Family and Other Catastrophes

by Alexandra Borowitz

  She tried not to cry. “David seriously just walked out of the house this morning and nobody has seen him. Mom was no help at all, Dad is still at the Ritz, and I have no idea who else to ask. I’ve texted Mark and Kevin already, and they both said they haven’t heard anything from him.”

  “I’m sure he’ll show up in time for the wedding,” Jason said, nonchalantly. “Dude probably just went to get a beer and have one freaking moment to himself. Mia, no! You don’t get to kick people. That’s not how we do things. Use your words.”

  “It’s not like that,” Emily said. “He barely spoke to me last night. And nobody drinks a beer in the morning.”

  Jason shrugged. “I’ve already had two today.”

  “Okay.” Lauren pulled Ariel onto her lap. “So maybe David left because he’s pissed at you right now. But that doesn’t mean he’s not coming back.”

  “I’m not just going to wait around for him!”

  Jason paused to think. “Did you text Nathan?”

  “Why would David choose to hang out with him at a time like this? Nathan drives him crazy.”

  Her phone buzzed. She eagerly checked it. “It’s a fucking calendar alert. I have my hair appointment with Eva in fifteen minutes.”

  “Wait, you’re going back to her?” Lauren said. “I thought you hated her for wrecking your hair.”

  “I have a two-for-one coupon, and I don’t want to waste money. Also, my hair is kind of the least of my concerns right now.”

  Lauren shrugged. “Okay, so skip the appointment.”

  “Are you kidding me? I don’t want to look ugly.”

  * * *

  “Ah, yes,” Eva said as Emily settled into the chair. “You the lady who get very angry about the hair.”

  “Yeah. That’s me. I’m over it. I have bigger issues to deal with.”

  “Bigger issue is when your town mayor steal your only pair of Levi jeans to pay off his mob debt. Bigger issue is when pet rabbit thrown out window to ward off evil spirit that make your dog make sex with grandfather clock.”

  “Does that happen in Russia?”

  “Who say I from Russia? So what is your bigger issue? It couldn’t be bigger than when my last husband was stolen by twin sister saying she was me. He still believe it.” She stared sadly into the mirror from behind Emily.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “Pfffft. That not big issue. Come back when baby born with head of goat.”

  “That happened in your village?”

  “No, it just a saying. You don’t say that here?” She shrugged. “It mean bad luck with money.” She tied the plastic cape in the back of Emily’s neck and brandished a curling iron.

  Emily nodded. “Well, the father isn’t very happy about the baby. Or maybe he’s just mad at me for not telling him about it. I don’t know.”

  Gabrielle, who had been flipping through her thick binder of hairstyles, rushed over at the sound of the word baby.

  “You’re pregnant, oh my gosh!” she said, hugging Emily’s neck. “This is amazing! How could David be angry? Oh, he’ll adjust. He’s just freaked out! Who could blame him? I’m sure he’ll be fine by the time of the wedding. Even though our baby was planned, when Mark found out about it, he scheduled a boys’ trip to Vegas and lost a thousand dollars on blackjack. Men are so weird.”

  “You tell husband night before wedding?” Eva gave Emily an incredulous look in the salon mirror. She lowered her voice to a secretive whisper. “That not smart. What you do—you wait until after honeymoon, then you tell. Then he cannot leave even if paternity test is false and it belong to mayor.”

  “It’s his baby. He just freaked out that I didn’t tell him right after I found out.”

  “He the real baby. In my village, when woman get pregnant, all men in town bring their guns out to town square for dancing and shooting ox.”

  “Well, in America, men are usually pretty freaked out when their girlfriends get pregnant accidentally.”

  “Nonsense. He forget everything at wedding. Like we say in my village, men are like shallow pond—they catch fire easily.”

  “What?”

  “They have quick temper. Then they get over it. He just need vodka. Also in my village we have problem with ponds catching fire because of pollution. So what kind of hair you want for the wedding?”

  “Loose curls!” Gabrielle squealed. “Sorry, you get to choose—but my vote is for loose curls!”

  “What about Jennifer’s vote?” Emily asked. “I don’t know how much longer we should wait for her.”

  “She hasn’t been responding to my texts,” said Gabrielle. “I hope she’s okay.”

  “Fuck. This is so typical. Loose curls it is.”

  * * *

  Emily sat in her bedroom in her white strapless wedding gown, which, though it had been let out a little, was still dangerously tight around the expanding waist and bust. Gabrielle had done her makeup using her new products from Sephora—matte and soft, as she put it. Emily couldn’t look at herself in the mirror. She felt like Miss Havisham haunting a spooky Victorian manor in her old wedding dress. Lauren and Maddyson, both wearing their bridesmaids dresses, looked at their phones, avoiding what Lauren no doubt would have called “the gorilla.”

  “Where the fuck is Jennifer?” Emily finally asked.

  “Oh, that reminds me,” Gabrielle said. “I should check my phone. I turned it off to save battery.” She opened her gold clutch bag to retrieve her phone.

  “You’re low on battery? How is that possible? You’re the most organized person ever.”

  “Oh, I’m not low. I just wanted to conserve it in case there was some emergency and I needed a fully charged phone. Like, what if there’s a blackout?”

  “Don’t say that,” Emily said. “That’s the last thing I need. Maddyson, have you heard from Nathan?”

  “Nope,” she said, swiping through her phone and lounging back on Emily’s bed. “I have no idea where he is.”

  “When was the last time you saw him?”

  “This morning. He just took my mom’s car and drove off somewhere.”

  “Seriously?” Emily’s heart raced as she sprung up. “Nathan took off for no apparent reason? Fuck, Lauren, that’s a clue! Nathan never leaves the house, ever. That’s what David is doing. He’s with Nathan!”

  “Maybe,” Maddyson said. “What’s the big deal?”

  “Emily told David she’s pregnant and he freaked out,” Lauren said, as if recounting the plot of a boring Kate Hudson movie.

  “You’re pregnant?” Maddyson said. “Shit.”

  “Don’t,” Gabrielle snapped. “Don’t freak her out.”

  “No, I mean, she looks good for being knocked up,” Maddyson said. “No offense, Gabrielle.”

  “Thanks,” Emily said. “Weirdly, that does make me feel better.”

  “Now I see why your boobs are so huge,” Maddyson said. “Hashtag, jealous.”

  “Oh wait, I missed a call from Jennifer!” Gabrielle smiled and swiped her phone.

  “Call her back!” Emily said. “Ask her where the fuck she is!”

  Gabrielle rang Jennifer. Her brow raised in relief when Jennifer picked up, but her facial expression quickly changed to one of disappointment and confusion. “Oh, hey, Jennifer? Yep, thanks for picking up. We’re all sitting here wondering where you are. The wedding starts in—oh, really? Are you serious? Do you want me to tell Emily? Yeah, well, she is going to be mad. Jen, wow. Are you serious?”

  “What? What is it?” Emily asked.

  “Okay, Jen, I’ll call you back later.” Gabrielle hung up and turned to Emily. She exhaled deeply. “Jennifer can’t make it.”

  “Can’t make what?”

  “The wedding.”

  “The wedding? She flew out here for my wedding! She’s a fucking bridesmaid. What
could possibly have come up?” Emily hated the fact that she was screaming while wearing a bridal gown, which probably made her look crazy, but this was just too infuriating for her to worry about how she looked.

  “Apparently Kevin thought she hooked up with Jason and lost interest in her. She was really upset about it. So last night she splurged for a ticket to Los Angeles to see her ex-boyfriend. Apparently he’s still in love with her and she felt like everything with Kevin was a sign that she should go back to him. You remember her talking about Carl, right?”

  “Los fucking Angeles? Carl? She couldn’t have done this after the wedding?”

  “I’m just the messenger,” Gabrielle said weakly, her hands in her lap.

  “Well, this is just great. I’m one bridesmaid short.”

  “I say we make the best of this,” Maddyson said. “Let’s pop some champagne.”

  “Sorry to be a downer,” Emily said. “But fifty percent of the people in this room are pregnant.”

  Maddyson shrugged. “I’ll have some then.” She took a bottle of cheap strawberry champagne out of her oversize tote bag and untwisted the cap, drinking directly from the bottle. She took a quick selfie before screwing the cap back on.

  Emily looked aghast. “Where did you get that? You’re eighteen.”

  “Nathan gets me alcohol sometimes. In return, I let him touch my hair.”

  Emily was not going there. “Speaking of Nathan, we need to find him,” she said.

  “Jason knows Nathan better than either of us do. He’ll find him.”

  * * *

  “How about some tunes?” Jason asked. Lauren was driving and he was riding shotgun. “We need some finding-the-groom music!” He pumped his neck forward and back like a clucking chicken.

  “No,” Emily said from the back seat. “I don’t want to listen to anything right now. What’s Nathan saying?”

  “Seriously, Jason, do your job,” Lauren said.

  Jason looked at his phone “He says...and I quote... ‘Good sir, my brother has entrusted me with his privacy. I have no honor if I give this information to anyone who asks.’”

  Emily lunged forward, reaching for the phone. “Let me have your phone. I’m going to kill him.”

  “No, we can’t be mean to him,” Jason said firmly. “We need to speak his language. We need to get him to agree to give up the info. Otherwise he’s just going to get off on this whole ‘honor’ thing.”

  “Jason’s right,” Lauren said. “Nathan gets bullied all the time. Telling him off won’t intimidate him. If anything it will encourage him. He loves the ‘me against the world’ narrative.”

  “Okay, fine,” Emily said, sitting back. “Jason, is there anything you could offer him? Anything he really wants?”

  Jason paused to think. “There is one thing.”

  “What?”

  “I could take him out on the town in New York City. I offered it to him after the bachelor party, mostly because I was drunk, but I think he really wants to do it. He wants me to show him how to talk to girls.”

  Lauren rolled her eyes. “Right, because you’re such an authority.”

  “Whatever,” Jason said, texting Nathan. “I’m a hell of a lot more of an authority than he is. I’m pretty sure the only girls he talks to are cartoon characters.”

  Jason’s phone buzzed.

  “What, what?” Emily asked.

  “He went for it. He’s telling me where David is.”

  “I love you,” Emily said.

  * * *

  The patrons of Jojo’s Ice Cream Shoppe in Fairfield turned and stared as Emily rushed in, pushing the door open so fast that the little bell around the doorknob rang and smashed against the door as it slammed shut. The vibrations from the slamming door caused the pink-and-white-striped awning outside to shake. Emily looked around and saw a couple with a young child looking up from their banana splits to gawp at her. The pudgy teenage cashier stopped chewing her gum and stared. It was only then that Emily remembered she was wearing a wedding dress.

  Nathan and David were seated by a window. They were in their tuxes, which Emily took as a good sign. David’s face, however, told another story. He looked sullenly into a barely eaten ice cream sundae that was made to look like the face of a teddy bear.

  “Seriously?” she asked.

  “I just wanted a moment.”

  “You had your moment. What were you going to do, not show up to our wedding?” Emily was too upset to care that the teenage checkout girl was taking a video of her. She could imagine the viral clip on YouTube now: “Epic Ice Cream Bride Fail.”

  “He had no intention of jilting you,” Nathan said. “I would never permit him such an indecorous gesture.”

  “Thanks, Nathan, but he’s being pretty fucking indecorous already.”

  “Let’s talk outside,” David said. He got up, and noticed Lauren and Jason outside the front window, staring into the shop. He sat back down. “Fine, let’s talk here. Nathan?”

  Nathan made a deep ceremonious bow and peeled off. Emily sat down. David resumed morosely eating his ice cream sundae.

  “Why would you do this?” she asked.

  “I just needed some time alone to think.”

  “You’re being such a child!”

  “I’m not being a child!” he said, stabbing his spoon into the teddy bear ice cream sundae. He lowered his voice. “I just...”

  “Yeah?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”

  The words started tumbling out of her. “I don’t know, I just... I’ve had so much pressure on me this week with my family and the wedding, not to mention your job and... I screwed up, I know I did, but...”

  “It’s not about stress. I’m going to be your husband and you can’t even tell me you’re pregnant? What the hell was your plan?”

  “You can do better than me!” Emily blurted out, fully aware that everyone was staring, but no longer caring. She was holding back tears. David looked taken aback.

  “Why...why would you think that?”

  “Just look at us! You were popular in high school, I wasn’t—”

  “Oh, come on, we’re adults, who cares about—”

  “Let me finish.” Emily inhaled deeply. “You’re handsome, you’re smart, you’re successful—”

  “Not really anymore.” David smiled self-effacingly. “I’ll allow ‘handsome’ and ‘smart,’ though.”

  “You will be successful, though. If not with Zoogli, somewhere else. You have everything going for you. I don’t know why you’re even marrying me! Am I like...some kind of reliable starter wife? Or are you subscribing to the idea that ugly girls are more grateful and give better blow jobs, which I know I’m very good at?” She heard some fourteen-year-old boys laughing from behind giant sundaes. At the very least, she had given them a funny story. She shuddered to think that all the funny things she witnessed in public were the ends of other people’s lives.

  Although she feared her comment would insult David, he started to laugh. “You’re not ugly by anyone’s standards, Emily. You know how when you walk into a room, you think everyone is staring at you because you’re ugly? They’re staring at you for the opposite reason. I’m flattered that you think I would marry someone I find unattractive for the sake of a good personality, but come on. You think I’m that deep? Of course I think you’re beautiful. It’s one of the many reasons I’m with you. You’re caring, you’re smart, you’re funny in a way that so few people are, you don’t judge me, you like all the weird food shit I like, you and I can stay up till two in the morning making each other laugh...and, actually, your blow jobs could use some improvement. Not enough hand use. But it’s okay, we have sixty years to work on that.” Emily was too busy holding back tears to worry about the teenage boys knowing her blow jobs were subpar. Sixty years
with this wonderful man. She wished it could be two hundred.

  She couldn’t help staring at the ice cream bear. “Are you going to finish that?”

  He slid the bear over to her.

  * * *

  The wedding party was mustering in the lobby of the Ritz. Gabrielle checked her phone. “Well, now we’re missing the bride and the groom. I don’t know if that counts as progress.”

  “Wait, here they come,” Mark said, spotting Emily and David, followed by Lauren, Jason and Nathan.

  Gabrielle embraced Emily. Her black binder cut into Emily’s back. “Ow.”

  “Sorry.” She spoke in a hushed tone. “Is everything cool?”

  “I think so. I don’t know. I hope so.”

  “What’s up, motherfuckaaaaas?” Emily wheeled around. It was Stephanie Morris, the old high school friend she had seen at the airport. “You have got to be kiiiiidding me!” Stephanie shouted, running over. “You look amaaaaazing!”

  “Stephanie!” Emily said. “What are you doing here? I thought you had a bonfire...”

  “Oh, that fell through. The dude who was supposed to provide the peyote couldn’t make it. Plus, I figured your wedding would be way more awesome. I know I don’t technically have an invite, but that’s so lame, you know? I can’t believe your mom wouldn’t let you invite your best friend!”

  “Best—”

  “You look so hot. Your boobs are so big, Emily! When did that happen?”

  “Since I got pregnant.”

  “Whoa,” she said, covering her mouth. “That is like, a normal person’s life on molly. But not during the high. After the comedown, when you’re depressed.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Can I be a bridesmaid? Can I please? I’ve never been one. No one’s ever asked me, not even my sister, that bee-otch! I know I’m not wearing the exact same dress, but I’m wearing peach!” She motioned to her casual long sundress. To her credit, it was peach, but it was strapless and patterned.

  “I say, let her,” Gabrielle whispered. “She’s far more dedicated than Jennifer would be. And besides, didn’t you want the number of bridesmaids to equal the number of groomsmen?”

  Christina arrived, holding Mia in her arms. She came over and joined the rest. “Emily!” she gasped. “You look beautiful!” Mia’s hair was curled. She was wearing a mint-green flower girl dress with white patent leather Mary Janes. “Jason, where’s your tux?” she asked.