by Adele Huxley
I knew it was ridiculous. I knew I was being stupid, but they don’t call them irrational fears because they make sense. The day after Christmas, as I stood in the shower mentally beating myself up, I’d realized what my problem was. Deep down, despite everything we’d shared and the connection I felt with her, I was afraid Liz would leave me once she found out who I used to be. It wasn’t the The Blizzard’s reputation or all the bullshit Angela had dragged into my life that worried me. It was the comparison. Whether she meant to or not, she would look at him and then look at me. How could I compare? This scarred, broken version of myself with no future and a past I tried desperately to forget. What a catch.
As the hot water beat down on my face, I’d laughed at myself. At least my therapist will be happy I made some type of breakthrough. But knowing my issue didn’t make it any easier. In fact, it made it so much worse. It made me feel like my sheer presence, the face I showed her every day, was a lie. “This isn’t me,” I felt like saying. “The real me died two years ago. What you see in front of you is just a shitty photocopy.”
Liz’s voice broke through my thoughts. “Bry,” she said with a nudge.
“Huh? Wha—sorry,” I said noticing everyone looking at me. “I didn’t sleep very well last night,” I explained.
Morgan giggled and kicked a little snow towards Liz. “Oh yeah? You shouldn’t keep this poor boy up. How long have you guys been together?”
“I uh...” she said as she looked at me, obviously struggling for the right answer.
Looking to capitalize on the situation, I poked her in the side. “Yeah, how long have we been together? I’m curious.”
“You ass!” she cried, poking me back.
It felt good. With a beer or two in our systems, the conversation flowed easily. Even Spencer loosened up a bit. Aside from Liz and Walt, I felt like these two were a couple of people in Tellure Hollow I could see actually connecting with. Morgan was such a down-to-earth girl and Spencer, despite his awkward shell, had a dry humor I could appreciate.
The evening was closing in and the fire glowed brighter in the dim light. As Morgan threw another log on, a spray of sparks floating into the sky, I pulled Liz close and whispered in her ear. “You were right. I’m glad we came.”
“Of course I was right. You better get used to that,” she said as she kissed me on the cheek.
At that moment, Noah hooted loudly and clapped his hands together, the sound amplified across the frozen water. “Hey man, didn’t think you were gonna make it!” Liz tensed in my arms, head whipping around to the sound. I followed her gaze, knowing almost subconsciously what I was going to find.
Rick stood in a tan sheepskin coat, the collar pulled up around his neck, making him look like some kind of pimp. Noah rushed towards him like a kid greeting his dad after a day at work. He lifted his chin in that macho guy greeting as they clapped hands together, but I could see he was scanning the crowd for someone.
“You said he wasn’t going to be here,” I whispered through my teeth.
“Kayla promised. Oh, for fuck’s sake,” she said without much conviction. I’d heard her swear louder over dropping a fork on the floor.
I watched her for a moment to make sure my gut reaction was right. The way her eyes tracked him without surprise convinced me. “You knew he was going to be here,” I stated simply.
She rounded on me, eyes wide. “How could you say that?”
“Come on, seriously. You were afraid to come by yourself and knew I wouldn’t come if I knew he’d be here too.” I didn’t have it in me to be angry, especially considering all that I was keeping from her, but it was still irritating. I wouldn’t have had that third beer if I’d known I needed to keep my wits about me.
Liz studied my face for a moment before relaxing a little. “Alright, fine. Yeah, I knew he was going to be here but I figured of all places and times, this would be the safest.” She plucked at the hem of the long jacket, looking so much like a little girl caught in a fib. “I want to talk to him, with people around, and get a feel for how serious this is.”
“After everything he’s done, you aren’t convinced at how serious this is? He had a gun...” I hissed, my eyes locked on his movements. He’d spotted us. While he hadn’t outwardly reacted, I could tell he wasn’t too pleased with the way Liz was draped all over me.
“You had a gun too, but you weren’t planning on using it,” she countered quickly.
She had a point but it was pedantic. We both knew Rick was dangerous, with or without a gun. We sat in silence, at an impasse, until I finally patted her on the knee.
“Go on. Just promise me you’ll stay in sight. Don’t go anywhere with him and if—”
“Okay, okay. I’ll be fine.” The tone in her voice made me grit my teeth. She spoke to me as if I hadn’t been there at the gas station, as if I didn’t know what he was hanging over her head.
“If he makes you uncomfortable in any way, signal to me and I’ll come over.”
Liz heard the edge to my voice and nodded. “Okay, sorry. It’ll be alright. I don’t plan on giving him much air time.” She paused and chewed on the inside of her cheek. “I’m glad you’re keeping an eye on me,” she said before climbing up from my lap.
Morgan and Spencer had gotten into their own private conversation which was just as well. I had to pin my concentration on Liz and Rick. My eyes darted between them as she picked her way around the pond. As she drew closer, Noah slinked away with a grin on his face, looking like a jackal giving way to the lion. He returned to the blonde’s side but watched the scene unfold. Their position put them directly opposite with the fire between us, blinding my line of sight.
I tried to move casually, standing and stretching with a brief nod to Morgan as I left the circle. Even if Rick didn’t see me as a threat, I’m sure my presence made an already volatile situation more combustible. If he knew I was watching, he made no indication.
While they were too far away to read their lips, I tried to read their body language. He towered over her but she didn’t seem to be frightened by his imposing size. She stood facing him straight on, arms crossed, weight back on one leg. I knew she must’ve been terrified but no one would’ve ever guessed it by looking at her. Despite my apprehension, I felt proud of the way she was handling herself. After a few minutes, she began gesturing in frustration. The smile on his face grew wider. At one point, he held out his hands as if to say, “What can I do?”
From this distance, I couldn’t see her expression but it was obvious their conversation was growing more heated. My stomach knotted and I resisted the urge to rush over there. Although he was keeping his cool, I was afraid Liz would push him too far and he’d lash out. Rick was the sort of guy who didn’t need to be pushed to turn to violence. For him, brutality was always right at the surface. It made me sick, but I had to trust she knew him well enough to avoid a full confrontation.
Suddenly, she threw her beer bottle at him, narrowly missing his head. He dodged away at the last second, the bottle falling harmlessly in the snow behind him. I moved quickly, heading around the pond to break it up, but Liz threw her hands in the air and screamed. “You’re such an asshole!” Everyone stopped to look as she spun on her heel and stormed away, leaving Rick looking amused on the surface but obviously angry at to core. I waited to see if he’d follow before I chased after.
By the time I reached her, she was halfway up the hill, walking towards the cabin at a fast clip. My leg and hip screamed in protest as I slipped and jogged towards her, calling her name. After a few shouts, she stopped in the middle of the trail and turned around. “What did I ever do to deserve this?” she cried. “It isn’t fair. I just can’t...” She fell into sobs as I drew near, wrapping my arms protectively around her.
“Come here,” I whispered.
“What did I do? Why did I do this?” she repeated softly. The more she said it, the more it felt like she was pleading with the Liz from the past. How I wished I could’ve met her before t
his whole thing had started.
“It’s gonna be okay,” I said in an attempt to soothe her.
“You can’t say that, you don’t know.” There was no anger in her voice, only resignation. It wrecked me to hear this fireball of a woman reduced to the point of giving up.
“What did he say?” I said lifting her chin. She peered up at me, her dark makeup smudged around her eyes. I tried to wipe it clean with my gloved thumbs.
“It doesn’t matter, there’s no hope. We should run away like we talked about,” she said with a sniff. I heard the crunch of snow to my right and saw Kayla teetering up the hill in those ridiculous heeled boots. I had to give it to her, she was moving better than I would’ve expected in shoes like that. Of course, she was leaving the slope gouged behind her.
“Lizzie!” she called out. “Are you alright? What happened?”
I bit back a string of expletive-laced comments as she came near. Trashing Liz’s best friend, no matter how much I disliked her, wouldn’t exactly win me any favors here.
“What do you think happened? He was an ass,” she said with another sniff, wiping her wet cheeks.
With a glare at me, Kayla rubbed Liz’s back. “Why don’t we go up to the house and get you cleaned up?”
“That’s a great idea,” I said, tightening my arm around her shoulders.
Kayla squinted at me. “Might be better just us girls, give us a chance to talk and all,” she said with a fake smile.
“After what just happened, you’re a fucking idiot if you think I’m letting Liz—”
“Bryan, what about trespassing?” Liz said, putting her hand on my chest and stepping out of my arms. “If you stay here and keep an eye on them, I’ll be okay. I need to pee anyway and I’m not going in the woods,” she half-laughed through the tears.
Liz’s words strengthened Kayla’s bitchy possessiveness, like she was saving her from me or something. I didn’t want to let her out of my sight but also didn’t want to make another scene. Besides, something she said had triggered an idea. I took a deep breath and held it, the cold air stinging my lungs.
“Fine,” I said with a sharp exhale. “Take your time.”
I returned to the party, mulling over my thoughts. Someone had jammed a couple dozen bottles of beer into a pile of snow, so I grabbed one on the way. If things went sour, at least I could use it as a weapon. Plus, it gave me something to do with my hands. My nerves were on fire. Standing by myself and to the side, if there was ever a time Rick would approach me, now would be it. The shed was a few steps to my left, the pond and a smaller fire in front of me, standing with my back to the cabin. In retrospect, this was one of the biggest mistakes I could’ve made.
Sure enough, as I stood sipping my beer casually, Rick sauntered over. “Gotta say, when Beth was my girl, she didn’t dare talk back like that. You’ve gotta get her under control.”
My grip tightened around the bottle. On some level I was impressed by how he always managed to find the one thing that could get under my skin. I raised the bottle to my lips and pretended to take another sip. “I’m of the camp that believes women can do what they want.” I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. “It’s a relatively new idea. I know you’ve been living under a rock your whole life, so you might not have heard about it. I understand if you’re afraid of her.”
He barked a loud laugh. “That’s good,” he nodded looking at me. “In any other circumstance, I might actually like you.”
“Ah, you mean if I wasn’t sleeping with your ex?” Even as the words fell from lips, I couldn’t believe I’d said them. It was low-hanging fruit but I saw an opportunity to actually get to him, to maybe crack that horrible facade and goad the angry guy beneath. But to do it, I’d have to put on a mask of my own. I felt the persona of The Blizzard coming through just a little, that cockiness, arrogance.
I saw it, just a flash in his eyes but he quickly recovered. “Sure you are. Real funny guy.” He laughed again, but I could tell the seed had been planted.
“No really, it was sweet. To be fair, we’ve only been screwing a little over a week. Get this. She actually said it was my Christmas present to her,” I hesitated, not sure if I should push it even further. It was one of those moments that could’ve gone in one of two directions and you’re left wondering “what if?” What if I’d just kept my damn mouth shut? What if I hadn’t pushed so hard?
Rick scowled as he looked at me, searching my demeanor and tone for the truth. I kept my voice casual, knowing that it would get to him the most. I looked around dramatically, as if making sure the coast were clear. “Truth is, I’ve never been with a virgin before. Pretty intense experience. A lot of pressure, if you know what I mean.”
He grabbed my elbow and pulled me a few steps closer to the shed, away from the closest group of people. It wasn’t too forceful, but enough to imply he wasn’t asking me to come along. I might’ve had a bum leg, but I still knew how to throw a right hook. If he tried anything, I’d at least get a good crack in. The rest of the party seemed oblivious to the confrontation, which was just as well. I wasn’t looking to pound his face in. I wanted to talk, but first I had to break through that shell of his.
“I know you were really worried about me being able to meet her needs,” I continued.
“Oh, fuck off,” he scoffed, his breath coming out in a white cloud.
I shrugged casually, as if it wasn’t a big deal. “She was pretty nervous the first time but judging by the sounds she was making, I think I did pretty well last night. She definitely didn’t have any complaints.”
That did it. His jaw clenched. He wheeled towards me, looking like a bear ready to attack. He shook his head. “She wouldn’t dare.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Are you serious? After everything you’ve done to her, even in the last couple days, you think she’d hold out for you?” My lip curled in amusement and disgust. “You should be thanking me. I’m pretty sure at this point she would’ve thrown it to any guy who looked twice at her.”
“Thin ice, man. You’re walking on some very thin ice.” His teeth glimmered in the firelight, adding to the animalistic posturing.
I should’ve been satisfied but part of me thought if I’d been able to push him to this point, I might be able to get through on another level. I cocked my head and grinned. “I took your advice and told her everything. God, fame is such a panty dropper, even if you just used to be famous.” I tried to look at him as if he weren’t ready to rip my head off. “Wait, you haven’t forgotten who I am, have you?”
“You’re a dead man, that’s who you are. I’m gonna fucking kill you.”
I took another sip of my beer and smiled as if the whole situation was comical. Inside, I was quivering with a potent mixture of anxiety and rage. I hated the things this guy had done to Liz but if I could keep it together long enough, I might be able to make him go away for good.
“Tsk tsk,” I said shaking my head. “Threatening bodily harm with all these people around. What would Officer Dylan have to say about that?” I turned to face him, lifting my chin and meeting his gaze dead on. “I know all about the...arrangement you made with Liz. Can’t say as though I approve, but I’m not going to tell a man what to do with his money. But now that the investment has been spoiled...” Rick’s teeth audibly gnashed together as he grabbed a fistful of the front of my jacket. I didn’t flinch. “Hey now, I’m in the position to compensate—no, reimburse you.”
“The hell are you talking about? You can’t unring that bell and so help me, if you rang her bell...” His fist tightened, pulling the collar closer to my chin.
Morgan let out a loud cheer. I glanced towards the pond to see her jumping around with a hockey stick thrust in the air, celebrating a goal she’d made with a crumpled beer can. Rick was also distracted by the sound, the break in eye contact just enough to weaken his grip. I knocked his hand away and took a step back.
“If you’re interested in actually talking numbers...” I said, gesturing
to the back side of the shed. “I’d prefer if this weren’t done in public. The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth as it is. I have a reputation to uphold.” I hated how easily this shit was pouring from my mouth, almost as if someone else inside me were using my voice. It was working so I decided not to fight it.
He took a step towards me in anger, fist balled at his hip, but paused. Ah money, that’s what really makes this guy tick, huh? I thought. Money and control, but mostly money. He loosened his fist as he scratched at the stubble on his cheek and chuckled. His dark eyes remained constant on mine. “Something tells me you’re full of shit but I’ll hear you out.”
It was a risk dipping further into the shadows with him. No risk, no gain, my dad’s voice said in the back of my mind, though I doubt my dad ever had this particular scenario in mind. I’d broken through and exposed Rick’s soft spots. Now, I had to find a way to summon the worst of The Blizzard and strike a bargain.
I crossed my arms and swallowed the bile rising in my throat. The only time I’ve spoken about the accident was in the safety of my therapist’s office. I hadn’t been able to bring it up to Liz, someone who I could see myself seriously falling for. Now, I was about to lay it out to this creep. All for her, I reminded myself. We stood with our backs to the shed, facing the fire.
“So you say you know who I am?” I began, my tone filled with arrogance.
He shrugged. “Noah said you did some skiing. So what? Everyone out here skis. You’re a big fish in a little pond.”
My laugh was genuine. Leave it to Noah to undersell my skills. “Little pond, eh? I was a fucking Olympian,” I lied. Half-truths were coming a lot easier and besides, I’d been close enough. One bad turn was all that had stood between me and that title. I shook my head. “If you knew who I was, you’d think differently.”