Behind the Falls

by Brenda Zalegowski

  I suddenly realize that Max thinks I lied about how I got hurt. Because I’m such a basket case all of the time and he can see it he assumes I’m lying to cover for abusive parents. I really need to let them know I’m awake but I can’t make myself do it. I don’t want him to know I’ve been listening this whole time. I’ll let him know how far off base he is somehow though.

  “I talked to my parents. Lydia was completely taken aback. She said there’s no way Oliver and Beth are like that but my dad knows something. He told me…he said that something happened when I was in the hospital. He said Oliver talked to him about Noah. Dad says that whatever problems Noah has have nothing to do with his parents. He says the Blakelys are like good parents to a fault, practically overprotective. He said that whatever Noah’s issues are that it’s Noah’s business and I should let it go until Noah decides to talk to me about it.”

  “Your dad is smart. He’s a good judge of character. If there was anything to worry about with Noah’s parents I think he’d be able to tell. If his dad talked to yours then you just have to wait until Noah’s ready to talk.”

  “What if he never is?” Max says in a very small voice.

  “Then you’ll just have to learn to deal with that.”

  “Maybe my dad would tell me more if he knew…if he knows how very much Noah means to me. If he knew that Noah was so much more than just a friend maybe he would be able to settle this horrible dread for me. I’m just…I don’t know, Kitty Cat, I just can’t lose him.”

  “You’re not going to lose him. He’s crazy about you,” Tabitha assures him.

  “I don’t know. He doesn’t really say how he feels about anything really,” Max says and he sounds so sad that I hate myself for not being able to just tell him. I love him, I really do. I wouldn’t risk whatever it is I think I’m risking by being with him if I didn’t love him. Why can’t I just say it?

  “Max, he loves you. Do you think he’d be with you if he didn’t? After the way he reacted at first you have to know that he means it. This isn’t a whim, Max. You didn’t see the way he was looking at you tonight. I mean, it was more than just the whole star struck thing that half of the room was feeling. That boy loves you. Be patient with him. Give him time. I’m not saying don’t be aware and make sure you’re there if or when he needs you but for now just let it go and let yourself be happy.” Thank you, Tabitha.

  “He kissed me,” Max says and I can hear the smile in his voice. “In front of hundreds of people he kissed me. Yeah, it was a crowd of strangers but it still meant a lot to me.” I think about that kiss and it makes me want to smile but I keep my expression neutral and continue to feign sleep until I eventually do fall asleep.

  The sound of a slammed car door wakes me. I sit up and blink groggily. “Where?” I mumble. Max looks at me in the mirror.

  “Almost home,” he says. “We just dropped off Tabitha.” He makes a move to put the car in gear but I stop him.

  “Wait,” I say and I slip out of the back seat and into the front seat quickly. Before I put my seatbelt on I lean towards him and wrap my hand around the back of his neck and pull him towards me. I hope the kiss I give him says enough. I hope it says the things I can’t say out loud yet. When we break apart he smiles.

  “I love you, Noah,” he says and then he starts to drive. It’s only another ten minutes to my house from Tabitha’s but I’m almost asleep again when we get there. Maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight. Max leans over and takes my chin in his hand and kisses me lightly.

  “You should put some ice on that,” he says as he kisses the corner of my mouth. It does feel a little swollen from my experience in the mosh pit. “I love you. Get a good night’s sleep, Mon Coeur.” He kisses me one last time and then I practically sleep walk my way to the house.

  Mom is still up when I walk in and she sees my injured lip immediately. I assure her there was no fight or anything, just an overzealous pit. She finally lets me go after I tell her all about the night, leaving out the kissing, the panic attack, Bryce and his muscles. I probably gush a little too much about Max’s performance but Mom doesn’t seem to notice.

  She follows me down the hallway to my room, stopping at her own bedroom door. I can hear the light sounds of Dad’s snoring. “By the way, your hair looks great. I love you, sweetheart.”

  “Love you too, Mom.” I go to bed and it’s only after I’m under the covers and turning the light off that I realize she didn’t come to tuck me in and say goodnight. Maybe she finally realizes I’m growing up too.

  February

  January concluded without too much excitement. I’m finally off the drugs. Dr. Cooper still wants to see me weekly but I’m Xanax free. It’s taking more getting used to than I thought it would. I don’t know if I’m feeling a slight withdrawal, physically or mentally or both or if it’s just me in general. I’m okay though.

  I hate February. It’s so cold and the days are so short. It seems like it’s always dark and it’s been cloudy more days than it’s been sunny. The first weekend of the month Max went skiing with his dad and Sammi. They invited me along but dying on a ski slope is not high on my list of ways I would like to go so I declined. I should have gone if for no other reason than to see Max in the cold for extended periods of time.

  My dad was sick and grumpy that weekend. He had some kind of sinus thing and Mom kept complaining about his dirty tissues all over the house. Being stuck in the house with them was almost as bad as Max being away. Both of them were giving me a headache. By Saturday afternoon Mom was practically shoving me out the door. She accused me of “moping” around the house like a typical teenager. I tried to run but it was too cold.

  Tabitha and Darcy saved me from boredom and patricide (seriously, Dad is the worst patient in existence) by taking me to a movie in Lancaster. I definitely needed to get out of the house. Tabitha was especially attentive on the drive there and asked me a ton of questions and tried to engage me in general. I think maybe Max put her on Noah babysitting duty or something.

  By today, Monday, I’m so craving Max that I can barely restrain myself from kissing him in the hallway at his locker. We had texted a few times over the weekend but he was mostly on the slopes and had his phone tucked away so I found myself missing him a little too much.

  At lunch he shows me some pictures. He complains about the cold a LOT. I have no idea why he even goes skiing. A lot of the pictures are of Sammi. This is her first winter on skis. There are a couple of shots that Mark must have taken of Max showing Sammi how to do a snowplow stop. He’s an awesome big brother.

  I don’t get the kisses I was craving like a drug all weekend until after dinner. Max comes over to work on a chemistry project. It’s the truth too, not just an excuse to hang out or anything. After saying hi to my parents he comes to my room and closes the door and locks it.

  “You shouldn’t lock it,” I say.

  “I have to lock it because I don’t want anyone walking in on this,” he says before wrapping his arms around me and kissing me until I can’t breathe. It usually makes me really nervous to do these things at my house. I’m always halfway convinced my parents will catch us.

  He breaks off the kiss and holds my face in his hands looking at me and rubbing his thumbs lightly over my cheeks and I have to close my eyes because I feel like I’m going to start crying for no reason. I have no idea where that feeling came from. Maybe it’s just that I missed him so much while he was away that I’m a little overwhelmed.

  After he kisses me again he holds me close and puts his head on my shoulder and whispers, “I love you so very much, No.” He sounds sad when he says it and I have no idea why that is.

  He tells me he loves me every single day and I sort of think it’s because he hid his real feelings for so long that now that he’s allowed to express them he takes every opportunity to do just that. Or maybe he thinks I need the reassurance. I haven’t been able to say it even once. I hope that somehow he knows.

  Sleeping, or th
e lack of, continues to plague me through the rest of the week. I can’t blame it on Xanax or lack of Xanax anymore because I should be pretty well clear of any and all chemicals by now. I don’t mention it at my weekly session. I’m still hoping that it will even out on its own without medicinal intervention. There have been no panic attacks and no real anxiety so I’m going to ride it out and hope sleep eventually comes to me.

  Friday night the movie is new at the local theater so a group of us gets together. It’s kind of cold to walk so Max drives. He also has Tabitha, Darcy and Elliot in the car. I climb in the back between Darcy and Tabitha. I’m glad the theater is close because it’s a tight fit.

  The movie is an action movie with an emphasis on action and not so much on the plot. I’m almost asleep and I’m glad there’s not a lot of dialogue to follow. Max keeps shoving the popcorn at me and I make a half-hearted attempt at eating some since he dumped his milk duds in it because he knows I like it.

  I want nothing more than to just rest my head on his shoulder but it’s not THAT dark in the theater and Elliot is right on the other side of Max. I slump further and further into my seat and eventually my head ends up on Darcy’s shoulder. She pats my head absently and reaches into the popcorn bucket. I can feel Max looking at me throughout the movie. Whenever I catch him looking I smile. I hope he can’t tell how forced it is. I’m just SO tired!

  Of course we go to the diner after the movies because it’s what we do. I order a hot chocolate and nothing else. Darcy tries to force some fries on me.

  “Come on, Noah,” she coaxes, “We don’t want you to get all skinny again. We prefer the thin version of Noah to the skinny one.”

  “I had something at home before the movies,” the excuse comes so naturally that I wonder if I even know when I’m lying anymore. The truth is I feel half sick in the stomach. I have for the better part of the week. It’s not anxiety because I’m really not anxious at all. I’m not really anything. Maybe the lack of appetite is tied to the lack of sleep and when one improves the other will.

  Max taps my foot under the table and smiles at me when I look up at him. I force a smile in response. Elliot is talking music with him so his attention is a bit divided. I don’t think he notices that my smile isn’t real. I’m so tired that I think I actually might get some sleep tonight so I slide out of the booth and start shrugging into my coat.

  “What are you doing?” Max asks.

  “I’m really tired. I’m just going to head home and go to bed,” I tell him the truth. He looks concerned then stands and puts on his own coat.

  “I’ll drive you. It’s freaking ten degrees out there,” he says. I don’t bother to argue. “I’ll be right back,” he tells the table in general.

  We’re quiet on the walk to the car. He’s parked at the end of the block and we’re both shivering by the time we get in the car. He pulls away from the curb but only goes around the corner before he parks the car. He sets the emergency brake and turns to me.

  “Tell me,” he says.

  “Tell you what?” I’m not even playing ignorant. I’m so tired that I’m confused.

  “Tell me what it is. Just TELL me, Noah,” he insists. I stare at him blankly. He takes my face in his hands and kisses me. For the first time ever his kiss doesn’t give me butterflies. I’m not even sure why because it still feels good and I kiss him back but I’m just…numb. That’s not true actually. I’m not completely numb because when I realize the butterflies aren’t coming I start to cry. I can’t control it. It’s ridiculous and an overreaction and I’m not really sure where it’s coming from but suddenly I’m overwhelmed. It’s got to be sleep deprivation.

  Max unlatches his seat belt so he can reach me better and he pulls me into his arms. “Noah, please,” he pleads. “Whatever it is it can’t be bigger than you. It can’t be bigger than US. Let me help you!” As usual when someone shows me compassion I just cry even harder. His arms tighten around me and I clutch at him as if I’m going to be ripped away from him.

  “I’m just so fucking tired!” I cry out between sobs.

  “Are you sleeping at all?” He strokes my hair and I shrug.

  “A couple hours here and there. It’s not enough. It’s…I just really need to sleep.”

  “What do your parents say?” he asks softly. I shake my head.

  “They don’t know how bad it is,” I admit.

  “Noah, you have to tell them. You have to see a doctor or something,” he insists.

  “No, I don’t want drugs or anything. I’m sure it will even out. I mean, you can only go for so long without sleep before your body simply demands it, right? I think I’m going to sleep tonight. I’m really tired. I’m really sure that I’m finally going to sleep.” He doesn’t seem convinced but he doesn’t push me. He kisses me chastely then wipes the tears from my face kissing my cheeks and my eye lids when he’s done.

  “If you aren’t sleeping again by next week I’m telling them,” he says as he releases the brake and pulls out into the street again. I nod. I have no doubt that he’ll do that. I have to hope I can sleep by next week or Max will tell Mom and Dad and they’ll tell Dr. Cooper and I don’t want that. Insomnia is NOT anxiety and I don’t need drugs for this. I don’t and I won’t.

  When we get to my house Max pulls into the driveway and sets the brake again. He leans towards me to kiss me and I back away abruptly. I can’t do this here in front of my own house. What if someone looked out the window? Max sighs.

  “Do you think it has anything to do with us?” he asks. Again I’m confused. Lack of sleep really makes me slow. I wonder how long it will be before my grades are affected. I have to spend some extra time focusing on homework this weekend. Or maybe I should just lie in bed until I have no choice but to sleep. “Noah?” Crap, I totally forgot he asked me a question. What was it again?

  “What?”

  “Noah, is it us? Is that why you can’t sleep? Is it because you’re so afraid that you just can’t relax?” I kinda love him for trying to figure me out but at the same time I really wish he wouldn’t. I shake my head.

  “Sometimes you’re the only bright spot in my day,” I admit. I look towards the house, to the drawn curtains and the dark windows and I dart towards him to give him a quick kiss. He stops me from pulling away again and his kiss is long and sweet.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says and I get out of the car. I stand in the driveway and watch his taillights disappear and I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt. What the Hell is that all about anyway? I’ll see him tomorrow. I yawn and go inside to find Mom still awake but Dad is already in bed.

  “Noah? Isn’t it a little early?” Mom calls from the kitchen when she hears me come in the house. I hang my coat and wander out to the kitchen.

  “I got really tired. I figured I’d just come home and go to bed early,” I tell her.

  “Are you hungry? I could heat up some dinner. Your dad made some chili today. Or I could make a sandwich or something if you don’t want chili.” I shake my head.

  “No, I’m not hungry, thanks,” I say as I sit at the table. Mom has lesson plans spread out but she looks at me instead of going back to work.

  “You did eat something, didn’t you?” she asks.

  “There was candy and popcorn and stuff at the movies and then we went to the diner,” I tell her. It’s not a lie really.

  “I’d rather you have a healthier diet but as long as you’re eating something…” Mom’s words trail off and she looks back at her work on the table.

  “Goodnight, Mom,” I say and I head to bed. Mom comes in after I’m settled so she can say goodnight.

  “Everything is really okay?” she asks and I force a broad smile.

  “Everything is great,” I tell her. I lie there in the dark for a long time. My eyes are so heavy and I’m so tired I feel it in my bones and I just can’t seem to fall asleep. Maybe I’m not running enough. Maybe I need more physical activity so that I can sleep at night. It seems like most
of the stupid month of February is nighttime but I spend it lying awake.

  I count sheep. I think of Max. I try to remember my favorite quotes from his wall. I try to remember how the butterflies felt the last time I felt them. I try to do calculus problems in my head. I hear my Dad stirring to start his Saturday before I finally close my eyes and fall asleep.

  ****

  I hang out with Max on Saturday and stay over and I’m actually able to get a few hours of sleep. At least he witnesses this fact and I no longer worry as much that he’ll go to my parents.

  I was hoping that after a good night’s sleep one night that everything would turn around but it’s not to be so. Sunday night sees me trying unsuccessfully to sleep. Monday morning I’m struggling to get out of bed. By Wednesday I’m not sure if I can fake my way through a session with Dr. Cooper.

  I’m actually getting a bit nervous about it but then it’s like heaven heard my unspoken prayer because I get a text from Mom telling me that my appointment must be rescheduled. Apparently there was some kind of emergency. I don’t know if the doctor himself had an emergency or if it was a mental health crisis. All I know is it gets me out of my Wednesday session.

  By Thursday I’m so tired I don’t even go to lunch. Max asks me every day how I’m sleeping and every day I tell him it’s not so bad anymore. I’m not sure if he believes me. I’m only in the auditorium for about ten minutes when he sits in the seat next to me.

  I’m sitting sideways in the seat with my legs over the arm of the chair and feet hanging over the next seat. I’m trying unsuccessfully to get comfortable. I’m never going to fall asleep like this. I’m about to give up when he slips into the seat next to me. He was so silent creeping in here that I don’t even realize he’s here until he speaks.

  “What are you doing, Noah?” he sighs.