by Simone Elise
Which was beginning to strike fear in the underbelly of London.
Jax
I lit up another cigarette. Another party, another reason to get drunk. Yet, here I was at the bar, women everywhere, and I could only think of one.
One with perfect curves that I loved to explore. One with those sharp eyes that stared straight through all the bullshit. One that was always in control. Those lips of hers, how sweet they were, and how she was always up for anything I wanted to do.
I exhaled on my cigarette. I still didn’t know if she was a devil or an angel. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Couldn’t turn her off. It was killing me knowing she was in another country, living a new life. One far, far away from me.
Katie put a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off. I wasn’t in the mood. I hadn’t even so much as glanced at another woman since Amber had left. There was only one woman I wanted in my bed, and she was in fucking England.
“Can we talk?”
I turned to see Troy. What did he want? It was fair to say when he said things were going to be business and business alone, he wasn’t lying. Our years of friendship were gone.
He blamed me for losing his sister.
And it was my fault, so I didn’t hold it against him.
I nodded my head and got up, following him to the boardroom. I closed the door after us, blocking out some of the noise of the party.
“What’s up?” I said, butting my cigarette out in the ashtray.
“You.” His eyes hardened. “What you are doing hasn’t gone unnoticed.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“You haven’t touched another woman. You haven’t so much as even argued at one of my points and now, now you are acting like I’m in control.”
“What’s wrong with that? Didn’t you want to be in control?”
“I’m not the king!” He basically yelled. “Your job is to always put the club first! It’s in your blood!”
Yeah, I knew I was letting things slide. Yeah, I knew I wasn’t living up to my responsibilities, but Troy had everything under control. Wasn’t like I had completely turned a blind eye to the club.
“Everything is going fine.” I shrugged. “I don’t see the problem.”
“You need to step back up.” Troy was saying that like I wasn’t going to. I would one day. Maybe on the same day I had Amber back because, right now, I wasn’t functioning without her.
How could I lead a group of men, all expecting me to have their back, when the only woman I loved… well I broke her heart and made her move to another country.
“I didn’t want to do this, but I don’t see another option.” Troy got his phone out and I didn’t know what he was doing until my phone buzzed in my pocket.
Pulling it out; it was a message from Troy. My eyes widened when I saw that it was a contact. Amber.
“Call her. Get it out of your system.” Troy said. “I know she can take it now. She’s stronger and I spoke to my Aunt today. Amber’s really settling in there. Rarely is home and is excelling at her studies so I know a phone call from you she can take.”
“She excelling in her studies?” I looked at him like he couldn’t be serious. Amber never did school. She couldn’t care less if she passed or failed.
“Maths apparently.”
“She hated maths.”
“Well now she is an A grade student in it. She’s moved on Jax. Time for you to do the same.” He walked past me. “I know you calling is just so you can move on because I’m telling you now, Amber doesn’t care anymore. Hell, she even asked how you were the other day, like you were just one of the many.”
Was he trying to hurt me? I turned to read his expression. Nope. He was just stating facts. Amber had asked how I was. And she really had acted like I was one of the many. I clenched my phone tighter.
Troy left and I followed him out to the party but I was even less interested in the party now. I took the stairs two at a time. I was going to call. I was going to hear her voice. Not overhear one of those stupid video calls.
Although I wouldn’t mind face-timing her to see her face.
I unlocked my door and closed it. The party was a dull roar now.
I unlocked my phone and dialed her number.
I hoped she answered out-of-country calls.
I waited for it to connect and then, when it started to ring, my heart basically slowed. What if she didn’t want to hear from me? What if the last thing on earth she wanted was to hear my voice? That grabbed my heart; after how I’d treated her, I shouldn’t even be calling. I knew I had made a mistake and went to hang up.
“Hey Tae, look, everything went smoothly but I’m telling you now this is going to backfire on us,” Amber spoke into the phone, like she had been too busy to check the caller ID. Didn’t even realize it was an out-of-country call. “Tae?”
Who was Tae? What was going to backfire on them? My eyes narrowed. She was up to something. All this time I had thought she had moved on from this life, and suddenly I was getting the feeling she had just moved to another country and got herself involved in something else.
Something I couldn’t protect her from.
“Tae, I don’t have time for games! It’s late! You know very well I don’t do mornings. And that advance math class is at eight.”
I frowned. Do I say something? So, she really did have a thing for maths.
I cleared my throat. Yep, I was going to do it. I was going to talk to her. “It’s not Tae.”
Whoever that was.
If I had been with her now, I could bet she was wearing that cute frown on her face.
“Wait a sec…” Amber said into the phone, and I heard muffled noises. “Who is this?”
She didn’t even recognize my voice. That hurt. “Um, it’s Jax.”
Silence. It was deafening.
Was she just going to hang up and block my number? Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me after how I’d treated her. I had piled onto her about trust, how I wanted her to trust me, and then me not trusting her in the end.
“How are you?” Her voice was steady; no emotion. Her normal wave of happiness when she spoke to me wasn’t there.
I didn’t answer because I don’t think she would really want to hear the answer.
I was lost without her.
How was I? I was a mess. A failing, epic mess.
“Jax, are you ok?” Her voice was still steady; no emotion.
“No.” I blurted out. I was nowhere near ok. I couldn’t be described as ok. I was fucking depressed. The only woman I wanted, the only woman that would make me feel better was in fucking England.
“Talk to me, what’s wrong?” Amber said, as if putting what I did aside and still having an interest in why my life was going to shit. “Are you having problems with the club?”
For once in my life, I didn’t give a fuck about the club. Maybe that’s what was wrong with me. When Amber had left, I realized the club didn’t even come close to her. I had said I couldn’t have her cost me the club but, in the end, she had.
“I don’t give a fuck about the club.” I blew, and sat down.
“Come on Jax, we both know that isn’t true.” Her voice was kind, soft, like velvet; so welcoming. “You love the club.”
Was it possible that Troy was right? Amber had got her life together. Right now she was proving that to me. She had moved on. She had the ability to have a conversation with me, when I flat out broke her heart and then said every hurtful thing possible, but she was putting that to the side.
The old Amber wouldn’t be speaking to me right now.
“I don’t anymore,” I said, and that was putting what I was feeling mildly.
I had let my pride get in the way of us. I had let the club get in the way us. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was my purpose, and now I was lost without her.
“What has you saying that?” Her voice was gentle. Like she wanted to comfort me.
“You.”
“Jax
, you ended us,” she said bluntly.
“I was wrong, Amber. I was so fucking wrong. Please just come back home. Please! I’ll do anything. Just come back.”
She went silent.
I took a shaky breath in. “I should have trusted you. I’m sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am. If I’d listened to you and not Mai, you wouldn’t have left.”
I heard her sigh. “Come on Jax, you are better than this.”
“What do you mean?” It was all the truth. I wasn’t better than anything and I wasn’t above begging for her to come back. “Please come back.”
God, I needed her back. I needed to see her. I needed to touch her. I needed to see that smile of hers.
“The Jax I knew wouldn’t be letting an old relationship get in the way of his club. The Jax I knew would be over this and onto something else. You should be planning your next move, increasing members, banding out your empire,” she blew out; I was hooked on every word she said, loving the sound of her voice. “The Jax I knew wouldn’t be calling me.”
“The Jax you knew was a dickhead,” I said bluntly. It was the truth.
She laughed. “Yeah he was, but he was always a good leader.”
I smiled, hearing her laugh. I had made her laugh. I never thought that was going to happen again. Hearing her laugh eased all my nerves. Made my permanent frown disappear.
“Come home Amber, please?” I begged. “I need to see you.” Need didn’t even come close to how I felt. I couldn’t function without her. I couldn’t keep going without her. “Please, Amber.”
She sighed again. “Jax, you don’t need me. Do I need to remind you, you broke up with me?”
“I was a dick!” I admitted.
“No Jax, you said facts. You love the club. You can’t have anyone get in the way of the club. And now you don’t have anyone in the way. The only one stopping you, is you.”
She was speaking the truth, but what she was leaving out was that I did have one person stopping me. Her. She was missing. I knew now that she would never cost me the club. She was just going to support me, as she’d said. She only wanted to make my life better and somehow, I’d screwed that up.
I’d pushed the only woman capable of leading beside me, away - to another country!
“Amber, I can’t…” How do I say this?
“You can,” she said firmly. “You can lead. You can make the club bigger, better. You can do it.”
She had faith in me, pity I didn’t have the same faith in me.
“I need to see you,” I said. My need to see her was killing me.
“Ok, then facetime me.”
Was she serious? She was seriously going to let me see her? After everything I’d done?
“You serious?” I said, not believing her.
“Yes.”
“Alright, I’ll be one second.” I didn’t want to hang up on her just in case she didn’t answer my call when I called again. Was she just asking me to facetime her so she could get off the phone to me?
“Ok,” she said, not sounding like she was blowing me off.
I hung up and facetimed her. My heart rate increased when I read the ‘connecting’ on the phone.
She actually answered.
Then there was a black screen.
“Give me a sec,” she said, and then the lights came on, and my screen lit up. She was frowning, and squinting from the light. “Ok, that’s bright,” she said, and yawned then looked into the camera, a frown on her face again. “You look tired Jax.”
I had given up on sleep. I couldn’t sleep. Not without her.
“You look great.” I said, matter of factly. She looked fucking perfect. Her black hair fell forward, and I frowned. “You cut your hair.”
“Yeah, it was getting too long. And in the way.” She moved on the bed, and I noticed a tattoo on her collarbone.
“New ink?”
She frowned and then realized I had seen her tattoo on her collarbone. “Oh yeah.” She smiled. “Got it when I got here. Thought it was about time I made a mark on my body, and not someone else.”
“What is it?” I looked closer, trying to work it out; looked like writing.
“It says exhale the past,” she answered me and shrugged. “Sort of was fitting.”
Was I the past she was exhaling? The small smile on my face that appeared when I saw her disappeared. She really had moved on.
“So, what have you been doing?” I asked, wanting to have a normal conversation with her. How many times had I wondered what she was doing? How many times had I just wanted to call her, just to know was she ok?
She smiled, and it was a full blown smile. “I’d tell you, but you wouldn’t believe me.”
I arched my eyebrows. “Your brothers have reason to be worried about you, don’t they?” She already had me worrying. But I was starting to think maybe there was more to it now. What was she up to?
“I’ll have you know, I can look after myself.” She said smugly. “And…” She got up and the camera followed her as she walked through her bedroom and then her face disappeared and I was looking at math notes, “I’ve just been studying.”
“Advance maths, hey?” I said, taking in the figures. “You hate maths.” It was a statement, not a question or a maybe; it was a fact. Amber was allergic to homework and anything to do with school.
“That was when I didn’t think it was important,” she said, and the camera was back on her. “So want to explain the whole club thing?” She arched an eyebrow at me, knowing me too well.
“Don’t want to talk about the club.” I wanted to talk about her. I wanted answers to all my questions. One that was bugging me from when she picked up the phone. “Who is Tae?”
Her expression dropped and she looked up in shock. “Um well… um.” She nervously frowned. “Not important.”
“Nah, don’t give me that line sweetheart. Who is he?” Was he her boyfriend? Had she not just moved on with her life, but also her love life?
She sighed. “He is someone that is very important in my new life.”
I knew immediately she was down-playing it. She had moved on. Not just in life, but in her love life as well. She had someone who was now very important in her new life.
Like her tattoo said, exhale the past. Well, I was that past.
“I’m happy for you.” And I was; she deserved to be happy. She deserved this new life. Hell, she deserved a better life than I could ever give her. And now she was getting it.
“I’m not dating him.” That cute frown of hers appeared on her face again and she looked down. She was nervous. “After what happened with you, I’m never letting anyone get close to me again,” she muttered; I barely heard her.
I sighed. “Just because I screwed up doesn’t mean you should wipe men out completely. I was a dick, Amber. Not all men are like that.” I didn’t want to say it, but she had just said Tae was an important part of her new life. “Maybe this Tae could be the right guy.”
One that wouldn’t take her for granted. One that would see how important she was before he lost her because that was what happened to me; I didn’t know how important she was in my life until I’d lost her.
“He’s not.” She scoffed. “I’m never giving someone that power over me again. Hell, I still haven’t got myself back together after you!”
“Yeah you have sweetheart. You are more than fine without me.” I smiled dimly, only stating a fact. She had moved on. She had picked up the life I had trashed by being in it and she had somehow, well, turned her life around.
“No, I’m not. I’m nowhere near fine,” she said, like I should’ve known that, and that ‘everything is fine’ expression dropped and I saw the hollowness in her eyes. “You nearly killed me Jax.”
The guilt I felt was crushing me. The weight of it. The hollowness in her eyes. That was my fault.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart. I really am,” I said. She would never know how truly sorry I was, and I was sure she was never going to let me make it up to
her. “Just because I treated you like shit, doesn’t mean another man will.”
“I’ve learned my lesson when it comes to men. Blake hurt me physically and you, well…” her words dried up. We both knew what I had done
I watched pain split across her face for a second; then it was gone.
“Like I said, you will find a guy that will realize how important you are.” I knew it would happen. She was stunning, beautiful and perfect, and I wasn’t just talking about her body. Her attitude, her unconditional love for her family, and her faith in the people she loved; all that made her the perfect woman.
And I was an idiot for letting her go. Hell, I’d pushed her away.
She pursed her lips and nodded her head. “Maybe one day I will risk it again, but not now, and not for Tae.”
“Why, is he not as good looking as me?” I had to cut the tension somehow and she rolled her eyes, a small smile on her face.
“You know, no one is as good looking as you, but that’s not the reason. Tae actually is pretty fit.”
“Fit, hey? You sound British.”
She laughed. “No, I mean physically, not as in attractive. He pushes me to my limits.”
I arched my eyebrows at that. What did she mean her limits? Was she talking about in bed?
“Not like that!” She picked up on my expression. She knew what I was thinking. “He is, well…” She sighed. “You actually know him.”
“I don’t know anyone called Tae.”
“You do.”
“No I don’t. I don’t know anyone in England, well apart from you.”
“His name is Tae Neal Smith,” she said, like I should know what that means.
I just frowned. “No idea who you are talking about sweetheart.”
She rolled her eyes. “Of course you wouldn’t know him personally, he keeps a low profile. Well, not here, but back home. I think he has only visited twice, and I met him once.”
I frowned still. “So you knew this Tae guy from here?”
“Tae Neal Smith, Jax!” she repeated. “I helped you sell guns to them! Well, his empire at home that is. His one in England is larger.”
“You helped with TNS.” I said, not making a connection, but recalling how mature she had been when she’d handled that deal, and how they’d trusted her. Then it hit me slowly. Tae Neal Smith - TNS. “YOU’RE WORKING FOR TNS!”