Behind the Falls

by Brenda Zalegowski

  “I’m trying rather unsuccessfully to get comfortable,” I snap. I regret the tone instantly but I can’t help being cranky when I’m sleep deprived.

  “Come here,” he tells me as he stands and reaches a hand towards me. I reluctantly take it and let him lead me where he will. He doesn’t go far. He sits against the front of the stage with his back to it then motions for me to sit next to him. The carpet is soft. “Lie down,” he instructs me and I lie down next to him with my head in his lap. This is much better than those stupid chairs.

  He strokes my hair and occasionally leans down to press his lips to my cheek or my temple and sometimes my neck. He runs a hand up and down my back lightly. He takes my bottom arm, the one that’s lying face up, and he tickles his fingertips down it. He lingers at the inside of my elbow, my wrist and the palm of my hand.

  I had no idea that the palm of my hand had so many nerve endings. Why does it make my toes curl when he traces his fingers over my palm like that? After a while I realize he’s tracing an infinity symbol across my skin. I smile. I get lost in his eyes for a while. They’re so deep and I can see my reflection in them by the small amount of light in the room. I imagine that reflection of me is forever…like I’m his forever and he’s mine. I realize I see that every time I look in his eyes.

  “What are you doing? You’re supposed to be asleep,” he tells me quietly.

  “I’m just thinking.”

  “What are you thinking?” he asks and I realize I can’t tell him what I was just thinking. It’s too sappy. It’s too naïve. It’s too…improbable if not impossible.

  “I was thinking that the first time I saw your eyes I thought of a Husky dog,” I tell him.

  “My eyes are like a dog’s?” he laughs.

  “Well you know how they have such amazing, crystal blue eyes,” I explain. “I thought that’s kinda what your eyes look like. I also thought those dogs look a little possessed.” He laughs over the last part.

  “So you’re with me even though I have possessed dog eyes,” he teases.

  “It’s one of the things I love about you,” I blurt it out without thinking but if the word love strikes anything in him he doesn’t let on. It’s not like I said I loved him anyway.

  “What I really like is your crooked grin…the one that shows your dimple. I think that’s the real reason I’m with you,” I say and he laughs again.

  “I have a smile like a stroke victim,” he doesn’t do self-deprecating very well and I laugh.

  “I was actually thinking that when I look in your eyes and I can see my reflection there that it’s like forever,” I finally admit.

  “You see forever in my eyes?” he whispers. I nod because I don’t think I can count on my voice anymore.

  “I love you, No. Get some sleep now,” he kisses me and I close my eyes. I don’t really sleep. I relax. My thoughts get weird and jumbled like I’m almost about to start dreaming but real sleep doesn’t come. Max shakes me gently when it’s time to leave.

  “Do you have plans on Saturday?” Max asks as we walk to our lockers.

  “I don’t know. Do I have plans on Saturday?” I bump him with my shoulder. He should know that if I don’t have plans with him I don’t have plans at all.

  “I want to take you out,” he says. “I mean, you and me…a date.”

  “I can’t do that, Max. You know I can’t…” What is he thinking? I couldn’t even put my head on his shoulder at the movies.

  “I want holding your hand in public. I want kissing you whenever I feel like it. We can go out of town, as far away as you want. It can be like when we were in Harrisburg. No one will know us. Just say yes!” he’s smiling and how can I say no? The truth is I want to kiss him and hold his hand and be like it was in Harrisburg too.

  “Of course I’ll go out with you,” I tell him.

  Max tutors on Thursdays so I don’t see him after school. After dinner I get a call from Kimber. I haven’t talked to her in a while. I bring her up to speed on what’s been going on with me.

  We talk for a half hour then it’s time for both of us to finish homework and go to bed. I miss her so much but I’m really in no hurry to see her. Going back to Illinois means leaving Max and that thought makes me feel physically ill. I’ve been worrying about that in that separate part of my brain but more and more it’s been taking center stage. How exactly can he be my forever if we’re going to be torn apart at the end of this school year? I’m still tossing and turning over this when Mom and Dad come in to say goodnight.

  On Friday after chemistry Max tells me to load my backpack with the books I’ll need for my afternoon classes. I have no idea what he’s thinking but I do as he says. He doesn’t attempt to get me to the cafeteria. We go straight to the auditorium. As he did yesterday, Max sits with his back against the edge of the stage. Today he pulls lunch out of his backpack. He hands me a sandwich and a bottle of water.

  “PB&J?” I snicker.

  “It would be fluffernutter but we were out of marshmallow fluff. Just eat it,” he teases.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Eat it anyway.” I struggle through half a sandwich and a bottle of water. Max also has fruit and granola bars but I turn those down and curl up with my head in his lap to sleep.

  “We’re going to your parents,” he says as he strokes my hair. “You can’t keep going like this. How do they not see how exhausted you are?”

  “I’m fine,” I argue.

  “Noah…” he starts.

  “No! I’m not bothering my parents with this and I’m not going to a doctor. I’ll be fine! Just leave it,” I sit up and grab my backpack. I can go sit in the cafeteria and not be hassled.

  “Okay, I’ll give it a few more days. Just shhh, relax okay?” I glare at him for a minute then I lie down again. This time I actually sleep and he has to wake me up when it’s time to go to class.

  Max drives me home from school. He holds my hand the entire drive. We can at least do that much. When he drops me off at my house he doesn’t kiss me even though I know he wants to. I want him to as well but it’s daylight right in front of my house. My parents do talk to the neighbors.

  Max and Tabitha are going to Lancaster to see a band. Max wanted me to go with them but after the panic attack I had at the last club I decline. If Max was going to be playing again I would go, panic disorder be damned. I go to bed early Friday expecting to sleep because I’m so tired but of course it doesn’t happen.

  Was it like this before? Certainly I’m not going to go through that again. I was so much younger then. This is just insomnia. This isn’t constant anxiety and panic and being unable to leave the house. This is just lack of sleep. Maybe if I stopped worrying about it I would sleep.

  On Saturday I spend the day with my parents. We go to some flower warehouse for Mom and to some wholesale club for Dad. We hit up a huge farmer’s market and an antique store. I tag along quietly. In the car on the way home they both ask me questions about how I feel, mentally and physically, since being off the drugs. I tell them I’m great and the beaming smile I shine at them must convince them because they don’t say much about it after that.

  When we get home Mom makes a late lunch and I force it all down even though my stomach clenches at the thought of food. I don’t need to give them more reasons to worry now that they seem content with my insistence that everything is just fine.

  I actually fall asleep after lunch. It’s a long nap and no one disturbs me. I wake up around four and I feel pretty good. I take a shower and get ready for my date with Max. I smile just thinking about it. I’m going on a date. It’s so weird if I think about it too much but when I look forward to it without too much thinking I’m happy or at least happy-ish. The truth is I’m still a little numb emotionally. Maybe the Xanax isn’t totally gone.

  I told my parents Max and I are going out of town for a movie and we’ll grab something to eat before or after. It’s close enough to what we’re doing. I’m going to stay over at Max’s
house when we get home.

  “Noah, you’re going to wear out your welcome,” Dad says sternly when I tell them this plan.

  “Oh come on, that’s not true. Mark and Lydia always tell me I’m welcome any time and besides, it’s too cold to run outside. If I stay over I can run on the treadmill before breakfast.” Dad shrugs and I have him convinced.

  I take a little more care with my hair and my clothes than I normally would just to go to the movies. Mom notices and asks if Tabitha and Darcy are going to be joining us. I think she has it in her head that I’m interested in or even dating one of them, she just hasn’t figured out which one yet. If life is kind she’ll never really figure it out.

  Max comes in when he arrives. My parents do not like curbside honking regardless who it is picking me up and why. They think it’s rude to the neighbors and disrespectful to whoever is being picked up or something. He has the lip piercings in again and the eyebrow but not the nose and his ears are bare. I didn’t realize how much I really missed his piercings until he got them back again. I mean, that’s just Max to me.

  My parents make small talk for a few minutes then Mom goes into the kitchen to work on dinner and Dad retires to his office. He’s got a meeting soon with his editor and agent and he’s been doing last minute revisions on the book.

  Max takes my hand as soon as I get in the car but he doesn’t kiss me until we’re on the road outside of town. It’s just a quick peck on the cheek while he’s driving. I want more but I’d rather get to where we’re going in one piece.

  “When did you do that?” I ask indicating the piercings. He smiles.

  “This afternoon…you don’t mind do you?” he glances at me as if he’s actually worried about it.

  “I can’t wait to find out what it’s like to kiss a boy with a pierced lip,” I admit then feel myself blush furiously. “What about your dad? Wasn’t he angry?”

  “I asked him first. It turns out that it was the rebellion that pissed him off the first time,” Max says.

  “Does it hurt?” I ask. He answers by leaning over and kissing me fiercely at a stop sign to prove how much it in fact doesn’t hurt. I’m glad. Going out of town tonight wouldn’t have been as exciting if we weren’t going to be kissing.

  We end up going to Lancaster. Max made reservations to eat before the movies so we go to the restaurant first. It’s not a chain restaurant and the atmosphere is kinda laid back comfortable but it’s really nice at the same time. After we order Max reaches for my hand across the table. He kisses the back of my hand and then holds it while we talk and wait for our food.

  “This is why we drove a half hour,” he says as he squeezes my hand and smiles. At first I’m a little uncomfortable with the public display. I can’t help looking around to see if anyone notices and if they’re staring. I keep expecting to see someone I know even though the likelihood of that is just about nonexistent. By the time our food comes I’m more relaxed.

  “First date?” the waitress smiles as she sets food in front of us. Max is still playing with my hand. He looks at me and grins and my face gets hot.

  “Technically yes,” is all Max says as he squeezes my hand. The waitress smiles again and tells us to enjoy our meals as she goes to the next table. Now that a nameless faceless stranger has acknowledged that I’m on a date with another guy I realize it’s not that painful. Of course she has no investment in me or my life like my parents do so it doesn’t really count.

  “I’ve been thinking about your major dilemma,” Max says after we’ve been eating and talking for a few minutes. I’m thinking he means my insomnia or, crap, maybe Mark finally told him about my panic disorder. Or maybe it’s something else. I don’t know. My heart rate picks up noticeably.

  “What dilemma?” I ask cautiously.

  “You know, what you should major in when you go to college,” Max says and I think my sigh of relief must be audible. “This is just an idea and maybe you should start out undeclared but how about graphic design? I mean, you’re great with computers, you’re very creative and you’re crazy good with numbers. Maybe it’s worth looking into? I don’t know. It was an idea.” I think about it as I chew.

  “It’s actually not a bad idea,” I say. I smile. “I think I might do some research.”

  “I think you should,” Max smiles at me. We’re quiet for a few minutes before Max breaks the silence again.

  “My dad asked about you,” he says.

  “What do you mean?” I ask quietly and I’m nervous again.

  “He asked if there’s something going on with us,” he runs his fingers through his hair. He looks troubled. “I lied to him,” he admits. “I don’t lie to my dad. It feels wrong. I don’t know how long I can keep lying to him, No.”

  Now my heart is really racing. I put down my fork. I’ve completely lost my appetite. I have to force myself to chew and swallow the bite of lobster ravioli that’s in my mouth. It doesn’t taste good anymore and I follow it with half of my glass of water.

  “Max, you can’t tell him,” I gasp. The look on my face must be pure terror. He reaches across the table and takes my hand.

  “He won’t tell your parents, No. You don’t have to be afraid of my dad.” I shake my head.

  “Please don’t tell him,” I whisper. This only works because it’s a secret I keep. This only works because I don’t have to analyze it and wonder and worry and fret over what it means about me that I’m in love with him. If people know they’re going to want to understand. They’re going to want explanations I can’t give. I get up from the table abruptly and head for the restrooms.

  I don’t feel sick exactly but I don’t feel right. I splash cold water on my face. Eventually Max joins me. He doesn’t say anything, just stands behind me as I try not to freak out too much. I hang onto the edges of the sink and try to steady myself with my breathing exercises. Finally, Max puts his hands on my shoulders and squeezes.

  “I won’t do anything you don’t want,” he says soothingly in my ear. “You’re okay. I won’t let anything happen.” I think it’s his reassuring voice that calms me even more so than the breathing. I turn to him and wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him. I’m not quite sure what I’m apologizing for. Is the apology because I’m asking him to lie or because I’m not strong enough or because I freaked out and made him worry about me again? Maybe it’s for all of those things.

  “Don’t be sorry. I love you. I won’t do anything that would hurt you,” he assures me.

  “You deserve more,” I tell him and it’s true. “You deserve someone that you don’t have to take to another town just to hold hands. You deserve someone that’s worthy of you. I’m just…not.”

  “Shhh, none of that,” he chides. When I have myself together again we go back to our table. I’m not hungry any more. Max tries to get me to have dessert but I just can’t. When the check comes, Max takes care of it then leans across the table to kiss me.

  After dinner we have some time and the theater is close by so we walk slowly holding hands. Soon, we’re both shivering and Max puts his arm around me. I return the gesture and rest my head against his.

  We hold hands in the ticket line. We’re chatting quietly while we wait and he leans towards me now and then for a kiss.

  I feel eyes on me before I hear the voice. “Fucking faggots,” grumbles a voice in the line somewhere behind us. I want to automatically pull away from Max but he puts an arm around me and pulls me closer. He kisses me again and when Max kisses me I can’t not respond so I return the kiss.

  “You’re never going to see any of these people again,” he whispers in my ear. “And if there happens to be any trouble I’m more than capable of handling it, okay?”

  I nod but I can’t help feeling nervous until we get into the theater because Max can fight. He knows Taekwondo and can take care of himself but what if that faceless voice in the crowd can fight too? What if he’s bigger than Max? What if
he has a gun? I’m shaking by the time we get inside and it’s not from the cold although I let Max think that it is.

  I tell Max to get the small popcorn because I really can’t eat. He compromises and gets a medium sized bucket. The movie is a comedy. I left it up to Max to choose. It seems whenever I leave it up to someone else to pick a movie they choose a comedy. I guess I need to act happier or something. It’s nice being able to rest my head on Max’s shoulder while he has his arm around me. He feeds me a piece of popcorn every few minutes. After like the tenth piece I get daring and lick his fingers. He just smiles at me for a moment and then we’re kissing and the movie doesn’t matter anymore.

  When the movie is over we walk slowly back to the car, arms around each other. I wish I could have this every day at school. I wish I could have this in my own home.

  I fall asleep in the car on the way home and Max lets me sleep. He wakes me gently with a kiss in the Maxwells’ driveway. I practically stumble into the house behind him. He’s carrying my bag because I forgot all about it in the back seat.

  “Max?” calls Mark when he hears the front door open and close.

  “Yeah?” Max follows the sound of his dad’s voice to the kitchen. I follow reluctantly. I do not want to face Mark Maxwell right now. Mark is leaning against the counter with mail in his hand. He gives a slight frown at the envelopes in his hand before looking at Max.

  “No one thought to get the mail today,” Mark says. “I remembered it about an hour ago.”

  “Anything good?” Max asks as he takes a bottle of water from the fridge. He holds it up and raises an eyebrow at me and I nod. He gets another bottle.

  “You got mail,” Mark says and his face breaks into a smile that I only now realize he was trying to hide. “University of Hawaii and Hawaii Pacific both sent some rather thick envelopes.”

  Max crosses the kitchen in a flash and takes the envelopes Mark is holding towards him. He tears into one then the other with a huge smile on his face. He skims the cover letters then gives a woop and immediately covers his mouth with his hand. The younger Maxwell children are sleeping.