love him even if I’m not exactly sure how this will work. I know I’m IN love with him. I don’t try to figure it out I just close my eyes, lean in and kiss him again.

  “No?” he says and this time I know he’s not saying no, negative, not going to happen because he says it like a question and I know it’s my name he’s saying. “Are you sure?” Am I sure? I think I was sure the first time he kissed me, at least part of me was and that’s why I freaked out like I did. I’ve thought about this ad nauseam. If there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s that I’m done thinking. I nod and he sits up slowly.

  “Have you really thought about this?” he asks. I nod again. “If this is just curiosity that’s okay and I understand but I can’t be that for you. I can’t…if it’s just curiosity I know plenty of other guys that will be that for you but not me.”

  “It’s just you,” I manage and I’m still whispering because I don’t trust my voice to not break. Oh, PLEASE, Max! I think to myself.

  “Why now?” he asks as he stands up and looks down at me. Is he going to reject me after all? I realize he’s waiting for the right answer. I consider his question. Why now? I didn’t really realize how I felt before. I was too afraid before. I thought it was wrong before. I thought I could ignore the way he makes me feel. I thought…that’s the problem. I thought too much instead of just feeling what I feel.

  “Because I can’t NOT anymore,” I tell him and he smiles and reaches a hand to me and I take it and he pulls me to my feet. We stand eye to eye for a minute and then he leans towards me and kisses the tip of my nose then walks away. What the Hell?

  Eventually I follow him and he’s in the hallway bathroom. Oh, okay, not rejection then. I go back to my room. I make the bed. I sit. I wait.

  “Noah?” I hear him call as he leaves the bathroom and heads towards the living room.

  “I’m here,” I say and my voice is so small I wonder if he can even hear me. Soon he’s standing in my doorway

  “You were all minty and I was all morning breath,” he smiles. It’s almost shy.

  I slide across the bed so that I’m sitting in the middle of it. He comes into the room and sits on the edge of the bed facing me. He puts one hand behind my head while he leans in and pulls my head towards his until our foreheads are touching.

  “You’re absolutely sure? You’ve thought about this?” I just nod. “I need you to be sure because there’s no going back once we do this.”

  “I’m sure,” I whisper. I’m many things right now. I’m nervous and scared and excited and anxious but the thing I feel the most is that I’m really sure.

  “Noah, you have a power over me,” he says quietly. He pauses to clear his voice then says, “You have this power to hurt me like no one else ever could. Please don’t use it.”

  “No,” I think I say. He kisses my forehead. He takes my face in his hands gently and then he’s kissing me.

  Is it possible for a heart to stop AND to take off at a gallop at the same
time? Mine does. My stomach flips and the bottom drops out and all he’s done so far is gently kiss my closed mouth, teasing his lips over mine. One hand stays on my face. The other trails slowly from my face to my neck and slowly over my shoulder and down my arm where it stops and squeezes gently. He moves in closer and I lean towards him.

  As he sucks gently at my lips I realize I haven’t even kissed him back yet. When I do kiss him, he sighs and the hand on my face moves into my hair and his fingers curl and tighten in my hair tugging lightly. His tongue teases softly across my lips and I can’t help the smile that forms. I can feel that he’s smiling back and then the kiss deepens.

  I feel like every nerve is alive, every neuron firing at the same time. One of my hands reaches up to grasp the wrist of the hand in my hair. The other reaches for his face. His mouth leaves mine to kiss my cheek, my jaw, my neck and my ear and the goose bumps that result leave me shivering.

  “Max,” I whisper. He continues to kiss one ear then works his way along my neck and throat, remaining there while I tilt my head back to give him better access. He licks and kisses softly and when he gets to the hollow at the base of my throat he lingers there. My hands find his shoulders and pull him closer.

  I don’t know how much time we spend there just sitting on my bed kissing. It could be seconds or it could be days. In reality it’s probably around thirty minutes. I pant as the hand that was on my arm moves down my front from chest to my stomach then around the side. He puts a hand on my shoulder and presses gently, still kissing me.

  I lay back against the pillows and he follows me, never breaking the kiss. He slides the rest of his body onto the bed and now he’s halfway lying on me just propped up on one arm. He shifts so that his legs are entwined with mine, one knee between mine, the other on the outside of my leg. We’re lined up hip to hip and he allows more of his weight to fall on me. I take him by the waist and pull him even closer.