Behind the Falls

by Brenda Zalegowski

  “I should, uh, get back to my f-friends,” I stammer. I try to step away but Bryce is bigger and stronger and he doesn’t let go of me. Finally, I catch Max’s eye. I look at him pleadingly and he immediately says something to Tabitha and then he’s working his way through bodies.

  “Noah, everything okay?” he asks me but he’s glaring at Bryce. He looks fierce even though the size difference between him and this muscle bound guy is ridiculous.

  “Your friend and I were just getting to know each other,” Bryce says. Max cocks an eyebrow.

  “My BOYfriend doesn’t look all that interested in getting to know you,” Max says. Boyfriend? I can’t help wondering if that is the right word but what else am I? I smile in spite of the uncomfortable situation. Bryce slowly releases me and laughs.

  “I didn’t know he was taken. Beautiful boy like this…you shouldn’t let him out of your sight.” He’s still laughing as he walks away.

  Suddenly the lights go down and the house music stops and the crowd surges towards the stage. The show is finally about to start.

  “You okay?” Max asks, totally unconcerned about the show that he was so anxious to see.

  “I’m fine. I’m just…I’m fine,” I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile. He smiles back and then turns towards the stage as a guitar begins to wail. The lights come on full blast over the crowd and I have to blink against their brilliance. The lights swing towards the stage and I can see again and then Max has my hand and we’re getting closer to the band.

  The band is really good. They’re in the same vein as a lot of the music Max has turned me onto lately. They sound a bit like Rise Against or Falling In Reverse only unique in their own way. After a few songs I can see why Max likes their music but I honestly think the stuff I’ve heard him record is better. If these guys can get signed I think Max could get signed. I wonder if that’s something he even wants?

  The band has been playing for about a half hour when the circle pit that was small in the beginning starts to expand. Max hasn’t let go of my hand the entire time the band has been playing but then the crowd gets more intense and we’re being shoved around and suddenly his hand is ripped out of mine.

  I get turned around and pushed one way and then another. A body slams roughly into me and the wind is knocked out of me. I don’t understand pits. How can anyone think this is fun? I take an elbow to the back. I’m shoved into another body and then another and I feel like a human pinball.

  A hand or an elbow or maybe even a knee glances off of my face and I taste blood. I can feel the panic begin. It’s too many people. It’s too tight, too loud. I need to get out of here. I finally make my way out of the violent section of the pit but by the time I get out of the frenzy Max is nowhere to be seen.

  I make my way out of the melee on the dance floor and stand along the edges of the crowd looking for Max. I don’t know why I feel so anxious. I know we’ll eventually find each other. I know where the car is parked. It’s not like I’m stranded here alone but I FEEL alone. I don’t see Max anywhere or Tabitha or even Avery. I hurt from the random elbows and body blows. My heart is pounding. I have to get somewhere quiet so I can calm myself. I practice my breathing as I back away looking for refuge.

  I make my way to the back of the room and go down a passageway that I’m hoping leads to the restrooms but I only find an exit sign at the end of a long hallway. It’s not the restroom but at least it’s empty and the music is not so loud here and maybe I can just stay here a minute and breathe and collect myself. This is how I have to function if I want to get off of meds and stay off of them. I have to learn to calm myself.

  I’m still struggling with my breathing when I hear a voice behind me. “Hello again,” he says. I turn slowly to see Bryce of the muscles standing behind me a few feet away. He takes up so much space in this narrow passageway. I know I can’t get around him if he doesn’t want me to. I’m frozen in place. He closes the distance between us.

  “You found a great place, Twink. Did you know I was following you?” he’s close enough to touch me now. “I think you did. I think you led me here on purpose.” I shake my head.

  “I’m just looking for my friends,” I say meekly. He smirks at me.

  “I told your ‘friend’ not to let you out of his sight,” he says and then he’s touching me in ways I don’t want to be touched and I squeeze my eyes closed and I try to keep breathing but I can’t breathe. My ears are ringing and it has nothing to do with the loud music. I feel trapped. I am trapped.

  “What the Hell, Bryce?” comes a voice behind us. I risk a glance and it’s the guy Bryce was dancing with earlier. “He’s jailbait. If you really want a threesome we’ll find someone that’s at least legal.”

  “How old are you, Twink?” Bryce asks me as he presses into me and grabs my ass.

  “S-sixteen,” I gasp. Bryce doesn’t move away from me immediately and I can’t breathe right until he does. He gives me another squeeze before finally stepping away from me.

  “Come find me when you turn eighteen,” Bryce laughs and then he follows the other guy back towards the club. I gasp in choking breaths and what is wrong with me that I can’t just brush this off like a normal person would? Will I ever be able to just function like a normal person or am I justified in feeling freaked out by the whole thing? I can’t even tell anymore.

  Now I really do need to find a bathroom because I’m shaking and I feel sick. I stumble back the way I came and search frantically for a restroom sign. I’m also looking for Max and Tabitha but I still can’t find them. Finally I see a restroom sign and I go down another narrow passage similar to the last one only this one has two doors and I practically sob my relief when I push through the men’s room door.

  It’s blessedly empty. Everyone is still watching the show. It can’t have been more than a few minutes since I got separated from Max even though it feels like a lifetime. I lock myself in a stall and try to breathe. I have a dose of Xanax in my pocket but I don’t want to take it. If I want to get off of the drugs I have to learn to calm myself on my own.

  You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. I tell myself. I breathe deep. I hold it. I let it out slowly. I repeat this over and over again until the pain in my chest subsides. My ears are still ringing and I still feel shaky all over and my skin feels like something is crawling on it but I can breathe and I’m not in pain anymore. I’m vaguely aware of the sound of the music getting briefly louder as the main door of the restroom opens.

  “Noah? Are you in here?” I have never been so relieved to hear a voice but at the same time I’m not sure I want him to see me until I’ve really got myself under control. “Noah?”

  It takes me two attempts to unlock the door. I don’t know why my fingers don’t seem to work when I have a panic attack but it’s a damned nuisance. I finally get the door open and I take a few stumbling steps out of the stall.

  “Jesus, No, you’re white as a ghost,” Max says as he closes the distance between us. “Are you okay?” I nod but I don’t trust my voice. “You’re bleeding,” he says as he uses his thumb to wipe the corner of my mouth. He turns to the sink to wet a paper towel and I feel the bile rising and I’m back in the stall getting sick before he can turn around.

  I can’t even go to a club to see a simple rock show without losing it. I shouldn’t have friends. I shouldn’t let people get close. I most certainly shouldn’t have whatever it is that Max is, friend, boyfriend or other. I can’t hide this if I get too close.

  I realize that he’s right there with me in the stall. He’s rubbing one hand up and down my back while the other holds a cold, wet rag to the back of my neck. He’s murmuring to me but I can’t understand the words. Maybe it’s not even words. Maybe it’s just sounds of comfort. I hate that he’s here to see me like this, tossing my cookies and acting all loony tunes, but I also love it that he’s here to take care of me. I’m not alone.

  When my stomach is empty I spit a few times. I sit back on my heels
and Max hands me toilet paper and I blow my nose until it no longer burns. Max takes the wet paper towel that he had placed on the back of my neck and wipes my face with it.

  “Are you okay?” he asks softly while he searches my face. I nod and I stand up, swaying a little. He takes my arm and holds me steady. He keeps his hand on my arm for support as I make my way to the sink.

  I splash cold water on my face then I rinse my mouth and spit, rinse and spit over and over until I get the taste out of my mouth. Max hands me dry towels and I use them on my hands and face. I fish the small Altoids tin out of my front pocket. I’ve learned to never leave the house without mints, toothpaste or gum just in case of such an incident. I toss back a handful of the little mints and chew them up and then I finally have to actually make eye contact with Max.

  I’m expecting him to be looking at me with shock or horror or disgust on his face but he isn’t any of those things. He looks worried, really worried, but not disgusted. “Let’s find Tabitha and we’ll get you out of here,” he says as he puts an arm around me.

  “We don’t have to go,” I argue. “I’m fine now. The band isn’t even done yet.” He doesn’t say anything as he leads me from the restroom. Soon we’re back at the edge of the dance floor and Tabitha and Avery are there.

  “Where have you been?” Tabitha shouts as we approach. “It’s almost time!”

  “Almost time for what?” I say.

  “We’re going,” Max says.

  “But, Max…”Tabitha starts.

  “Noah isn’t feeling well. Get the coats and let’s get out of here,” he insists.

  “I’m really fine now,” I insist.

  “Max! It’s now!” Tabitha says and that’s when I realize that the band is in between songs. The singer is saying something about this next song that he wrote with a friend of his, a special guest that’s going to join them on the number and then he’s saying Max’s name.

  Max isn’t paying any attention. He’s still got his arm around my shoulders and he’s still looking at me with concern. Tabitha finally grabs his arm and pulls him away from me and gives him a little shove.

  “Just go! Avery and I will be with Noah. How long can it take? Five minutes? GO!” Max looks to me and I nod and as his name is being called again he turns and runs through the club. I have no idea how he gets on the stage. There must be a door that leads there from behind the dance floor or something but soon he’s walking out onstage from the sidelines. A roadie hands him a guitar that he straps on as the singer hugs him and introduces him to the crowd.

  “This is why he wanted you to come,” she says in my ear as the song begins. Tabitha puts an arm around me and squeezes. I can’t even speak.

  He’s magnificent. The charisma that I always see in everyday life just explodes on the stage. He looks at home and not nervous at all. I know he’s been in bands before but I can’t imagine that he’s ever played in front of this many people. Then again maybe he has. He certainly looks like it’s nothing out of the ordinary.

  He plays guitar and sings harmony with the band’s lead singer and I couldn’t possibly love him any more than I already do and yet somehow that feeling seems to grow even larger. Or maybe it’s just idol worship. After the first chorus, Max steps up to the center mic and he takes the lead and honest to God I can hear the girls as they squee over him. How can they not? He’s so talented and oh so beautiful!

  “So if this love is unrequited how can I exist?” he sings and I don’t think I’m being biased at all when I think that his voice is so much better than the singer from this band. “There is no cure for this love I can’t resist.” As he sings I realize I recognize these words. Of course I do. They’re written on his wall at home.

  It’s over too soon. I could watch him for hours or even days. When the song is over the singer says something like let’s hear it for Max Maxwell but I’m not really listening. I’m just looking at him in awe. I can’t believe I almost ruined this night for him and suddenly I’m really sad but I try to smile when Tabitha and Avery gush over how amazing it was. He’s so much larger than life. He’s so much more than me and what I have to offer which is like…nothing. Tabitha was right. I don’t deserve him. I have to blink sudden tears out of my eyes. I have this weird sense of the future, a kind of premonition that says this won’t last. I can’t keep him.

  I see him as he comes back through the club. People keep stopping him and I can tell he just wants to get back here to my side but he can’t blow them off. He smiles and shakes hands and I can see his mouth form the word thanks over and over as people compliment him or whatever they’re saying but his eyes never leave my face.

  Finally he’s there in front of me and I can’t even say a word. I just grab him and pull him as close as I can and kiss him. Yes, I kiss him right in front of hundreds of people. It’s amazing but it’s like Tabitha said…it’s not like I’ll ever see any of these people again. I try to push down that feeling, that premonition or whatever it was, and just enjoy right now.

  “You’re just…amazing. You’re over the top fantabulous,” I say in his ear because the band is playing again. He kisses me then takes my hand.

  “Come on, let’s get out of here,” he says. I shake my head.

  “I’m fine now, really. I want to stay for the rest of the show. Please.” He seems to debate it with himself for a while then he nods. He puts an arm around me and pulls me close and I rest my head on his shoulder as we watch the band.

  Max decides that we should leave before the encore is over to avoid the crowd. I don’t argue. God knows I don’t want to be stuck in another crowd. We say goodbye to Avery.

  “Tell Cy I’m sorry we couldn’t stay,” Max tells her. She nods as she gives him a hug then she hugs Tabitha and finally me.

  “It was nice to meet you, Noah. Take care of our boy,” she says and I just nod. As if Max could ever need taking care of especially by me. After we collect our coats from coat check we walk to the car. It’s cold and Max puts an arm around Tabitha on one side and me on the other as we walk.

  “So, you wrote that song?” I ask.

  “Co-wrote it with Cy, yeah,” he says.

  “So what does that mean for you if they’re getting signed?” I feel him shrug.

  “It depends. If it makes the CD I’ll get a writing credit. If it makes money there’s royalties. I don’t really care about that. I mean, it’s just a song I wrote with a friend.”

  “You’re right. You suck at humility,” I say as we get to the car. “I’m really tired. I’m going to sleep all the way home if that’s okay,” I add as he unlocks the doors.

  “Shotgun, that’s what I’m talking about,” says Tabitha. I climb in the backseat and lie down. I close my eyes and try to relax. I’m wiped out mentally and physically. Panic attacks can be exhausting. I’m glad I came tonight though. My thoughts are starting to wander and make no sense in that just before sleep phase when I hear my name.

  “Noah? Are you awake?” Max says. I want to say yes but I’m too far gone. I’ll be asleep before I can even open my mouth.

  “He’s out like a light,” Tabitha says as I hear her shift in her seat. She must have turned around to check.

  “I’m really worried about him, Kitty Cat,” Max says and that gets my attention. I’m more awake than asleep now.

  “He seems fine now,” she responds.

  “I don’t mean just tonight or right now I mean in general. There’s something wrong and he won’t tell me what it is.” There’s a desperate sound in his voice.

  “What do you mean? He seems the same to me. Actually he seems a lot happier than he has since I met him but you know him better than me.”

  “He’s sick a lot. He doesn’t sleep well at all. For a while there he was barely eating. I know he’s homesick and I know he’s still grieving his grandmother but sometimes he just seems so lost. It scares me. One night back in October, before I almost ruined everything we were just hanging out watching a movie and I looked over
at him and he was crying and I don’t even think he realized it. That just can’t be anything good.

  “I don’t know, it’s just a gut feeling I have that something is terribly wrong and it kills me that he’s suffering and he won’t talk to me about it. Tabitha, I’ve never felt this way. I can’t even describe the enormity of the way I feel about this boy. I’m just so afraid…”

  “I think you’re borrowing trouble. I think you’re right about the homesickness and if he’s still grieving his grandmother, well everyone grieves differently,” Tabitha seems convinced. I hope she can convince him. They’re quiet for a while and I’m starting to fall asleep again when he breaks the silence.

  “Last night after the dance he stayed over at my house…”Max begins.

  “When your parents find out what’s really going on your sleepovers are SO over,” Tabitha teases but Max doesn’t join her light laughter.

  “He didn’t want me to take his shirt off. Like, he really didn’t want to…”

  “Max, I’m glad for you. Really I am. I want you to be happy but I don’t want to hear about what you guys do,” Tabitha says. I feel my cheeks get hot. If either of them were to look in the rear view mirror they would totally know I’m only pretending to sleep.

  “I’m not talking about that. Just listen,” he says and his shortness seems to surprise Tabitha into silence. “When he finally let me take his shirt off…Tabby he has these bruises…” They’re both silent for a few minutes.

  “Do you think?” Tabitha begins in a small voice.

  “He says he fell on some ice,” Max says.

  “Well then maybe that’s what happened,” Tabitha says quietly.

  “Terry used to lie,” Max says equally as quietly. “When the bruises were in a place we could see he lied and Brad wasn’t even his real dad.”

  “You think his parents? Maybe you should talk to them.”

  “I can’t talk to them. What if it is them? Who else would it be? What if that made things worse for him? I’ve got nothing else to go on other than a couple of bruises that he explained. It’s just that with everything else it seems like it could all be connected.”