Family and Other Catastrophes

by Alexandra Borowitz

  Jason was wearing a faded tee with a picture of a big-eyed kitten under the words Pussy Monster.

  “I’ll change,” he said sheepishly.

  “Just turn it inside out,” Emily said. “You don’t have time. I’d rather you look like an idiot at my wedding than not be there. Although to be clear, that T-shirt is a disaster nonetheless.”

  “I heard about Jennifer,” Christina said, ignoring Jason. She gave Emily a deep, perfumed hug. “It is what it is. But what a bitch.”

  “Yeah, we’re kind of one bridesmaid short,” Emily said. “I feel like such a loser.”

  “Oh, I’ll step in!” Christina said. “I knew I’d be escorting the little ones down the aisle for the procession, so I wore the right colors!” She motioned to her dress—a knee-length peach chiffon cocktail dress with beige pointed-toe pumps. Her hair was done up in an effortlessly pretty chignon, and her earrings were ivory pearls. She looked like a J.Crew model.

  “The thing is, Stephanie also wants to do it.” Emily motioned to Stephanie.

  “Who are you?” Christina asked, only just then noticing Stephanie.

  “I’m only Emily’s best friend from high school.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Christina said. “I’m Emily’s former sister-in-law. I think if anyone should take the missing bridesmaid spot, it should be me. Your dress is also extremely inappropriate. This isn’t Coachella.”

  “Seriously?” Stephanie said. “Her former sister-in-law? I’m her current best friend!”

  “I...don’t want to be mean,” Emily stammered. “But Stephanie, I haven’t even seen you in years.”

  “You saw me at the airport, dude.”

  “I meant, you know—on purpose.”

  “Whatever,” said Stephanie, not showing a hint of being insulted. She turned to Christina. “I say we both do it. Girl power.” They both turned to look expectantly at Emily.

  “Fine,” Emily said. Then she laughed. “Fine.”

  * * *

  “We are gathered here today to witness the union of David Porter and Emily Glass,” the officiant, Katherine, who had come highly recommended on Yelp, said, “who have come all the way from San Francisco to wed in the presence of their families.”

  “Woohoo! San Francisco!” shouted Stephanie, standing with the other bridesmaids. All eyes turned to her. “I’ve never been, but I’ve heard it’s cool. So awesome that you guys live there. Represent!”

  “Emily and David met a few years ago at a start-up expo event, as they said in their email to me,” Katherine said. “One might say this is an unexpected place to meet your future spouse, but their love has only grown through the years. Today, they will join together in a union of loyalty and devotion. They have written their own vows. Emily?”

  “Oh, um...” Emily stammered. “I never got around to writing mine. So I guess I’ll be winging it.” She heard murmurs from the wedding guests. Who were these people? Her parents invited way more friends than she had expected. She looked out at a sea of Judy Steins. At least Dr. Leibowitz didn’t seem to be there. Maybe Marla got the message after all. Emily cleared her throat.

  “Some of you already know this, but this has been an insane week. First of all, I’m pregnant.” There were gasps and giggles. “Yeah, I know. And I was so busy with that, and freaking out about it, that I didn’t tell David or write my vows. This is basically the shittiest thing I’ve ever done. So I’m just going to say—I don’t know, I guess, just...” She turned to him. “David, I’m sorry. I was wrong to hide this from you. I know you’ll be a great father. I’ve never doubted that. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you and I’m really kicking myself for it.”

  She turned to the guests.

  “This wedding is kind of a mess,” she said, feeling as if she might laugh or cry or both. “My parents aren’t staying in the same house—”

  “Emily!” Marla snapped.

  “Well, it’s true, Mom, and everyone knows. Not to mention, one of my bridesmaids is missing because she decided it would be reasonable to go to Los Angeles today instead of coming to my wedding. And, of course, none of that compares to the fact that David and I had the biggest fight today that we’ve ever had. But I guess that’s life. Life is just...it’s just one long shit show. And David, there’s no one I’d rather go through it with than you, because there’s no one in the world who can make me feel as calm as you do. Whatever happens, whatever scary shit life throws at us, I know I can handle it as long as I have you.”

  He took her hand and started to speak. She didn’t hear a thing he said. She just looked at him and thought, he is perfect.

  Jason

  “Good sir!” Nathan said joyously, waddling over to Jason as he sat at his table, next to his father’s empty chair, drinking Scotch on the rocks. He wasn’t completely sloshed yet, although he intended to be by the end of the hour. “You won’t believe what just happened!”

  “What? If this is about video games, you need to reevaluate everything.”

  “It isn’t. I finally had a successful interaction with a female. Nay, a woman. A beautiful woman.”

  “Oh really?”

  “Yes! I joined a dating site for LARPers and found someone named Daenerys95. She lives in Greenwich with her parents and she’s looking for like-minded atheist males. She specifically said ‘non-WoW players need not apply.’”

  “You realize that just because you found a woman’s profile doesn’t mean you have a girlfriend, right?”

  Nathan pursed his lips in frustration. “You underestimate me so. I never said she was my girlfriend. But we have a date next Saturday.”

  “No way, man! What was your strategy—did you neg her, maybe say something about her weight? She sounds fat.”

  Nathan looked perplexed. “No. I just sent her a message asking what her favorite book was.”

  “And that worked?”

  “Yes, good sir. I mean, I question some of her taste, she still has a fairly rudimentary understanding of atheist literature and she glorifies the frankly overrated George R. R. Martin, but I can enlighten her further.”

  “You need to make sure she sees you as the top dog.” Jason took another sip of his drink. “When you go on the date, make some joke about how she looked hotter online and then say, ‘just kidding.’”

  Nathan scrunched up his face. “You may be my best friend, Jason, but you are, for lack of a better term, a douche.”

  “I take more of an issue with ‘best friend,’ but point taken. See you around, buddy.”

  Nathan returned his attention to his phone, where he presumably messaged his fair maiden as he walked off toward the buffet.

  “Your turn,” Christina said, walking over and plopping Mia on the floor next to Jason.

  “I’ll take her,” he said. Mia was clutching her mother’s iPhone firmly in her hands.

  “Can I seriously trust you with this task?” Christina asked. “Just play Frozen clips for her if she gets unruly.”

  “Sit down for a sec,” said Jason. He pulled his father’s chair out and patted the seat, hoping that didn’t make him look too pervy.

  “I’m supposed to be getting Susan a drink. We were in the middle of a conversation about the Rockettes.”

  “I only need a second,” said Jason.

  Christina rolled her eyes and sat down with a huff, crossing her freckled arms and legs. “What is it?”

  “I just wanted to say,” said Jason, “I’ll try harder. I’ll be a better dad. I’m sorry I’m not always there.”

  Christina opened her mouth as if to say something, but stammered. Finally she said, “You’re telling me you haven’t been a good dad.”

  “Yes,” said Jason. “I admit it. The whole marriage and fatherhood thing... I screwed it up. But I love Mia, and I want to be there for her. I want to be in her life. I think I can be there f
or her, be what she needs. I think I can learn to be a good dad. I don’t want to be the...the douche anymore.”

  Christina nodded as if she was waiting for Jason to shout, “Psych!”

  “Also, I’m sorry about you...about everything I did to you,” he added. “I don’t expect you to like me, or be friends with me but...for Mia’s sake, let’s at least be polite to each other.”

  Christina nodded. “I want you to read some articles first,” she said softly. “I have a very particular way that I’m raising her, and if you’re going to get involved, I want us to be on the same page.”

  Jason shrugged. “Sure, what are they?”

  “I’ll email them to you, but just to give you an idea, I am raising her to believe that all women are goddesses. I am raising her to believe that if she wants something, she should go for it. And I am raising her to believe that she should never, ever, compromise anything she wants for a man or back down for anybody.”

  “She’s three.”

  “Yeah, but this kind of thinking starts early, especially with girls. I’m never going to let her make the mistakes I did.”

  Jason paused for a moment. “Christina, those are all the mistakes you made. You never compromised. I’m not saying I was a good husband at all, but if you want her to have healthy relationships, she needs to learn give-and-take.”

  “And you know give-and-take?” Christina snapped.

  “No, that’s what I’m saying. I sucked at being a husband but at least I know it. I’m not going to tell her to do what I did either.”

  “So I sucked as a wife?”

  “Not nearly enough.” He smirked to himself. He couldn’t help it—she had put it in his lap. Well, not literally. Zing again, he thought.

  “I should have known better than to talk to you for even five seconds,” she said. “A-s-s-h-o-l-e.” She stood up, but Jason grabbed her hand.

  “Don’t touch me,” she snapped.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just feel like if we’re going to do this together, we need to agree on some things, and I didn’t agree with what you said. You know me, I like to joke around. I just don’t want her growing up to be entitled. I don’t want her growing up to be a princess. I want her growing up to be a healthy adult with self-respect, and respect for other people. Not that I’m a healthy adult, but the least I can do is try to help Mia become one.”

  Christina sat back down and cocked her head. “I suppose we can compromise on that,” she said. “Will you still read the articles?”

  “I’ll read them,” Jason said. “Can we compromise here? Can we coparent? Can we spend a few minutes around each other without fighting?”

  Christina looked at Mia, then back at Jason. She nodded. “I guess,” she said. “But I have some rules too. No smoking or drinking in front of her. No McDonald’s in the house, even if she’s not eating it and no women whatsoever, unless I’ve met them first. I don’t need her meeting all your bimbo girlfriends.”

  Jason laughed. “You obviously think I do way better with women than I actually do. I mean, I banged this girl from Celebz but she seemed kinda unhinged and it was only oral.”

  “Shh! Not in front of Mia!”

  “She doesn’t understand,” he said dismissively. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is—you don’t need to worry about me with women. And if, by some random turn of events, I actually want to get serious with someone who wants to get serious with me, I’ll have her meet you before she meets Mia. Fair?”

  “Fair,” said Christina.

  “And that goes for you too,” said Jason, smiling at her. “Any dude you’re getting serious with, have him meet me first.”

  “Why?”

  “So I can provide suicide counseling to him ahead of time,” Jason murmured.

  “What?”

  “I’m joking. I just think everything should go both ways. I don’t want some creep hanging around my daughter.”

  “Can we at least not joke around in front of Mia?”

  “Deal,” said Jason. “Now go have fun. I’ll watch her for the night.” He dislodged the iPhone from his daughter’s tiny hand and led her to the dance floor.

  Emily

  “Care to dance?” Steven asked Emily. Emily nodded. She hadn’t seen him interact with Marla since the ceremony. On the bright side, worrying about her own marriage all week made her a bit numb to any fears about her parents’ marriage.

  “Sure, Dad.” There hadn’t been an official father-daughter dance, mostly because Emily knew it was accompanied by a mother-son dance, and as much as David would be happy to dance with Susan, she didn’t want to run the risk of bringing up unwanted feelings about his mother. When Lauren noticed that Emily had declined to incorporate this tradition, she congratulated her for “not pandering to that patriarchal father-as-husband bullshit.” Emily just said thanks.

  Steven took Emily’s hand. In heels, she was almost taller than him. Neither of them knew how to dance, so they merely stepped in rhythm, going in a slow circle.

  “You’re going to be a great mother, Emily,” he said.

  “Wow, Dad, really? You mean that?”

  Steven shrugged, keeping his hand on Emily’s. “Well, being a parent isn’t particularly difficult. You don’t exactly need to be a genius.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  Emily looked to her right and saw Lauren waddling around on the dance floor alone. Matt was nowhere to be seen. Nathan approached her, bowed with his fedora in his hand, and asked, “May I have this dance, milady?”

  Lauren shrugged and sighed. “Oh, what the hell. But I’m taking the lead.” Emily smiled as she saw Lauren and Nathan waltz off together. Nathan’s hand grazed Lauren’s lower back and she quickly swatted it away.

  Earlier, Emily had seen Jason bending over to dance with Mia, but that was five drinks ago. Christina was entertaining Mia and Ariel with Peppa Pig clips on her iPad while Jason danced with Stephanie Morris, who was twerking upside down on the wall. Her maxi dress draped down over her head, and she was wearing a faded white thong that was so old that it looked dirty. What Jason was doing couldn’t really be called “dancing” as it would have been impossible to truly dance with her without getting a face full of ass. He was bopping in place, staring directly at her butt. At least he was showing a mild amount of restraint. At the end of the song, Stephanie got back on her feet, wrapped her arms around him and began making out with him furiously.

  “Hello, Steven.” Emily turned around to see Marla. “I hope you’re having a nice time.”

  Steven stopped in his tracks. “I am.”

  Marla lowered her voice. “You know, it may be a bit embarrassing for Emily to be dancing with you for this many songs. It’s her wedding, after all, and she probably wants to spend time with her peers. Perhaps you should let her find her husband.”

  “Yes, I’ll dance with you, Marla.” Steven let Emily’s hand go, and placed his hand around Marla’s waist. Emily watched as they held hands together through the crowd.

  * * *

  Emily ran into Lauren again at the buffet toward the end of the reception. She was sullenly gazing at the array of desserts but neglecting to put anything on her plate.

  “Matt knows,” Lauren said, looking at Emily with dead eyes.

  “I’m... I’m sorry. I didn’t tell him, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

  “He doesn’t know the literal truth, and there’s no reason for him to know something that will only hurt him. But we were sitting at our table, and he just turned to me and said, ‘You don’t love me, do you?’”

  “And?”

  “I told him I didn’t. It isn’t fair to waste his life like this. He stormed out. Of course he’s angry, but he’ll be better off without me. And frankly, I’ll be better off without him. He’s quirky and all, but can a white cishet man ever really rel
ate to my struggles? If anything, his hipsterism is an appropriation of my otherness. He’s queering himself because he lacks any markers of real oppression, and frankly, that’s emotionally abusive.”

  Emily sighed. “You’re allowed to just be sad about losing him, you know. You don’t have to come up with all these...reasons.”

  “I know.” Lauren popped a mint-green chocolate almond in her mouth. “I think I just need a hug.” They hugged and Emily found herself silently whispering to her baby, That’s Aunt Lauren you’re hugging.

  NIGHT 7

  Emily

  “AVON,” DAVID SAID, lying on the hotel bed and staring at the ceiling.

  “What, like the makeup company?” Emily was wearing a white bra and underwear with matching thigh-highs, an ensemble she had originally bought with the intention of seducing him on their wedding night. However, after four pieces of wedding cake, they were both bloated. Before they could even think about consummating their union, they needed to digest.

  “No, like Avon Barksdale from The Wire. It’s an awesome name.”

  “No. Our kid is going to have to deal with having me as a mother and having my mother as a grandmother. His life will be hard enough, let’s not also give him a name from an HBO show.” She paused. “Although, if it’s a girl, I wouldn’t mind Arya.”

  “So Avon is stupid, and Arya isn’t?”

  “Boys can’t get away with these weird names. Girls can. Like, you can name your daughter Meadow and her life would basically be normal, but if you name your son Branch, he gets his ass kicked.”

  “What about Bamboo?”

  “He gets his ass kicked more. As his ass is being kicked, he’s wishing we named him Branch.”

  “I meant if it’s a girl.”

  “You’re joking, right?”

  “No, I think it sounds nice.”

  She noticed that the tiny bottle of hotel shampoo on the nightstand was from a brand called Bamboo. “This isn’t The Usual Suspects,” she said.